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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just married..issues

86 replies

pnutter · 12/10/2014 23:25

Hi
massively long story cut v short
married for 3 months
My kids tolerate but don't seem to like my husband. We had a brief engagement.

My husband is turning out to be rather self centred. I feel pretty much like a hand maiden all of a sudden.
Do you keep going..work through the cycles (I've been married before)
Or cut your losses (yes it's a possible 3 months in not good I know) and up heave the kids again ??

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/10/2014 07:56

I don't think, three months into a marriage, you should be thinking in terms of keeping going and working through the cycles. Maybe if you'd been together for 20 years... not as newlyweds. If you're unwell, please contact your medical team and tell them that you're not coping. If your illness is under control, judge the relationship on face value, talk to your husband about what you need from him and tell him why taking you for granted or treating you as a servant is totally unacceptable.

Original poster
pnutter · 13/10/2014 08:17

Thanks I'm not sure if I'm unwell and or feeling controlled and criticised. I have told him and he has for the first time in 6 months encouraged me to have a friend around. I don't know why I let him talk to me like dirt and boss me about. I wouldn't let anyone else. I think my health issues are worse because of this.
I have bad anxiety

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 13/10/2014 08:18

Don't quit your job. It sounds like he is making you unwell. What was he thinking, marrying you so fast? Can you ask him to move out for a while until you get some proper RL support with your BPD?

Original poster
pnutter · 13/10/2014 08:22

How do I get him out my house? He has a work conference this week for a night so maybe I can use that as a 'I realise I need a break'

OP posts:
Polonium · 13/10/2014 08:25

Morning. Hope you're u got some sleep.

Where did he live before he moved into your house?

Quitelikely · 13/10/2014 08:30

OP I really think this man is excerbating your mental health problems.

You got married very quickly and you said yourself you were on a high. Does that mean you wouldn't have done it otherwise? If yes then you might want to see a lawyer to see if you can get this marriage annulled on the grounds that your illness affected your decision making process.

Now I'm not certain of the law in getting marriages annulled but one does exist and your circumstances might fall under the criteria.

We all make mistakes in life and what suits one person doesn't always suit another.

If you didn't want to break up with your dh completely how about living apart for a while so that you can get your head clear?

Don't despair, there are always options in life, in the short term focus upon your mental health and getting that right, then once you are feeling well again then look at other issues.

Good luck

Original poster
pnutter · 13/10/2014 09:39

The difficulty with bipolar is..now I'm 'down' will ending or separating the relationship be attributed to this ..or is my mood in fact making me feel like ending it?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/10/2014 10:02

No-one can know the answers to those questions. Starting or finishing a relationship is a very personal and individual decision for anyone, whatever their mental health status.

What I would say, however, is that there is no excuse for someone bossing you around or treating you like a servant. Whether you're up or down, you should be treated with kindness and respect.

Original poster
pnutter · 13/10/2014 13:35

Scared of making the decision.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/10/2014 13:36

More scared than of the status quo?

Quitelikely · 13/10/2014 13:38

OP if nothing changes. Nothing changes.

Even if it was your disorder causing this then he would respect your need for time and space. Well he would if he's a decent person........

StripyBanana · 13/10/2014 13:43

Oh I feel for you.

My mum is bipolar and every time she wassectioned she came out "engaged" to someone iin there. To be honest every time she's high she chooses unsuitable partners and then regrets it when she's stable. Were you very high? Another way of looking at it is asking what sort of man marries someone obviously high, 5 months after being together.....

Original poster
pnutter · 13/10/2014 13:43

Thanks..Yes. .he's quite difficult to talk to these days but I do need to talk to him. .anyway it must be obvious that I'm not coping well and I'm anxious . He is a very strong personality

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/10/2014 14:01

What does 'strong personality' look like in reality? You've used words like 'bossy' and 'self-centred' already.

Original poster
pnutter · 13/10/2014 14:16

He's quite critical, very critical. I have told him this stops me being able to feel ok to talk to him and he did apologise.
He's pretty self centred.
Reacts quickly and angrily to things.

He's pretty untrusting and thinks I'm lying all the time

OP posts:
Bluebelle38 · 13/10/2014 14:31

Oh sweetheart, this is not a healthy relationship. You say you love him. What exactly do you love?

Original poster
pnutter · 13/10/2014 14:38

I think it's just a magnetic thing .. i think he fans the flames of my highs. We had a crazy funny manic first 3 months and it then started to turn to rows and pressure..I found it hard to say no to his moving in and we did have good times too obviously. Sorry it's a huge mess ..need a sleep

OP posts:
Original poster
pnutter · 13/10/2014 14:43

He made me throw out all my clothes because they were too revealing (a symptom I guess of my high)

I think i will talk to someone in rl

OP posts:
Polonium · 13/10/2014 16:59

pnutter - Hm He sounds controlling. Please talk to someone in real life. X

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/10/2014 17:15

Yes, that's not a 'strong personality', it's more like a controlling bullying personality. You do need to talk to someone IRL because being with this person will not be good for you whatever stage of your condition you happen to be in. Even if you had A1 normal mental health, someone like this would cause you a lot of pain.

Original poster
pnutter · 14/10/2014 22:47

I've had some great advice thank you. Where I'm at now is him coming home telling me I must be nice..And when I was he shouted and criticised me all night..
he goes away tomorrow ..He owes me 500 without which we won't eat. My plan is to keep quiet (he's pissed and gone to bed) until the money hits my account. He's been here 6 months and paid next to nothing although I'm part time and rent alone is 900. Is this a ok plan? Or just lose the money ..I wouldneed to know how to get food etc
he's away til Thursday evening so I have time sort if to get stuff sorted ish. The things he's said tonight just made me hate him. Married just over a month. Christ

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Original poster
pnutter · 14/10/2014 22:49

He's called me a nasty cunt a bitch a fucking waste of space ..The list goes on

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Original poster
pnutter · 14/10/2014 22:53

I feel a bit stronger today . Like I can do things on my own. I need some back up though

OP posts:
Original poster
pnutter · 14/10/2014 22:56

I spent hours tonight trying to explain my self and that I wanted to get on..He slammed doors swore and made me feel like crap. So I must do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
pnutter · 14/10/2014 22:58

I'm happy because I am going to see my son tomorrow who hasn't spoke to me much since I was married . I can't wait to see him. I miss him so much

OP posts: