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Original poster

How to tell if a bloke you start dating is only in for sex?

61 replies

gottafindaman4yagirl · 14/10/2014 20:25

Ok...Started dating a guy I met on Pof and have had five dates and dtd on third date. He seems to be into me and there's physical chemistry but I am looking for a relationship and worried he just wants sex. He's younger by 9 yrs but mature and eager to spend time with me, holds my hand and compliments me. This is the first new relationship in over a year since my split and I could end up being used or just get it wrong.
He wants to meet up tomorrow and I suggested a bar in town but he wants to come to my house, he's stayed over twice before. I want to get intimate but also would like a relationship that's more than lust.

Any experience with men and how they act towards you when only after using you for sex?
I might sound stupid but spend most of my adult life in a relationship and have already met some users.

OP posts:
Panad · 14/10/2014 22:42

You really need to go and check that he lives where and with whom he says he does Op. It's necessary to make sure he is who he says he is.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/10/2014 07:56

The 'flat share' stuck out for me too... Have you been to his place, even if it's just to pick him up or drop him off? OD is full of people pretending to be single.

yummypickledeggs · 15/10/2014 08:33

He's 24 or 25? Hmm
If you were 45 and he was 9 years younger, fair enough but a man of 24 is quite young.

Nothing wrong with that but many 24 yr old men are not looking for a serious relationship. My son's older than that and none of his friends had serious GFs at that age except those who'd met them at uni and stuck together.

How do you feel about him? Is the age gap obvious? Do you like the same things? Do you have anything in common except going out for a drink and having sex?

I may be way off the mark here BUT a 24 yr old male on POF raises a red flag for me anyway. POF has a 'reputation' and most 24 yr olds have a social life where they can meet people if they have interests and make an effort.
Being on a free dating site at 24 for hook ups strikes me as a quick and easy way to meet women for sex.

Original poster
gottafindaman4yagirl · 17/10/2014 10:48

yummy Thanks for your helpful view. I have niggling doubts regarding how its unfolding. He came over wed night and we dtd, he had to rush off due to my kids due home. I kind of felt empty, I'm use to having a sexual relationship with long-term partner. He mentioned when leaving coming over Sat to watch a movie, and the pattern begins...comes over to watch TV and conversation...kiss...upstairs. I don't want this and want to get to know each other and see if there is a deeper connection because I can't personally do sex like its a porn movie.
He seems a mature 24 and says he sick of immature girls who play games. He is renting a room because he left his parent home for work up north.
I can see he is already making less effort and just wants to come to my home instead of dinner or cinema.
I think I should insist on meeting in pub and tell him that although I like him I would rather look for a relationship with a emotional connection before sex. I should of waited before DTD so he's not to blame if he wants sex when he sees me.
But a few things in bed and out make me question what I'm doing.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 17/10/2014 10:56

Would it be helpful to talk them out?

Vivacia · 17/10/2014 10:57

I suppose I'm worried about the "having sex like its a porn movie" comment. Do you mean the lack of a plot(!) or the actual sex?

kentishgirl · 17/10/2014 10:58

What things in bed? (not being nosy, but it's an unusual thing to say).

Otherwise, I don't think that men who are just after sex and nothing else bother going on woodland walks and days out, or want you to meet their friends.

It doesn't mean he's looking for the love of his life to settle down with forever, either. There is a big difference between what you want on the whole at 24 and 33. If he is looking for a nice but fun girlfriend to do stuff with for a couple of years, and you are looking to find a husband and start a family, then you will end up getting hurt, even though there's nothing wrong with his position. I'd say you need to have a chat about expectations in general, why you are dating in general (without making it too much about you and him, which creates a temptation for them to tell you what you want, as it's difficult to do otherwise) and where you are in life, pretty quickly.

Original poster
gottafindaman4yagirl · 17/10/2014 11:03

vivacia If he wants to hang out this weekend and suggest my home I will suggest meeting up town. I will explain what I'm looking for which at my age is a relationship and not casual hook up. But I think with his sparse text. Saturday might not happen.

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 17/10/2014 11:10

What kent said. He's not necessarily only in it for the sex but it doesn't sound like he wants the same as you either. You'll have to speak to him. Also wondering what the porn comment means...

I'm a bit thrown by that "bored of immature 24 year olds" comment, too. Feels a bit false flattery/"women my age don't get me". Unless he's been meeting women exclusively in clubs and pubs, in which case maybe he's telling the truth. I'm 23 and most of my female friends are in long term relationships. A fair few are married with kids. I don't know why I'm saying this, you know what you were like when you were 24.
My 24 year old male friends, on the other hand...

Original poster
gottafindaman4yagirl · 17/10/2014 11:14

Kent In bed its like he's doing what he's seen in porn and I would have to approach this, its just more rough Than I'm use to.

I just think I would like to get to know him better and slow down on the sex, I do fancy him but my head tells me that I need to have more of a emotional connection with a man not just sex.

It is bothering me and I was single a year before this man, maybe I am just.out of practice with dating.

