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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

quick help please

76 replies

WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 07:57

Sorry if this makes no sense I'm panicking!

I split up with partner on Wednesday due to alcohol and anger issues, General unhappy home and wanted better for my two ds.

He cruelly asked my 3yo son who he wanted to live with an he absent mindedly said "daddy"

He's now threatening to take me off the tenancy, and live with our two boys.

He's already stolen half my savings because they are "rightfully his"

He said because I split up with him I should be the one on the street, I'm not allowed to split his family up.

I have no friends, family and little money.

What do I do??? Can't think straight Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 11:50

I haven't got enough time to ring before he gets back

OP posts:
GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 10/10/2014 11:56

Call the police and get them to come and remove him. He's a threatening, intimidating abusive drunk who is planning to get pissed at 12 in the afternoon. You have children to think of as well as your own safety.

The police would come, if you call them.

Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 12:01

I've shut myself in the bedroom, he's making the boys lunch. This is all so confusing, he's got me my favourite sandwich from the shop and is really happy Confused

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fusspot66 · 10/10/2014 12:02

You can also email Women'sAid.

Jacksonville14 · 10/10/2014 12:03

His prison comment scared me. So if he can't have you he is prepared to go to prison?

And of course he is being nice to you now - but that could turn on a sixpence in an instant couldn't it.

Google 'cycle of abuse'.

Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 12:05

Ok brilliant I will email woman's aid Thanks

Basically he was saying if he can't stay here (whilst separated) then he'll have nowhere else to go and prison seems like the only option.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2014 12:06

It shouldn't be confusing. He's threatened you, you're still there, he's got his own way for now... he's happy. Bullies operate this way all the time, ramping up the abuse when they want to exert control and then turning on the nice guy routine when they think the dust has settled. It's quite normal and it's why you've stuck around as long as you have.

Act normally for now but keep your eye on the prize, keep your phone handy so that you can call 999 at the first sign of trouble, and keep making those calls to WA when you next get the opportunity.

Jacksonville14 · 10/10/2014 12:09

He will be nice sometimes - if he wasn't you wouldn't stay. But the nasty times confuse you and then he is nice again. He believes he is entitled to treat you any way he wants to, he won't change. And he will ramp it up - he got away with X so now can escalate to some Y too.

Keep safe and keep talking x

And where he goes if he isn't with you is not your problem or responsibility.

Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 12:37

He said he needed the money to go to a medical appointment, which would then help him receive a lump of compensation for not being able to use his shoulder for the rest of his life (medical negligence) and if I was a decent person I would let him have the money as we were going to use the money to go together anyway. I stated that it wasn't my responsibility anymore. He said I had so many traits just like my abusive mother, and I am so cruel. That they started to show when I stopped counselling and that I've been cruel to him lots over the past few months. He said I shouldn't let them take a hold of me as I'm actually a beautiful person.

Crying my eyes out.

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Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 12:45

And of course he's behaving irrationally, his gf if 4 years has just chucked him

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2014 12:49

He needed £300 to go to a medical appointment? Where was it.. Berlin? I'm sorry he's choosing this time to assassinate your character. It's all part of the same bullying you've been subjected to for 4 years

Keep making those calls to Womens Aid. The sooner you're away, the sooner you'll start to recover.

PlantsAndFlowers · 10/10/2014 12:53

Don't worry about what your 3 year old said, the courts don't listen to children's opinions on where they want to live until they're about 14.

Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 12:56

The medical appointment is a 4 hour train journey away and he needs to pay for accommodation.

He's gone now, said to boys if they don't see him for a long time mummy will explain why Sad don't know when, or if he'll be back. Or if we ever see him again, said this morning something along the lines of "ending it all"

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wol1968 · 10/10/2014 12:59

Am I the only person thinking the 'medical appointment' is an appointment to procure pharmaceuticals of a rather shadier nature? So sorry you're going through this...I agree with everyone else on here, involve the police.

Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 13:08

No it is legit, he needs to see a medical professor to examine his shoulder so that they can push for more compensation. Or something. Just emailed woman's aid Smile I'm happier now he's gone again, can breathe properly.

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mumof2wonderfulboys · 10/10/2014 13:19

£300 to go to an appointment? B*llocks! Tell him to go to a no win no fee solicitor, yes they take a chunk but better than taking your money. No doubt he's abusive, take your opportunity, gather important documents, spare keys vital meds and hide them, then plan where you could run to in your property to escape him if he tries to become physical. Keep your mobile on you at all times. Keep trying WA too. He sounds worse than my OH and I'm in a refuge!

mumof2wonderfulboys · 10/10/2014 13:19

Threatening suicide is also emotional abuse!

Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 13:24

He sent me a text which basically said - sorry bout what he said, he's deleted the pics, he'll always love me and if he's behaving nasty it's because he's hurting so much and doesn't know how to handle losing me, if he goes tell the boys how much I love then and will miss them. At the end it says 'bye bye baby'

Crying my heart out, what do I do?

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jackydanny · 10/10/2014 13:34

He is manipulating you.
Don't do anything, just look after boys and get through the day.
Try to get through to woman's aid.

Jacksonville14 · 10/10/2014 13:42

do not reply to him at all - you are at your most vulnerable now and he is using that to exploit you. He will be in touch soon enough - and that is when you need to be strong and ignore. change your number/email if you can - block him.

Speak to WA and do not engage with him on any level at all. Also get legal advice. And get him off the tenancy and any bank accounts as soon as you can I reckon and get the locks changed. You need to be safe.

oliveobsessed · 10/10/2014 13:51

He is using another form of emotional abuse threatening suicide as he is running out of options. Contact the police tell them that you think his life is in danger or that he has threatened his own life ask for a WPC as well to come round then you can discuss the full situation with the police. Generally they are excellent at dealing with domestic violence xxx

Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 13:57

Ok I feel better after a cry, hate the way he makes me doubt myself. I'm definitely never going back to him.

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digger123 · 10/10/2014 14:04

My STBX once said that if we split he'd have to move right away from the area as he wouldn't want to live near us and not be able to be with us. The implication was the girls wouldn't get to see him at all. I caved at the time and we stayed together. Now we've split guess what...he still lives locally - but the girls now don't want anything to do with him as they now realise what he's like...his loss!

There was so much he said over the years that was such bollocks rubbish

Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 14:10

He has said so much stuff in the past digger but I've always caved. I guess now is the time to see if he will actually follow through with these threats..

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Original poster
WolfieChunk · 10/10/2014 20:05

His sister is going to help him get a house and he's going for full custody on the basis that I am "fucked up". I suffer with depression (pnd & ptsd) and I know he will use that against me. He says he loves me, but doesn't believe I am capable of looking after the children Hmm and that deep down I know it too Confused

I called him a cunt and told him to fuck off!

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