Work relationship nightmare

[Karmaone]

Looking for some other perspectives here please as I've lost sight of what's what.

I'm in a full time job and work closely with a certain colleague and I'm now struggling to do my job properly. It's been going on for years now but coming to a head this week. Every morning this week I've been in tears and had to go off and compose myself.

She is mega controlling and thinks she's in charge when she isn't. She gets involved in my job and has ramped up the control massively recently. She often takes over what I'm in the middle of. Laughs at me a lot and I end up feeling very small and unimportant. Our boss is great and she is aware of some of the issues but I feel invisible as this colleague is everyone's go to. I have been excluded from her group for years for reasons I don't understand. The problem is that I'm not confident anyway and this is deeply affecting my ability to do my job. She undermines me in so many ways including directly telling me how much better and quicker she is in doing what I do. We do have very different styles. I've been stuttering and unable to talk properly this week and I've been dreading going back on Monday. I just can't face it anymore I love my job and don't want to leave but I don't see an alternative at the moment.

Does anyone have any advice?

Gfplux, thanks for your message and I will try to be strong!

OP I found when in this situation that thinking of situations that were happening regularly helped. I asked myself how I would reply if I had time to respond.
One of my responses was "why do you feel the need to undermine me?" Then silence but looking at her in a interested way.
Another was, when she tried to tell me my job to say repeatedly "it's ok I know how to do my job thanks" with a smile or ignore her to the point of walking of in the middle of instructions she insisted on giving.
I also developed a habit of looking at her and laughing inside at her, she must have a sad life to behave like this.
I had what I call a gatherer of people. Someone who gathered people round them so they felt strong and powerful. I broke down barriers with them by asking how they were, if they'd had a good weekend, remembering details about their lives. This resulted in reciprocal interest and "diluted" the effect of the bully's behaviour.

Could I put a slightly different perspective?
I used to work with a lady doing the same type of work on the same grade. She was a very nice lady intelligent and could do a. good job. However she was a ditherer and a worrier and it took her an hour to do a job that would take me 20 mins. Yes she did an excellent job but the volume of work was such that we didn't have time for excellent only reasonable.
I started to notice that staff would bring work to me as she took too long and would faff around so much. In the end I realised I was doing about 70% of the work yet we got the same pay. I tried to raise it with the boss but he laughted it off as the work was all getting completed and she was a nice person. It got to the stage that I found myself getting snappy and cross with her because I was so tired from working so hard and feeling put upon. In the end I left and got another job.
I am not saying that this is the case here but is it something to consider?

Fairy thanks for the different perspective and I think there may be a tiny element of truth in it. However, we have completely separate roles. I think I frustrate her because I'm not as quick thinking as her but that doesn't impact on her role. Interestingly, as time's gone on I have become more dithery as she has tightened her grip. I don't doubt she gets irritated with me as I am a very different character to her. But there is room for both styles. Food for thought though.

Well it's been a funny couple of days. I went with politely declining offers of "help" and ignoring. There was a lovely comment made about how, in my lunchtime absence, she had dealt with everything in an efficient double quick time. Also that she had tidied a particular area of mine. I ignored but still felt crap. For some reason I felt unable to tackle her direct. I felt utterly invisible and tearful most of the day. I feel like I need to kick myself up the arse. So totally pissed off. Why do I always feel so invisible?

I was bullied for an extended period of time by a fella I worked with . I worked in a male dominated environment and he made my life a living hell for months. All got to much and I gave notice to my supervisor who then asked why, it all came out and said bloke got a good (metaphorical) shoeing. Report her then stand up to her.... you can do this my love. Is there anyone else who has witnessed her bullying? Keep a log of everything she says/does. Make it clear to her you are aware of what she is doing.... she will deny deny deny but stick to your guns.

Thanks Minty and Cantbelieve. I am thinking about telling my boss but she feel like a trouble maker. I've been in tears most of the evening about it all. She does do similar things to others but knows who she can and can't do it to. I need to grow a pair but am struggling.

Unfortunately it is due to our manager allowing that to happen.
As work gets done - manager will not interfere.

