So dh left a month ago for another woman...

[todayiamfat]

How and when do i move on?
Now i know it all takes time. We were together 17 years and have 2 dc under 5 together (youngest 18 months and i think the affair has been going on for all that time). He has given up everything for this...bitch (who i know btw) despite the fact we have gone through hell as a family the last couple of years (bereavement, severly ill dc, critically ill and life changing events for him too).

I feel lonely already. I am at the angry stage but i think I've accepted that it is over.

I'm not expecting you to say go and start looking for someone else now. I get i need to spend time on my own with dc and come to terms with things.
But i also feel like i need to know that there is the possibility that i can find someone. That i can attract someone.

I need a vague timeframe as to when i can try dating (i have never dated) and just enjoy any attention really.

And how the hell do i go about that?! I work full time and look after 2 small dcs. At the moment he sees them once a week. I feel completely clueless.

Oh. It may be in my head but i have been trying to think of anyone male who is single in my vague age bracket and can think of no one at all! Where are these single men anway?! I am early 30s and feel like he has had my best years

It's so hard and my heart goes out to you

This time last year, I never thought my situation would improve and I agree with the PP about the physical pain this causes too. My whole body and mind were not in my control.

But - it does get better and you will feel stronger.

I was utterly lost when it happened to me. I had already brought up my DS on my own from age 3 before I met my STBXH so I know how strong lone parents are.

I got help from my GP and then I knew I needed to move forward. I got a calendar and I write every event, date, lunch with girl's, family get togethers - just everything on there and it makes me smile that I am so busy.

I looked into college courses and signed up for a beauty course and a painting and decorating course - sadly I couldn't go ahead with them as the days changed and I couldn't commit.

I started Pilates, have been doing that almost a year now, it's the perfect thing for me. So relaxing for the body and mind and helps with my anxiety too.

I went out with friends, took up any invite and learned how to smile again.

I know how hard it is when you have young children but others are right, he will be spending time with them and that time should be when you fill up your calendar.

Dating - I agree with Cog. It will happen but you need to find yourself first or it will upset you more.

Hold your DCs close, they will be your strength.

Can I suggest a new NN? todayiamme

Oh, thank you so much for the replies.

He is paying a lot lot more than the csa would have him do. But if i go by the csa calculator i won't be able to afford everything.

It's my night off tonight. I am hoping to do something x

Make sure you get the payments formalised while he's still feeling reasonable contrite and generous. Standing order rather than ad hoc payments and preferably followed up with a letter saying 'I have agreed to pay £xxx'.

What's all this 'best years' nonsense! I'm 40 and I'm living my best years now, and intend to do so for the rest of my life, in fact the years ahead will be even better!

Ah bless you.
It's horrible.
So many of us have been there and got the t-shirt.
And here we all here are, further down line and all OK. We've come through it.
My ex left after nearly 15 years together. I was 42 when I met my now OH!
It takes time but you will get there.

Like Cogito says, look into local Am Dram societies. Always a good bunch there.
And... Are you feeling fat?
Are you actually over weight?
If you are then you can join a slimming group.
WW or Slimming World.

Find a local Zumba class. All sorts of ages and abilities and you won't feel out of place.
Or look at evening college courses - a language maybe or a sport, squash, badminton etc....

I'll also back up the notion of getting his contribution in writing now.
Mine stopped paying at all very early on. They soon lose the guilt when the OW is asking why they can't afford to go out etc... They don't want to be subsidising their ex or their own DC. Not all of them of course. Just be careful.

OP I had to reply- I was in a very similar situation 7 months ago. H of 8 years, partner of 15 years left me for OW- no warning, I discovered the affair and he just left. He then seemed to turn into a completely different person!

I think things got easier when I stsrted being firm about the access arrangements- one night a week (the same night) and every other weekend. Then I made sure I had stuff planned for those nights, even if it was just going over to a friend's to drink tea and moan about him while they put their own kids to bed!

After 2 months I decided to give online dating a go, mainly to give me something to distract myself in the evenings! At first I just chatted to a few people, and tbh deleted most of the messages as they were wankers. But it was flattering to get complimentary messages, and quite fun 'browsing' through all the profiles to see who was out there. After a month of just chatting to random people I decided to take the plunge and go on a date- again, just as an ego boost really, I totally didn't expect it to go anywhere. 4 months on we are still together and it's all going pretty well!

Btw I'm 35 with two kids, believe me it didn't put anyone off. Give it a try!

hellsbells I am going tonight to slimming world and totally bricking it! I am about 3 stone over weight and tbh this was always one of his issues (he hasn't dared mention it recently) and i am determind to lose it to say 'fuck you, fucker!'.

More people are finding out at work and in a strange way i have found this comforting. People have been lovely and so far of course, everyone is one my side! He is now more determind to find another job. I am really torn about this. He needs to go. But it's like the final piece of removing him from my life.

I found out today that there is a strong possibilty that our youngest has cystic fibrosis and i am now getting slightly hysterical. It has been on the cards for a while but we now have some results back. How the hell do i deal with more shit? This poor baby was born at 29 weeks and has gone through so much (i did it completely on my own-no support from tosser at all) and now this.

