Help - I don't want to go back to work!

[greedygal]

That is it. . .I am a SAHM. DH is a wonderful provider and earns well. We do not need 2 salaries to have a good life and I understand how incredibaly fortunate we are right now. We have 2 Dc's age 4.10 (DD) & 2 (DS). I found being an (unplanned) SAHM tiresome, draining, relentless and arduous. It nearly killed me off.

However, I am becoming fond of my role, even relishing in it. The DC's are older and not about tantrums, 'I want', 'I don't want', 'I do it myself', 'can we have', poo explosions, meltdowns, almighty emotions e.t.c. They are funny, interesting little people and just what I dreamed of!

DH repeatedly speaks of when I go back to work. My previous career is dead as it was specialist so the work I may get will be through retraining for a new career. I cant help but procrastinate with any career path because our money situation is sound (for now).

My main problem is that I make money through a London property I bought before we met. It is making the same amount of money as I would if I worked minus all the childcare/travel/Lunch costs. So there is nothing to propel me to get my ass in gear.

I know Im being lazy so would like to hear opinions.

I doubt that you're lazy if you're at home with a 2 year old and a child in Reception.

I have always worked, mostly ft, and that has been the right choice for me, particularly as I value my ability to be financially independent. You have that from your flat to some degree but I would be wary of relying on this forever.

I would use this time to think about what you'd like to do in the longer term and perhaps start re-training once your youngest accesses their 15 hours of free nursery education.

Being a sahm to 2 young children is not lazy! I don't get it, do you mean your husband wants you to work or is he happy for you to be a sahm?

One thing: if you and your dh split up what will you do then?

Whatever you do, do not give up your financial potential. You never know what might happen in the future. If you can afford it then consider retraining in a career you will love.

Maybe your dh wants you to have your career incase things go pete tong (cynical I know) but you just don't know whats around the corner!

Would he mind if you didn't return to work? Have you mentioned it?

Maybe your husband is assuming you'd like to go back work one day to keep your brain engaged, and to have an interest which isn't all about home, kids and husband?

Still, if you are earning the equivalent of a full-time salary from the property, that's making quite a contribution towards the family finances, and you don't even have to get out of bed every day and commute for it.

Next time he mentions it why don't you say "Oh, I might not" and see what his response is?

I loathe drip feeding but here I go - I missed out 2 vital pieces of information.

My Dh is pestering me to

1. either get what will most definitely be a low paid job now OR
2. retrain and get a paid job within the next year.

The other thing is that DD is in reception full-time & DS is in Nursery 2 full days per week. We have no family help & Im a virtual single mum 5/6 days per week.

I just don't want to go back to work! Everything has just fallen into place & life is lovely. . .

.

Mmmm I think you should get a job. Of course it is lovely. My two DC are a similar age and they're at school/preschool so there's more free time. However I work!

What if your DH wants to downshift his job? Are you pooling finances? Maybe he feels the balance is unfair....

Why does DH want you to get a job, specifically?

I do understand the not wanting to go back, but is it really OK to just assume your Dh will support you for the rest of his life. Look at it if it was the other way round and he said, yeah I'm not going back to work. Don't fancy it. You're OK being the sole earner right ?

He's not OK with it you can't just expect him to support you ???

Tell him that then. You don't want to work and you don't need to. Why is he pushing you? OTOH keep your options open. You might get bored.

Oh and your not a " virtual single mum" you have a Dh supporting you ! If you were a single mum you would have to work !

Lady whether they need to or not is irrelevant. Can you imagine if this were a guy posting this !!

I don't think there is enough honesty about how horrendously difficult it CAN be - not always of course - to build up a career again after taking time out to be a SAHM. my personal experience is that I would always want to maintain financial independence (also I earn more than DH so we can't afford for me not to work) in your position though I would take some time to decide what you want to do and use your existing rental income and time they are in school / nursery to pursue it.

Make him a detailed spreadsheet of all the days and times he will be required to be available for the children such as Inset days, sickness, special assemblies, parent,teacher meetings. List every single school holiday. Add up the costs of wrap around day care for both children. Then add in cleaning costs. Then add division of household tasks and costs of cleaners etc.

Add in the costs for easily prepared meals for all and an ironing service.

Then ensure that he understands that these costs will be shared, not just get paid from your salary.

Mention at this point that you rather love being a sahm and how lucky you both are.

