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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Someone else's opinion please.

98 replies

tootsey · 17/10/2014 16:48

Just need someone else's thoughts. DH has always been paranoid and insecure, (many years). So today when I made a few phone calls about tracking down a part for my car, instead of him getting on with other things, while I was making the calls, he insisted on sitting down with me and listening to everything I was asking and saying. He has always had a problem with me even speaking to another man, even a stranger holding a door open for me is a problem for him. Apparently if someone does that, and I say thanks, then I must want to shag him!. So today, after him sitting with me and also staring over my shoulder as wrote an email trying to get prices, I had it out with him. Told him he was still as insecure and paranoid as from the time we met. He denied it and said it was all in my head. He never has a problem if its a woman im speaking or dealing with, just men. Am i way off the mark on the watching and listening, or was I right?

OP posts:
FreudianGymSlip · 17/10/2014 20:34

Someone with those levels of jealousy and paranoia aren't going to be treated successfully by counselling (and the proof of that is in your posts).

So I reckon he's got a crap counsellor who hasn't identified when they're out of their depth or he's lying to you about going (or maybe he's having an affair with the 'counsellor' - stranger things have been known). Either way this isn't going to change and if I were you OP I'd make an exit plan because once he knows you're leaving him properly he won't be happy.

Original poster
tootsey · 17/10/2014 20:46

"Having an affair with his counsellor" made me laugh. His counsellor is a man, so no, he's not having an affair. He certainly is not gay. And its due to end in the not ot distant future due to cuts in government spending. He does attend his meetings as I have spoken to his counsellor. If I did leave, I know he will not come near me, the only thing he will do is to take an overdose. He's done that a few times in his lifetime.

OP posts:
CrotchMaven · 17/10/2014 20:50

Well, that would be an answer to your problem...

Do you never think "How dare he?". Because that's what springs to mind when I read your posts.

FreudianGymSlip · 17/10/2014 21:13

So whatever therapeutic help he was getting will end soon. That's very worrying given you don't believe he's changed at all in the time you've known him.

What are you going to do?

FreudianGymSlip · 17/10/2014 21:16

Somewhat surprised that you've been able to speak to his counsellor too - rules of confidentiality dictate that's not allowed Hmm

TheHoneyBadger · 17/10/2014 21:28

i'm also amazed anyone on earth can get five years with a counsellor on the nhs. i've known people utterly suicidal only able to get 10 weeks.

FreudianGymSlip · 17/10/2014 21:38

Honey I work in the NHS and I'd be very interested to find out how this has been possible, especially as it's been so spectacularly unsuccessful.

Tutt · 17/10/2014 22:00

I'm with Freud I'd love to know how the hell he has got funding for 5 years of therapy... I struggle to get more than 6 weeks for my clients who really need it!!
Also are you sure the person you spoke to was his counsellor and not a friend/colleague and that he is not in fact lying to you yet again?

Original poster
tootsey · 18/10/2014 09:52

Im sure I spoke to his counsellor, no doubt of that, and several times. The counsellor knew for quite some time that he had been lying, so one day just threw it up too him. And he admitted it. So after the first few years of wasted time, they had to basically start from from scratch. There are several other people I know who have been in counselling for longer than this. I think it depends on what your mental state is, he was suicidal for a long time. And I have thought "how dare he", of course I have. I put it to him yesterday, that he is so insecure in himself, and so scared that I will go off with someone else, but the way he is treating me any woman would. The age difference between us I think makes him feel insecure. He is 51 and me 39. He is a twat, I know, and a big one at that.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 18/10/2014 09:55

Could it be a care coordinator he sees, or a CPN? Rather than a counsellor?

Original poster
tootsey · 18/10/2014 09:59

I should say that when pushed, he will admit he is jealous and paranoid, and is willing to take any help he can get. But I do not know that paranoia can be cured or jealousy for that matter. To me that is someones nature. I am not defending him, by no means at all, but it is so confusing for me to see someone that can do more than his fair share around a house, all repairs to car, plumbing etc, good with our son, and then just turn on me when it suits him. Probably because he can, and that his dad treated his mum the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
tootsey · 18/10/2014 09:59

No definitley a counsellor.

