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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you consider this rude?

76 replies

chloealex · 17/10/2014 14:59

Hi,

I would just like a general opinion, is what my husband said rude?

"We are doing a leaving do, you're not invited and you will need to pick me up"

I think it is rude but he can't see it.

Thanks in advance
Alex

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 17/10/2014 16:56

This all sounds like A LOT of work for you. I think you're very generous in your interpretations of his feelings and ways of dealing with things.

A previous poster said he has "a tendency to avoid conflict or discussions that feel loaded or charged" - but in all honesty that's not what your husband is doing is it? If I wanted to avoid conflict I wouldn't go round issuing orders, I would ask politely if you wouldn't mind giving me a lift. It sounds like he just doesn't want to be crossed. Which is very different.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/10/2014 16:57

He was certainly rude to you and treated you like staff,

Like father, like son I would say when it comes to his parents who are also both critical. That is what he learnt from them when he was growing up and such men do not change.

I would consider your own long term future within this because its not going to change.

nrv0us · 17/10/2014 16:58

Yeah, agreed -- if he's not willing to do the work required to keep the relationship strong and collaborative, then you're only going to end up more and more frustrated and unhappy.

IsItMeOr · 17/10/2014 16:59

nrv0us you sound very self-aware. That's an important starting point.

Original poster
chloealex · 17/10/2014 17:01

nrv0us - what you describe is exactly what he is like. whatever i say he see it as a criticism and he is to blame. Most of the time I say that neither of us a to blame. I found ways to avoid unintentional criticism in a relationship which i hope helps. as i have said many times it is the avoiding the conversation that causes the problems not the conversation itself. As you say one we have the talk we are closer.

OP posts:
WerkSupp · 17/10/2014 17:02

You felt you had made a mistake. There is a reason for this.

'Why He Do That?' By Lundy Bancroft is vital reading for you, as is 'Living with the Dominator'.

nrv0us · 17/10/2014 17:03

I try to be self-aware. I am a fairly bright chap but in terms of Emotional Intelligence I am sort of starting from a big disadvantage, so it requires more work to keep up. It's a very English way of being, I sometimes think -- my wife is not from the UK, and I recently told her how impressed I am that she always seems to have a very clear idea of what she thinks and feels about things. For me, by contrast, it's more of a thick fog, hard to sometimes make out.

WerkSupp · 17/10/2014 17:04

Sorry, that's 'Why Does He Do That?'

hoobypickypicky · 17/10/2014 17:04

"We are doing a leaving do" = Fine.

"you're not invited" = Fine. Not very tactful, but fine.

"and you will need to pick me up" = Wanker.

No sunshine, you will need to learn manners. Oh, and learn how to cal for a taxi.

He said this while eating breakfast this morning? Please tell me that you didn't make it for him.

nrv0us · 17/10/2014 17:10

Yeah, it did sound kind of like a huge 'fuck you' -- what on earth did he expect you to say?? "Oh well, maybe next time. What time shall I be there, darling?"

Original poster
chloealex · 17/10/2014 17:11

nrv0us - sounds like you very self aware. I have some work with EQ and NLP. I have asked him to read a book about this stuff as I feel it would improve his working life. He did agree but I got the impression he just said to shut me up. He does't have a great things to say about psychology

OP posts:
Original poster
chloealex · 17/10/2014 17:15

i think he kind of expected that. he know i am a sociable person and enjoy meeting people but i don't do it as i don't know anyone round here. i wasn't expecting to be invited but to be so disregarded coupled with the fact I would be able to drink at home really hurt. The notion of me coming was ridiculous. he said " i wouldn't have problem, but it not the done thing and everything would think it was bizarre"

OP posts:
Original poster
chloealex · 17/10/2014 17:16

it he was in my town i would go out of my way to make sure he didn't feel excluded or lonely

OP posts:
Original poster
chloealex · 17/10/2014 17:18

i make all the meals - he is not very good in the kitchen department and i don't think it is inclined to learn

OP posts:
WerkSupp · 17/10/2014 17:22

He is ticking a lot of rather alarming boxes here. I have a daughter, and I have to say, I hope she doesn't end up with a person like this, because he's, at the very least, not very nice to you, and the fact he's been getting worse is again, classic.

hoobypickypicky · 17/10/2014 17:29

"i make all the meals - he is not very good in the kitchen department and i don't think it is inclined to learn"

Isn't that his problem? Are you his mother?

