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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my relationship may be dead

91 replies

CalmAndConfused · 16/10/2014 08:18

Hi all,

I'm posting here really as I don't know what else to do. I don't really have anyone I can vent this to.

Things have been bad between me and DH for a long time now. We have periods of being happy, but there is a lot of friction between us, and we seem to have had more bad times than good in our relationship. So as not to drip feed, we have been together since teenage years, and have only ever had a relationship with each other. We have 2 DD's. One who is in preschool and a young baby.

Well my DH has been away with work yesterday and today and I have not missed him at all - in fact in a lot of ways life has been easier. He does virtually nothing round the house/with the kids - so I haven't even had anymore work to do around the house. Anyway, we have barely even talked since he's been away. He rung me for about 5 mins last night. Didn't send me a goodnight text, nothing this morning etc. He said he missed me during the phone call he said he missed me - I skirted the issue as I couldn't even bring myself to say it back. I'm not excited by him coming home today either Sad I am just so lost, sad and confused by this. I don't want to live my life in a relationship which is dead, where the is no excitement or life, but at the same time he's all I've ever know. Since I was 16 I have been with him - it's like contemplating cutting of my arm.

Not sure what I am even posting this for tbh...

OP posts:
bimbobaggins · 20/10/2014 20:42

I can barely remember the last time we got on.we have barely spoken in a year.

thisisnow · 20/10/2014 20:56

Talk to your younger sister definitely. She might have picked up on things that you've mentioned here and help you find the strength to make a decision.

Why do you find it annoying when he's home? Is it because in your mind you're so detached from him already?

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 21/10/2014 00:24

I think it is partly that I have started to emotionally detach from him. annoyances that I used to be able to overlook I now can't. also though it is his attitude to me and the kids, for example he has just stormed downstairs swearing and slamming about because our youngest is teething and has just woken up crying. He did this with our eldest, to the point where he would swear at her, and I warned him I wouldn't stand for it this time.

I also hate how critical he is of our eldest. normal preschooler begaviour he gets so worked up over. He gets so annoyed when she acts her age and not like an adult and will come out with things like 'victorian children acted like adults, so there's no reason for this behaviour '.

I am so sick of living like this Sad yes there are good times, but there are so many shit times. And when they are shit they really are shit.

suprise suprise, without him in the room Dd has calmed down and stopped crying - may even be lightly sleeping... can still hear him thumping and slamming about though... Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 21/10/2014 00:35

I can't sleep atm. I feel sick, shaky and sweaty with what has gone on... I think I've just realised that I can't let this go on Sad plus I get very anxious when he gets irritated and moody due to past issues. I've texted my sister to see when she's free so I can talk to her.

Fuck fuck fuck Sad

OP posts:
thisisnow · 21/10/2014 09:49

How are you feeling this morning Calm?

I am so sick of living like this

It sounds like you've admitted it to yourself now you need to make the next steps, maybe talking to your sister will make it feel more real?

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 21/10/2014 11:10

I feel annoyed this morning that I am in this position. It annoys me that when I have had complaints in the relationship he can't be bothered to take on board what I am saying - it is all words. Yet when he feels he is loosing me, when his life isn't comfortable, then he can turn on the charm, the care and pull his finger out.

I was up for a few hours after my post last night with thoughts swirling round my head and I think my idea of what is normal has become so skewed. I have anxiety issues which also manifest around eating (I have disordered eating, possibly a eating disorder - always have, but that's another thread!). I was trying to explain to my H how I have been feeling recently in relation to food, and my anxiety in general. You know what he asks me... he asks me well if I feel like this then how come I've not been committed yet?! Last night I realised how fucked up my response was... I started to justify to him how being committed works (I am training as an academic psychologist) - instead of getting insulted at what he said, I took it as a valid point!

He always twists my head around and messes me up - gaslighting I think. This morning he asked how our youngest DD slept, I told him fine after he'd finished slamming about, and he denies now ever slamming about.

I am going to have a chat with my sister on Thursday. How do I even begin to broach the subject?

I would love if people could hold my hand here along with my friends and family in real life when they know. Letting me vent and document things so I know I'm not going mad, and to keep my head straight and my strength up. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do this.

OP posts:
thisisnow · 21/10/2014 14:20

You can start by telling her everything you've told us? Are you close to her? Surely she will have an inclining into how you feel?

You can document here to your hearts content, plenty of posters have been through the same thing and can offer support and handholding Thanks

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 21/10/2014 16:44

Thank you thisisnow I will continue to put my thoughts down here then, as it helps me when I forget how he can be, or he starts gaslighting me. It also helps to know that I'm not being unreasonable as he tries to claim.

I told my sister I could do with a good chat on Thursday and she replied to asking if I'm ok and if anything is wrong. Haven't told her anything yet as I don't want to get into it over text. We are close and get on well and I think she'll be very supportive. I guess I'm worried about talking to her about it as when I do I know that it will colour her opinion of my H, make it more real to me, and mean I can't keep on burying my head, which is scary.

OP posts:
Dowser · 21/10/2014 17:27

Will someone mind the kids while you have a night or two away? Maybe then you can see what your marriage is like from all angles.

It does feel very dead from what you've written but life goes through dry spells even with the best relationships.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 21/10/2014 19:53

Unfortunately we don't have any spare money to go away together even if someone could mind the kids. Also I don't think it is a bad spell, as it has lasted around 8 years :(

Tonight it again got to me how everything is him him him. I was putting our eldest DD to bed, and she was taking a bit longer than normal - wanting to chat about her day etc. H then huffs out of the room telling me he's sick of it (how bedtimes are). It really irked me as he never (I mean never) does bedtimes, so why the hell does it matter to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 22/10/2014 06:38

Wow I just have to document how he's been this morning so I don't forget.