OP posts:
Shedwood · 18/10/2014 10:11

Have you considered bumping up his life insurance and then ending your relationship with him ;-)

But seriously, if he takes his own life you know that is NOTHING to do with you don't you? That kind of decision can only be made by the individual and someone who exerts control by suicide attempts are usually (in my experience) the people who never actually go through with it in the end.

Do what is best for you (leave him) and how he decides to deal with that is his decision and his alone.

FreudianGymSlip · 18/10/2014 10:14

So his counsellor is divulging the content of their sessions with you? Really? How interesting that your DP has trust issues, lies himself and he has a (male) counsellor who is happy to tell you what he does in his (supposed to be) confidential counselling. Doesn't your DP see the irony in that?

Sounds completely fucked up to me OP.

Charley50 · 18/10/2014 10:15

My dad was like this with my mum. Would accuse her of wanting an affair with his relatives if they came to visit, would quiz her for hours if she was ten minutes late home from work, alienated her from all friends and family. He was a paranoid insecure jealous man; undiagnosed mental health issues. Of course it affected us children too, he didn't like us having independent lives or just being separate beings from him.
Glad you no longer live with him you just need to take the next step and get rid.

magoria · 18/10/2014 10:26

You answered why he does this yourself.

People expect others to have the same morals as ourselves.

A liar expects others to lie. A their expect others to steal. A decent person is surprised when someone does something vile that they wouldn't do.

A dirty lying cheat expects everyone else to be dirty lying cheats. Your H thinks this is your moral set up and everyone elses to be so also because...

What a waste of 5 years counselling.

You won't change him.

I had a (male) friend who ended up looking at the ground every time he and his GF went out for fear of being accused of eyeing up another woman.

I told him bluntly the same thing I am going to tell you.

This is a fucked up relationship. No one should live or be treated Luke this you deserve better.

In your case especially considering the massive hypocrisy that allowed him to cheat on you.

Original poster
tootsey · 18/10/2014 10:30

His counsellor is not telling me what they discuss. He simply rang me a few times to ask me how I felt he was and what his mental state was at the time. It was my dh that told me what was going on at the counselling. I have said at times he can and will admit what he is doing wrong, but these are few and far between. He says he knows he is doing wrong but cannot stop himself doing it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/10/2014 13:37

You are going the let the threat of him killing himself stop you from ending this aren't you ? Sad

AnyFucker · 18/10/2014 13:40

Look up codependency. That's you, that is

This will limp on for years unless you put an end to it

If he took an OD, that would be his choice

You cannot live your life under that threat

If he really wanted to die, he would make a better job of it, tbh

TheHoneyBadger · 18/10/2014 13:42

and this is in england? on the nhs?

ThePinkOcelot · 18/10/2014 15:11

Well, if he says he is going to top himself, then let him!! Do not be blackmailed by this horrible man. You cannot live your life like this!

Original poster
tootsey · 18/10/2014 15:32

No I am not going to let the threat of him killing himself keep me there, by no means. Ive told him before, if he's gonna do then do it. The times he's done it was not over me. When the OW finished with him he tried it then. And theres been other occasions. And no not in England, but in the UK.

OP posts:
mouseblue · 18/10/2014 15:38

Sounds like a very controlling situation. Things need to be talked through in an impartial setting with support for both of you. Have you thought about relationship counselling?
Hope things can change for the better.

AnyFucker · 18/10/2014 15:58

Why are you still so entwined with him then ? I don't get it. There is absolutely nothing in it for you. Unless it's a codependent thing going on. In which case you need help because you are doing yourself and your son no favours at all.

IndianBlueGlass · 18/10/2014 16:01

The fact the you have been together for 15 years, including 5 years in counselling, suggests to me that he isn't gonna change any time soon. It sounds absolutely exhausting to live like this and I can't imagine how you have put up with it. Poor you - I hope you find the strength to make the changes you need to get what you want out of life.

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