Help - I don't want to go back to work!

[greedygal]

That is it. . .I am a SAHM. DH is a wonderful provider and earns well. We do not need 2 salaries to have a good life and I understand how incredibaly fortunate we are right now. We have 2 Dc's age 4.10 (DD) & 2 (DS). I found being an (unplanned) SAHM tiresome, draining, relentless and arduous. It nearly killed me off.

However, I am becoming fond of my role, even relishing in it. The DC's are older and not about tantrums, 'I want', 'I don't want', 'I do it myself', 'can we have', poo explosions, meltdowns, almighty emotions e.t.c. They are funny, interesting little people and just what I dreamed of!

DH repeatedly speaks of when I go back to work. My previous career is dead as it was specialist so the work I may get will be through retraining for a new career. I cant help but procrastinate with any career path because our money situation is sound (for now).

My main problem is that I make money through a London property I bought before we met. It is making the same amount of money as I would if I worked minus all the childcare/travel/Lunch costs. So there is nothing to propel me to get my ass in gear.

I know Im being lazy so would like to hear opinions.

You contribute a full time salary plus full time Childcare and 'house work'.

Does he realise how lucky he is?!

Pretend you're single. Not for any other reason except you're fortunate you aren't. Do you need to work? If you do, you should. So that you know you can.

Also, work isn't horrible or a drag if it's a good job you enjoy.

I don't think you are being lazy, but it is risky. You might just get a "pin money" job and let your DH see the impact on the family. He will have to step up.

Ok, being charitable to your DH for a moment, does he realise that your views have changed? If he's heard you complaining about being a SAHM for 4 years it's hardly surprising that now your youngest is older he's nudging you to work.

Does he understand the economics of it? Write it down in bald terms - cost of retraining, cost of commuting, likely salary after tax, cost of cleaner/wrap around child care/whatever you'll need to keep your life running smoothly?

Or, less charitably, does he think you're being lazy? Swop roles for a week (go away for a long weekend or something). See what he says then.

I'm all for women maintaining a career and financial independence, but if you are financially independent and don't want to return to your previous career I can't see the point in rushing into a low paid job right now.

Are you sure you know what's going on with your family finances? No chance he's run up some debt or similar? Is his job secure or is he feeling twitchy?

If I were you I'd look into maximising that property income - reinvest ina second property perhaps - and look at training options. But I'd give yourself a good long time frame, prob about 2 years, to complete any training etc

Could you use the two Nursery days for a PT course in something that interests you? With a view to taking up work once the little one is at full time school?

Id also bring up a discussion with dh about the practicalities of you working - he will.need to start doing food shops, childcare, housework (or more of it if he already does bits).

Calculate how much it will be for wrap arou d care for two, plus ft school holiday care and show him the figure - you would need to earn more than this to make this upheaval worth all your while.

They won't stay small forever, now is the time to start thinking about what you want to do in the future. You are very fortunate to have the extra income from your property but unless you have it ring fenced, it will be considered a joint asset in a split. Things change, never give up your ability to earn.

I'd also bloody make it clear that you retraining will mean less time for you to be taking up his slack. Being a SAHM is very advantageous for him, I'm guessing he's only pushing so hard because he assumes nothing will change for him, silly man.

Um, I actually don't think your DP is being unreasonable at ALL, and it sounds like you are being precious and spoiled about the whole thing.

Is your income from the property rental equal to your husband's wage? Or the main source of income for the family? If not, then why on earth should your husband be the one to shoulder all the responsibility of finances for the family, whilst you get to hang out at home.

You cannot ask one person to take all the pressure of earning for the whole family if there is no need for it. It is selfish. Perhaps your husband might like the be the stay at home parent for a bit?

Perhaps you could discuss alternatives with him though, which would be a compromise. You will need to draw up realistic (not exaggerated) table of how this would effect both your lives.

I would suggest that you will re train or whatever, and start part time employment until both children are in full time school, at which point you will go full time.

That way you are still getting back into the workforce, your husband gets some breathing space, you still have time to spend lots of time with the children, etc.

Wow wish i had that attitude i completely envy women who get to work and find being at home is not good for my confidence. Ill health has just stopped me in my tracks when it comes to career.

I don't really get the problem here - but i am a man.

If you don't need the money and don't want to work - why should you have to go back to work? Getting a low paid job is just ridiculous if you don't need to and retraining for something now when your children are young doesn't make any sense to me either. You could spend the time at home during holidays with kids, have time with them before and after school. That time is priceless and to lose all that for a job that you don't want or need doesn't add up to me.

I think you need to find out why your husband wants you to go back to work - ie the specific reasons.

I know some peoples attitudes are "well I work so you should too" but I think you do what's best for your family in your specific circumstances. Time spent with the kids is way more valuable than time spent at work.

fyi - I work and my wife is a stay at home mum. She could work if she wanted to and does sometimes talk about getting a part time job but i leave that down to her. Money isn't an issue and what she'd earn in a week I earn in a couple of hours so there's no point. The extra hassle for her wouldn't make it worthwhile. I wouldn't ever think - well I have a job so you should too. I like her being happy.

Is it possible your husband is thinking of leaving? I know that's a horrible thing to suggest but it was my first though when I heard he said 'in the next year'. Sounds like he's working to a timetable you're unaware of. If I'm barking up the wrong tree, ignore me!

You need to talk to your DH and explain the impact of you going back to work. He'll have to pay out 50% of childcare, cover 50% of schoolruns, sick days, parents evenings/assemblies/sports days etc, and do more around the house (assuming you do the majority as you're home all the time).