Sorry. Completely off topic

Thanks, avocado. It's these stories i need to hear! I am definitely feeling stronger.

Don't worry OP....I finally threw out the f*head I'd been with for 18 years who had affair after affair, his long term squeeze had his child too, (which was nice).

I was alone for 6 years until I met someone, who's now my gorgeous, hunky DP, 2 years ago and I'm 48. It just happened, as I'm sure it will for you too. Best years? Pah! They're in front of you, take it from me.

You'll make some good friends at SW as well as loosing the weight you want to loose - for yourself I hope. It's very empowering seeing the transformation. I lost nearly 4st in just under a year. I was in a very bad place - different reasons, but still grim - and it was transformational. My group are now wonderful friends. Enjoy it!

Well it was certainly interesting!

I am so proud for actually making that first step. He must have called or text about 6 times during the 2 hours i was there.

Thank your for all your supportive replies

Gosh early 30s - you definitely have your best years to come!
of course it is tough with the DC, But... you have your DC.
And it a million times better to have your lovely DC than come out of a relationship in late 30s or early 40s without DC...
The OD will give you a big ego boost, but don't rush into a heavy relationship - as others have said, just enjoy being YOU, and let eh DC father have as much contact as possible, while you do stuff for YOU...

2bemused OP was with her partner for 17 years. THat's commitment in my book. This is not the time to kick her.

i felt the same as you .
i was heart broken i went in a dark place i got angry then i stopped and dusted myself down and got on with it, i sorted myself and the kids out i went to csa i sorted money i went to court i got the house i went on dating site and i got me a real man who ive been seeing for 9 months and boy oh boy does he not like it x
he hurt you it hurts so much but with time and no matter how much time it takes as we are all different you will be ok , you will be happy ,i promise xxxxx

2B not sure i follow? The dickhead went nearly 6 weeks ago .

I've just realised i am not probably classed as early 30s anymore! I am 34 as of last month!

The problem is, i have never had 'me' time. If I was ever able to choose what i wanted to do in time off, it would always be to spend time with him and dc. I think that is why i am struggling a bit. I don't even know what i like doing.

I think it's just wanting to be happy. I've had such an awful couple of years and it just never ends. Today news about dc2 has had me reeling. How do people cope when more crap is thrown at them?

Quickest way to lose weight is to get rid of him - instant 12 stone lighter!

I'm sorry about your DC. We had lots of traumas, particularly with babies and bereavement before my STBXH started his affair. It was just one thing after another hitting me and knocking me back in a spectacular way.

How do people cope? We just do - mainly for our DCs.

*was to get rid of him

Oh fuck off 2b they were a family. Lots of people don't get married, it doesn't mean they are not committed.

How you feeling op? Sorry for your news on youngest. Life plays us some bastard cards sometimes.

I lost weight with SW and my cousin got slimmer of the year! Good luck with it!!!

Eat what you like tomorrow - start Saturday

It's a horrible time I know only too well but please take a bit of advice. I read allow yourself 1 month for every year you were together....and we were together over 30 years and do you know that felt just about right.

In that time I accepted every invite and had a blast.

I wouldn't get involved with anyone too soon. Get time to know yourself . You will be amazed at how strong and independent it makes you.

I did lots of travelling, spoiled my grandchildren and remodelled my house.

When my divorce came through in 2008 I saw it as a clean break. I put myself on a dating website and had two dates. The first was a lovely man but he clicked with someone else and the second is to be my husband next year.

I was 56 when I met him.

I'm not quite going to be the worlds oldest bride but I will be 63. We are having a destination wedding and it will be almost 40 years to the day since I last tripped up the aisle.

I'm very much in love and it's been like that for 6 years. We are each others best friends, together 24/7 and very happy.

We have travelled in the uk loads and in that time have been abroad 12 times.

My family think the world of him.

So, don't you worry. You are going to be just fine and you don't even have to wreak revenge. Live well. Live happily. Live positively. It all gets sorted out.

Don't wish any ill will on him, believe me life comes full circle.

Be very careful if you do decide to jump into dating quickly. When you have been hurt like you have, you can sometimes have your judgement clouded when it comes to men. You are vulnerable and sometimes people can spot this and try to exploit it. Personally I would recommend doing as others have said, take up a hobby and maybe put dating on hold until you have had chance to absorb what has happened to you. Good luck with SW if you decide to go. Feeling good about yourself is the way to find happiness with life and I don't just mean a new man.

Dowser, congratulations!

Good advice. I am very very bitter. My anger is aimed so much at her-i know this is wrong (she went on playdates with our dc and listened to me talk about how hard the last year had been with no support and an ill baby) and should be directed at dickhead.

Even if their relationship lasts, it can't possibly be what i would say is healthy and happy. All families involved are angry. All dc are under 6 and really struggling (hers more than mine). Many friends are lost. The way they are going they will have no job between them and even a place to live. The details of both of their betrayal is actually shocking as both families were going through extremely difficult times. Of course it's not them who are affected.

Can you tell it is raw ?

I don't want to go into too much detail as in reality it doesn't matter about the details. The end result is the same.

But i do love the positive stories. It has certainly made me feel less lonely tonight.