At 24 I had two kids under 4 so I was very grown up. I did ask him how he's mum would feel about him hanging around with a older woman and he's not bothered, wants a woman who is not mental.

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 17/10/2014 11:15

Cross posted just saw the sparse text comment. Hmm!

Panad · 17/10/2014 11:27

You need to slow things right down in my opinion. Go back to dating as this has all gone a bit downhill. He is not trying very hard to "court" you. There is an old fashioned word. I don't mean that he should be wanting to marry you or anything but a man who wants to impress you and wants a relationship with you treats you like you are special. Makes plans to take you to nice places etc. If you make it all too easy then they tend to not bother and it could just cause him to lose interest. If you give him everything straight away then what is there left to aim for. You don't want to be taken for granted so he has to work harder than this in the beginning as you are worth more.

I think you need to see where he lives and actually go into his room just to know that he is telling the truth and I think you should go and meet these friends to see if they are real and not just him trying to lull you into a false sense of security about who he is.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 17/10/2014 11:35

I don't really get why you want a relationship with a very young man who lives in 'a room' who has sex in a rough, porny way, and who doesn't want to go out anywhere.

Why set the bar so low?

Original poster
gottafindaman4yagirl · 17/10/2014 11:36

panad What you wrote makes sense and what I sort of know deep down. I will explain to him that its moved too fast for me and I think we need to see each other outside the bedroom more. He was holding my hand on second date and helped me carry my shopping and planned a day trip so now he just wants to hang at my home after work Saturday. I will suggest a pub meet up and talk.
I know I have handled the situation wrong and set the scene all wrong.
So really it is best to make a man wait because it does seem to make a difference regardless of our modern society. I think courting is the way.

OP posts:
Original poster
gottafindaman4yagirl · 17/10/2014 11:39

john When you put it like that.

OP posts:
RandomFriend · 17/10/2014 11:56

In bed its like he's doing what he's seen in porn and I would have to approach this, its just more rough than I'm use to

the pattern begins...comes over to watch TV and conversation...kiss...upstairs. I don't want this

Listen to what you are saying.

If you spend a lot of time at home with your children, then when it comes to dating and romance, it is normal that you would rather be out and about, rather than at home having sex that is not even to your taste.

You cannot tell if he is only in it for sex, but work out what you want from the dates, and see if you can get that. Maybe you could choose activities that you would actually like to do, rather than starting the evening by watching TV.

Vivacia · 17/10/2014 11:57

It sounds like you're just incompatible. I find myself wondering why you want to ever see him again (other than sunk costs).

newstart15 · 17/10/2014 12:13

John summed it up brilliantly..I think you are adjusting to being back dating and as this guy 'doesn't seem so bad' (carried my shopping, held my hand) you should try to make it work..No.

This isn't right for you, you are not comfortable,you don't need to justify.Listen to your gut feelings they are trying to tell you.When I met my husband we had lots of sex but not once did I feel it was just sex, he wanted to spend time getting to know me, taking me out.Its the lovely phase of a relationship and you're not having that. Dont settle.

I would also agree with the pof comments..24 and on a dating site, got to ask why ? I wonder if he finds pof much easier to meet women as its less effort

newstart15 · 17/10/2014 12:14

A breakup from a long term relationship is like a bereavement and takes between 2-4 years to heal..you dont need to rush this.Date and dump if the guy isn't right.

Original poster
gottafindaman4yagirl · 17/10/2014 12:24

Thanks all for advice, going to give it a good think. My last relationship was 12 years so I'm just starting dating and need to think it through and maybe start as I mean to go on. I put up with a my old relationship years longer than I should of.
Random What you said rings very true for me.
vivacia Would of liked to get to know him more and see if we are incompatible but I think if it was all good then I should be dizzy with happiness and not all stressing and questioning the situation. Think I am at odds with my inner voice and not trusting my instincts. That's why its been helpful to get outsiders opinions.
Think I dread being alone and might be settling due to this.

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 17/10/2014 12:32

Wants a woman who "isn't mental". I think he's the immature one...

Get rid. Especially in combination with the porny stuff (fine if you've discussed that's how you like to have sex but I'm assuming not!).

This early on like you say you should be fighting to keep cool because he seems perfect (cue MN saying take it slow, he's on his best behaviour). If there are already problems (and I dont think it's just you picking at them) then cut your losses.

RandomFriend · 17/10/2014 12:48

he's not to blame if he wants sex when he sees me

Just because you consented to DTD on one (or even several) occasions, doesn't mean you have consented to sex every time you meet him. Does he get this?

ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA · 17/10/2014 13:11

Wow i am well amazed how many women let someone in their home so soon. Maybe i am just too reserved even if was single.

MrsEames · 17/10/2014 13:21

You don't sound happy to me. You aren't getting what you want from this 'relationship' (company, nights out) and all you have done is question both his and your actions.

What is the point?

Break it off, start again with someone who is more compatible with what you want.

SoleSource · 17/10/2014 13:21

I think he isn't for you and just wants sex. Set your standards higher.