I can see both sides. He probably thinks you have it easy at home and he probably hasn't thought about the impact on him (and his career) if you go back to work. If you didn't want to be a SAHP at first, he probably also thinks that you'll WANT to go back and he probably thinks he's just being supportive.

Talk to him - make a list of pros/cons if necessary and tell him that you feel you'll be worse off financially (and in terms of a family - less family time if you both have to work and organise childcare), and see what he thinks.

As the only breadwinner I can see why he may want you to work. I appreciate what my DH does for us as a family and all the time it takes but I absolutely hate being the only earner with no option to choose to slow down my career, reduce my hours etc. It maybe that he feels the same and wants to have more money to save for retirement etc so that he isn't working flat out forever?

Totally understand you wanting to stay at home too though. It's a tricky balance.

I also second finding out why he wants you to go back to work. You are already bringing in the equivalent of an employed income a month through your property asset and I guess you probably do all the domestic work and childcare. If you did go back to work in a low-paid role, I struggle to see how you would be financially better off if you needed to pay for childcare.

Do you have full access to both your finances? Reason I ask is that I would want to make sure there wasn't something I didn't know about: debts etc.

While I agree that I'm very suspicious of your dh's motives (maintenance avoidance?) and you need to get to the bottom of that, personally I can't see being a sahm is a long term career option, because it isn't. Even if you stayed mostly at home until both dcs finish primary school, what then? You would still have 20 working years left. You need to find something you want to do when your kids don't need you. Do you think they'll respect you or relate to you when they're older if they don't see you working at some point? So maybe the time horizon is wrong, but the essential point is you do need a plan.

Maybe he is feeling put upon...

Maybe he has seen you change and wonders if he should be supporting you to get the old you back, so you don't have any regrets.

Maybe he has no idea you love being a SAHM and feels he should be helping you get 'back to normal'.

You won't ever know, unless you start talking to him instead of letting his suggestions fester, fed by the weirdly damning earlier posts about him working on an exit strategy!!!

Get a grip, sit down and discuss it with him. Neither of you is wholly right or wrong, you need to work out that reasonable compromise you can both live with!

The only breadwinner in a marriage has a huge burden having a family dependant on them. It's not unfair of your husband to want you to contribute financially. I'm sure he'd rather not have the stress of a high paying job, stay at home and send you out to work to fund him.

You do seem to be seeing the situation only from your position so try and step outside your insulated cosy world and look at it from your husbands shoes.

and don't force the issue by accidentally becoming upduffed, that would be a mistake..........

Umm WildBill - she has a 2 year-old that she is looking after and another child around the school hours. Where do they go whilst she is at work?

It's this attitude that implies that providing childcare for your own children is not an important role that really annoys me. She is lucky that she really enjoys it. Would it be better if she found it boring and monotonous? Some people love their jobs too.

Also, as she pointed out she is also bringing in an income with her property.

I think you need to have an honest chat with your husband and tell him that you don't want to go back to work yet. It's not his decision to make for you.

Gen35 - Do you think they'll respect you or relate to you when they're older if they don't see you working at some point?

She is working. She is just not working in an office-type environment. If she was going to a nursery and looking after other people's children you would see it as work. Or if she cleaned other people's houses it would be considered work, or cooked other people's meals, or shopped for them etc. Just because you are not paid does not mean it is not work.

Again though, she is also bringing in an income from a property she owns!

Hopefully, her children will grow up to respect her because she has been there for them every day; to wipe their arses, pick them up from school, do their homework with them, look after them when they are ill etc etc.

I am planning to go back to work when my youngest goes to school but I will be bringing them up not to judge people on the job that they do. I believe bringing up children is a partnership and the importance of the roles played in a family can't be evaluated in financial terms.

Also, as she pointed out she is also bringing in an income with her property.

Isn't that an asset of the marriage? Maybe it's ring-fenced but if so then would it be fair for a DH to be making his contribution to a married household via the rent on "his property"?

I think you misunderstood - I wasn't saying she wasn't working/contributing now, hence my referring to her plans for when her dc are done w primary school - otoh if you mean hanging around the house 5 days a week while both dc are in secondary school then we'll have to agree to disagree.

Also this property income is contributing but clearly her dh still feels he's the main breadwinner, however happy you are with your role, both parties have to be agreed otherwise the relatjonship's in trouble. Hopefully op has talked to her DH to get to the bottom of this.

I haven't read all the replies, so forgive me if I'm repeating, but I've been in a very similar situation to you for a while now (and I'm finally planning to go back to work next year when my little one starts FT school).

My arguments have always been:

1. I haven't worked for x years (its now seven - eek!) and who the hell would employ me at a salary that would cover the cost of childcare?
2. DS1 is at school from 8.30-3.30. What job is those hours or less?
3. School holidays and half terms (a total of 16 weeks per year for us) - what do we do then?
4. DH works long hours, takes business trips for up to a week at a time, and goes out after work at least once a week. One of us HAS to be around for the DC and available when they're ill;
5. All the jobs I do during the week that mean we can have nice, chore-free weekends and really improves our quality of life;
6. The fact that if I worked I would be stressed, exhausted and not the nice mummy and wife I am most of the time now - I'd be run ragged and this would have a negative impact on our life. Our house would also be dirtier and untidier and the DC would be less well cared for. It would be unavoidable because I simply could not do all I do now in significantly fewer hours.