Work relationship nightmare

[Karmaone]

Looking for some other perspectives here please as I've lost sight of what's what.

I'm in a full time job and work closely with a certain colleague and I'm now struggling to do my job properly. It's been going on for years now but coming to a head this week. Every morning this week I've been in tears and had to go off and compose myself.

She is mega controlling and thinks she's in charge when she isn't. She gets involved in my job and has ramped up the control massively recently. She often takes over what I'm in the middle of. Laughs at me a lot and I end up feeling very small and unimportant. Our boss is great and she is aware of some of the issues but I feel invisible as this colleague is everyone's go to. I have been excluded from her group for years for reasons I don't understand. The problem is that I'm not confident anyway and this is deeply affecting my ability to do my job. She undermines me in so many ways including directly telling me how much better and quicker she is in doing what I do. We do have very different styles. I've been stuttering and unable to talk properly this week and I've been dreading going back on Monday. I just can't face it anymore I love my job and don't want to leave but I don't see an alternative at the moment.

Does anyone have any advice?

I worked somewhere once that had a dead cool clique. We uncliques used to skulk around feeling rejected. Until we set up our own clique - we called it the uncool clique. The looks on the faces of the clique was an absolute picture: naked astonishment. Their clique had thrived on its exclusivity, of course. It ended up quite well because our clique was much more relaxed and we had a lot of fun; the snotty clique climbed down off their high horses and joined in - we were much too relaxed to bar them entry. Can you forge links with other rejectees and set up some social events?

What's going on here is classic bullying. I do think that if you look at your orgs anti-bullying policies you will find all these tactics are covered. You have solid examples - do keep a short diary noting dates, times and a short description of what happened; also the effect on you, how it made you feel (sketch in historical examples before you start. Try not to engage as you write it). This is potent evidence should you take this forward.

Re panic attacks, do keep an eye on your breathing: low, into your stomach, deep breaths. This is so effective for warding off panic attacks, which are triggered by quick, shallow breathing.

I do feel for you, it's horrible when one is in the grip of bullying - so hard to see beyond it at the time. Do start putting in practise some of the excellent advice on here, which will go a long way to breaking the power of the bullying in your mind.

Springy, I am friendly with the other people there which is nice. They are lovely but unfortunately I don't work directly with them but they're not far away. This woman has made comments about my kids too and commented on my choices made for them. Do you know what I'm getting angry now. That feels better tbh. I'm going for it tomorrow.

Brilliant! Yay!

Let us know how tomorrow went!

Good luck tomorrow! Anger is definitely better.

She is NOT better than you. If she were, she wouldn't feel the need to actually tell people, she just would be!

Hiw did it go OP?

Well what an interesting day. I had the usual sarcy comment first thing but gave a blank stare in answer. Later on my boss called me in and said she had noticed I didn't look very happy. I came clean and she told me that she was already aware of what was going on with me and that others had said similar. Apparently she has already had a talking to. My boss is going to have a word with her and is not happy about the way she's been towards several people. She also told me that others in our area were keeping an eye on things. I nearly fell off my chair in shock. I feel so much better knowing it's not just me.

I had the same thing when I first started my current job. With the benefit of hindsight, I'd say my torturer was threatened by me.

Once her behaviour was noted by my manager and I stopped engaging, other than being civil and professional, she unravelled as she wasn't able to manipulate me and didn't know what to do.

It took a while to resolve itself, but I'm still here and she's been replaced by a really pleasant human being!

Things will come good OP. Keep you chin up.

Thanks Wow. I was different towards her today and it seems to have paid off. Also I feel her power has gone now with this new knowledge. I'm feeling much more settled.

Thanks Minty. I truly was gobsmacked by it as I was thinking something totally different about how she was perceived. She holds less fear for me now which, as you say, may change her behaviour towards me.

Wowee ! what a result. I am absolutely proud of you. Well done. All you had to fear was your own fear. What an excellent outcome. Xx

Thanks Hole. Now the hard work starts in being assertive!

What great news! Absolutely delighted for you

The word 'inappropriate' is your new buzz word. Pepper every conversation with her with it, like a stuck record. If she has been appropriately chastised by the PTB and keeps her comments etc at bay - which, judging from this morning's sarcy comment, has yet to take effect - you may not need to use it too often; but have your 'inappropriate' word ready in your holster to fire at the first sign of trouble. Not nice, not nasty statements . re 'it is inappropriate for you to clear my desk/make negative comments about my parenting/chide me on my work; I would like you to stop'. Pithy. Add nothing (tempting to gibber but keep it very short and to the point).

I don't know if you've heard of the 'boundaries' model: a house (that would be us), with a fence around the garden that surrounds the house, and a gate. No-one comes through the gate into our property without our express permission; permission depends on the visitor coming through the gate with respect. No respect, no entry. We can police our gate/fence/house and all conditions of entry.

I do hope your manager takes this up and runs with it. How wonderful that your colleagues are behind you

Sorry to be prescriptive though - I have been bullied and it can turn your brain to mush: helps to have some clear signposts! This was my intention.

Blardy well done old girl

Excellent update OP!

It never ceases to amaze me when it turns out that the thing you've been convincing yourself to be true (her being well respected) actually turns out to be false (she really isn't!).

I'm glad your manager knows how upset this has been making you. Did they talk to you about an action plan? Or review time for the situation? Or anything like that?

Whao, just read this thread, wonderful ending, OP, and wonderful support from the mumsnetters again.

Thanks springy for your excellent advice. Will give it a go! Thanks Mexican and Sky for your good wishes. Mumsnet us fab and you have all helped me see things that I was denying. You're all wonderful ladies? Thank you. Will update later.