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Original poster

I think my relationship may be dead

91 replies

CalmAndConfused · 16/10/2014 08:18

Hi all,

I'm posting here really as I don't know what else to do. I don't really have anyone I can vent this to.

Things have been bad between me and DH for a long time now. We have periods of being happy, but there is a lot of friction between us, and we seem to have had more bad times than good in our relationship. So as not to drip feed, we have been together since teenage years, and have only ever had a relationship with each other. We have 2 DD's. One who is in preschool and a young baby.

Well my DH has been away with work yesterday and today and I have not missed him at all - in fact in a lot of ways life has been easier. He does virtually nothing round the house/with the kids - so I haven't even had anymore work to do around the house. Anyway, we have barely even talked since he's been away. He rung me for about 5 mins last night. Didn't send me a goodnight text, nothing this morning etc. He said he missed me during the phone call he said he missed me - I skirted the issue as I couldn't even bring myself to say it back. I'm not excited by him coming home today either Sad I am just so lost, sad and confused by this. I don't want to live my life in a relationship which is dead, where the is no excitement or life, but at the same time he's all I've ever know. Since I was 16 I have been with him - it's like contemplating cutting of my arm.

Not sure what I am even posting this for tbh...

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 16/10/2014 21:27

Well he's home and I just don't want him near me Sad

fuck I really can't ignore this can I

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 16/10/2014 21:29

I'm right back to being stressed, anxious, irritable and on edge ...

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scallopsrgreat · 16/10/2014 21:32

I don't think so, no. I think you'll feel better once you've made a decision (and you know what decision you have to make). As Cogito says you'll regret not making a decision 3 years down the line. In fact can you imagine still being in this situation in 3 yrs and how insane you'd feel about it?

thisisnow · 16/10/2014 22:40

Don't be anxious, you're doing the right thing if the relationship is making you unhappy. Do you have a time where you can sit down and talk with him, and get things out in the open?

JimmyChoosChimichanga · 17/10/2014 07:42

Separate and that anxiety will disappear - trust me! Flowers

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 17/10/2014 08:48

Thank you for all for talking. I can't describe how I felt yesterday when he wasn't here, it felt so weird to be so...calm I guess (hard to pinpoint it exactly). With him home I start to question myself. I find it so hard to imagine leaving him. Not hard to imagine being without him and through the other side, but the actual leaving him.

He's being suffocating today. He knows something is wrong, so is being Mr nice guy and being all caring. I just want my space.

I think I do need to separate from him - I just have no idea how to do this, emotionally or practically. I guess hand-holding and support if possible would be helpful, and any more advice people can give.

I feel like I'm being such a bitch and bad guy for even contemplating this.

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Seriouslyffs · 17/10/2014 09:04

How old is the youngest child?
cogito said something upthread about definitely regretting making no decision over possibly regretting making the right one.
I disagree. Certainly for me the baby and toddler years were pretty bleak in our marriage. We both loved the dcs and like you DH wasn't around much to help. 15 years on we're very happy- we seek out time to spend with each other. If I'd chosen to leave him when I was exhausted unfulfilled, resentful all those years ago I might be having a fantastic life now, but I might not and I'm definitely extremely happy, fulfilled and in love now.

Seriouslyffs · 17/10/2014 09:05

And I used to enjoy the quiet and freedom to not think about another adult's needs when I was knee deep in nappies and BLW. I didn't miss DH, didn't mean the relationship was broken.

Seriouslyffs · 17/10/2014 09:11

Sorry cogito I'm picking on you and I usually agree with you!
'The only guarantee you have is that, if you do nothing, nothing will change'
Again I disagree- the children will get less dependant, your horizons will expand and you'll have more time for friends and you'll be more fulfilled at university. I'd consider my options very carefully in your shoes because this is such high stress and atypical time in your relationship. The status quo will not always be that you're at home with few interests outside.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 17/10/2014 09:36

Thank you for your posts Seriouslyffs. I do agree with you on the whole, however in my case this has been going on for years - before we even had kids. Before I got pregnant with our 1st DD I went to stay with family for a week, coming back I was starting to look into leaving DH, however I then fell pregnant with DD.

Also it is not just the fact that I didn't miss him - onit's own that would seem a silly reason to leave him. It is just part of a long list of issues with us...

I am really trying to weigh up my options - it is just so hard to know which way to turn

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thisisnow · 17/10/2014 10:02

So what was your relationship like before kids? Did you do things together? Have shared and independent interests? Can you ever imagine a time when the kids are grown up where you could grow back into each other (go on a round the world cruise etc) or do you see yourself alone/with someone else?

It is hard and there's no wrong/right way to turn which makes it so difficult.

