So if your partner won't say he loves you or hug you, or kiss you...

[spotcheck]

it ain't good right?
The backstory: we've been together 2 years and broken up a few times. We were back together for 10 months -things were really good and he recently moved in. Just before he moved in he started to drift away a bit. Nothing I could put my finger on, but not as affectionate as he was(he's not hugely affectionate anyways).
Anyways, he moved in - its been a few months and I can't remember when he last said he loved me. Or hugged me. We've had sex about 3 times in the last few months and during some of those times he refused to kiss me . I've tried to talk to him but he says all is fine, he does love me etc etc.
I've said I can't live without affection and without being told I'm loved, but nothing has really changed.
I have kids, and he is brilliant with them - he loves being around them and they love him being here.
He's in his mid 40's, has never lived with someone with kids and has always been a bit of a lone wolf.
I'm hoping its all just an adjustment but think I'm probably fooling myself.
I feel so rejected, horrified, angry......

"He says he wants to stay"

Yes, he says that rather than "I love you". I think that tells you how he sees this arrangement. He gets to stay in your house. He gets company around him. He gets the advantages of a relationship - you haven't said, but I'm guessing there'll be laundry and meals involved. Even if he was doing half of the housework, that would still be half what he had to do in his own place.

The fact that you split up several times within a couple of years shows that you've never been that convinced that he's the right person for you. You hoped that moving in together would move your relationship into a new deeper more committed phase.

It hasn't worked.

You are on route to a sexless, loveless relationship, and that's not what you want or need.

Get him to move back out. Go back to dating and see if he is capable of changing his behaviour. Or split up if you don't think that's realistically going to happen.

I wish people on here would stop using aspergers as the stock response when someone's partner is detached/ off/ become more remote etc.
It's not something you can switch on and off.
The man is a penis. That's my diagnosis.

I'm afraid that this happened in my relationship only it was me that backed off from my H. I didn't love him and couldn't bear for him to touch me or come near me.

However, I had asked him to separate some years previously and when he cried and said that he couldn't live without me and the DCs I just detached even further from him and we lived a miserable existence. He had an affair and left me in the end (quite abruptly) - never has a woman been so relieved that her husband was being unfaithful so she could be rid of him.

If your relationship is anything like mine was, it might be better to call it a day now and end it while you can still be civil to each other.

Neither me or my H were happy once I'd detached from the relationship, we both had a miserable few years which I would never wish on anyone.

Hi all
Thank you for your input - it's hard to see clearly sometimes when you're in the middle of it.
( no chance of me ever getting pg - he never goes there)

Are you saying that as well as no affection, when you have sex its not vaginal? It sounds to me like he doesn't even LIKE you, op. You deserve SO much better than the this. Cut your losses, seriously.

Vaginal is definitely not the norm- he's never completed the job there ( He says he's never been able to apart from many many years ago)

Dead loss. Did he move into your place? I think you have to give him notice to quit and then follow through.

spotcheck why are you with him? Why's he in your home? He sounds awful. You deserve so much better, everyone does.

You dont think he might be gay do you?

How do you even get to the point of having sex, without kissing? Sounds horribly functional to me.

Either way, this is not right. Its been two years, you should still be in the honeymoon period, but you've already split several times?
You're getting nothing out of this 'relationship', end it, and find someone who will adore you.

Think he might have lost sensation due to too much 'lone wolf' action? I wouldn't entertain introducing someone to my children when the relationship is so on/off let alone let them move in. You need to get rid, once and for all and take your time before you make such big decisions next time.

So his good points are, he plays with the kids... er, that's it really. You could get a puppy for that.

Buzzard- we started as friends, so he met my children that way. He was my best friend....

Maybe a good friend, but a lousy partner spot. You can still be friends, you shouldn't have to live the rest of your life with lousy sex and zero affection, because trust me on this one, it will only get worse.

How did it occur that he would move in? Did you ask him or did he ask you ?

Just saw that you havnt had vaginal sex. Hence the no kissing. As someone else said, could he be gay?

It's occurred to me that he could be gay. He lived for a long while with someone he said he loved as a friend - the next move in relationship went south nearly as soon as he moved in with her.
Before anyone asks if that was a red flag- yes I did worry which is why he moved in to my house rather than us moving into a new house. He's never properly committed to someone but I hoped things would be different with us. We did have a fabulous friendship, and things were very good when they were good. The sex was always a bit of a compromise but I've been with another man who didn't love vaginal sex. He's never been hugely affectionate but was certainly alot warmer.

Having 'a fabulous friendship' isn't the same as a satisfying physical relationship with a partner. And no vaginal sex (if you actually would prefer it) is strange, especially with no kissing or cuddly affection.
You sound sad and unfulfilled with this man.
I've been married for donkey's years to my dh and he still shows me lots of affection, with kisses and cuddles galore. I couldn't possibly live with a man who was unaffectionate and cold, no matter how much he amused the children!
I'm thinking you should separate for a time and have a good think about things. I hope you can find happiness OP.

If no vaginal sex, what type of sex is it? (Naive)

Men who don't like vaginal sex I would say are men who are not turned on by women. The sight of a woman's bits is what gets men really going. If he doesn't kiss you and doesn't have vaginal sex then is he avoiding actually having to look at you? If its anal sex then he surely must have gay tendencies

Mustnt he?

Suckitup- it's mostly manual stimulation, some oral. After there's often some cuddling.

Sorry I guess I was off with my bad guess.
Is the oral etc mutual? Just trying to understand .

Yes- mutual