Freeloading abusive ex - stuck in the same house but he won't pay

[knotswapper]

I've realised that DP is very abusive and a very unpleasant man - I've read Lundy and done the Freedom program and have long since stopped trying to understand/minimise/engage.

For visa reasons however, we have to live together. I've been in a separate room for a few years. He still makes life difficult if I try to go out and likes to kick off from time to time because he'a narcissistic abusive cockwomble (I've pre-empted what you'll call him there).

My problem is money. He just won't pay towards DD or the household bills. I need to be putting money aside so when our visa situation is fixed and we don't have to be at the same address I can get out and support DD.

I've tried and tried to get him to pay but he just refuses to engage - he screams abuse at me and walks off. Yesterday I called him on it (again) when he said he "couldn't afford" to pay for something. I said his finances weren't my problem and that as an adult he should take responsibility for his financial commitments. He just yelled that I would find that it was my problem actually and walked off. He has a really nasty bared teeth snarl he uses when I say something he doesn't like.

I managed, by a certain amount of trickery, to get him to pay the electricity bill for the first time in 7 or 8 years this year. He yells and screams that he pays the electricity bill and that he's not going to contribute to anything else because he's paying for that. It's immaterial that I've paid all of the utilities for several years, and that he's used paying this one thing as an excuse not to pay for anything else over and over again.

He doesn't pay a penny towards DD, her clothes, food, any activities/music lessons, school lunches, the car that we need to get her to school/fuel/insurance, Sky TV, water bill etc. I've bought all of the furniture, paid the deposit on the house, tvs, fridge - everything. He just simply won't put his hand in his pocket and short of getting hold of his online bank account and transferring it myself I can't force him to hand over the money. If I get him thrown out of the house for domestic abuse, then I will invalidate my visa status and I will have to leave.

Another concern is that when I do leave, he will be able to justify not paying for DD on the basis that he never has, or will even attempt to get money from me.

I'm not sure that anybody can fix this tbh or offer helpful advice, but it's just so frustrating. If he contributed his fair share then I would be able put a fair bit aside - where we are there is no safety net, I would get no government help here or back in the UK as I haven't paid into the system there in the last three years.

If I were in the UK I would have thrown him out and hauled his arse through court with a rottweiler of a solicitor, but I have to get the visas sorted first - will probably take several more months.

I think the people saying 'leave' don't fully appreciate your visa situation. Is there not some provision for victims of domestic abuse to retain their visa? :( I think you said not. Aus really is quite socially conservative in many ways....

I agree you really rwally need legal advice. Given he has now threatened to kill you staying does not seem like an option.

How can they legally penalise you from taking your child overseas when a) you arethe primary carer and b) you are not entitled to stay in Aus?

If she took legal advice she'd have answers and clarity on a lot of those questions and unknowns concerned.

She would indeed Vivacia. OP, I really hope a solution presents itself soon. It sounds intolerable :(

This is what a country gets, when they have a strict immigration policy, for those thinking UKIP might have a point.....

knotswapper, There may be a charity that can help you. In the UK, Southall Black Sisters help women with visa problems, in situations of domestic violence.

I have seen Face book posts from my Australian family about Asylum Seeker Resource Centre (ASRC) in Australia. I know its not exactly right, but they might be able to point you in the right direction?

At the moment however he is the primary visa holder, meaning that if I move out, or if he moves out we have to notify immigration that we are no longer a couple and I have to leave within 28 days, as I am on a partner visa. If I am no longer the partner, then I am no longer eligible for the visa.

So how are you magically going to get a permanent residency visa in your own right? Has this been guaranteed? You say you are on a temporary visa...

It's mad imo to put up with this situation because u want your visa. Your poor daughter is growing up with a really damaged perspective on what family life should be. Your prioroty should be what's safest and best for you and yoyr child, wherever in the world that may be.

Are you going to report him ? it can only help to get an official record of his DV towards you in extricating yourself from this complete dickhead.

