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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So if your partner won't say he loves you or hug you, or kiss you...

53 replies

spotcheck · 15/10/2014 22:24

it ain't good right?
The backstory: we've been together 2 years and broken up a few times. We were back together for 10 months -things were really good and he recently moved in. Just before he moved in he started to drift away a bit. Nothing I could put my finger on, but not as affectionate as he was(he's not hugely affectionate anyways).
Anyways, he moved in - its been a few months and I can't remember when he last said he loved me. Or hugged me. We've had sex about 3 times in the last few months and during some of those times he refused to kiss me Blush. I've tried to talk to him but he says all is fine, he does love me etc etc.
I've said I can't live without affection and without being told I'm loved, but nothing has really changed.
I have kids, and he is brilliant with them - he loves being around them and they love him being here.
He's in his mid 40's, has never lived with someone with kids and has always been a bit of a lone wolf.
I'm hoping its all just an adjustment but think I'm probably fooling myself.
I feel so rejected, horrified, angry......

OP posts:
cheerupandhaveaglassofwine · 15/10/2014 22:33

Sorry you are going through this, I feel your pain, my DW is exactly the same although sex 3 times in a couple of months would have been good, we have only managed 3 times all year so far, can't really offer any good advice sorry

Drumdrum60 · 15/10/2014 22:38

That's just the way he is I think . Can you live like this or lower your expectations ?

Jux · 15/10/2014 22:47

I'd kick him out again and then he should work around his inability to show affection while I worked out whether I really could spend the rest of my life with someone who never hugged me, would never wake me with a kiss. If I was happy with that then carry on, other wise I'd stop and look for someone more compatible.

I'm not saying LTB, just that this relationship is not actually what you seem to want, and unless you can get more affection from him - which would involve him working on whatever it is that is stopping him from showing it - then you aren't going to be happy, are you?

BitchPeas · 15/10/2014 22:48

At best you are incompatible, which with something this fundamental to your relationship, is not great, or Erectile dysfunction. With both of these, if both sides wanted it to work you could both make the effort and move forward.

At worst, something sinister is going on, porn, prostitutes, an affair, etc.

Have you confronted the issue with him? What does he say?

And do not lower your expectations, you will be miserable, he's not making such huge allowances for your needs, so why should you for his? That's not an equal relationship.

Original poster
spotcheck · 15/10/2014 23:11

I have tried to talk to him about it- he says he wants to stay, that we will get back to where we were. I'm being kind, patient and loving but I need something to go on. He's not given me any solid reason why he's backed off. I feel like I have to make the relationship right before he'll come back again...?

Has anyone been through similar? We used to be friends/ partners- now we're more like room mates

OP posts:
Original poster
spotcheck · 15/10/2014 23:12

Btw- no erectile dysfunction :)

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 15/10/2014 23:14

He refused to kiss you during sex, to me thats a little weird and almost like he sees sex as something to get off like wanking and not a intimate act.

Chaseface · 15/10/2014 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 15/10/2014 23:18

Yeah, really you've broken up a few times in 14 months, that should have told you something.

iggymama · 15/10/2014 23:23

As I read your OP, I was thinking how similar to my ex dh. When I read the words 'lone wolf' I felt sick as he always used that phrase to describe himself.

I cannot tell you to ltb, but I can say in my experience things got worse not better. No affection, no kissing, very little sex and none at all in the last three years. He did not even comfort me when I cried after a close family bereavement. Reading this forum has made me see that while not violent he was certainly verbally and emotionally abusive. We divorced more than a decade ago but my self esteem is still in the gutter.

The worst thing of all is he seems to be succeeding in encouraging out teenage son to follow in his footsteps.

