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Relationships

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Original poster

How to tell if a bloke you start dating is only in for sex?

61 replies

gottafindaman4yagirl · 14/10/2014 20:25

Ok...Started dating a guy I met on Pof and have had five dates and dtd on third date. He seems to be into me and there's physical chemistry but I am looking for a relationship and worried he just wants sex. He's younger by 9 yrs but mature and eager to spend time with me, holds my hand and compliments me. This is the first new relationship in over a year since my split and I could end up being used or just get it wrong.
He wants to meet up tomorrow and I suggested a bar in town but he wants to come to my house, he's stayed over twice before. I want to get intimate but also would like a relationship that's more than lust.

Any experience with men and how they act towards you when only after using you for sex?
I might sound stupid but spend most of my adult life in a relationship and have already met some users.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/10/2014 20:28

You can only judge him by the way he behaves and what he says. There's no formula really. If he seems to find you interesting as a person and wants to spend time with you doing things other than sex, that would probably be a good start.

AnyFucker · 14/10/2014 20:29

ask him ?

Branleuse · 14/10/2014 20:33

do you do other stuff except sex?

I think him suggesting coming straight to yours probably means hes mostly into the sex at the moment, but in all honesty, how is he going to know what he wants at this stage either, and how do you know you want a relationship with him after only a few dates? You need to see how you get on over time surely?

stargirl04 · 14/10/2014 20:35

Ah, so you DTD already.... pity. As holding off for a bit is the best way (IME) to sort the wheat from the chaff. Difficult to do though when you're really attracted to them....

Also, five dates is not a relationship - this is for your benefit too, not just his, so you can take your time deciding whether he's right for you.

Him wanting to come round to your place rather than go for a night out doesn't sound too promising, tbh, but on the other hand he might be skint and not in a position to spend money by going out drinking.

So... I'd just be a bit less available and I'd keep my options open on the dating site....

Panad · 14/10/2014 20:40

I agree stargirl.

Botanicbaby · 14/10/2014 20:43

When its early days and you're both still getting to know each other, its lovely to go out and do things together. Plenty of time further down the line to spend the night at each other's house.

Am wondering if you've stayed at his yet? Perhaps yours is more comfortable?

Anyway, what I'm saying is I'd rather be getting dressed up and ready to go out to a bar than sit in my own house for a 'date'. If he lives really far away from you or is skint, then that's a different issue. It would totally put me off him if I thought it was only about him getting a shag out of me.

Vivacia · 14/10/2014 20:43

This is my take on it. You can't prevent a man from only going out with you until you have sex. However, it's less likely to happen if you don't have sex on the third date. A user is less likely to play the long game.

I don't like the attitude of women as the "withholder of sex" and I'm not saying you shouldn't have sex on the third date. I'm saying that you can reduce the risk of being/feeling used.

Original poster

gottafindaman4yagirl · 14/10/2014 20:46

I just feel I have been well out of the dating game that my judgement is off and I would rather not get emotionally involved if I'm just being used. Was messed around emotionally by ex hub and had to numb ny emotions to deal with it. Will see how it goes tomorrow and I think I am to blame if he's eager for sex because I have probably put that signal out plus he's a younger man and sex probably never far from his thoughts.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 14/10/2014 20:51

I don't think his age has much to do with it. And having lots of early sex is not a signal that the relationship doesn't have potential. Put this worry to the side and enjoy your time with him and enjoy these heady, early days.

SoftlySpoken502013 · 14/10/2014 20:52

Hi. Just needed to put over a man's perspective. I met my current partner on Match last March. To be honest it was sex sex sex from the start and it hasn't really stopped. However, in all of that sex I fancied her to bits and wanted to learn more about her each and every day we met up. Sometimes we stopped at a hotel etc and then after 10 weeks I asked her if we could go back to her house. It was just the same at her house i.e. sex sex sex. Although her son lives at home so there was some barriers in the house environment. All said and done I wanted to learn about her and she intrigued me all the time. By the way she never went 3 dates so well done you. I could have questioned that fact but tbh at 47 who gives a t*ss. Still together now and still finding out about each other and its still exciting!!! Wow Go for it but make sure he talks to you before, during and after sex. Hope that helps but from a man I am not sure it will! Either way good luck.

Original poster

gottafindaman4yagirl · 14/10/2014 20:54

Thankyou all Stargirl He's working late and I only have a few hours to spare due to kids so it was a quick drink in high st, my suggestion, and he does seem comfortable at my home. He did ask me to go on a double date with another couple at weekend which I thought was quite soon.

Had a bad experience with dtd too soon and feel confused about how to play things, I did feel angry with myself for dtd on third date. Suppose I feel I have f up again.

