Work relationship nightmare

[Karmaone]

Looking for some other perspectives here please as I've lost sight of what's what.

I'm in a full time job and work closely with a certain colleague and I'm now struggling to do my job properly. It's been going on for years now but coming to a head this week. Every morning this week I've been in tears and had to go off and compose myself.

She is mega controlling and thinks she's in charge when she isn't. She gets involved in my job and has ramped up the control massively recently. She often takes over what I'm in the middle of. Laughs at me a lot and I end up feeling very small and unimportant. Our boss is great and she is aware of some of the issues but I feel invisible as this colleague is everyone's go to. I have been excluded from her group for years for reasons I don't understand. The problem is that I'm not confident anyway and this is deeply affecting my ability to do my job. She undermines me in so many ways including directly telling me how much better and quicker she is in doing what I do. We do have very different styles. I've been stuttering and unable to talk properly this week and I've been dreading going back on Monday. I just can't face it anymore I love my job and don't want to leave but I don't see an alternative at the moment.

Does anyone have any advice?

If you belive you're being actively bullied and ostracised then take it up with your boss as a serious complaint. It's affecting your ability to do your job which means the company is losing your contribution. A decent manager should intervene. However, at the same time you have to find some confidence and be more assertive, Bullies will often back down if challenged. If they can see you're upset they treat it as a reward.

Thanks Cogito. Yes I think I need to challenge her more. You know how sometimes you meet someone who brings up all sorts of bad stuff in you. It's a bit like that. She is actually a nice person but seems very hard on me particularly. Other people know how she can be but can handle things better than me. I think I will try the more assertive approach to start with. I feel so pathetic but she is tough to deal with. I feel like a sad lonely loser compared to her. Not happy with how I'm dealing with things.

Assertiveness gets easier the more you do it. In your case you'll probably have to err on the side of 'offensive' in order to get the balance right because you sound way too nice:) Tell the silly cow to but out and fuck off basically.

I think it's probably not only her attitude but the fact that you don't feel at ease with the team. She sounds like a queen bee who controls and manipulates the team to suit her. She's prob very skilled at getting even the managers on her side.

If you could raise the issue with a sensible, perceptive and proactive manager, you might be able to change the situation little by little. Otherwise, let her do most of the work if she's so good at it. Usually, it's easier to bear a situation like this if you are part time.

Just went through this. You must have full confidence in your abilities. Stay calm. Don't immediately respond to the snarky comments. Just look at her and raise an eyebrow. When she tries to control you on something, do the opposite with no explanation. No smiling. No ass kissing. No ego stroking to keep the peace. Keep your chin up - literally - don't look down. Meet her eye to eye. Always.

It is really and truly all about confidence. I KNEW I was better than her, smarter than her, more mature than her no matter how much she pranced around patting herself on her shoulder.

It's a classic case of a bully who found a target.

In my case, I won. She quit. I do empathize with you though, because had she not left I don't know how long I would have dealt with that silly little girl.

I had an issue at work and it pushed me to the edge of a nervous breakdown. I felt I had no way to turn as it was something one of my bosses was doing that I (& everyone else at the place) was appalled at, the other partners knew about it but were turning a blind eye and I was carrying the can. My DH suggested I join a union and I researched it and did so the next day. From the moment I got the email to say I was a fully paid up member I slept like a baby for the first time in something ridiculous like 9 months. I had massive back up and muscle behind me in the event that it went totally wrong at work and it gave me the confidence to speak to the other two partners and refuse to work with the one partner and it all got sorted sharpish. I would join a union (presuming you are in the UK) and then write a letter to your boss leaving nothing out and keep a copy. I have never told my bosses that I joined as I am certain they would sack me if they knew. Whether you let on that or not is up to you but it would help your peace of mind and maybe give you the confidence to actually put it in writing and start the ball rolling to getting this witch sorted.