Why are you parenting a man who can't even extend you the courtesy of speaking to you as the wife you are rather than as a servant?

Men like this get worse, not better. I really, really urge caution. If you were my daughter I'd beg you to leave him now.

Original poster
chloealex · 17/10/2014 17:34

his mother mothered him right up to the time i moved him and i blindly took over. I don't mind the cooking as i love cooking but when he kind of says "make breakfast" i kind of get annoyed inside but he says if jokingly so let it slide. I do annoyed when he asks for particular shirts to be washed by a certain day. I said in the past do it yourself but it is followed by "how?" "what setting?" etc. i give up and do it myself

OP posts:
WerkSupp · 17/10/2014 17:37

WTAF. He is an adult. There is a reason you were his longest relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/10/2014 17:41

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He's got you right where he wants you now; under his total thumb. He has all the power and control in this relationship and this is certainly not an equal relationship by any stretch of the imagination.

He saying how and what setting is his way of getting you to do what he has no intention of doing in the first place. He feels that is your role; cook, cleaner and bottlewasher along with taxi service as and when needed. You are there in his head to serve him.

I am certain too that he was charm personified, oozed niceness and could not do enough for you prior to marriage. Now you are seeing the real him, the gloves are off now.

Honestly I would seriously consider your future within this because its not very bright at all.

WerkSupp · 17/10/2014 17:42

I don't even make breakfast for my 12-year-old son most days, he gets his own toast, cereal, makes sachets of porridge in the microwave, knows how to make himself a cup of tea, fry an egg.

My daughter is learning all this, too.

Both are being brought up to learn the correct response to any mate who says anything like, 'Make breakfast,' is 'Fuck off,' followed by 'Goodbye'.

You sound like you need the Freedom Programme and instead of focusing on changing this man, who doesn't to change, to focus on changing yourself, into someone with too much self-esteem to find this level of disrespect acceptable.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 17/10/2014 17:58

Jesus wept. I honestly don't know what to say when a woman will essentially allow herself to be treated like paid staff, but without even the pay or common courtesy staff are entitled to. He shouldn't be doing it, but he's going to until you stop letting him do it or leave.

PunkHedgehog · 17/10/2014 18:04

"he is not very good in the kitchen department and i don't think it is inclined to learn"

An empty stomach is a great incentive. But it sounds as if you have a lot of small problems that actually add up to one very big one, and it may be better to tackle the one than the many.

While you are thinking about it though, let him make his own breakfast.

twizzleship · 17/10/2014 18:13

I said in the past do it yourself but it is followed by "how?" "what setting?" etc. i give up and do it myself

well you're just enabling him then aren't you op? thereby maintaining the status quo with regards his stinking attitude towards you. if you want his behaviour towards you to improve you will just have to stop mothering him and let HIM get frustrated and angry enough to learn to do it himself. Pre-empt him, write out very simple instructions for how to use the washing machine and stick them on with a post-it (for example), stand next to him and show him how to iron his own shirts (the iron in HIS hands!), same with cooking etc etc. Yes, he's going to deliberately test your patience but all you do in that case is leave written instructions and then refuse to engage. If you stick to your guns he will soon learn.

if you can't be bothered to do any of that but keep mothering him because 'it's easier' then i'm sorry to say but you'll be stuck with an awful mummy's boy for the duration of your relationship and then there's no point complaining about it because you're bringing it on yourself.

i don't know how old you are op, i'm in my mid 30's and i would have nipped this in the bud BEFORE i started living with him let alone married him!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/10/2014 18:19

Did none of these attitudes become apparent while you were dating or during the engagement?

clam · 17/10/2014 18:23

"when he kind of says "make breakfast" i kind of get annoyed inside but he says if jokingly so let it slide. I do annoyed when he asks for particular shirts to be washed by a certain day. I said in the past do it yourself but it is followed by "how?" "what setting?" etc. i give up and do it myself"

And there's your problem right there. You need to set your boundaries.