Whatever you decide I wish you love and happiness.

vodkanchocolate · 15/10/2014 23:27

Hi, sorry to say but I think you both need to accept your relationship isnt going anywhere from what you have said you dont sound compatible at all. I think personally I would end it x

Original poster
spotcheck · 15/10/2014 23:29

Things were solid for nearly a year, then seemed to go off track right before he moved in.
Yes in hindsight, it should have told me something. As he just moved in I'm hoping the relationship hasn't run its coarse.
Tali- yes, it did seem like biology rather than intimacy :(

OP posts:
Original poster
spotcheck · 15/10/2014 23:32

Iggy- sorry to hear about your experience. ..

OP posts:
iggymama · 15/10/2014 23:51

Thanks spot. I hope things work out better for you, but perhaps being under the same roof is showing you his true colors.

Do you see him making any real effort since you spoke with him?

knittingdad · 16/10/2014 00:21

It is possible that he has Asperger's - this is a bit like mild Autism.

There's information available from the National Autistic Society:

www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/autism-and-asperger-syndrome-an-introduction/what-is-asperger-syndrome.aspx

and

www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/parents-relatives-and-carers/partners.aspx

If this is the case - and he could see a Psychologist for a diagnosis - then it's something that you can work together on to deal with, though he's always going to be different in some ways from a "normal" person.

Of course it's also possible that he's just a git, but it's worth checking.

Original poster
spotcheck · 16/10/2014 07:43

Thank you for the links knitting :)
I don't know- he's very good in social situations, is popular and easily makes conversation .

OP posts:
Suckitup · 16/10/2014 07:47

Sounds like the relationship has simply run its course. I don't see how you can change that in your circumstances.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/10/2014 07:48

If it were something like Asperger's surely he'd have been the same from the off, rather than changing once he moved in. My theory is that now he's got his feet under the table he can't be bothered to pretend any more. That, or "I feel like I have to make the relationship right before he'll come back again" is what he's really after - make the little woman run round anxiously considering his wishes all the time. Either lazy or sneaky then. Not a good outlook either way.

Jux · 16/10/2014 08:18

It's quite easy to try to find excuses for unloving/unkind behaviour, but really it's not your responsibility to look for why he is like this or what can be done. If he were worried about it he would do something and maybe eventually a health professional would suggest something, but it's pointless trying to find excuses, wildly clutching at straws. This early in the relationship you should both be borne aloft in your love and desire for each other. He isn't and you're unhappy.

Disentangle yourself before it gets too complicated. Oh, and don't get pg!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 16/10/2014 08:20

What exactly makes you think aspergers?

OP, he's just not that into you. Who knows why he moved in, maybe he was lonely, maybe he was settling, maybe it was just easier. But he doesn't fancy you and that's the bottom line. Can your self esteem handle a relationship like this?

ImperialBlether · 16/10/2014 10:25

I couldn't live like that. It's clearly upsetting you and not bothering him at all. I wonder whether his desire to stay is based on other things? Did he benefit financially from moving in? Do you do all the housework/cooking etc?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/10/2014 10:28

He sounds like a dead loss. Anyone can be good with kids. Doesn't make them a good partner. No expression of affection either physical or verbal and you've only been together 2 years? Think you should give it up as a bad job.

knittingdad · 16/10/2014 14:59

@EhricLovesTheBhrothers - "What exactly makes you think aspergers?"

The one thing that stood out for me, in addition to the thread title, was this:

OP - "has always been a bit of a lone wolf."

Now it's not much to base a diagnosis on, which is why I linked to the information, rather than stating it as fact. And with subsequent information it does now seem unlikely.

knittingdad · 16/10/2014 15:00

Oops! No html tags

TheRealJoanWarburton · 16/10/2014 15:21

Out! Out! Out! He has to go.
I have Aspergers. I know many people with Aspergers. Some don't do relationships at all. But others are very sweet and cuddly. Aspergers isn't the problem.
He's using you. Once he knew he had you hooked (he was moving in) he didn't have to try any more.
Sex without kisses is intolerable.
Tell him to fuck the fuck off.

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