Freeloading abusive ex - stuck in the same house but he won't pay

[knotswapper]

I've realised that DP is very abusive and a very unpleasant man - I've read Lundy and done the Freedom program and have long since stopped trying to understand/minimise/engage.

For visa reasons however, we have to live together. I've been in a separate room for a few years. He still makes life difficult if I try to go out and likes to kick off from time to time because he'a narcissistic abusive cockwomble (I've pre-empted what you'll call him there).

My problem is money. He just won't pay towards DD or the household bills. I need to be putting money aside so when our visa situation is fixed and we don't have to be at the same address I can get out and support DD.

I've tried and tried to get him to pay but he just refuses to engage - he screams abuse at me and walks off. Yesterday I called him on it (again) when he said he "couldn't afford" to pay for something. I said his finances weren't my problem and that as an adult he should take responsibility for his financial commitments. He just yelled that I would find that it was my problem actually and walked off. He has a really nasty bared teeth snarl he uses when I say something he doesn't like.

I managed, by a certain amount of trickery, to get him to pay the electricity bill for the first time in 7 or 8 years this year. He yells and screams that he pays the electricity bill and that he's not going to contribute to anything else because he's paying for that. It's immaterial that I've paid all of the utilities for several years, and that he's used paying this one thing as an excuse not to pay for anything else over and over again.

He doesn't pay a penny towards DD, her clothes, food, any activities/music lessons, school lunches, the car that we need to get her to school/fuel/insurance, Sky TV, water bill etc. I've bought all of the furniture, paid the deposit on the house, tvs, fridge - everything. He just simply won't put his hand in his pocket and short of getting hold of his online bank account and transferring it myself I can't force him to hand over the money. If I get him thrown out of the house for domestic abuse, then I will invalidate my visa status and I will have to leave.

Another concern is that when I do leave, he will be able to justify not paying for DD on the basis that he never has, or will even attempt to get money from me.

I'm not sure that anybody can fix this tbh or offer helpful advice, but it's just so frustrating. If he contributed his fair share then I would be able put a fair bit aside - where we are there is no safety net, I would get no government help here or back in the UK as I haven't paid into the system there in the last three years.

If I were in the UK I would have thrown him out and hauled his arse through court with a rottweiler of a solicitor, but I have to get the visas sorted first - will probably take several more months.

Without knowing where you are I can't give specific advice but what I would say is that while you might not be able to force him to pay what you can do is make absolutely sure your not paying for anything for him. So pin code on the sky box that he doesn't know, fridge in your room with food in it etc.

Fingers crossed you get visa issues sorted soon

I don't quite understand how a visa means you have to live together. Are you prevented from returning to the UK? Is your child's nationality the problem? Is there no opportunity to move to different accommodation in the location you are now?

You're not going to persuade a bully to stop bullying you.... which is what he's doing. He's clearly determined to make your life as unpleasant as possible. I would stop engaging, therefore, and try to think of a different angle.

Which bills are in his name, for example? If you stopped paying them would the companies concerned pursue him for the arrears or you?

YelloDino I'm in Australia. With the Sky box (well Foxtel) if I set up a pin then I'd put DD in the awkward position of not being able to tell her father. Whatever I try it always ends up either making life difficult for me or DD.

He waits until I go to bed and then eats all of my food. I've taken to hiding the bloody shower gel and toothpaste to try to get him to buy it himself. It's all so petty.

Cogito everything is in my name, except the Electricity bill which is now joint. This is mainly historical as I arrived here first and got everything set up in my name. The visa thing is complex but no, I can't move out until our new permanent one is issued. For some types of visas if you can prove domestic abuse you can get the right to stay if you are on a partner visa, but this doesn't apply to my particular visa category.

You need to get legal advice, the only way is to force the issue otherwise you are going to still in this situation for years to come.

Does he jointly own the property? Is his named as joint tenant? My next thought is that, if he won't contribute and he's not named on the tenancy, you could at least bar his access if he has no real right to live in the property. You'd be no better off financially but at least you wouldn't have to suffer looking at him.

What must your DD make of all this? She must be picking up on the extreme stress. How old is she?

God OP I couldn't stand to have someone have a hold over me like this. It sounds unbearable, absolutely unbearable. I'm certain your dd will be able to feel the hatred from you.

Where is your home country? Can't you return to there immediately?

I meant hatred between you!

Cogito We are joint tenants and yes, I could apply through the courts to get him taken off the tenancy and removed from the property because of the abuse (or "family violence" as it is referred to here) but it would be the same as me moving out and would invalidate my right to remain.

When I was the primary visa holder I was in a similar position - if I had thrown him out then he would have had to leave Australia and then I would have been the evil she-bitch who got him thrown out of the country and kept him away from his daughter. Having said that I did eventually decide I didn't care and repeatedly asked him to leave but he wouldn't (of course).

DD for now is fine although I'm keeping a close eye on her. I continually weight up whether remaining here is best for her or if returning to the UK would be best. For now, if we can get through the next few months, here is best and she's very happy in general.