OP posts:

LividofLondon · 14/10/2014 20:54

Agree with Cogito and Branleuse.
In my experience there isn't a formula, and it's hard to tell anyway. It's made absolutely no difference how quickly I've had sex with them whether things have worked out or not, so don't feel bad about shagging already. Have you asked him what he was looking for on POF? He might say his goal is to find someone to eventually settle down with or he might say he's looking for casual dating and has no intention of settling. Or he could just do what many do and simply tell you what he thinks you want to hear. Actions speak louder than words is my motto.

I'd suggest asking him, but guard your emotions until he's proven he likes to be around you even if you don't have sex. To me that's the litmus test.

Original poster

gottafindaman4yagirl · 14/10/2014 21:00

Softly Very grateful for a mans opinion and I think I'm just over thinking things and feel a bit of guilt over being so sexual but I fancy him alot and he treats me better than ex did.

Vivacia I will try and just go with it and learn to enjoy it, I'm 33 and last time I acted like this i was 18 and probably had less hang ups.

OP posts:

SmatteringOfPatois · 14/10/2014 21:13

on date 3 out of five you had sex with him, what happened on the other two dates?

You suggested going out, he wants to come to yours.it's not all about him.

Botanicbaby · 14/10/2014 21:15

oh my gosh OP you're 33 you're still so young, enjoy don't over think it and see where it goes. please don't feel bad about DTD whenever you decided to do it was right for you and that is all that matters!

you will soon find out if he is only after one thing all the time or not, if he tries to get to know you as a person and enjoys spending time with you.

Vivacia · 14/10/2014 21:19

Hang on. You have children and have had this man back to your house? I think that's a bit more risky than the sex to be honest.

SoftlySpoken502013 · 14/10/2014 21:24

No worries yagirl. Personally, I think good women worry too much about being so sexual on a first date or 3rd etc. Men don't so why should women worry! I know there are some reasons why women worry about being sexual but if you fancy someone and think it might go further then why not. My style on Match: Chatted on line with her, got her number, texted her, and then one day I thought this is boring so I rang her and we spoke over the next couple of weeks on the phone before we met. I am not saying this would suit everyone but I think it proved to her that I was not just after sex and was interested in talking to her. Sex wasn't great for me on the 1st date due to my religious beliefs i.e. opposite to the catholics. However, thereafter it was fantastic. I guess what I am saying is you have to fancy each other like mad and also get on like a house on fire (even when shopping, eating, watchin telly etc.) I think the other posts on here are all good advice! Good luck.

SmatteringOfPatois · 14/10/2014 21:26

just re-read thread -

"I just feel I have been well out of the dating game that my judgement is off"

"and he does seem comfortable at my home"

red flags

stargirl04 · 14/10/2014 21:31

OP, doesn't sound at all as if you f*d up. If he asked you on a double date I'd say that's a pretty good sign.

stargirl04 · 14/10/2014 21:40

What I would be wary of, though, is jumping in too quickly, emotionally, or allowing him to get his feet under the table too soon, so to speak.

I became caught up in a whirlwind romance many moons ago with a man who proposed to me after four months.

A friend said: "Why the rush? I sell Bentleys [cars] and serious customers take their time over such an expensive purchase. The ones who rush in and want it straight away... it usually turns out they haven't got the finance... "

As it turned out - he was right! My whirlwind romance man was, when it came to affairs of the heart - just a dodgy used car salesman....

stargirl04 · 14/10/2014 21:41

Metaphorically speaking, that is....

Original poster

gottafindaman4yagirl · 14/10/2014 21:53

Feel better having read all posts, vivacia My children stay with my ex all weekend and mid week day/evening so non the wiser and I would have to be very serious and sure before I introduced another man.

I am just getting used to dating and building my confidence as a single woman and single mum. Its so helpful to get others prospective.

Smattering First date was a kiss and I went home alone, been on a woodland walk and a day out. He flat shares do I have not been to his place.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 14/10/2014 21:57

I didn't think for a second they'd be in the house I'd just be very wary about letting a man I'd only met three times come in to our home I think. Perhaps I'd let him pick me up at the front door, but that'd be it.

Original poster

gottafindaman4yagirl · 14/10/2014 22:03

vibacia I probably have been too trusting but always keep my sister in the loop and check in with a text.

He always asks me to spend time with him and meeting his friends I slightly daunting because of the age gap, Not even sure how my ex would react but I don't feel I need to inform him of my love life.

OP posts:

alicemalice · 14/10/2014 22:06

Softly I don't want to pick on you but this is a pretty sexist thing to say:

'By the way she never went 3 dates so well done you. I could have questioned that fact but tbh at 47 who gives a t*ss.'

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