Seriouslyffs · 17/10/2014 10:30

That does sound difficult calm Before DH I recognise that feeling. I even remember a boyfriend coming home from a week away and being disappointed that he'd not met someone else and was chucking me. In the end we pottered on for another year before I unkindly dumped him for someone else. I don't beat myself up about it, we were both very young and there were no shared assets or dcs. You owe it to yourself, your dcs and him to make the most informed and considered decision.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 17/10/2014 17:58

Before kids the relationship was not good either. We did do things together, but not as much as I would have like. DH is very much an introvert and doesn't like socialising. He would be perfectly happy to just have his own company 24/7, I however enjoy seeing people and doing things. In a lot of ways we are polar opposite, which causes more problems now than when we were younger and in the honeymoon phase of only wanting to be around each other.

When the kids are grown up I think I will be very resentful of my life with him (god that sounds awful Sad) Even now when we have days out without the kids things feel very stiff and awkward. We have grown into to very different people than who we were when we met. I could see myself enjoying being on my own for a while if I split with him, but I do think I would find someone I am head over heels for, and where it is reciprocated in time. Tbh, that's what I wish for. To be with someone I love spending time with, who enjoys things I do, that is hands on with the kids and great with them and an equal partnership.

It is very hard and frustrating that whatever I decide it won;t be the right choice, as there is no 'right' choice...

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 17/10/2014 18:03

Seriouslyffs I feel disappointed at times that DH hasn't found someone else to leave me for, that he isn't messing around, that he has not done something 'big enough' for me to leave - at least not recently. We had a very turbulent period of our relationship that lasted a while about a year in.

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thisisnow · 17/10/2014 18:33

Oh Calm Sad It sounds like you're already emotionally detached from the relationship.

Like I've read so many times on here you don't have to have a huge problem like an affair to allow you to leave a relationship, you being desperately unhappy is reason enough to leave if that's what you want.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 17/10/2014 18:46

I suppose what I am struggling with thisisnow is whether I am just generally unhappy, or whether the relationship is contributing to this. As it is my only relationship, I have nothing to compare it to, not even time being on my own as I never was because we got together so young.

All I keep going over is 'will I be able to be happy outside of this relationship, or will I regret my choice if I do leave'.

Tonight I get very annoyed with the situation. I was reading my eldest DD her bedtime story which mentioned a baby with a smelly nappy. She said to me 'mummies change nappies, not daddies' Sad

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 20/10/2014 09:23

Really struggled this weekend, and today as H is still off work. He is just irritating me so much - probably because I just keep thinking how much easier it is with him not around...

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/10/2014 09:29

If someone else was writing this what would your own counsel be?.

Where do you think you will be in a year's time, still with this man?.

I doubt if your DH would ever leave because he is getting what he wants out of this, you clearly are not. Your unhappiness will become ever more apparent to your children.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what do you think they are learning here from the two of you?.

Mrwillywonkasbitch · 20/10/2014 11:04

Your like me at a cross roads and don't know which way turn :( shite isn't it

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 20/10/2014 12:02

Yes willywonka I am. its proper shite Sad Sad

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 20/10/2014 14:49

Where do I go from here? What steps do I take? I think I will try and talk to my younger sister about how I am feeling, to hopefully get some rl handholding.

How do people keep their heads straight when their DH's go into their lovely mode? DH at the moment is acting completely different to normal, really making an effort and actually being caring. But we've been at this point so many time before, I just know it won't last...

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 20/10/2014 18:50

Anyone?

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bimbobaggins · 20/10/2014 20:25

Hi calm, i just wanted to let you know things do get better. My partner of 10+ years havent got on for many years. We have nothing in common any more, do nothing together, do not speak etc. I love when he works away and my dc and i get on great without him. The last few months have been a living hell. Last week he made the decision to leave. Although it has only been a week and we have many things to sort through, the happiness and relief i have felt in the last week has been wonderful.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 20/10/2014 20:26

Been reading other relationship thread tonight, and I am recognising aspects of my H in a fair few of them. Right now I just think what an idiot I've been, staying in the marriage so long. But then I think of having to tell him I want him to leave, tell our eldest DD, deal with telling my family, his family knowing, sorting out all our stuff, and my resolve starts to crumble.

I wish I could just wake up a year down the line, out the other side, or that the decision is taken out of my hands and he leaves me.

Since I was 16 he has told me we are soulmates, we are meant to be together. He's told me of the great life we'll have together, promised me the world. From the moment I met him it felt like I already knew him. Leaving him will mean that I have to question a lot of beliefs of mine.

I've also read the Lundy book that I've seen recommended a lot in here, and recognise a lot of H in there too. I wish I wasn't in this situation.

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 20/10/2014 20:28

Thank you for your post bimbobaggins did you have times where you got on before he left? I think that is what confuses me so much, he can make me laugh, he can be supportive, and we can have good times. But there are more negative or neutral times than good time.

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