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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

quick help please

76 replies

WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 07:57

Sorry if this makes no sense I'm panicking!

I split up with partner on Wednesday due to alcohol and anger issues, General unhappy home and wanted better for my two ds.

He cruelly asked my 3yo son who he wanted to live with an he absent mindedly said "daddy"

He's now threatening to take me off the tenancy, and live with our two boys.

He's already stolen half my savings because they are "rightfully his"

He said because I split up with him I should be the one on the street, I'm not allowed to split his family up.

I have no friends, family and little money.

What do I do??? Can't think straight Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 09:28

I'm so scared. This is the man that I have loved for the past four and half years. He's obviously hurting.

OP posts:
Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 09:29

Thank you I will call woman's aid first.

OP posts:
marriednotdead · 10/10/2014 09:32

If there's no domestic abuse then how come you're so scared of him?

Quote from a quiz on DV...

Domestic violence is someone bullying someone in a relationship. Bullies don't have to use violence to control someone, they may intimidate, use words to hurt them, make them feel small, take their money, tell them what to do, spy on them. Bullies can use sexual activity, money and someone's feelings to have power over them.

Believe me now?

marriednotdead · 10/10/2014 09:34

And people who are hurting do not threaten to put naked pictures of people they love on FB Hmm

Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 09:36

I have been so stupid, I'm going to ring woman's aid. Flowers

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 10/10/2014 09:38

Yes Wolfie, Women's Aid would be a great first port of call. When you are a bit calmer and he's not around you may want to look at the Rights of Women website.

I'm presuming you are primary carer for your children? In which case it is highly highly unlikely he will get custody of the children. Plus you can probably give plenty of evidence of his alcohol issues. And realistically, when push comes to shove he probably doesn't want them anyway - he's just using them as a weapon against you, the shit.

When things calm down a bit it might be worth writing things down. Incidents of his bad behaviour with dates, times etc (if you can remember, roughly otherwise). Especially any examples that occurred in front of your children. Get prepared.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/10/2014 09:40

I hope you manage to get through.
Keep trying and send them an email if need be.
You can link to this thread so that can see the seriousness of it.
WA can help you see the abuse you are being put through on a daily basis.
You are doing the right thing. Keep going and get the support you need.
Ignore his threats of taking the boys. That's all they are.

Could you thind about moving away from this town if it has lots of bad memories for you? Start a brand new life away from all your abuser?

When you talk to WA please mention the Freedom Programme. I think this would benefit you greatly.

Well done!

Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 09:42

I'm writing a list of what to discuss when I ring women's aid. He is a very hands on parent, he really does love them to bits. He just get angry very easily and shouts. I think the main reason he is angry is because "I have taken his boys away" but I have said I'm willing for 50/50 contact. I just think of he wasn't a full time parent he would be a lot more calm. He will fight for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 09:43

I had the money saved to move away. Now apparently if I try to move "I will be physically incapable" Sad

OP posts:
Jacksonville14 · 10/10/2014 09:44

You aren't stupid - I agree police, WA and a solicitor. He stole money and made horrid threats plus you are scared of him. Freedom Programme for you also I think - in person is best, but you can do it online too.

www.onespace.org.uk/elearning/courses/freedom-programme

Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 09:45

Ok I'm going to ring. I can't stop shaking, heart palpitations..

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Jacksonville14 · 10/10/2014 09:45

And the reason he gets angry is because he is abusive - it is nothing you have done to cause it. A drunk who threatens you physically - he is not a hands on parent then is he?

Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 09:50

Unable to connect my call.

OP posts:
digger123 · 10/10/2014 09:50

Is there nobody you can call to be with you? It's all very well having people on MN to talk things through with and get advice from, but having someone to hand-hold would also help...another Mum?

scallopsrgreat · 10/10/2014 09:51

After Women's Aid the police might be a good idea for the money. He has stolen it and he needs a wake-up call. It would be useful to have some of his behaviour on record so to speak too. That is evidence of financial abuse for a start. Having said all that I can understand if you don't want to. If you think it may escalate his behaviour. The threat about being physically incapable of moving is quite sinister. So you need to take care of yourself first.

Is there anywhere you and your children can go, if only for a few days? Women's Aid may be able to help with this.

Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 09:51

Best friend live 100 miles away, no family. Not a single soul.

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 10/10/2014 09:52

I've just seen this on another forum:

www.vagendamagazine.com/2014/10/my-husband-emotionally-abused-me

Apologies if the link doesn't work, just type the website instead.

Jacksonville14 · 10/10/2014 09:53

Call 101 in the meantime?

Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 09:58

That link basically reads my life.
If I remember something differently to him, I'm wrong. I say things in an arsey way when I haven't. I can't wear this or that. Constantly moaning about housework. I could go on.. makes me feel like I'm going crazy. No, it makes me feel like he wants me to go crazy, but I won't give into that shit. I just shut up and nod.

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Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 09:59

Too scared to involve police atm. Really want to speak to woman's aid first. Will try again in 15 mins.

OP posts:
Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 10:14

Still unable to connect. I've got until half past before I need to go 'home' Sad

OP posts:
Jacksonville14 · 10/10/2014 10:30

I really hope you get through - you are very brave x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2014 10:43

"He's obviously hurting."

This is when abusive, unstable men are most dangerous. When the bullying fails and they are told it's over they can very easily go from aggression and intimidation to physical attacks. Women die every week this way.

Please be very careful now. Keep trying to get through to Womens Aid and if there is so much as a hint of physicality.... pushing, 'fronting up', threats, destruction of property, hitting walls, kicking furniture, threats of self-harm, etc... then do not hesitate but call the police.

Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 11:41

Back home. He asked me what was wrong Hmm and I said that I didn't want him staying here. He said it was either here or jail, which would I prefer? He knows I want him to be around for the children so I cannot reply that I want him to go. I suggested a hostel but he "can't share a room with a load of drug addicts". Not going to able to ring woman's aid when he's here, the house is tiny and you can hear everything. He's gone out to get alcohol.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2014 11:45

If he's gone to get drink, keep calling Womens Aid. 'Here or jail' is an irrational response.