So dh left a month ago for another woman...

[todayiamfat]

How and when do i move on?
Now i know it all takes time. We were together 17 years and have 2 dc under 5 together (youngest 18 months and i think the affair has been going on for all that time). He has given up everything for this...bitch (who i know btw) despite the fact we have gone through hell as a family the last couple of years (bereavement, severly ill dc, critically ill and life changing events for him too).

I feel lonely already. I am at the angry stage but i think I've accepted that it is over.

I'm not expecting you to say go and start looking for someone else now. I get i need to spend time on my own with dc and come to terms with things.
But i also feel like i need to know that there is the possibility that i can find someone. That i can attract someone.

I need a vague timeframe as to when i can try dating (i have never dated) and just enjoy any attention really.

And how the hell do i go about that?! I work full time and look after 2 small dcs. At the moment he sees them once a week. I feel completely clueless.

Oh. It may be in my head but i have been trying to think of anyone male who is single in my vague age bracket and can think of no one at all! Where are these single men anway?! I am early 30s and feel like he has had my best years

Well he hasn't, you are still a young thing, I'd actually say get out there and get dating, if nothing else it will distract you and if you go out with a few men who make you feel good, why not!

Don't you have any single female friends? I'm about to start OD, my friends are on various apps and sites, apparently it's the way to go. I'm hitting 50 so if you think there are no men available, god help me!

I am sorry this happened to you. Your best years aren't gone at all! You must have been together since you were really really young. This is going to be a whole new life for you. I am sending you all good wishes and thoughts. You will attract someone, invest in yourself, exercise and treat yourself well. Good luck, OP.

Oh my love, I'm so sorry you are having to cope with this.
I don't have any answers or pearls of wisdom, but believe your best years are yet to come.
Do you have anyone who could mind the dc just for a few hours one night a week whilst you find a hobby or interest.
I haven't been in your experience but know several who have met friends with much in common whilst at a hobby or interest group.
From here they had several nights out together and I know people have met future partners at occasions like this.
Give yourself time though before getting involved with a partner again and live life for you, how you want to.
30's are nothing honestly, you are young and it may not seem like it atm but nobody is holding you back now.

I think the first step to attracting someone new is becoming properly comfortable and taking full advantage of your independent life. You've had 17 years tied to some idiot bloke that let you down, so that's been your whole adult life. This is a great opportunity to exploit the new freedom. It'll feel weird if you've always been with someone but that will pass. Make some plans, try new things, get a social life that includes men as well as women & take your time working out who you actually are. Dating is fun but it's more fun when you're feeling confident and happy in your skin.

Totally agree with cognito, spend some time getting to know yourself. Please yourself for once- do what you want to do! I didn't meet my husband until I was 34... And it just happened... I wasn't actively looking as I had just split up with a long term bf. Your life is just beginning :)

Thank you so much for replying.

I wont go into too much detail as I'm sure many of our colleagues (yes we work together too) are on here from some conversations i hear!

But he has completely turned in to someone i just dont know anymore. He certainly isn't the man i feel in love with (or even the one i still love). The worst thing is that for most of our marriage i would never have suspected this. My friends are visibly in shock. I think i may still be tbh.

Anyway, your advice has surprised me and cheered me up!

OD-i assume online dating. That sounds rather scary!

Hobby-like that idea.

My issue is that my friends are all having really difficult times atm (cancer, long-term ill dc etc) that i dont feel able to ask. I need to sort contact time out with stbx.

I basically need a confidence boost i think! I feel so unloved and unattractive. I'm hoping this is in my head

I was 34 when I split up with my ex and thought I'd remain a single mum. I was fine and not even looking but within months I was in an amazing relationship and 9 years later we have 3 children together.

Oh Cri that has made my day!

cognito you've hit the nail on the head. He was out every evening with a new business venture (which i supported) and was tied to the house with the young dcs. Working full time meant i never had any social interaction other than colleagues.

Any ideas for a new hobby?

With the dc bdays and christmas looming, i want somwthing to distract me from even more miserable lonely times. My bday 2 weeks after i discovered the affair was utterly awful.

What are you interested in?

Early thirties is still so young so don't feel he has had the best of you!

I am going through a separation too, he was my first everything so I am worried no one else will find me attractive, but I properly will be going online dating when I am ready.

