Beaches will definitely do my best. Must confess, after coming home quite sober today from day out have finished a glass of wine left in a bottle in the kitchen and had a shot or two of vodka. Why? Because wankbadger husband is really getting me down. Went to put his car away and came in and shouted at me because my new car is parked a little left of centre in the garage (it is so much bigger than my old car and am still getting used to parking it, but I will get there). He actually said, "if you want to have that fucking car then learn to fucking park it". Or rather shouted this, in front of ds. Then he shouted at both of us for watching 8 out of 10 cats and called us 'morons',then slammed the door and stormed off. DS is 14 and very intelligent. He ignores wb when he's like this, but I still feel bad that he has to have this as an example of a normal family relationship when it clearly isn't.
Am in bed now on the laptop. he has gone to sleep downstairs as usual. Said 'goodnight' to both the kids separately. Ds said 'aren't you going to say goodnight to mum?' He didn't. Makes me sad that ds cares though, as I don't, just feel bad for the kids. I have not said or done anything wrong tonight. But that isn't the point. Just me existing winds wb up. Though if I didn't the twunt would be homeless and penniless (and knowing that makes him resent me even more).
Ma glad you are joining us too. Will have nothing open in the house booze-wise tomorrow so will be easier to stop. Feel I need a clear head. I have been married for 19 years, and tbh hardly any of them happy. I am too cowardly to break away, especially as I feel the unwaged bastard will take me for all he can get. And it is my house and I don't think he will move out. And dd is at the age where she blames me for everything. She would rather I put up with the misery of an unhappy marriage than cause her upheaval with divorce, but what is this teaching her about marriages, and how partners should treat each other?? And I might lose my job soon (though financially if he pissed off that would be better - at least I would get money off the council tax!)
We kind of stagger along as a job-share looking after the kids when I'm in work. But when I am off work, I feel so trapped and fed up. It was easier when the kids were younger as I was always out with them and friends, but now they are older and don't want mum tagging along, if I go out it is to do something 'adult' with my own friends like go for lunch or a drink and that breeds resentment.
Went to a Halloween party last night with some friends I have known for 11 years, since ds was 3 (he is best mates with their middle son). Everyone else was there with husband and kids. I was just there with kids. Said wb was working (at his unpaid vocational 'job') but he just didn't want to go. He picked me up and on the way home was slagging them all off. They are perfectly lovely people. He doesn't get that if he hates all my friends, that is more likely to indicate a problem with him than with the dozens and dozens of people he calls 'arseholes'.
His sister offered to pay for us to go out for a meal on our wedding anniversary 2 months ago. Still not been. I have asked him 5 times, he just doesn't want to go.
Have suggested family days out all week. No. Asked if he wanted to come to local comedy festival. His response? 'I hate comedy'. Seriously, it would be funny if it were someone I wasn't stuck with. Who hates laughing, ffs?????
He also makes a point of hating every comedy or drama series me and the kids like, so if we watch tv as a family we have to watch the two or three things he likes. Otherwise we get the 'moron' comments like tonight.
I think one of the reasons I am scared to stop drinking is that if I took an honest look at my life, unblurred by booze, I would have to make the decision to change it. And the upheaval would be awful. And I hate confrontation. I am one of those sorts that wants everyone to like me. I nod along to things I don't agree with to avoid unpleasantness, and I also lie about my marriage as don't want people to think I am a failure because my husband doesn't like me. I am pathetic. You are the only people I am honest with.
But I am 47. He is 9 years older. And the kids are 7 years away from both leaving home. And I cannot think of anything worse than growing old with that miserable bastard, especially as given his diet, smoking and temper, he is a prime stroke / heart attack candidate, and I do not like him enough to be a carer. I would end up smothering the bastard
Am not kidding myself I will meet anyone else at my age. And my family are mostly dead or distant. So it will be a decision to be on my own (with lots of enemies from his family). But I can't go on like this much longer.
Sorry for long self indulgent post. But have been out all afternoon, dreading going home. And two of the women I was with were divorced today (the other two happily married). And I just thought that I bet their partners weren't even as shit as mine, yet they still split up.
Help!
