Is it me?

[WeevilKnievel]

Hi,

Just posting for a bit of perspective really. I'm in an 18yr relationship which has always been difficult and I feel like we're going round in circles.
My husband was due to be going out tonight ( a regular fortnightly thing) and was out last night too.
He works from home and generally helps with bath/ bedtime of the kids. But tonight he had a work call that went on til 7.25 so I did the bath etc. he just came upstairs in time for stories so I let him take over.
A couple of minutes later he'd put my son in his cot and said goodnight having read one small board book - usually does a few books. At which point I complained about this, not shouting or swearing ( obviously) but I was annoyed. He was very indignant telling me his work had gone over and he was supposed to be going out at 7.35. I headed down the stairs saying why is it always me that picks up the slack just because he's going out and that he wasn't here last night to help at bedtime either.
He said that's my choice that i don't go out much and as I went down the stairs he flew down the stairs after me - kind of chasing me.
I don't think this is on really, I felt quite scared.
He then lay on the bed for the next 20 mins until I came back up ( my son was calling out) I was in the bathroom with him when H came in and said " thanks for ruining my night" and inferring that I'd thrown a spanner in the works to scupper his night out!
I told him that his threatening behaviour wasn't on and he said no it's not ideal but why do you always do it ( complain basically)
I asked him does he not expect me to say something if I'm unhappy and he said " no not really"
He then went out after telling me that he wouldn't be home til tomorrow night or Saturday morning.
I'm sorry this is really boring but after 18yrs of this kind of thing I really need some help. Believe it or not I still feel a bit shaky and sick.

I agree with scallops on this one. He really does seem, from what you've said, to be an abusive arse. He recites an acronym to you and sings you a patronising little song when you dare to disagree with him? Does he have any positives, this man child you're in a relationship with?

Weevil, before I sleep: this is not sounding so good now. The song is odd behaviour and very much belittling towards you in my view. Maybe it's a quirk of your interactions. Everyone is different I guess but to me, singing to someone who is raising a concern is snide, patronising and designed to humiliate.

Do think carefully about these things.

Scallops - thank you for your comments. I do appreciate where you are coming from totally and maybe as weevil mentions more things I'd be further inclined to share your view on this particular situation.

I've been in an EA relationship and left once I was clear that that was what it was. I'm now slightly dominant in my present relationship and also aware of how not being happy in oneself can lead to passive aggression and not being explicit in 'complaints'.

Good luck OP :)

Like I say, he's great unless I cause ' a problem' for example, a couple of wks ago we had a big falling out because I asked him not to play some music too loud. I asked him nicely, a few times and was completely ignored, in front of the dc which was what upset me the most. But that's another example of me 'starting something'

Thanks to everyone that's replied by the way. It really is so helpful. Am going to bed now, but now don't feel so alone with this.

Just for you weev as to be honest he sounds a bit of a dick, try sining this to the tune of twinkle twinkle little star

Dearest husband you are a turd,
No sorry dear i think you misheard
But everytime i want to talk
You get all mardy and off you stalk,
Now you see you've done me in,
So please be a dear and get my gin

I polish you shoes
I cook your meals,yes sir no sir
Thats the deal, problem is love its 2014
Not the twenties we're living in
Its time you learnt how to clean,
And do some house work without making a scene

You try to control and patronize
And say clichéd things like " be nice"
I'd be nice and would not nag
If you werent such a a complete toerag.
Well thats it dear i am said and done
Now i an off to have some fun.

Scallops thank goodness it isn't just me thinking "wtf"??? Chasing OP down the stairs, turning it on the OP, SINGING a song at her when in an argument?? I've got the rage weevil on your behalf.....and if someone uses that damn sexist term "nag" one more time like it's a "fair enough" term? I need to lie down....

In the light of your latest posts, I would say he is abusive both emotionally and physically. No point in talking to him, he will belittle whatever you say, maybe make promises which he won't keep, and you'll be back to square one in no time.

ohmypants love it

Jux I think you're right, there's probably no point talking to him. It always follows the same pattern, I approach him to talk it through, he's defensive and insulting, I get upset, then the no talking starts.
It's very hard when he's working from home to be in this environment (I'm a sahm)
I really wish I had a friend or relative I could descend on for a few days at times like this.

You could phone Women's Aid. They can just chat and help you clear your head, give you advice, maybe help you see a way forward. There's no obligation to kick him out, make snap decisions or pursue him through the Courts! Just a chat to help you ground yourself.

I agree with Scallops - and even if you are a nag (yep I also hate that misogynistic horrid word) you do not deserve to be frightened or threatened. He sounds like an abusive bully and I am sure you spend an awful lot of your life walking on eggshells. You are bashing your head against a brick wall with him as he will never admit there is a problem and when you try and resolve it he turns it onto you or gives you the silent treatment. Not a respectful, equal partnership is it? He treats you like dirt I think. I agree - Woman's Aid and perhaps legal advice.

The new info really does paint a different picture here. There's being Moany (replacement for nag as not appropriate to debate how gender biased the term is) and there's being an ignorant prick who doesn't listen. He sounds as though he falls more into the latter category.

As to whether he can desist - and whether you wish to attempt to reach that point via strategies you might consider employing is your entirely personal choice.

I wouldn't waste the energy having been there done that but of course energy is required in building your life away from him if that's what you choose.

Being stuck with a EA partner is never easy and that's why people remain victims of such behaviour but it is doable and children in the situation will be better for it despite the upheaval.

My god he sounds hard work, and sorry but in no way is it acceptable for him to piss off for a night or two, that's just disgusting.

You will never win with him, he's always right, I think you'd be better off out of it tbh.

