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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you consider this rude?

76 replies

chloealex · 17/10/2014 14:59

Hi,

I would just like a general opinion, is what my husband said rude?

"We are doing a leaving do, you're not invited and you will need to pick me up"

I think it is rude but he can't see it.

Thanks in advance
Alex

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 17/10/2014 15:47

Are you happy with him, OP? Do you have children together? Do you share a mortgage/bank accounts?

Original poster

chloealex · 17/10/2014 15:50

How much does he consider your feelings/needs generally?

i do try but doesn't really listen and kind of misses the point. i get fixes which generally don't work and when I say that - he gets upset saying 'i can do no right' he would prefer we never spoke about anything and just have fun

OP posts:

nrv0us · 17/10/2014 15:52

Lordy, he sounds like a bit of a nob, based on your description. How long have you been together? Does he have any good points?

Original poster

chloealex · 17/10/2014 15:52

No children but all the other stuff. when things are good, things are good. but once a problem comes along he cannot handle it and kind off runs away mentally

OP posts:

Original poster

chloealex · 17/10/2014 15:54

i think that is true - he can be a bit of a nob and is influenced by other people. I have said before in joking way "you have quite a mean streak" and he laughs and says yes. He does have goods point but the negative side has been seen more

OP posts:

Original poster

chloealex · 17/10/2014 15:55

been together about 3 years

OP posts:

nrv0us · 17/10/2014 16:00

Yikes. Sounds tough. What is your Real Life support network like? What do your friends or family think of him?

Original poster

chloealex · 17/10/2014 16:05

No one has said anything negative about him. My family/friends likes him. I don't have any friends round where I live. my friends live miles away and all have kids.

OP posts:

nrv0us · 17/10/2014 16:10

Have you ever considered leaving him? Not that I'm suggesting or recommending that, but is that something you've thought about? When you do think about it, what kind of images come up?

Meerka · 17/10/2014 16:11

I think you need to take a step back and watch how he is behaving rather carefully. You might love him now, but would you love a stranger who was acting like this towards you? The person you marry is supposed to be nicer to you, not nastier than towards a stranger. If he isn't, there's potentially a problem.

It might very well get worse. I think you have to stand up for yourself now or it almost certainly will get worse. Challenge him when he's so rude (if my husband spoke to me like that I'd be answering the comment "I'll need picking up" with "tough shit"). Challenge him when he gaslights you. Be sure of yourself. If he won't treat what you say with respect, the potential problem is very real.

Im afraid you might also want to ensure you have a few hundred in an account that is in your name only. Just so that if the worst happens, you won't be left resourceless.

Hopefully none of this will happen, hopefully he will listen to you. He should. You're his life-partner.

IsItMeOr · 17/10/2014 16:13

It's beginning to sound like you may simply not be well-suited to each other.

Or that he simply is not ready for the kind of give and take that making a long-term relationship thrive takes.

The big red flag to me is that he does not want to talk about problems and runs away rather than sorting them out. This does not bode well for your future together.

Original poster

chloealex · 17/10/2014 16:24

he has a lot of 'ways' that i try and be patient about. i am the longest relationship he has had. on some level we are great - like the same things and generally have the same future outlook. But yes we might be well suited because if there is something i want to do or talk about, it is meant with a wall while I am more flexible to ideas. I did think think i had made a mistake after getting married but put it down to my fear of change. I am not thinking about leaving at the moment I hope we can reach some resolution. But getting him to admit he is less than perfect and he can't communication is dam neat impossible at the moment

OP posts:

Original poster

chloealex · 17/10/2014 16:29

he can't conflict and negative emotions and his solution is to mentally runaway. i know this is concerning, i am hoping with time this would change but maybe it won't

OP posts:

Original poster

chloealex · 17/10/2014 16:30

can't handle - missed the word out

OP posts:

IsItMeOr · 17/10/2014 16:34

Was there something specific that made you think you had made a mistake getting married?

Has it changed?

nrv0us · 17/10/2014 16:35

I am a guy and I have a tendency to avoid conflict or discussions that feel loaded or charged this is mainly due to my upbringing (never really got the tools necessary to have these conversations, they tend to instil a kind of tight-chested panic in me), and it has definitely had a negative impact on my marriage at times. I am working through it, however, and things are much better than they were. I do keep coming back to the rudeness, though I would certainly never dream of saying a sentence like the one you post in your 1st post, ESPECIALLY to my wife.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 17/10/2014 16:41

"he can't handle conflict and negative emotions and his solution is to mentally run away"

Sorry Chloealex but could I reasonably translate this as "He can't bear to be contradicted or have to take anyone else's feelings or preferences into account"?

He sounds like an awful brat to me, it's the kind of thing that wouldn't be cute if a spoilt 9 year old said it.

Are you going to pick him up?

Original poster

chloealex · 17/10/2014 16:42

nrv0us....this is his problem, he dad is the same and his mother is very critical. He never did get the tools either. he too gets the tight-chested feeling i think i can see it in him. As a result i really try and help him through difficult conversations. But it doesn't work and when I suggest this as a potential problem, he says there is no problem and he is brilliant will emotions. Any effects on our relationship is my problem

OP posts:

Original poster

chloealex · 17/10/2014 16:44

just after we got married there was a big issue and he handle it in such away that was insensitive, he didn't consider my point of view and disregarded my feelings. at that point i wondered if i had made a mistake. I put it down to stress at work and readjusting to a new life.

OP posts:

nrv0us · 17/10/2014 16:46

Yeah, definitely sounds like he's running away. Did his parents get divorced when he was a kid?

Original poster

chloealex · 17/10/2014 16:47

pick him up? i don't know at the moment. It not this weekend and i have not said yes or no.

OP posts:

Original poster

chloealex · 17/10/2014 16:50

his parent have been married for nearly 40 years. he is negative about women i think this come from how is mum is. i think that he thinks that women are hard work, complicated and dramatic.

OP posts:

Original poster

chloealex · 17/10/2014 16:52

while men a simple and easy going

OP posts:

nrv0us · 17/10/2014 16:55

Yeah, a lot of this stuff is very deep rooted. In my case I think it comes from a fear that any kind of 'state of the relationship' conversation is going to be full of criticism of me and will bring us further apart and maybe even end in divorce. While my conscious brain knows this is ridiculous the conversations usually end up with us both feeling much better, and closer together it is very hard to rewire myself, so it really requires conscious effort, feels like steering a ship INTO a storm, very counter-intuitive.

IsItMeOr · 17/10/2014 16:56

Yes, I think the impact can be even harder to deal with if the parents in question are still together.

If the child sees that the relationship ended, that at least gives them a clue something needed to change to make it work.

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