Not sure if this is practical/safe for you to do but could you threaten him with going to his employers to ask if they will try to reason/shame him into pay 50% of the utilities as a minimum.

I know his employers can't force him to do it but if you threaten it and turn up outside his place of employment all tearful as your desperate he might think you would carry it out. He surly wouldn't want people to know how he is behaving.

Only buy food on a daily basis for you and your daughter. Definiatly lock on the sky box, don't give it to daughter so she isn't in awkward position but purity in for her whenever she asks. Take him off the car insurance. Make things awkward for him if he can't cooperate like a civilised human being.

Personally I would have no qualms about an online banking transfer and then I would make sure it was when he was there so he couldn't say it wasn't him. Then deny deny deny and let him try to prove it was you. This would only ever work once as he would change passwords so I would make sure it was worth it and put it away somewhere as a deposit for the next home. I know people will disagree with this course of action but I think that living at someone else's expense when you can and should contribute is also morally corrupt. I would see this as a balancing of inequalities.

So you're basically putting up with him treating you like shit in front of your daughter because you want your visa?

.....ok.

As I understand it though Australia is very proactive in stopping children leaving if one parent disagrees, more so than the UK. If OP leaves then she invalidates her visa and could be extradited but her daughter forced to remain in Australia with the abusive ex. OP I think that you need specialist legal advice if you haven't already sought it.

OP you have got the power to stop this situation. You can stop it if you decide to.

You are letting him have this hold over you and I would get my life that your daughter picks up on the situation between you. She will just process it as completely normal though as that is what you are showing her normal looks like.

So if you barred him from the home and put his stuff on the pavement, are you saying that this would invalidate his visa and he'd be on the next plane back to the UK? How does it work?

Leave and come home.

You are amazingly strong for trying to stay so you get permanent residency but your emotional reserves will run out and crucially, you deserve better.

He's never going to pay if you live there and he's never going to pay if you come home.

We have been here for 10 years, so it is all that DD knows. I do everything with her and DP is a minor figure in her life. At the moment however he is the primary visa holder, meaning that if I move out, or if he moves out we have to notify immigration that we are no longer a couple and I have to leave within 28 days, as I am on a partner visa. If I am no longer the partner, then I am no longer eligible for the visa.

If that happens I will take her away from the only country she knows and relocate her to England. If I can hang on for our permanent visa application to go in in January then we can move out and she can remain in Australia regardless of our relationship status.

I only have to hang on a while but I want to be able to put money aside to support us moving out. I've worked really hard to increase my earning capability so I can support her on my own and he's just making it so difficult to save any.

I was under the impression that Australia were completely and utterly insane when it came to the Hague Convention, and the child's right to both parents.

But considering how tight Australia are on immigration law, I can't imagine that simply being with a child in Australia gives you some sort of automatic right to stay.

Why don't you just speak to a lawyer?

Does your ex know that you're leaving in January, once the permanent visa comes through? Does he realise he'll lose any hold he has over you then?

If he does, could you ask someone to come and stay with you when you're approaching the deadline? It sounds like it potentially could get even nastier.

Hope you can hold out and that everything goes well.

kaykayblue As we are both UK citizens on temporary visas the courts are not interested. If he were Australian and I were English that would be very different. I've been playing a long game, knowing that we had a waiting period before we could apply for the visa and have done a lot of research. Once I get PR then I'm in a very strong position.

Immigration is currently being petitioned by several migration groups to make changes so that women who hold this type of spouse visa are allowed to get permanent residency independently in the case of either a dependent child or some form of abuse.

I have more options than many, a lot of these women don't speak English or are not working and as temporary residents have no access to government assistance or support and it can be too dangerous for them to return home.

scandi Yes, thankfully I've learned a great deal from people here and I know to prepare very carefully. He already blames me for everything that's wrong in his life and that's while DD and I are still here and he's living a pretty comfortable life. I mustn't give him any idea of my intention to go the second that visa is issued - I'd probably get a restraining order and do a flit one day when he's at work, backing a removal van down the second his bus has turned the corner. I have no doubt he will be intent on revenge for me 'destroying his life'. This is really why I find the money thing so frustrating, I really need to build the up as much of a nest egg as I can pay for the new bond and removalists and build a buffer to keep us going.

And grrrr. He's just got home from a company funded night at the Opera House. He's working his way through my food while I've retreated to my bedroom. DD phoned me from Brisbane but didn't ask after him.

Can you buy stuff /brands he doesn't like, or is he an undiscriminating guzzler?

Why won't you seek legal advice?

Can you put a lock on your bedroom door and keep everything useful in your room? Get a fridge in there?

He's drunk and has just threatened to kill me. I wouldn't normally post but I need to record this.

My fault - I asked him why he wasn't buying food and eating mine - he threw it across the room and then flung $6 at me.

I'd be calling the police emergency number!! Let the consequences sort themselves out later.

Report him to the police and get an official record of the threats to kill and physically threatening behaviour