Firstly our DD was unsettled again last night - this led to more swearing from him, culminating in him storming downstairs saying 'why won't she just shut the fuck up'. This morning all he goes on about is how he can't have his nights ruined like that etc

During this our eldest DD wants to give him a cuddle, however he just keeps swatting her away and asking her what she is doing.

Finally I got a temporary filling yesterday, which has caused me to have awful tooth pain that has kept me up all night (I'm just waiting on the dentist to open as I need it sorted). He asked me what I'll do with the kids while I'm at the dentist. I told him I'll have them with me. There are toys there so eldest Dd will be fine. But oh no that's not acceptable to him, so he asks if my mum can have them. I tell him I doubt it as she will be busy working or studying and I reiterated that the kids will be fine coming with me. He then starts ranting to ask hus parents, how they'll come and sit with the kids if my mum 'doesn't want to help me out'. On and fucking on he went. Why can't he let me do things how I feel best?

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 22/10/2014 07:19

Sorry, posting again Sad

just went upstairs to get some nappies and eldest DD followed me. After he shouts at her to get downstairs she starts jumping off the bottom steps. He starts telling her not to that, fair enough and I leave him to it. He then comes after me asking why I let her do that and why didn't I back him up...

He really does see the kids as my sole responsibility doesn't he Sad also as I said to him 1) he was dealing with it, so why would I join in 2) if I had 'backed him up' he would have claimed I was undermining him - as he has done every time previously.

I'm fucking damned if I do and damned if I don't. ..

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/10/2014 07:30

You would be better off apart and yes, he does see the children as your sole responsibility.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here, surely not this frankly awful role model of one with him acting out the role of Victorian Dad.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 22/10/2014 08:10

I would hate for my DD's to be in a relationship like this. I know I need to be a good role model, which means showing them it's not acceptable to be in a relationship like this. I suppose I find it hard as he always promises things will be different if I'm patient I. e after I've finished uni, when I have a job, when he gets a better job and so on.

I need to find out what I need to do in order to separate - no idea where to start.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/10/2014 09:06

Seek legal advice to begin with from a local firm of solicitors.

Also look at the entitledto.co.uk website re benefits.

(You mentioned ASD in one of your initial postings, has he been formally diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum by someone like a developmental paed?)

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 22/10/2014 09:14

No he's not been formally diagnosed.

how much should I expect to pay to discuss things with a solicitor and what sort of things should I be asking? We literally have no spare money.

We rent atm, so am I right in thinking that makes separation easier? It's 3 bedroomed, so should I be looking for a 2 bedroomed place to rent so I don't get stung by the extra room thing in regards to benefits?

OP posts:
JaceyBee · 22/10/2014 10:22

I think it's fairly clear what you need to do here. Go onto the govt website and see what benefits you would be entitled to as a single parent. Look for properties to rent, if you're renting privately bedroom tax isn't relevant. If council house you may be given a 2 bed, not sure how it works.

Unfortunately you may come out of this looking in his eyes like 'the bad guy'. This is his narrative and he may winge to others about how you left him and blah blah. This is something you may have to just suck up. The people who are important to you and know and love you won't buy into this, especially if you explain like you have here how unhappy you've been.

As a therapist, for me depression and anxiety are existential, not chemical. Your body and your mind are trying to tell you something. Listen. I have every faith that when you are single and settled, you won't suffer with your anxiety disorder anymore.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 22/10/2014 10:44

We are private renting, so maybe it's best to keep the kids settled in this house. I have looked on the government website at benefits and it looks like I will be able to be ok financially. The other thing is we are on a DRO which ends in April. should I just suck it up until then...

OP posts:
JaceyBee · 22/10/2014 11:36

I don't know what a DRO is sorry?

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 22/10/2014 12:33

Sorry, it's a debt relief order

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/10/2014 13:07

I would speak to Stepchange about the DRO in the first instance on 0800 138 1111 as well as seeking legal advice.

Would not stay till April in any event; you're miserable enough now and his behaviour towards them will be already having a deleterious effect on your children.

JaceyBee · 22/10/2014 13:49

I'm sure you can work it out in the details, it doesn't sound like an immovable obstacle to me although I don't know anything about it to be fair.

The thing is there will always be stuff in the way, Xmas, birthdays, illness whatever. There won't be a 'perfect time' to leave him. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't. Maybe make an appt with CAB and discuss options with them?

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 22/10/2014 18:29

Arg. .. he's come home, had dinner (after asking me what is he having for dinner) and then said he will sort out the dishwasher to 'save me from doing it later ' as obviously all housework is my responsibility. While sitting in the living room DD started standing on her books and he tells me that I really have to sort out her doing that and make her respect her stuff... not we..oh no.. I have too Angry Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 23/10/2014 19:43

Just wanted to update. I talked to my sister today, she was so supportive, I actually just started crying. It felt so good to actually talk to someone about it. She said that whatever I decide to do she will always support me.

It still doesn't feel real tbh, that I could actually leave him. It is so hard to stay strong and keep resolved - especially when he is trying so hard atm.

I think I know that I do need to leave though as H came home and has had some medical issues today which relate to long running issues he's previously had surgery for. It means that he may need more surgery, and I just can't bring myself to care. I feel like an awful person admitting that.

All I want is my own space - so much so that I am just saying I am tiered from the baby each night so I can be on my own in the bedroom Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 24/10/2014 09:38

So I think I am resolved to leave, as mentioned up thread I am sick of living like this, and I have been doing the same dance for almost a decade.

I don't know how to practically do it though. At the moment it feels that I am waiting for him to pick a fight, ask me what the point of him being here is and let him leave that way...

Help please

OP posts: