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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Someone else's opinion please.

98 replies

tootsey · 17/10/2014 16:48

Just need someone else's thoughts. DH has always been paranoid and insecure, (many years). So today when I made a few phone calls about tracking down a part for my car, instead of him getting on with other things, while I was making the calls, he insisted on sitting down with me and listening to everything I was asking and saying. He has always had a problem with me even speaking to another man, even a stranger holding a door open for me is a problem for him. Apparently if someone does that, and I say thanks, then I must want to shag him!. So today, after him sitting with me and also staring over my shoulder as wrote an email trying to get prices, I had it out with him. Told him he was still as insecure and paranoid as from the time we met. He denied it and said it was all in my head. He never has a problem if its a woman im speaking or dealing with, just men. Am i way off the mark on the watching and listening, or was I right?

OP posts:
Hurr1cane · 17/10/2014 18:11

DP works in a public facing role, he has to not only talk to, but be nice to other women every single day. He also has a very close friend who is a woman who he sees regularly (she was in his life before me)

I don't care.

I have a lot of male friends, my closest friend is male. He doesn't care.

We don't care because we trust each other. If he cheated on me he would be gone, but until then I might as well trust him really, even if I didn't, it wouldn't change anything. If he was going to cheat then he'd cheat, paranoia or none. so I might as well not drive myself insane. Neither should he.

If he checked up on me like that, I would assume he was cheating and he would be gone.

FunkyBoldRibena · 17/10/2014 18:13

OP. You really need to make moves to get out of this. It is not right, not by a long shot.

Vitalstatistix · 17/10/2014 18:14

You know he is punishing you for the fact that HE is a cheat, don't you?

What do you want for the rest of your life? You must surely wish for a life where you weren't afraid of interacting with anyone who happens to have a penis! you have a son? Is this how you want to show him men treat their wives?

If it is your choice to not accept this life any more, there are ways that you can be helped.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/10/2014 18:18

Do you know what the only acceptable level of abuse is within a relationship - the answer is NONE.

Have you ever thought about what daily life would be like without this abusive, controlling to the nth degree, poisonous and dysfunctional H of yours in it?.

The counsellor he has seen is frankly rubbish (why has he been at all counselled?. What that has achieved is solely making him become even more devious in how to abuse you) and he has wound this person around their little finger. He is extremely manipulative.

He's had an affair to boot, presumably he sweet talked you into having him back. You're likely too scared to answer him back at all.

I would talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and make plans to escape your abuser.

What do you think your son is learning from the two of you about relationships here; would you want him to treat his lady love just like you are now?. Your H sees you as his possession to use and abuse as he sees fit.

We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents so what is your son being taught here?.

TheHoneyBadger · 17/10/2014 18:19

was this cashpoint incident in front of your child? and that aggressive language and behaviour witnessed by your son? if the answer is yes, then i think you know what you have to do really Sad

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 17/10/2014 18:27

And please be careful - someone that views you as a possession will be loathe to give you up.

Original poster
tootsey · 17/10/2014 18:33

I can be very assertive when i want to be, and have stood my ground more times than I can remember. The counselling has not worked because a lot of the time he lies his way through it. He has admitted this. I know I maybe come across as a very weak willed person but I can assure I think anyway, I have come a mighty long way to the point these last few months of being quite content and happy to go on on my own, without him. I have been to hell and back and made it quite clear to DH today, that he has put me off men for life. I could not see myself starting ever with anyone again. And I am glad that my DS is nothing like his father, and i will do my damdest to make sure he never treats anyone the way I have been treated. I should say DH and I no longer live together, I moved out quite some time ago, but remained together.

OP posts:
bendybrickpumpkinpatch · 17/10/2014 18:37

How does he feel about you living separately ? Does that make him paranoid as well ?

Vitalstatistix · 17/10/2014 18:40

Are you happy? If you are happy, and your son is happy and this is the life you are choosing for the pair of you then I genuinely wish you every happiness in it and I hope that you stop feeling nervous and that you daren't do things, as you mentioned up thread. Thanks

WellnowImFucked · 17/10/2014 18:47

He's a twat, and you are being abused.

Fine if he has issues with jealousy but they're his, and he shouldn't be reflecting them on you, making you to blame.

I typed the above before I read that he'd had an affair.

