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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my relationship may be dead

91 replies

CalmAndConfused · 16/10/2014 08:18

Hi all,

I'm posting here really as I don't know what else to do. I don't really have anyone I can vent this to.

Things have been bad between me and DH for a long time now. We have periods of being happy, but there is a lot of friction between us, and we seem to have had more bad times than good in our relationship. So as not to drip feed, we have been together since teenage years, and have only ever had a relationship with each other. We have 2 DD's. One who is in preschool and a young baby.

Well my DH has been away with work yesterday and today and I have not missed him at all - in fact in a lot of ways life has been easier. He does virtually nothing round the house/with the kids - so I haven't even had anymore work to do around the house. Anyway, we have barely even talked since he's been away. He rung me for about 5 mins last night. Didn't send me a goodnight text, nothing this morning etc. He said he missed me during the phone call he said he missed me - I skirted the issue as I couldn't even bring myself to say it back. I'm not excited by him coming home today either Sad I am just so lost, sad and confused by this. I don't want to live my life in a relationship which is dead, where the is no excitement or life, but at the same time he's all I've ever know. Since I was 16 I have been with him - it's like contemplating cutting of my arm.

Not sure what I am even posting this for tbh...

OP posts:
Joysmum · 24/10/2014 11:18

It's a process, getting ready to dissolve a relationship. You sound like you're ready mentally, now it's time to work out the practicalities. There are people on here who can help you with that but get organised. Find out your rights and plan for it.

Hoping this bump to the top make make your thread more visible to the truly amazing women on here who can best help Flowers

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 24/10/2014 12:35

Thank you :) Yes I think I am finally mentally ready, now just to make my plan with help.

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 25/10/2014 12:43

Today it is just H, me and our youngest DD at home. We actually have nothing to do together, H is now spending his time doing overtime at home for work (his choice, it's not required), and I'm with the baby...

OP posts:
thisisnow · 25/10/2014 14:39

How are you going to make the first steps? Will it be him leaving the house or you? Thanks

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 25/10/2014 14:51

I'm not sure. It's privately rented at a rate I can afford on my own (doubt I could find cheaper), so I'm thinking him leave...

OP posts:
thisisnow · 25/10/2014 15:04

That's good that you'll be able to afford it on your own. Does he have any idea do you think? When are you going to tell him?

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 25/10/2014 17:17

He knows I'm not happy and he is doing his nice guy routine now - the thing is I know that it won't last, and even being on his best behaviour, he still barely does anything.

I don't have a solid idea of when to tell him yet, I still have things I need to sort i.e when do I start applying for benefits, getting copies of everything, telling family, setting up my own bank account (not sure what else I need to do...).

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 25/10/2014 20:46

H is now acting all hurt and dejected that I have said no to having sex, he keeps going on about it and coming in looking like a puppy about to be shot... in fact thinking about it he gets the hump if I ever say 'No', and asks me why not - meaning I have to come up with/have a reason...

OP posts:
JaceyBee · 25/10/2014 20:59

Mmm, sulking. Sexy Hmm Say you have thrush or a UTI?

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 25/10/2014 21:03

We don't have any contraception, so it is a no go really. But he's sulking because he wants to be intimate in other ways (sorry tmi), I'm now getting him coming through every few mins saying how he misses spending time with me etc etc arg I just want to be left alone :(

OP posts:
thisisnow · 25/10/2014 22:13

So Monday you start as you mean to go on, enquire about your benefits and you're own bank account and take the first steps.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 26/10/2014 06:11

That sounds like a good place to start - thank you thisisnow

About the debt relief order, basically if our financial situation stays the same for a year (or changes but we still don't have more than £50 free a month), then our debts get written off. This will be finished in April.

While my income via benefits when I separate from him will still meet the criteria for this, Hs income will obviously be to high, unless he stays living with me until he moves out. If he stays living at this address how would that work. I'm guessing I wouldn't be able to claim benefits until he has left, but obviously he also won't want to share his income with me...

OP posts:
Funnyfishface · 26/10/2014 08:00

Good morning calmandconfused

I am in a similar situation to you. 25 years together with two grown up sons. Also on medication for anxiety. My oh is controlling, emotionally abusive, jealous etc. I am on the brink of separating.
I have seen a solicitor £90 for first consultation. To be honest it didn't tell me anything more than I already knew. However I have heard woman's aid centres are brilliant and offer free advice.
We have had 18 months of couples counselling and all the time we were going he would argue his point.
6 weeks ago I told him I can't go on like this, I feel differently. I don't love him the same. I'm sick of being in a rollercoaster relationship. It makes the anxiety really bad.
I need to be in a calm environment. I don't want endless dramas. He promised he would change. He is making lots of effort but it's not natural. It feels so false and um waiting for his mask to slip.
Even if he has changed this time. It's too late.
Like you though I'm scared to say Its Over. Not for me. But worried about him.
Unfortunately I think that's because we are nice people who don't like upset.
But.... I have to find the courage.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 26/10/2014 08:58

Thank you for your post FunnyFish. It does sound very similar to me, especially the trying hard, but just waiting for them to slip up - that really resonates with me. Ugh so hard to make the final leap and hurt him...

This morning he said in front of our DD - it was nice to to not have her (or as he claims 'it' - meaning her whining) yesterday :(

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 27/10/2014 06:42

Ugh keeping up with the plan this morning. How H has been just keeps reconfirming I am doing the right thing.

Firstly he again stormed downstairs when the baby started crying - instead of you know, actually helping. Then this morning he tells me he unloaded the dishwasher so that I 'don't have to do it this morning'. Funny how I don't point out all the jobs I do so that he 'doesn't have to do them'... arh yes I forgot, that'd because they are my responsibility because I am the little woman....

He then criticises our DD and her behaviour, before finally having a go at me for what she was having for breakfast... if he bloody cares that much you'd think he'd get of his arse and do her breakfast. But no, it's a constant stream of what I should be doing from him throughout each day, with him never actually pulling his fucking finger out.

Fuck I just want him gone. I kinda wish we'd have a fight (he keeps trying to pick one with me), so I can tell him to fuck off.

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 28/10/2014 06:43

Just need to note this down somewhere. I'm doing the weekly food shop today as we have literally nothing in the house and H asked if after lugging both kids round the shop and having other errands as well, if I could then drop lunch off to his work for him. why would he not do what everyone else would do and go and get his own? After telling him no he then proceeds to sulk.

last night he pestered for sex again and after telling him no (he already knew I was exhausted and my back was hurting ) he proceeds to tell my fine suit yourself and then promptly leaves in a strop

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