Absolutely Devestated

[officeworker]

Hi guys,

So after this time last week my partner telling me he's trying his hardest to make it work and loves me and wants us to stay together, the next day he breaks up with me and I've pretty much been a wreck ever since.

By the Saturday he'd decided he's fed up of trying with me and doesn't love me like he used to, and that our date we had planned for the Saturday night to try and reconnect he doesn't want to go on. Now, we've had a lot of break ups and make ups after a week in our short stormy relationship...all of the bad things have happened since we moved in but this time it doesn't feel the best at all.
I should mention at this point a couple of weeks ago his father had a mini stroke and now they've discovered a brain tumour which the family find out the severity of next Tuesday. The whole time his father was taken to hospital I took time off work, was at the hospital all weekend and doing the general stuff a girlfriend should do, so I'm not quite sure if his fathers illness is behind this like my friends seem to think.

Anyway, since Sunday he has refused to move out just yet, stating he wants to but in a couple of weeks when he decides he wants to. I pleaded with him to just go to his parents (where he's moving back to) for a few days, they live five minutes away and mine are 20 miles and again he refused. He won't not sleep in our bed, it's him that doesn't want to be together and him that should move to the sofa yet he won't. There's no physical contact other than this morning (which I'll explain next), and he spends his time flipping between completely ignoring me to talking very sweetly, realising what he's doing and then stopping quickly.

Then comes my problem, I've sick since this time last Friday. I have a raging hunger yet whenever I take a bite of food I'm straight to the toilet trying to throw it up. Since last Friday (so unfortunately I can't even say it started when the break up did), I've hate probably around six bites of food, all I can drink is water and again it comes straight back up. On the toilet first thing every morning throwing up and the other one. No concentration, I can sleep but then wake up and it starts all over again. Yesterday evening, he'd made a pizza for his dinner, I asked for a tiny part and he refused! This morning I've woke up and it's even worse even he can see that, I tried to cuddle into him in the corridor and he gave a half hearted cuddle back, then got me a dish to be sick in and a glass of water without me even prompting which is a first! However I've been wretching for the best part of an hour now inbetween typing so called NHS 111. They're asking the urgent care centre to call me, I can't tell him as he'll accuse me of attention seeking or something so I literally am on my own, having to stay off work, sick in bed and without him.

With this and him being like this with me I'm absolutely devestated, it's my little sisters wedding in a few weeks and I can't even think about not going with him. Sorry for the long post and to be honest I'm not really asking anything, more just trying to gather my thoughts and write it down.

OP have sips of water every 20 minutes. Later try some flat coca cola. If you feel hungry, try dry toast or crackers.

You say it's been stormy these past 15 months so ask yourself, should it be this much hard work early on? How come he has all the power, he wants this/he doesn't want that; stick up for yourself. Tell him you're worried what you have could be contagious so he really doesn't want to risk transmitting anything to his father whose immune system will be compromised therefore you're packing him a bag so he can go elsewhere.

From what you have mentioned I'm not sure whether the major upset of his father's recent diagnosis has anything to do with the on-off nature of this relationship.

There's often other influencing factors - sick family members, job hassles, money troubles - that affect our equilibrium. So if you disagree on petty domestic issues eg something as fundamental as switching on or off lights at bedtime and consideration for one of you who's feeling ropey, how will you handle the extraneous stuff?

Okay if you want some rest get off MN and sleep.

I'm just lying in bed watching stuff on the laptop, trying to rest. I can't sleep well during the day and my head is banging. I am having regular sips of water thank you, we were also supposed to be going out for my Grandma's retirement meal this evening but of course he won't go, and I need to get myself feeling better for that.

I think my problem is I'm clinging onto what things were like before the constant break up/make up. When we first were together, and for the first year or so there wasn't one argument between us and so I feel something has changed that for the worse, I want it back and he just wants to give up without really trying and that's what upsets me. I just want some normalcy without the threat of him moving out every single time there's an argument. People are going to call me weak, sad, pathetic or whatever, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm in love with him and can't just switch that off.

That kind of love is destructive and one-sided.... you may not be able to switch it off but you have to give it a bloody good try or you'll waste a huge amount of your time and lose all your self-respect in the process.