I've upgraded him to abusive wankbadger.

You need to cut ties completely.

Original poster
tootsey · 17/10/2014 18:48

I appreciate you all giving me your views. Deep down I know what I have to do, I just wish he would sit down and tell me openly and honestly why he feels he needs to treat me the way he does. But I think I am going to be waiting a long time.

OP posts:
BookABooSue · 17/10/2014 18:53

He has nothing to gain by explaining his behaviour to you. He isn't going to be open and honest with you. He can't even be honest with his counsellor.

You've done well to leave and live in a separate house. You just need to make the final leap. I know it's hard but I think you do have to consider that even though your DS seems very different from his dad, when he starts having relationships he only has your relationship as a template and as long as you stay it implies your DH's behaviour is acceptable. And it isn't acceptable at all. It's controlling and abusive.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 17/10/2014 18:56

You know he's abusing you right? This controlling behaviour is absolutely not acceptable.
He also believes you will cheat because he's a cheat. It's called projection.
You're not obliged to live like this.

SpringBreaker · 17/10/2014 18:57

"I should say DH and I no longer live together, I moved out quite some time ago, but remained together"

Just end it then. Simple. Otherwise you will never have any sort of normal life.

AnyFucker · 17/10/2014 18:57

You will never a useful answer from him

Love, this is meant kindly, but this has now reached the point where you yourself are modelling a bad example to your son

Get shut of this ridiculous dickhead.. Your son seeing you engage with such idiocy is damaging him

ZorbaTheHoarder · 17/10/2014 19:02

"I just wish he would sit down and tell me openly and honestly why he feels he needs to treat me the way he does."

The simple answer is because he is a deeply unpleasant person and is happy to treat you with contempt. You will never get any meaningful recognition from him with regard to his behaviour, and nothing you can do will change it, so you just have to break away from him completely.

Surely that should be easier now that you are not living together? I am sure that your son has picked up on the way his father treats you and you should not allow that to continue - for your son's sake and for yours.

Good luck.

neverletgojack · 17/10/2014 19:03

oh how familiar it is....

my ex was the same, I once borrowed a male colleagues phone as mine had died and he accused me of having an affair...
male colleague was openly gay and in a very happy relationship.

Turned out he had cheated on me and not told me, tried to hide it, he used to hide the condoms so I couldn't 'use them with anyone else'

fucktards, fucktards everywhere

CrotchMaven · 17/10/2014 19:08

Please divorce him.

But stay safe.

Your boundaries seem a bit out of whack, which is understandable after years of this. Can you look into the Freedom programme or counselling for yourself?

CrotchMaven · 17/10/2014 19:11

It doesn't matter why he does it. That's between him and his counsellor, when he is prepared to be honest.

Just accept that he does it. What would knowing the reason change?

TheHoneyBadger · 17/10/2014 19:24

he doesn't feel a 'need' to treat you like this. he just wants to treat you like this and can. there isn't a need or some deep reason and revelation that will make it all better. five years of counselling has proved that surely?

he chooses to treat you that way as he knows he can and even if he learnt to control it he'd still be a person who wants to treat you like that and feels entitled to but now has the extra anger of having to hold it in - which to me would be likely to end up in explosions of rage with a person like that.

this is who he is.

your son will learn from what he sees. not what you say.

ThePinkOcelot · 17/10/2014 19:41

Hang on!! He had an affair?! My mum always says "evil thinkers are evil doers". I would kick him to the kerb OP. He is projecting all of this on to you!!

Hatespiders · 17/10/2014 19:55

'He has put me off men for life...'

If you manage to cut this horrible person out of your life, you may meet someone totally different, loving and kind, who will make you happier than you ever dreamed possible.
Your h sounds frighteningly dominating and controlling.
Please find the strength to break free and bring peace and some joy into your world, for you and your ds.

FunkyBoldRibena · 17/10/2014 20:06

If you are already living separately, then just file for a divorce. Really really simple.

YellowTulips · 17/10/2014 20:18

This one is easy - leave the bastard

Seriously - how the hell have you put up with this?

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 17/10/2014 20:22

Five YEARS of councelling, really? Jeeze, are you sure he's not having an affair with the councellor? Seriously though, if he is still like this worse after five years seeing a professional, nothing is going to change, you need to consider your future. He sounds utterly vile and a bit dangerous.

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