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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

quick help please

76 replies

WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 07:57

Sorry if this makes no sense I'm panicking!

I split up with partner on Wednesday due to alcohol and anger issues, General unhappy home and wanted better for my two ds.

He cruelly asked my 3yo son who he wanted to live with an he absent mindedly said "daddy"

He's now threatening to take me off the tenancy, and live with our two boys.

He's already stolen half my savings because they are "rightfully his"

He said because I split up with him I should be the one on the street, I'm not allowed to split his family up.

I have no friends, family and little money.

What do I do??? Can't think straight Sad

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 10/10/2014 07:59

Firstly - deep breaths and get your thinking head on.

Are both your names on the tenancy? Do you work? Are you married? Is he on the birth certs?

I have to go out in a minute but others will be along soon enough.

Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 08:02

Both names on tenancy, I'm a carer for his disabled grandmother so very little money. Not married, yes he's on birth certificates.

He's refusing to leave because he has nowhere to go, I'm shaking like a leaf.

I'm trying to be calm but failing!

OP posts:
Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 08:05

Hrs threatening to put naked pictures of me on Facebook Angry I didn't even know he had photos!!

OP posts:
Whocansay · 10/10/2014 08:06

If he's stolen your savings, I'd call 101 and see if you can get it back. I would get legal advice.

Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 08:06

He also said if he had the boys he wouldn't drink and wouldn't be stressed/angry because I wouldn't be here to piss him off. my word against his, I wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

OP posts:
Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 08:08

It was only £300, but that's a lot to me. I don't think they would be interested. Plus he had my card so it was just stupidity on my part.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 10/10/2014 08:10

If he could do that, he would have done it already. What sort of father would post naked pictures of his child's mother on Facebook? All this should confirm that your decision to split is the right one. He clearly shouldn't be left in control of a child.

Speak to the police and CAB for starters. I'm sure someone more knowledgeable will be along shortly. Flowers

rootypig · 10/10/2014 08:11

He's threatening to put naked pictures of me on Facebook

That, you can call the police for.

Here's the latest guidance on prosecuting maliciously posting pictures without permission.
www.cps.gov.uk/news/latest_news/crown_prosecution_service_offers_clear_guidance_for_prosecutors_on_revenge_pornography/

101, now.

Whocansay · 10/10/2014 08:12

It doesn't matter how much it is. It's your money and he's a thief.

Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 08:12

I can't stop shaking. I'm usually quite knowledgeable in these kinds of situations but this feels so messed up, I'm completely out of control.

OP posts:
rootypig · 10/10/2014 08:13

The theft of £300 will also be taken utterly seriously.

Please call them.

rootypig · 10/10/2014 08:14

Oh Wolfie he sounds like a horrible bully. You don't have to put up with this, you don't.

Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 08:18

I think he can visibly see me shaking, he must love this power.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 10/10/2014 08:19

We're all very wise when it isn't happening to us.

If he's threatening you and you're afraid, call 999.

Whocansay · 10/10/2014 08:19

You can do it via your laptop if you can't get to a phone.

Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 08:19

I'm not going to put up with this shit, I just can't get my head straight. I'm on benefits, no money, nowhere I can go. I'm going to walk my son to school in a minute so I will be back at about 9. Thank you for all your replies Thanks

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2014 08:32

I think the first advice is 'don't panic'. If you feel in immediate danger, call 999. If you are feeling threatened it could be that you need refuge as a stepping stone out. Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 are very helpful for women, like you, who are in abusive relationships and need advice how to exit safely. If you're not under direct threat or immediate danger you probably need to talk to someone at the Local Authority about housing. He is effectively making you and your children homeless so that makes you an emergency.

Is he your husband or just a partner?

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 10/10/2014 08:56

He can't just 'Take you off the tenanacy' It's up to the landlord who he/she lets to and they may chose you ( I would) speak to the LL and explain. How long to the end of the agreed term?
In your shoes I would call the police regarding the money, the threats and the threat of putting naked pictures of you on the internet. Let the police sort it and go from there. You and the DCs could go into a refuge and you get solicitors advice and get it sorted that way. He sounds awful!

Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 09:10

We are not married, thankfully. He hasn't made any physical threats but when he went out yesterday (I had to usher him to the door, he was pissed) I smiled as I said goodbye and he marched back in and fronted up to me. Which I suppose is a threat now I think about it.

The house is HA, and basically what happens is they come around with a form and you both have to sign to say that someone has left the tenancy. I imagine if I dont sign my life would be a living hell. The tenancy is 5 years, then after that lifelong.

I'm so nervous about ringing the police, I just wish this could be amicable. I've told him I just want a relaxed, happy home fir the children. That's all I want for them as I never had that and I would hate for them to grow up in a horrible atmosphere.

OP posts:
Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 09:14

He Saud that he either stays with all of us, lives with just the kids or goes to prison. The reason is so angry is because I was abused when I was younger, and we live in the same town as two of my abusers. He sees them almost everyday but I've told him no to react. He wants to kill them/seriously harm them and is finding it hard to just stand back. So if he had nowhere to go he would hunt them down and go to prison.

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Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 09:15

*said

OP posts:
marriednotdead · 10/10/2014 09:20

Deep breath, your understandable panic is stopping you from thinking clearly.

Domestic violence is a breach of the tenancy agreement i.e. grounds to have him removed from yours. He cannot take on the tenancy and remove you just because he has decided, and the courts would not grant him residence and majority care of your DCs based on the word of a 3 year old.

Call your housing officer and women's aid for advice Flowers

Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 09:23

But there isn't actually any domestic abuse is there? Am I blowing this completely out of proportion? Sad

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2014 09:26

"So if he had nowhere to go he would hunt them down and go to prison."

And that would be his own stupid fault if he did. Hmm You can't do anything to stop this man being a belligerent drunk but you can protect yourself and your DCs. Forget ideas of amicable. He's threatening, unreasonable and unstable so you have to deal with the reality, not the wish. 'Fronting up to you' is aggressive behaviour.

If you want a relaxed and happy life, the police will act if you report DV and the HA should follow through.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2014 09:28

Drunken, aggressive, threatening, controlling and bullying behaviour is Domestic Abuse. You don't have to have been physically assaulted or have actual injuries. If you call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 they'll reassure you that what you're experiencing is very serious indeed

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