OP I'm really sorry for what you're going through. May I suggest swing dancing? It's not dirty in the way it sounds, but I found it was a brilliant way to meet new people while having a tonne of fun. It's not sleazy in any way, but I know 5 couples (including myself) who met each other through swing dancing, and more importantly we all met a huge range of brilliant people who ended up being long term friends.

Not liking the username!

Of course you have someone to mind the children - their father. They are very young and once a week contact is not nearly enough. Perhaps if he had one evening a week (he needs to pick up from nursery/childminder meaning you can go out straight from work) and then have them overnight and drop them off in the morning so you get at least one proper night's sleep. He could then do one weekend day a week.

Going out straight from work means you are more likely to actually go out and you may meet different colleagues you don't always see during the day so great for expanding friendships. If you find an evening class/hobby you like, this will give you time for that. If your ex gives the 'I can't possibly leave work early/on time' line you will have to tell him his circumstances have changed and he has to MAKE arrangements. This is what most women do when they have kids. The days of on tap childcare are over.

Once you have expanded your friendships and interests and get your confidence back then go for the dating.

Good luck. x

He does do one day and evening/overnight in the week. But only has them an afternoon at the weekend (this is probably my reluctance tbh).

He actually works every evening. His business is onky viable this way. He works part time at the same place as i work full time too.

The other issue is money. He can't afford to support me and the dc and fund a new place. He is living at the business premises! Which is basically an industrial unit. He takes the dc to his dads.

All such a mess. I'm finding backing off from his mess quite hard as i organised and ran everything.
OW is on the backburner at the moment. Apparently out of respect for me .

The story is long, shocking and for me devastating. To say he is a shit is very much an understatment.

Agree the username isn't great! I was kind of hoping it implied i wouldn't be tomorrow when i chose it!

Swing dancing....there is a new dance school opened up very very close! I woukd be useless though! I have no rhythm. I once got chatted up by a a gentleman who struggled with English. He said i danced like a fish !

I drink like one, does that help?

I was dumped by my fiance at the time. It's horrible. He was my best friend, soul mate, call it whatever. His reasoning was he was too young to be tied down. True- we were 21.

Like you I looked for every reason 'why'. I implore you to stop analysing because it's a hiding to nothing. There is no logic to how someone loves you one day then not the next and looking for clues in their character or behaviour doesn't give the answers in the end.

I was gutted when I heard my ex had married someone barely 2 years after our break up. They divorced after a brief marriage and he divorced again after that. Both were impulsive rebound marriages. Sounds like that is what your ex does too.

Try to stop looking back- look forward and get out there and meet all the good men waiting for you.

so sorry- not sure how that happened wrong thread.

Yummy-it kind of still fits!

Oh, i definitely drink like a fish too . Maybe that should be where to start with hobbies? Something aquatic?!

When it comes to hobbies, try everything. If opportunities present themselves say 'why not?' and be open to new ideas. You've missed a big chunk of your personal development by going for the childhood sweetheart married with kids cul-de-sac. Now's your chance to find out who you are and what you're good at. Make sure your ex is properly sharing the financial and childcare burden.... so what if it cramps his style and he has nowhere to live? He should have thought it through before screwing around.....

For me it's always been music/theatre. Original drama queen, that's me :)

I would say that my best years were my 30s, OP. So your dickhead of an ex hasn't had yours...he's missed them .

Today, you sound lovely! I have a feeling you have a lot of good years to come, with someone who deserves you!
What about joining a hiking/running or cycling club?

op he hasnt had your best years.

I'm 35 and for me this my time. Comfortable in my own skin, opinions and self worth. Your at your prime ! He could have pulled this shit when you were much older and that would have felt worse.

Def join sports clubs ect... If not just to bloody see the fine specimens that wander around

Wether he can or can't afford to pay CSA, let the CSA decide. You don't owe him any favours.

You will get over him, every day you will get up and carry on. Time is a great healer. Give yourself time to heal. When you don't need a man , your ready to start looking.

When I found out my cunt ex cheated I felt an actual pain in my heart. It was so bad I couldn't breath somtimed. I'm now happily with my saint of a DP with my miricle DD fast asleep up stairs. Hang on in in there.

Really sorry you're going through this, but you've definitely got your best years ahead!

I echo the opinions that say start with social activities and interests first, and dating second. After my wife left me I started dating as an antidote to the loneliness. I ended up stumbling into relationships and subsequently hurting women because, basically, I wasn't ready. I now find myself in a worse position as I've withdrawn further, for fear of hurting someone else, so it's very much just me and the kids.

I wish you all the luck in the world.