Is it me?

[WeevilKnievel]

Hi,

Just posting for a bit of perspective really. I'm in an 18yr relationship which has always been difficult and I feel like we're going round in circles.
My husband was due to be going out tonight ( a regular fortnightly thing) and was out last night too.
He works from home and generally helps with bath/ bedtime of the kids. But tonight he had a work call that went on til 7.25 so I did the bath etc. he just came upstairs in time for stories so I let him take over.
A couple of minutes later he'd put my son in his cot and said goodnight having read one small board book - usually does a few books. At which point I complained about this, not shouting or swearing ( obviously) but I was annoyed. He was very indignant telling me his work had gone over and he was supposed to be going out at 7.35. I headed down the stairs saying why is it always me that picks up the slack just because he's going out and that he wasn't here last night to help at bedtime either.
He said that's my choice that i don't go out much and as I went down the stairs he flew down the stairs after me - kind of chasing me.
I don't think this is on really, I felt quite scared.
He then lay on the bed for the next 20 mins until I came back up ( my son was calling out) I was in the bathroom with him when H came in and said " thanks for ruining my night" and inferring that I'd thrown a spanner in the works to scupper his night out!
I told him that his threatening behaviour wasn't on and he said no it's not ideal but why do you always do it ( complain basically)
I asked him does he not expect me to say something if I'm unhappy and he said " no not really"
He then went out after telling me that he wouldn't be home til tomorrow night or Saturday morning.
I'm sorry this is really boring but after 18yrs of this kind of thing I really need some help. Believe it or not I still feel a bit shaky and sick.

Its not boring. I can imagine you are shaken up by this.

Basically, he's just told you he doesn't care about you.

Is he often away overnight?

I can't tell whether you are a terrible nag (like I am) and he (somewhat unforgiveably since he frightened you) lost it rather. Or... he is out all the time paying no heed to your needs or wants.

why don't you go out? From what you said sounds as though he'd be a willing babysitter..?

No, not often.
After these 'episodes' it's always my fault, I started it. I never feel that we resolve things because basically I shouldnt complain, and anything following that was brought on by me.
Things are fine at home until I complain to him about something then he tells me what a nightmare I am and gets angry.

Ahardyfool. Yes he would babysit you're right. Unfortunately the opportunity doesn't come up very often.
I am a bit of a nag I think and I often get annoyed over things. But he generally doesn't want to listen to the negative stuff and will shout me down a bit so I probably nag even more.

Do you know where he'll be staying tonight and possibly tomorrow night? Your DS is obviously still young, how old is/are other DC(s)? I'm asking because I wonder if your DH has found things more difficult since DCs came along.

I think you would benefit from finding someone suitable to talk to about your whole relationship.
Of course you can do that on here, but might be helpful to do it in real life.

I think complaining about him only doing one book when he worked til late and had plans to go out was unfair.

BUT

This sounds like tip of the iceberg. I don't like the sound of him sulking, or lying around while your son cries.

I nag because I don't like to be too accusatory. I think my DP would probably prefer me to A) not sweat the small stuff so much and B)If I have an issue just mention it instead of having a mian about it somewhat passive aggresively.

Don't know about you, but I do know as a person guilty of it, that nagging wear people down.

It may well be that he has a hard time taking criticism, facing up to the fact that you have occasion to question his actions, and maybe that's why perhaps it has turned into a never ending daily moan in his eyes??? Because you never feel you get to express things or feel validated and he just feels hen pecked you have a bit of a viscious circle.

If any of my assumptions were correct and I were in your shoes I'd give myself a month to stop thinking about or complaining about anything and in that time I'd focus on making myself as happy as possible (are you happy? why can't you get out?) and if that didn't cure the need to complain and get fed up with DP I'd be looking at whether the realtionship was right.

Something tells me your own unhapiness is magnifying his wrong doings..

There's a really good book I read called something like "Too good to leave, too bad to stay", which mentions something it calls "Off the table-itis", where a partner refuses to talk about something that is important to or bothering the other person.

Anyway, when you write:

"he generally doesn't want to listen to the negative stuff and will shout me down a bit"

That sounds like off-the-table-itis. It's not a good sign. You need to be able to talk about stuff. Maybe it would be easier to talk about these things if you set a time to do so in advance, so it wasn't always happening in the heat of the moment?

If he's then still being obstructive about talking it through then, well, it wouldn't be you.

cheapskatemum dc are 2,6 and 21 (previous relationship) I don't know where he'd stay, maybe with the friend that he's out with tonight. He adores the kids and loves being a dad.
Cabrinha I think it would be good to speak to someone too, I don't really have any close friends I could do that with, and we did try a counsellor years ago but didn't get anywhere.
Ahardyfool yes you're right, I am unhappy, I've threatened ending the relationship numerous times, but I don't seem to have the strength to leave.
I've told him how I feel but it seems to fall on deaf ears. He thinks I have a 'hormone imbalance'

knittingdad thanks for that, I'll look that book up.
Yes I have tried approaching him not in the heat of the moment, and he's very good about discussing things. It's just when it comes to criticising him in some way, he gets very defensive and manages to turn it around on me every time.
The pattern is usually that we'll have a falling out then just not talk for a day or two until I gradually forget what the problem was and then can't be bothered to keep up the no talking as it takes too much energy.