I think you need to lear to stand up for yourself.

karmaone this situation is making you ill and I think you perhaps should go off with stress before you collapse. OK, OK, I know it might seem like being weak but you say yourself that you are crying all the time.
If you can't tell this woman to back off then you need to safeguard your health. Your job will be safe while you take a breather and rest and assess your situation. You sound as though you are suffering from depression.
You will have access to mindfulness and CBT FREE from your GP. You can have time off with full pay and return refreshed and full of self confidence in your ability to defend yourself.
Whats the alternative?
Xx

I am sure manager knows very well what's going on.
S/he can't be bothered to rock the boat.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You can't fix this with one confrontation. It'll be gradual, but you can do it. Granted I know plenty of women who have no trouble coming back with, "Why are you minding my business?? Do you not have enough work of your own to do? Am I all up in your business?? What the hell, man?" and then just go on and on. That's not my style.

I say things like, "Oh really?" or "Why would you do that?" or I say nothing and just stare at them. No smiling. Start slow and just plan on doing it once a day.

She definitely seems to be pushing your buttons for sport. That's so uncool. Karma will bite her in the ass it's just a matter of time. Just remember, She's a fucking bitch. Period.

You know OP, I have to wonder WHY she's picking on you. She obviously feels insecure about something. It just makes no sense to do your work, I wonder if she's intimidated by you in some way, or she's seeking a promotion or something (supervisor?).

Try not to be upset when she "helps" like she did at your lunchbreak. I know that's hard but just thank her (I'd probably do with a bemused look on my face and say "okay, thanks!"). It's very odd that she feels the need to do it.

I would speak to your manager though and tell them that you're feeling quite undermined. That X is attempting to micro-manage you, taking over your tasks, doing your tasks while you're away, laughing at you, actually telling you that she's better than you and you're feeling very bullied by her actions. I would explain you feel a noticible difference around the office and within yourself when she is not around.

The next issue is though, what do you think a good remedy would be? Her being talked to? Do you want to move to another department, or her? It's a good idea to know what you want out of it, even telling them that in an ideal world she'd just stop, and even though she has always done it to some small degree over the years, it's only the last few months that she's really ramped up her behaviour. That you see no alternative but to .

Do you think you need to take stress leave?

Such people do a hell of a lot of damage to the workplace in terms also of productivity and trust and its not at all widely recognised or talked about.

I worked with a narcissist at work many years ago and this person did exactly the same as you describe to fellow colleagues and management. She single handedly managed to wreak the previously nice work environment we had. Management were in the palm of this person's hand, she was very good at brown nosing the daft management who could see what was going on and chose to do nothing because they liked her. Your management may well be ultimately the same but you really do need to escalate this because its getting completely out of hand now. This type of dysfunctional behaviour should never be at all tolerated in the workplace.

You still have choices and one of those ultimately is to leave. I would try and hang on in there and keep talking to the nicer people for now if you still like your job. I was fortunate in that this person left before I did but I would have walked away had she stayed.

They may well be able to transfer her into another department and then she will be off your hands.

I understand how hard it is to speak up but do you feel you could write down your concerns on paper? It would be a start. It's a classic bullying case. Sorry. It's not you, it's her. For sure!

Perhaps to get some perspective, it would help to see how someone else would respond to her.

There was a lovely comment made about how, in my lunchtime absence, she had dealt with everything in an efficient double quick time.

Me: I'm sorry, you did WHAT exactly? (Looking at her incredulously as she repeats herself.) So to clarify, you went into my files/email/desk and did work that was assigned to me the minute I step out for my lunch break. Did Name of Manager specifically instruct you to do this?

I see. I think we need to have a chat with Name of Manager. You just can't go around doing that. (Muttering under my breath now I'm going to have to sort out whatever mess you did in "efficient double quick time.)

or if I was feeling bemused rather than pissed off:

Me: Why? (Looking at her as if she was a loon and waiting for her to try to find any logical explanation why a sane colleague would wait til I went out to lunch then sneakily do my work work so she could boast about how quickly she did it.)

Followed by: Don't you have any of your own work to do? Then perhaps go do it?

Also that she had tidied a particular area of mine.