She is not putting up with this because she wants her visa. How patronising to say that. There may be a risk that if she has her visa revoked that she has to leave australia and her child behind. Even where a partner has been abusive the OP would likely need a court order to remove her child from the jurisdiction.

Thanks all for your advice. I will be speaking with the police today so it's on record. I had already contacted a solicitor, it's a bit tricky as I need one who can advise on both family law and immigration law and generally they are one or the other and the lack of knowledge of both means they are unsure about the advice they can give.

sanity thank you, there are similar groups here and they have been lobbying for additional rights for women in exactly this position. I will see if I can speak with one today.

OP can't you ask your employer for unpaid leave and come to stay in the uk for a few months and stay with family ?

QuiteLikely, sadly no, I am freelance. If I don't work I don't get paid.

I've booked an appointment with a solicitor specialising in family law. I've also spoken with a migration consultant who confirmed that I'm screwed pretty much.

I've been doing some research and if I report last night to the police it will immediately trigger an AVO which will get him thrown out of the house. There are significant ramifications to this, not least that he won't be able to get PR, he'll fail the "good character" check. He would probably want to kill me for that alone.

I need to be quite sure what I'm doing before I go ahead.

Call Lifeline. You can remain anonymous and they will put you in touch with the right resources. The number is 13 11 14.

Oh OP I'm so sorry.

Can you apply for a perminant job that would allow you to get a visa in your own right?

Could you put a bar fridge in your room?

Is there a group like womens aid you can speak to?

While I understand the desire to wait just 3 more months you must keep yourself safe even if that means returning to the UK with Dd.

What nationality is Dd?

Thanks everybody, I appreciate your advice and it's really helpful knowing you are there. I'll take a look at the helpline, thanks Coughle

The money thing is a vicious circle really - If I take a permanent job then my pay will drop so significantly that I probably won't be able to stay - Sydney is incredibly expensive, particularly so for non residents. I have to pay for schools for example, I can't access reasonable finance packages, don't get any of the government support that residents do.

It would also mean that I have to start the two year wait again - you have to be sponsored for 2 years on a temporary visa before a company can sponsor you for PR. Without PR I have no access to government help/benefits/housing/shelters, which brings me back to having to wait for the PR before I move forward.

The reason he's started kicking off is because I'm trying to take control back and stop him living off me. He's also seeing me build a life outside, with new friends and thinks I'm going to start seeing somebody/am seeing somebody.

What I probably should do is just keep my head down, I've been playing the long game for years with him and we're so close to the end. I need to stop poking him with a stick about the money, although it's driving me mad and it's costing me a fortune. The food is more about the principle but the rest of it costs a lot. Having said that, I'll see what the solicitor says first.

Yy - it's 3 months. You need to KOKO and keep your head down if that is your only option to stay in Aus.

I'm also in Sydney so awake at similar times for support if needed :)

I'm bloody furious. We have a lady who picks DD up from school and brings her home - she finishes at 3.15 and I get home around 5.30. It costs $270 per week. Every week I get home first on Monday and pay her and he is supposed to give me $135. He hasn't paid in several weeks, so last week I said he had to be home first. He came home first and so I assumed he'd paid her. Nope. He couldn't even bloody pay her when face to face. So she's been out of pocket for the entire week and she relies on us for her money.

So I've paid her tonight and she's expecting me to pay her another $270 tomorrow. He already owes me $1300 in bills this month alone and I absolutely cannot fork out another $270 for him. I can't leave her out of pocket though and I will be the one home first.

I've sent him two texts today asking for the money and he's ignored them both.

I came home from work, made DD dinner, did the washing, packed the school bags, hung out the washing, washed up, made lunches and breakfasts for tomorrow and ran around doing stuff all evening. He waltzed in at about 8pm (he finishes work at 5pm so has probably been in the pub) and sat down with his computer. It's the final bloody insult. I work 6 day weeks to make ends meet and he doesn't do anything or pay anything.

