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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just married..issues

86 replies

pnutter · 12/10/2014 23:25

Hi
massively long story cut v short
married for 3 months
My kids tolerate but don't seem to like my husband. We had a brief engagement.

My husband is turning out to be rather self centred. I feel pretty much like a hand maiden all of a sudden.
Do you keep going..work through the cycles (I've been married before)
Or cut your losses (yes it's a possible 3 months in not good I know) and up heave the kids again ??

OP posts:
milkwasabadchoice · 14/10/2014 23:20

Those are awful things he said to you. Definitely get him out as soon as you can. It doesn't sound at all like a healthy relationship, and doesn't sound like it's ever going to be good for you, whether you are high or low, well or ill.

StripyBanana · 14/10/2014 23:25

You need to get out, you also need some real life support.

pnutter · 14/10/2014 23:29

I wish I had some support in rl.. its really a nightmare doctor wise..still waiting after 3 weeks for a referral to psychiatrist. Gp just increases meds which just makes me feel physically ill to add to my woes

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pnutter · 14/10/2014 23:36

Sorry. Parents in 80s and 300 miles away. Don't have many friends wise anymore

OP posts:
StripyBanana · 14/10/2014 23:39

Do you have a mental health support worker of any description? Access to a crisis phone line or appointments?

pnutter · 14/10/2014 23:47

No nothing. .my last crisis (suicidal) took me 7 hours to get help and that meant screaming at the gp receptionist.

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pnutter · 14/10/2014 23:48

I think maybe because I've managed somehow to keep a job for 12 years they think I'm ok

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pnutter · 14/10/2014 23:49

I've been ill for over 25 years..hospitalised at 19 . It's sad how there is no support.

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tipsytrifle · 14/10/2014 23:51

I know nothing about bi-polar, pnut, but you sound absolutely lovely. My intuition is howling that you are indeed more unwell because of this marriage.

I really think he is a controller and that you'd be better to keep your house, keep your job (independence is awesome) remove him as a mistake. You're strong but I really, really think marrying him was a mistake and he will destabilise you constantly and even worse, deliberately. Which makes him an abuser, in my view.

pnutter · 15/10/2014 07:28

Thanks tipsy..he got up without talking to me this morning and left.
My daughter is excited because we are going to see her big brother after school (at uni) and we will be here alone tonight as my husband has gone on a work overnighter. She wants a midnight feast!
Today I have to keep things calm , not rise to his inevitable guilt trip messages (how it was my fault he shouted and called me names ) I need some money from him or I'm stuck.
He said he's coming back to pick up a bag before he goes later this morning so I will make sure I'm out if I can although he won't tell me the time so he can 'catch me out' shagging the postman milkman etc..
i love my little house ..just thinking it'd be nice to have it back..he's taken that over too

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pnutter · 15/10/2014 07:34

Sad just thought..The aftermath..people might not understand and may blame me
My son might never forgive me anyway

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Penfold007 · 15/10/2014 07:45

Just a thought but why not be completely honest with your son? Admit you've made a mistake but are trying to get out of the relationship.

I wish you lots of luck x

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 15/10/2014 07:54

pnutter you do need to have an honest discussion with your son. I hope he will understand and he may be able to help you. I agree with the PP that you may be able to get the marriage annulled. Legally you have to be of sound mind and if you feel you were not, that may be the route to go, Investigate that perhaps?
You do sound like you are being abused and it can be a downward spiral as standing up to him from a lowered position may not work. Get a bit of space so you can 'get your house back' and see how you feel then. If you feel more in control, brighter and more ventilated in your mind. That is your answer. Don't worry about who will blame you etc. This is your life, no-one elses. I wish you strength. Flowers

pnutter · 15/10/2014 07:54

Thank you Penfold I will do that.

Not trying for sympathy but bi polar is really a nightmare to explain to people.
It is hard to understand my own actions let alone explain them
Just to see my d's will be great though

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pnutter · 15/10/2014 07:55

Thanks dinnae x

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confusedNC · 15/10/2014 07:59

Pnutter... Your son loves you. He's grown up knowing your ups and downs which won't have been easy but the fact he's upset about the marriage says to me he's concerned for you.

I agree this man doesn't sound good. Nobody should ever call you those names. Least of all your new husband. Thanks

Be honest with your son. Try and talk to someone even if it's women's aid.

I've known a couple of people with bipolar. It's a cruel illness. The friend I had didn't get diagnosed till her 30s and she was doing a degree. She was very attractive and fun but then sometimes very argumentative and difficult. I always knew there was something going on and she told me a year later that at the worst times she wash hearing voices. None of her friends knew. She was so good at coping.