Sounds very much then as though your first priority is getting yourself happy. Not happy in terms relative to how much he doesn't annoy you anymore but happy in your own right.

To do that you're going to have to identify the barriers such as few friends, whatever and start a tick list of small steps towards being happy.

Don't judge your (long) relationship in the shadow of personal unhappiness. Fix up you first and then see where that leaves you.

Maybe he will still be an ignorant man oblivious to your needs and maybe you'll see that even more clearly. Maybe, when you feel better in yourself you will feel more glad of his presence in your life, despite his failings (as we all have many!) and the crappy bits about him won't be such a big deal.

And maybe, when you light up the room because of your inner happiness he will be more inclined to want to engage with you.

Delete all of the above if he is simply a selfish arse who is making you unhappy.

I think people are minimising his behaviour here. He worked late so missed out on time with the kids (just as well you were there, hey) and this isn't the first time he has done this. He frightened you. Refused to acknowledge this and blamed his behaviour on you. Then to top it all he has decided to opt out of family life and bugger off for 48 hrs without giving you any choice. Plus he doesn't ever want you to complain. The message being what you want or need doesn't matter.

And someone asks you whether you are a nag . Nag, btw, is a misogynistic euphemism for wanting the other person to pull their weight.

What is he adding to your life? How much longer do you want him treating you like childcare and a domestic slave and not giving a shit about you?

I am a nag and I will also not tolerate misogyny.

scallops you may well be right but since this is someone else's relationship it isn't really anyone's place to denegrate the person this psoter shares her life with is it. Not for the hints at agressive/abusive/selfish behaviour here

OK

Ahardyfool not quite sure what would make me happy at this point. I do need more friends. Fairly new to the area, so I'm working on this.

I just don't know how to break the cycle of our destructive relationship. I feel like we shouldn't be here 18yrs in.

Really? You think chasing her down the stairs isn't aggressive? You think sulking for days (regularly) isn't abusive? You think blaming his behaviour on her isn't abusive?

Weevil has said this is a scenario that happens repeatedly.

I am not denigrating him btw. His behaviour is doing that all by itself.

Nagging is when you need to talk to someone who doesn't want to talk about it. Nagging is when you have to ask someone to do something that they don't want to do.

Sound like you both need some time together, find a baby sitter and go out for a nice evening, do you find when its just the two of you, you jog along okay? Small children, and old too, put a huge strain in relationships. Have you got any parents who can do a bit of child care so the two of you can have some proper time together and maybe look at things which are causing resentment between you? You need to communicate with each other, but know point in doing this when you are both tired and stressed or have children interrupting you.
Good luck OP uf you love each other you'll sort things out, its hard living with other people regardless of how long you have been together and its important you both compromise. Try not to get cross about his work gnawing into hometime, of course its pants, but at least its a job. As for reading a short story, its not the end of the world the world, your little folk would rather have happy mummy and daddy than arguing mummy and daddy!

I think I've walked into a parallel universe here. People thinks she just needs to sit down and talk to him? How's she supposed to do that when he won't let her tell him when she's unhappy and then buggers off for two nights when she says something that displeases him?

Maybe I'm being too permissive. I just don't feel right making that leap of judgment about a person and a relationship I don't know.

I'm able to ask the OP if she isn't happy and talk about that. Can't ask her DH "were you aggressive towards your DW?" so I just don't want to post all the 'he's violent, get out of there quick' stuff.

scallopsgreat that's how I feel to be honest. But I guess I'm posting to see what the general consensus is, to get unbiased opinions.
I don't feel that I 'nag' him all the time, just can't bite my tongue when I feel there's something unjust or whatever.
I half joke to him sometimes that he wants a stepford wife. He's the loveliest person all the time that I'm smiling and ' being nice' . He often says to me (if I'm complaining) JBN, JBN ( just be nice) which really pisses me off.

Weevil does he actually say J B N as in the letters not the words?

I only ask because thay sounds like training a pet and puts a real different spin on my perceptions of the situation you describe.

Yes he says the letters. He's also made up a little song that he sings to me when we're arguing - "you do it to yourself, that's what really hurts" ie I start these things.
I do feel a bit like he wants to train me, - you'd think 18 yrs in he'd realise it's not going to happen.
I think he's a bit of a perfectionist and wants a perfect relationship with no disagreements ever.

Fair enough AHardyfool.

I'm sorry I was a bit full on & rude there. I've been on another thread where someone was minimising child sexual abuse and my annoyance (putting it mildly) spilled over on to this thread.

Weevil, keep talking on here, as Ahardyfool says there are some more things coming out which helps give a fuller picture and will help you to get a handle on the state of your relationship. It may also help you understand whether what you are getting out of the relationship now is worth it.