Me: Please do not touch my work area again. If any files/papers goes missing, then you are making yourself accountable.

I think the time has come to keep a note openly of all her problem comments and behaviour.
She tidied your area. Note it. She says you should do that before this - note it.
If its not her job to do these things then she is doing the wrong work and wasting her time.
If she makes a really inappropriate comment write it in full and ask her to initial it.
This may help her to understand how much she is interfering in your work life.
You have my sympathy but you need to get this stopped and a notebook can only help if you have to take it to HR or a manager.
See a doctor too and take days off when you are so upset. This is not right on so many levels.

If your manager can see your POV and is sympathetic then perhaps it's time for an informal chat with your manager setting out exactly how you feel. Is anybody else affected by her behaviour, then the more of you that go to your manager the greater the likelihood that something will be done.

If you don't get any success with your immediate manager then you have to escalate it to the next level of management. I wish you every success as i'm about to leave my job because of exactly this kind of scenario.

I went through all the proper procedures with HR and the Union but management in my firm brushed it all under the carpet because this individual was very tight with them and would badmouth the rest of the team at every available opportunity and in managements' eyes this individual could do no wrong.

I have this with a 'friend'. I feel stupid, irrelevant, invisible when I'm with her. Planning to dump forthwith. It sounds simplistic but perhaps when those feelings emerge - and you know the quality of them don't you? Nothing else is like it - you know you're being bullied/controlled/whatever. With my 'friend' I've realised I am useful for certain activities: I am inanimate to her, a device; not real, not viable; used for her own ends. Which describes a bully.

Good advice above. I wonder if you could practise standing up to her in the privacy of your own home: get a chair and imagine her in it saying her 'I've tidied your workplace' shit. Tell her 'How DARE you! How DARE YOU [access your inner ROAR here, right from your gut] violate my personal and professional boundaries you sad witch; you SADDO; you inadequate BULLY ' etc. Give it to her, let her have it, SHOUT. LOUDLY. Plumb the depths of what you really think and feel. You can go from outright ROARing, saying precisely what you like, to reasonable, clever, cold, cutting etc. You can do/say what you like (i'd be cheering you on if no-one else). You may feel silly but what does it matter, no-one is there to hear it, only you. It will clear the airwaves, the block that the bullying and undermining has put on you, loosen up your speechlessness. It's got to be better than feeling tortured by the horrible cow.

She is probably not as popular as you think she is and if she is trying to undermine you then she is not as confident and capable as she likes to make out. She feels inadequate so remember that the next time she make you feel inadequate - a truly happy confident person would never treat someone in such a way, she definitely has her own issues.

She is probably jealous of you for some reason - are you a better worker, better looking, smarter or just a lovely person that people like? Maybe you are/appear more confident than you think - there will be something.

If she does your work just ask her why, point out that you are capable of doing it yourself and inquire if she has any work of her own to do. Take note of a conversation, post it here and get advice on ways to respond.

You have my sympathy - I am fed up dealing with these idiots too!

I do have to admit my reaction at finding out she'd done my work would be: "Why?"

Now I'm wondering. Not knowing what kind of work you do, is it "tied" to your name somehow? So if she's made an error will that be on your record? 

Can you lock your desk? Can you lock your computer? 

I'd probably report that to the manage as well "X has been doing my work and I'm not sure WHAT she's done. She does it after I leave my desk. I'm concerned she's doing something she shouldn't in my name. Do I have permission to add a password to the computer and lock my desk whilst I'm gone? I'm happy to give a manager a copy of the key and password but it's making me quite uncomfortable".

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your thoughts. Springy I like your idea of role play at home! Today wasn't too bad but I had a mini panic attack when I went into the office which has never happened before. When she walked in the door I felt sick. It was very busy today so I kept myself to myself. There were a few comments but nothing too bad. It's difficult for me to say too much as I don't want to be outed. She is in a clique at work that I have been mostly kept out of. There have been some invites but now none at all. In fact sometimes I hear them quietly discussing meet ups and, although I don't want to go, it still hurts to be kept out. I'm not the only one that's kept at arms length though. The clique is well known and is impenetrable. It's poisonous really. I am psyching myself up to fight back!