Enjoy it while you can! Have you told DH that he'll have to step up if you do retrain or work? That might magically change his mind.

I think you should talk to your DH about his reasons for wanting you to go back to work. It sounds like you are fine financially, so is he thinking about your mental well being? I think you probably will get bored once both are at school, but why on earth would you give up having a sahp if you as a household can afford it and you are happy? Makes no sense. If you work , life will become much more complicated. Which is of course worth it if you want / need to work, but if you don't , then it's just silly. But you really need to talk to your DH.

I'm not seeing the issue.

You property is effectively earning you a full time wage. You're contributing to the 'pot' through that. You being at home is saving you money on childcare and I'm guessing you're also doing a good bit of the cooking, cleaning, etc.

Speak to your DH. It doesn't seem very fair for him to pester you back into work under these circumstances. You can afford to stay at home and you have rental income to contribute.

I'm a single parent and only work part time. Now granted, money is a constant worry for me and if somebody offered me a full time job tomorrow, I'd grab it with both hands for purely financial reasons. But I love working part time. I get the best of all worlds - a little bit of money, lots of personal free time, time with my dd, etc. I'm there for every assembly, every school play, most inset days. I don't miss anything.

I never imagined being the type who wanted to stay home and play mum, but it turns out, I am. And were I ever to settle down in the future and have more children, I would make it clear from day one that I wanted to stay home/work part time if the finances allowed it

Are you contributing to a pension of your own? You are not paying NI so you need to be paying into a private pension otherwise you'll get nothing when you're old.

Your children are little for so short a time. You say you are enjoying their company and I bet they are enjoying yours!

There is plenty of time to go back to work / retrain when they are older and in school so why put yourself and everyone else under the stress of juggling work and family life, when you don't need to, especially if you are contributing financially through your property you own.

Talk it through with your DH. Does he understand you are not being lazy and you doing what is ultimately best for you, him and your kids?

Why is your Dh so keen to see you back at work?

It's not unreasonable for your DH to want you to work - it's stressful being the only earner in the family. Why should you have a lovely life while he's working presumably pretty hard and with a fair degree of stress and responsibility if he's able to provide comfortably and allow you to be a SAHM at the moment?

Have you asked your DH to make arrangements so that he can do half of all the school runs, meals and bedtimes, taking the kids to their activities, buying their clothes, taking time off every other time they are ill and managing the holidays - and of course half the running of the house as well?

You think you've got it good - he's also living the dream with someone to run his house and family for him.

But let me guess. He expects you to get some kind of 'pin money' job so that you can flex everything you do around the family, whilst he makes no changes whatsoever?

Read an blog article recently, but can't find it now unfortunately, about what a luxury it is for the man to have a sahm taking care of all the household stuff so they can relax out of work. Find out why he wants you to go back to work and what he's not happy about with the current arrangements. Maybe you can make some different changes that keep you both happy.
I went back to work part time when mine were a year old, which felt right at the time. I never envisaged being a sahm but now feel like I'm reaching the same point as you and I'm missing out on the fun! Not particularly enjoying my job as much as I used to either. It's relatively easy at the moment with nursery open all year round, but when I see colleagues struggling to cover school holidays I'm wondering whether it's worth the stress if we don't need the money.

"I either get what will most definitely be a low paid job now OR retrain and get a paid job within the next year."

But your youngest child is only TWO! There's no reason on earth why you should be getting your backside into paid work until the youngest is in full-time school!

I like what Matildathecat suggested. If you work full-time who is going to cover picking the kids up at 3pm, the school holidays, half-term, illness and all the rest, him? Child-friendly-hours-jobs are like bloody gold-dust.

Is there some sub-text to his demand here? Because on the face of it he's not being reasonable or realistic at all.

You bring in the same salary as you would after childcare, travel etc. There is no need for you to work.

Have you sat down with your H and had a clear lay your cards on the table chat about all the things tribot mentions? If you are working equal hours he has to do 50% housework,, 50% shopping, 50% child sick days, 50% school runs, 50% childcare costs (these are joint costs as they are joint children they don't just come out of 'your' income).

There is absolutely no gain for you in taking a low paid job. Just stress of juggling everything for money that will be wiped out covering the extra childcare you need.

The best thing you can do is to look into some education/training for when your second DC is in full time schooling in 3 years. Even then he will have his share of the division of labour then. Heck even then if you are bringing in the equivalent of a salary through a property you wouldn't need to work unless you wanted to!