No one can sack you on the grounds that you have joined a Union. I know that for an absolute fact. It is against the law.
While it may not be fantastically useful in some cases to join, I think it is vital in cases of bullying at work. Unions have specialist who have seen it all before and they will help you.
Keeping a diary of events as soon as bullying starts is also imperative.
And all your visits to a GP should be noted as well. Even after you think things are resolved I would still keep a diary for a few months.
As to self esteem and lack of confidence I would recommend a counselling course at a local College and a Mindfulness course. Completing them will give you the tools to defend yourself assertively. Both courses or the equivalent can be obtained free from your GP.
Best of luck Karmaone I really feel for you as I was a Union Rep when I worked and saw the devastating effects of bullying.
Xx

Wow thanks everyone. There is some fantastic advice here. I will think about joining a union too. I think to start with I need to change the way I deal with her. I will start to be more assertive on Monday if I can. I've been to the doctor and have been offered counselling so will take it up. I feel like she holds all the power in the office but I do occasionally see other people's reaction to her. She's formidable. I'm sick of crying all the time and I keep trying to hide it from others at work. She is so caring with others but so hard with me which adds to my feelings of worthlessness. It's a poisonous atmosphere in an already stressful job.

You need to approach a manager, you need to explain calmly and fully whats is happening and the effect it is having on you. It is almost certain from what you say that they will already have this womans number. I was a manager for a very long time and have seen and dealt with this on many occasions. If they have anything about them whatsoever they will deal with this sympathetically and robustly. If they don't you may want to consider if this is a company that you wish to work for. (but allowing bullying by way of constant undermining almost certainly amounts to constructive dismissal and is very likely to be viewed as such by an employment tribunal) If your workplace has a grievance system, use it.

Join a union if you can.

Work on your assertiveness, google courses and there are umpteen books on it on amazon.

You do not have to tolerate this, its very bad for your mental health. But doing and saying nothing will not resolve this situation.

Getthe thanks for that. It certainly is affecting my mental health. She is very popular and good at what she does. However several people have said that they would struggle to work direct with her. I don't like making a fuss and can't help thinking that it's all my doing and that I'm being a drama queen. Also that she would be so upset if she knew how bad I was feeling and that perhaps I should approach her direct but I don't have the guts. End up feeling crap about myself again.

Karmone can you see when you tell us that she ( the bully) would be so upset if she knew how you felt, how wrong this is ? You should be the most important person to you. What she thinks and feels are irrelevant. Your sympathy should be reserved for you.
Has your GP given you something to calm you down. When we get worked up because we can't defend ourselves, we get angry. The anger is directed against ourselves because we feel helpless. Then it is directed at the person who we perceive is creating the problem.
Expressing sympathy for your tormentor is like a Turkey expressing sorrow for the person holding a knife to their throat at Christmas.
Try hard not to cry when you are being assertive. She is going to get quite a shock when you stick up for yourself, so be prepared.
We are here for you xxx

Hole you have a good point. I think if one person told me I was making a fuss about nothing I would just crumble. It's very complex actually and bound up in what I think about myself. I just think that a different person, someone stronger than me, could deal with her and not let it affect them so what does that say about me? Does that make any sense?

It makes sense if you lack confidence. It's very difficult to change your core personality and attitudes, of course. However, an effective shortcut is to become an actor and simply play the part of that different, stronger person you describe. How would they deal with her? What would they say? .... do that instead.

Shakespeare said that 'all the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances and one man in his time plays many parts'

The people you interact with - including this woman - will respond to the persona you project outwardly and not the quivering heap you are internally. They will not know it's a performance.

Cogito yes I need to pretend even if I don't feel it. I have over time become a quivering wreck Its a bit pathetic really. When she walks into the room my heart sinks When she's not there for a day I feel like a different person. I am so much more confident and able to handle things. I am someone different or maybe more myself.

The suggestion above to act a part is a very good one - you could even maybe tell yourself you're acting in a training video about assertiveness/dealing with bullying in the workplace..

No, she is NOT "actually a nice person" if she treats you and makes you feel like that......

She's a bitch.

So please find your "inner bitch" i.e. I WILL NOT put up with this bullshit and let you undermine me.

Finding your inner bitch is just another expression for being assertive.

She is not better than you, is not smarter than you. She is actually a very sad person. And the bottom line is that she is probably really miserable in real life, jealous of you and is projecting her shit onto you.