I've contacted another solicitor. Fat lot of good it will probably do. That's two who haven't got back to me so far.

What is his justification for not paying anything towards anything?

He just says he will pay/has paid and then doesn't, or walks away/yells or ignores calls/texts. I can't raise it in front of DD because he will kick off and there's very little other time when we are alone. Emails get ignored too.

I just can't get him to engage. I can't understand how somebody can live like that. I'd be dying inside.

I think you might be right about playing the long game for another few months but only on condition that you feel it's safe. This is a dangerous time in an abusive relationship, even when the abusive person doesn't have a history of physical violence.

I see a pp recommended getting someone to stay for a while - any chance of that? Even if it was an au pair or renting out a room or something?

To stay sane, all you can do is to adjust your expectations. He's not going to pay his way, so for these three months, there's no point fighting it. I'm glad you've got legal and immigration advice, but now that you know the situation, you might want to avoid paying these fees. In the end, legal fees cost me far more than a leeching exH ever did.

When you have the visa and can get out, true, you won't have a nest egg, but you can build it up quickly. Keep your energy for then, and don't waste it on trying to achieve the impossible right now.

Does he have any belongings you could sell?

It goes against every instinct, but as long as you are physically safe it may be best to sit it out. I so hate saying that.

Might it help to see the next few months entirely as a means to an end? So the financial cost of keeping an even (and safe) keel is an investment in your future rather than a drain on it?

Yes, it's madness isn't it. I've spent a lot of time on this and I do think it's my only option right now. Whatever I do, it's going to cost and this is my problem - I've already worked through all of his other behaviours and they don't affect me so much, because I see him for what he is. I've long since stopped trying to work out why he can be so cruel or trying to understand why.

As part of my long game I've lost 30K, nearly finished an MBA, am completely teetotal (ha! can't accuse me of drinking!), have gained a load of professional certifications, model 'good behaviour' for DD - healthy eating, exercising every day, encourage her sport and music, do absolutely everything for her - essentially I have everything in place so any attempt by him to discredit me or try to gain custody on the basis that I am a 'bad mother' (which I absolutely guarantee he will try) will go nowhere when D-Day happens. He on the other hand goes to the pub 4 times each week, drinks every day, smokes (which really upsets DD), has gained about 20Kg and aged massively. I keep hoping he'll drop dead but so far he hasn't had the decency.

All that's left is having the cash in place to either relocate to the UK, move out or get him thrown out as soon as our visa application goes in (actually I need to check timelines on that, I may have to wait until it's granted).

Should one of the solictors get back to me then I will be in a better position to pre-empt any financial attacks.

Now I just need to decide whether to start telling people what's going on (witnesses, pre-empting slander) or to to keep my head down to avoid giving him any warning.

wingcommander, yes, I've thought about that (mysteriously all of my jewellery vanished a few years ago) and sadly no, I don't think so. I have bought every major (and minor) purchase over the last 10 years.

On the plus side it means when I leave he will be left with his shitty Aldi coffee machine (which leaks), some barbeque tongs, his nasty mustard tracksuit bottoms and the entire series of Sharpe in paperback, while I will have everything else

Hi knotswapper, I'm also in Aus and am not an aussie so understand the visa situation. I'm assuming its a 457 you're on. Are you sure there's no options re the domestic abuse as a partner of a 457 visa holder? Are you on the 457 or is it your ex?Theres an immigration lawyer in Sydney called George Lombard who we consulted about some complicated visa issues and he is excellent. Specialises in trickier cases eg female asylum seekers. I think your situation is sounding increasingly unstable and you really need some good advice. He does 1 hour phone consultations for about 220 dollars. I semt him a detailed email first then he got back to me within 24 hours.

I'm sure you've looked into this, but I'll ask anyway

When you get permanent residency, does Australia become your DDs usual country of residence, so you would never be able to go back to the UK with her unless XH gives permission?

If so , are you sure you want that?