Manipulative bullies that use the granting and withdrawal of affection to keep control are not worth the effort. What you had for the first year was not the real him. This is the reality.

Please contact Womens Aid.
And please attend their Freedom Programme.
This man is an abusive bully and you need to realise this and fast!
They can help you with that.

As others have said. Why are you pandering to him?
Pack his bags now.
Take to his parents.
Send him a text telling him where his belongings are and that he's not to come back there.

You really need to take control of this now.
You've let him bully you for way too long.

He treats you like shit and you THINK you love him. It's not love!

When you attend your DSis's wedding in a few weeks' time you may still be a couple and he may have deigned to be your 'plus one'. As you listen to the happy couple exchange vows you might reflect on what depth and shallows there are in your relationship.

Do you have enough money for a deposit on another flat? I would be gone like a shot if I were you.

I agree with cogito and vivica.

This saying might help you

If you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always got.

My daughter who is a wise old spirit said it to me and boy did I sit up and take notice.

I got cracking on sorting my life out.....just as you need to do.

Im going to let you into a little secret...No- one is coming on a white charger to rescue you sweetheart. You're going to have to do it yourself....but it won't half make you stronger and as sure as eggs are eggs you won't put up with this crap next time!

Sorry everyone I've been just sat watching tv and trying not to throw up or anything.

Everyone is right that I do need to stand up for myself and move on but I feel so helpless at the moment, I want to be strong and I want to feel like he does, like he doesn't have a care in the world but I can't.

The only reason I can see why he's still in this house is that it's his bed here, he removed it from his parents. However in their spare room they have a bed as he's stayed there once before for a night, in my head I keep thinking he hasn't gone to his parents because really he doesn't want to leave or move out, and he hasn't changed any social media pictures or stopped sleeping in the same bed. But really I just feel pathetic clinging onto things.

That Sunday night after it happened he lay in bed and told me he was worried about his dad and about us and it was horrible what was happening and we talked for hours about random things. The next day I sent a text saying try not to worry and got one back saying we are broken up you know. It's awful, just awful.

He broke up with you, stuck around, bent your ear with some 'poor me' sob-story.... and then you sent him a text saying 'don't worry'?

Do you see how fucked up that is?

You have to got to get this idiot out of your bed, out of your home and out of your life

Silly bullying nasty little idiot.

OP, he will probably 'change his mind' about this you know, and sudenly decide that he can try his best to make it work... if only YOU will be nicer/quieter/make sure you put up with more shit...

I hope you make the decision for YOURSELF, here and now, especially after reading this thread, that 15 months of this person is giving you more than enough experience of what they are like, and it's not a person you want to live with, make plans with, or even take to your sister's wedding or Grandma's party.

You'll hopefully look back in a years' time and think 'God, he was a twat... so glad I'm not listening to his diva strops any more!' That is, unless you are daft enough to stay, in which case I am guessing life won't be much fun.

Would you be able to at least go somewhere for the weekend? To your parents after your Grans party? Tell them what's going on, and that you are also ill and need a break. He won't go because he's thoroughly enjoying himself, by the sound of it - drama drama and everything being about what HE is thinking and wanting. Fuck him. You can't really do anything to get him out if he's on the tenancy, not immediately - so take yourself away and remove the oxygen of drama for him for a couple of days, and get better.

Then get tough. Refuse to engage. Tell him to fuck off if he talks down to you - he's not your partner, so fuck off, loser, and be polite or don't speak to me at all. Tell him he gets out and you dissolve the tenancy in some way or YOU will have to move out yourself.

He is playing mind games with you.

You seriously need to get him out of your property for your own health and wellbeing.

He doesn't love you or even care about you.

Sorry to be blunt.

I can quite easily stay at my parents tonight and I'm meant to be going on a night out tomorrow night with an old friend, neither of which I particularly want to do. I realise space away from him is what I need but at the same time I don't want to go, I'm scared it'll be the last time I ever see him again.

He says half term is a better time to move out because it 'doesn't just take a weekend' but he can quite easily leave if he really disliked me that much and go for a few days and keep coming back for things. I've told him before he's torturing me by still being in OUR house, sleeping in OUR bed, but he won't change this for some reason. He does go out and does his own thing, I've seen him for a few hours after work each night. Except for one night this week, we'd made plans to watch TV shows we'd missed this week and he didn't come in until later which again upset me.