You sound lovely. Do you have a halfway decent HRM dept.? If not please contact a union or a lawyer after having brought it up with them and they won't take it seriously.... I did HRM

Don't let this toxic person undermine your life.

Sorry, haven't read all your posts but can you start putting your CV out to look for another job? Do you feel supported by your manager right now?

There ARE nice companies and places to work out there.

(I know it may not be so simple, hours, distance, child support, etc.).

As the saying goes "Choose your battles".

I have been burnt out from work plus being an LP and aging parents to take care of

All of it put together can really have an impact on your health. And good health is the bottom line. Because we need to be healthy and there to take care of ourselves and our kids.

She may not be as truly popular as she seems to be. She may not know her job as well as she claims to know it. Her "caring" about others could be 100% fake. Your coworkers may just be tolerating her, thankful they don't have to deal directly with her.

There is nothing special about her. She isn't better than you.

This bully woman in your life has her own insecurities, you know. In my case I identified my bully's weaknesses and went after them. I refused to be treated like crap by this little bitch.

Also in my case it helped me to power dress with high heels. She dressed everyday like she just came from the gym. Seems silly, but it made a difference. I presented stronger than her on appearance alone.

This woman was an equal to me in rank. I have had a Bully Boss in my life too. When the bully is the boss, I say - Cut and Run. But if the Bully is an equal, then work with it because it will help you in the long run. It is a developed skill that will help you in the future, too.

Holeinmyheart my bosses absolutely would sack me if they knew I had joined a union. They would sack me for something else although I would know why it was really. My work is a lot of decision making and working on our own initiative and a lot of it is sailing close to the wind. Some many decisions made in my job by me and my bosses are questionable on occasion and borderline right/wrong and if they knew I had joined a union, they would simply pick up on something a bit borderline and press home the point, even if on another day they would be chuffed to bits with the result of the same decision. I would know the truth, so would they but I would not be able to do a damn thing about it. That is how a lot of companies work. I would get no-where saying I thought my sacking was due to my membership, I would get laughed at. It's a screwed up world.

You have all really spurred me on to tackle her on Monday. You're all right, she is not better than me. She is my equal in the job and I must remember that. I have had a few outbursts at work over it and I think this has weakened my position as she is always in control and I struggle to remain calm. Don't get me wrong, it only happens now and again but I worry that I look like the hysterical one. I am sensitive it's true but the constant bossing around and checking up on me has become unbearable. Openly laughing at me in front of others too. You all sound so strong and I feel very weak at the moment. I so appreciate your time to answer me.

Finding your inner bitch is not, imo, being assertive. I feel a better way to view it is reaching an outcome of 'i'm ok - you're ok',

My heart goes out to you; I have been in a slightly similar position too a while back. I am highly sensitive and I did get very depressed about this work situation (evil boss). It is easy for me to say but she will not change (sadly), but your attitude to her can. In my case, I had to leave and was fine after that.

TRY not to let her have so much 'perceived power' over you: really hard, I know, and it is great (but also 'sad' that you love your job, as I imagine it'd be hard to leave as you love it). I also meant to say that most offices have such a character (although this does not help).

You could try 'having a (calm) word' with her? Another thought: is there a mediation service at your workplace? - it might be worth a go, so she can better understand the impact she has on you (although this is not for everyone & both of you would have to be willing to attend).

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is hideous at the time. I hope she leaves really soon. xx

Be strong. Good luck on Monday.

I am so sorry you are being bullied. It is such a horrible thing to go through and it is time she was disciplined for it.

Good luck for Monday.

DD has been bullied and Monday is D-Day for us too.

Neighbour, so sorry to hear you've been through that and a shame that you had to leave. Hopefully you're happier now!

Itsfab, thanks for your kind thoughts and hope it goes well for your daughter tomorrow. My colleague would laugh if anyone suggested that she might be a bit of a bully. It's weird because she can be pleasant some times. I think she doesn't like me and thinks I'm a bit pathetic and sad. I don't know. I'm dreading tomorrow. Don't even know if I can do it.

Thanks everyone for your good wishes.