You must forgive yourself for bad decisions. It's not your fault. Hope you can get some help and get this man out. Talk to womens aid perhaps?

kaykayblue · 15/10/2014 08:38

Hi OP - I really hope that you have the strength to see this through, as your partner sounds like a horrible, vicious, spiteful, controlling twat of a man. I don't know much about bi polar (my grandfather had it, but it was just known as "mood swings" then, lol), but I can't believe for a second that your life wouldn't improve if you get rid of this man.

No wonder you are feeling anxious with someone like that in your life. Don't worry about what other people say - if you can get the marriage annulled then it would be a much quicker (and I presume cheaper) route than divorce. If people ask, you can just say "we rushed into it, and it turned out to be a mistake". But you're not obliged to explain yourself to random strangers :-)

I don't know if this is helpful to you, but I found this online - it might be worth asking a solicitor whether you could annul the marriage on these grounds:

"Grounds on which a marriage is voidable.
A marriage celebrated after 31st July 1971 shall be voidable on
the following grounds only, that is to say:

d) that at the time of the marriage either party, though
capable of giving a valid consent, was suffering (whether
continuously or intermittently) from mental disorder
within the meaning of the Mental Health Act 1983 of such
a kind or to such an extent as to be unfitted for marriage;

kaykayblue · 15/10/2014 08:39

By the way, is there any previous examples of your partner owing you money and actually paying you back for it? I would be very wary of holding off until he gives you that money back. He might just say "we're married so it's family money".

I would advise you to cut your losses - make a half hour appointment with a solicitor as soon as possible, ask about the annulment, and practical issues, such as how can you get him out of the house, etc.

Good luck.

pnutter · 15/10/2014 09:00

It's my (rented house) so I don't think that's an issue
thank you for all that info! I really appreciate you searching that lot out
he's text me to say he's paid in most of the money
it's something..Not enough to live on. He said sorry for being so angry last night and that it's now out of his system and he's calm and do I have a problem with him
I kept it short said thand for the money and I'm fine but late must go on school run.
Once he's safely on motorway I think I'll feel better. I need to get all my photos of my kids off he's pc..he put them all on there off my mobile. I'm not sure how to do this.

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pnutter · 15/10/2014 11:51

He's gone..he will be back tomorrow. Where to start? Pack his stuff or get out and leave him a note to clear out ..I could stay at a friends til the weekend? Feel so vulnerable

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tipsytrifle · 15/10/2014 12:59

If he isn't on the tenancy I'd seriously think about ending it via phone through the course of today BUT get locks changed NOW.

I've heard folk can do it themselves after a quick trip to b&q. You could then be away, having left his stuff outside the door. Or you could be in with hand on phone for police if he kicks off. I wouldn't let him back in at all. You do not have to say or justify any of your actions to him. He already knows that something is up big time, you have changed. That's why he asked if you had a problem with him. This makes him dangerous, though to what degree I couldn't say.

I don't think you'll get any more money off him and if you have most of what was due, I'd call it a day at that. Is the a/c yours alone or joint? If it's joint that needs changing NOW - new a/c just in your name and every penny transferred in then joint a/c frozen.

Get the photos off the pc through today/this eve. Others can give you a quick lesson in saving them to disc or emailing the lot and then deleting.

Talk with dc, honest and upfront that you made a mistake. I think son already knows it's a mistake.

I'm rubbish at planning - perhaps someone else could do a list in proper order?

You're amazing pnut!

pnutter · 15/10/2014 13:13

I think I'm downloading the pics to a disk!
He came back moaned at me for not having his favourite t shirt ready and left.
I know it's the right thing to do because although I'm scared and anxious I feel a massive relief that he's gone far away.

I'm out with the kids tonight but im expecting 4 million nasty texts tonight as he's in a hotel with a free bar!
Phone will be switched off .
I'm going to ask my friend if I can stay there or she can come here over the weekend.

Part of me thinks he will accept it
part of me thinks he will go mad
he once said he'd cut my throat if I ever found anyone else (which I haven't but presumably it covers me breaking us up)
When he came back today I thought yuk when I looked at him. His personality is pretty ugly. He once had a go at me for helping a lady with 4 kids one in a wheelchair and a dog, to get up a hill!

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 15/10/2014 13:19

Excellent about putting the pcs onto disc. That sounds exactly what you should do! Brilliant idea about having a friend with you. Yes, I too feel you are doing totally the right thing. Not even sure if you can go for an annulment type thing after so short a marriage? Or is that from the middle ages? (I was never married)

He came back to try and catch you out. Do you know I had a feeling he might do just that?

Are you going to end it through today?

Has he got anyone else who could collect his stuff?

confusedNC · 15/10/2014 13:31

Haven't got long but keep going. Change those locks. Get that help. Ring your friend right now. But be safe. Wishing you strength Xx

pnutter · 15/10/2014 13:55

Im going to try do it today as tomorrow will be too late he will be back after a seminar.

Too late to change locks as got to get dd and train to ds.

I have a neighbour I can go to too if needed x

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