All of this is blamed on me and the whole 'you had me but messed it up' like he always says. I'm fully aware that by next week it's 50/50 as to if he'll have changed his mind again or not, I'm determined not to make the same mistakes. On a positive note I'm feeling a little better!

Bottom line is, you have to respect yourself. The longer you let him treat you like dirt the less he'll value what you have together. Have self-respect. Don’t scurry around after him - act like he is your equal – not a little prince playing at grown up partnership.

Glad you feel better.

He obviously gets some perverse satisfaction by hurting you, which probably explains why he's sticking around. The excuses and the permission he has given himself to treat you like shit aren't worth the investigation, there aren't any hidden meanings and he isn't confused, so stop wasting your time by looking. He's using your feelings for him as a stick to beat you with and you're letting him. You need to start detaching from this arsewipe.

Being around this fuckwit while you are so poorly is not helping, take yourself off to your parents for a few days to get stronger. Once recovered and you've had some space from this pathetic man and his games, you'll physically be in a better position to deal with him.

One step at a time, right now your focus is your health, everything else is just gonna have to wait.

He's torturing you because he enjoys it.

It makes him feel big. Like he holds your happiness in his hands.

Stop telling him you're hurting - he's loving it.

Why? Because he's a pricksome little inadequate. Really, this should be showing you absolutely what a waste of skin this guy is.

'You had me but messed it up'?? OH FUUUUCKKKK OFFFFF PLEEEEEASE! Irksome little twonk. Honestly, he might as well have a sign on his head saying 'I AM INSECURE'.

Oh and next time he comes out with 'You had me but you messed it up' reply 'Yes, thank God! I'm beginning to thank my lucky stars on that one!'

I don't know what he gets from doing it, even today I've been thinking he may send me a text to ask how I am. I suppose him cutting himself emotionally is his way of dealing with it and not wanting to be with me anymore.

I feel so bloody weak, if I go to my parents tonight I will just spend the night panicking about where he is, who he's with, is it the friend that can't stand me and so on. I just want to be here with him all the time, even though I know that's not feasible and completely wrong because me being there won't make him change his mind.

"I don't know what he gets from doing it"

With respect... he gets an anxious, eager to please, easy to control partner who is desperate for him to stay and frightened to put a foot out of line in case he disappears again. Do you want to be that person?

Please go to your parents' house. Be with people that actually love you.

Your relationship is over, your permission or consultation wasn't required to end it. Staying won't change his mind and your presence only serves as a convenient target for his abuse. I know you're scared but thats no reason to continue giving him the opportunity to hurt you.

Let it go and be with people who give a shit.

He sounds like a bully who enjoys watching you hurt, you sound like you have increadiy low self esteem.

Oh please get rid, the guy sounds a complete wanker, he does not love you, sorry but he's just going to do as he pleases unless you actually stand up and say enough is enough.

Officeworker am glad your feeling a little better, did the NHS ring back?

This man has made it very clear that he is now your ex so as hard as it is you need to stop expecting texts, he isn't asking how you feel because he no longer cares and I'm really sorry because I know how horrible that is.

He probably isn't moving out because he wants you to go. If you have a joint lease and can give notice to quit that's what you both need to do. If either of you want and can afford to rent the flat then you are both free to do so.

Stop letting him take advantage of you.

This is me and the same thing is happening.
I have been married for 32 years and while my back was healing and i was having lumps removed from under my arm, mu husband started a FACEBOOK AFFAIR with a woman up the road. It lasted 2 weeks, they also met outside my gate while i was in the house in pain. And by the way this woman is a Christian

He decided he would end it and come to realise he was loosing his family. Although of course there were a few teething problems i thought we were getting to a happy place (this was only 5 weeks ago)

Now he has said he doesn't love me anymore and loved the B*H up the road after 2 weeks. She is known for doing this with other married men.

We have a son with Asperger’s Syndrome who blames me for being tired and exhausted.

Now this morning he says we will keep trying for a while longer and wants me to go to a concert tonight.

this morning i actually phoned the samaritans as i can't cope

I have this concert tonight and all hes worried about is what people will think of him because of what hes done and of course i have to take the blame for that.
He didn't want his Mum to even know as he was always slagging other men who did this.