Few things really, pulling your OP apart and taking it bit by bit:

My husband was due to be going out tonight ( a regular fortnightly thing) and was out last night too. He works from home and generally helps with bath/ bedtime of the kids. But tonight he had a work call that went on til 7.25 so I did the bath etc. he just came upstairs in time for stories so I let him take over.

helping with the kids is saying that it's not his responsibilty. as is babysitting You have a 21 yo, they can babysit, your H would be being a parent to his children

A couple of minutes later he'd put my son in his cot and said goodnight having read one small board book - usually does a few books. At which point I complained about this, not shouting or swearing ( obviously) but I was annoyed. He was very indignant telling me his work had gone over and he was supposed to be going out at 7.35.

If he is going out, one board book is FINE. why wouldn't it be. If he is going out, and you thought more books were required, you could step right back in. You have to leave him to parent in the way that he wants to, micromanaging is ridiculous and guaranteed to annoy even the most passive of partners.

I headed down the stairs saying why is it always me that picks up the slack just because he's going out and that he wasn't here last night to help at bedtime either.

Here you were unreasonable IMO, he went out last night and the night before and otherwise does do his bit with the bedtimes. You too could go out, but are choosing not to. MAKE THAT A PRIORITY FOR YOU TO CHANGE BTW

He said that's my choice that i don't go out much ...
Fair enough. He has a point here - do something about that! :)

and as I went down the stairs he flew down the stairs after me - kind of chasing me.

Here is where it goes completely wrong and wonky.

I don't think this is on really, I felt quite scared.
He has no right to do this to you - that's abusive and deeply dysfunctional

He then lay on the bed for the next 20 mins until I came back up ( my son was calling out) I was in the bathroom with him when H came in and said " thanks for ruining my night" and inferring that I'd thrown a spanner in the works to scupper his night out!
He has no right to do this to you - he's blaming you for something that HE is creating (by not geting himself ready to go out) AND also punishing YOUR child because he's angry at you.

I told him that his threatening behaviour wasn't on and he said no it's not ideal but why do you always do it ( complain basically)
He has no right to do this to you - he is blaming you for his scary behaviour AND neglecting your child calling out for him

I asked him does he not expect me to say something if I'm unhappy and he said " no not really" He then went out after telling me that he wouldn't be home til tomorrow night or Saturday morning
He has no right to do this to you - punishing you AND your DC.

What you do now is to tell him to STAY out until he stops trying to control you and your family. he is setting your DC a terrible example.

Bit long, sorry, but there were lots of things that stood out to me that were unsettling and bad habits to get into. (at the very least)

My trouble is that I get annoyed easily (by him) and find it difficult to hide. Even when I don't voice my annoyance, he'll know I'm annoyed by my face and that's not acceptable either.
Things have got worse in the last few years because I think he's trying to create this perfect 'utopia' for our children to grow up in. Where no one gets annoyed or angry and they only see good emotions.
He won't accept that it's not realistic and I'm certainly not capable of maintaining that 'face'.
He also doesn't accept that his reaction to me is even more harmful than my initial 'moan'. Everything just boils back down to being my fault.

I read back and more in depth. I think you are going to have to prepare yourself for the discovery that he's not actually a very healthy person to live with and his way of life is unsustainable.

You need to think about being able to stand on your own 2 feet. You need to see what help you can get if you were to separate.

Thanks Hissy that's helpful. You're right, I do micro manage him a bit in regards to the children, and then find it very difficult to bite my tongue.
I know that if I could bite my tongue more often then we wouldn't have a lot of these arguments. Do I accept that I'm not that person or try to find some strategies for keeping schtum?

You seem to be going all out to change you, it's him who's causing the stress, what is HE going to do to change?

As a guy reading this thread I have to say I agree with the consensus that this man is all kinds of trouble. Telling you to 'JBN' or singing you a Radiohead song (for it is indeed a Radiohead song -- called 'Just') to put you in your place is really just another way of telling you to shut up, or that you don't matter to him.

He seems to think a perfect relationship is one in which people never argue or challenge one another. In fact, a perfect relationship is one where people are free to talk and raise issues and work through them and to help each other become the best possible version of themselves.

I totally understand why you have been biting your tongue, but I sort of picture is having like a perforated groove in it from you biting it so much. He is really censoring you and manipulating you, and the little chase down the stairs does sound menacing.

Jan45 he doesn't think he's in the wrong at all, I guess that's why we go round in circles.
nrVous thanks for that, I wish I could bite my tongue a bit more to be honest.
Thanks again to everyone that's replied. It really helps to hear other people's opinions.

This "utopia" of which you speak simply means he would do whatever he wanted and you would STFU

Not much of a perfect relationship to model for the kiddies is it ?

If my H fucked off for 48 hours he would find his belongings at his mothers, for good

If he wants the freedom of a single man with no wife to "nag" him, let him have it

He did come home after all. I sent him a message to say that if he didn't then I would assume he intends for this to go to the next level. ( he does the school run, and it would have been a major inconvenience as I have to take my son to pre school at that time) So he came home, slept on the sofa and we haven't spoken all day.
But no AnyFucker it's not much of a ' utopia' for the kids. I think he thinks his anger is invisible to them.

I'm tempted to say ltb. Actually yes, ltb and get yourself out there. Try Facebook and the library for groups, voluntary stuff and make contact with some humans other than family and in his case, I use the term 'human' loosely

Crikey, what do you get out of being in a relationship,with him, he is abusive, plain and simple. And what's all this buggering off for a couple of days? Eff that! What a bloody cheek!

I was in a relationship for 13-14 years that left a lot to be desired, and a lot of what your partner does resonates with me. The anger and resentment just isn't worth it you know. You could have peace and happiness without him I'd bet. People don't tend to change, except maybe to get worse!