Help - I don't want to go back to work!

[greedygal]

That is it. . .I am a SAHM. DH is a wonderful provider and earns well. We do not need 2 salaries to have a good life and I understand how incredibaly fortunate we are right now. We have 2 Dc's age 4.10 (DD) & 2 (DS). I found being an (unplanned) SAHM tiresome, draining, relentless and arduous. It nearly killed me off.

However, I am becoming fond of my role, even relishing in it. The DC's are older and not about tantrums, 'I want', 'I don't want', 'I do it myself', 'can we have', poo explosions, meltdowns, almighty emotions e.t.c. They are funny, interesting little people and just what I dreamed of!

DH repeatedly speaks of when I go back to work. My previous career is dead as it was specialist so the work I may get will be through retraining for a new career. I cant help but procrastinate with any career path because our money situation is sound (for now).

My main problem is that I make money through a London property I bought before we met. It is making the same amount of money as I would if I worked minus all the childcare/travel/Lunch costs. So there is nothing to propel me to get my ass in gear.

I know Im being lazy so would like to hear opinions.

Op, your family would have the property income whether you worked or not.

What is your longer term plan? If you want to work when they are both at school - well, that's possibly within the next two years, right, depending when your younger one was born? If you might want to do training that's tied to the academic year, you've already missed this September. I think your DH is trying to plan, which seems fair.

What does your dh do? Does he realise the cost of childcare, is he happy to start doing 50% of looking after dc and household.
If not tell him to forget it.
I am a sahm and have been for soooo many years, but dh is happy to let me do what I decide to do, although I believe he is happiest with me at home. He would equally support me though if I wanted to work.

Your dh needs to be realistic as you have not worked in a while it may not be so easy to get a job and the extra stuff he will be expected to do may be too much for him if he works many hours and has a commute.

Is there any chance your DH is worried about his own job security?

It's a heavy burden to support the household. I'm presuming here that if your DH lost his job, your rental income wouldn't be enough to support you all.

I'd be worried that he's thinking he might lose his job, or be demoted, and therefore needs you to earn more so that the pressure is off a bit.

I can see that your life looks lovely. His doesn't, though, if he's worried about money.

Your husband is incredibly lucky that you have a private income that means he's not supporting the family alone.

He doesn't get to dictate how you choose to parent your kids.

My sister had a highflying career in investment banking, and planned to go back to work some time after the birth of her first child. Once she had him though her priorities totally changed and she decided she couldn't leave him. Two more children later and she's SAHM to 3 children of 10, 8 and 6.

There are so many benefits for children having a mother at home FT, and if you can afford it and you want to do it, there's no earthly reason why you should get a piddling part time job when you could be looking after your still very young kids, with zero financial gain.

Personally I think 2 is too young to leave anyway, unless you havre no choice.

You do need to speak to your dh and agree a plan that you are both happy with. One word of warning - be very clear that when you work he will be sharing childcare expenses, days off work when a child is sick, holiday care, school drop off etc with you. And housework. The degree to which they'll be shared depends on your work hours but don't end up in a dead end job that just covers childcare and still be doing everything to keep the household running.

I was at home for 6 years (until youngest went to school) and only returned to work part-time last year. Dh has always been supportive of me staying at home/returning to work in theory. In practice, he has found the reality of having to call his office and tell them he's not going to be in cause ds1 is sick, or having to leave early to pick them up from after school club cause I have to work late difficult - and my job is very flexible and we have nearby family to call on to support us.

You really need to have this out with your DH and find out exactly why he wants you to get a job.

Does he resent you being at home while he goes out to work?
Is he worried about his own job security?

I echo previous comments regarding the impact on him in terms of dropping and collecting, taking time off for illness, and extra responsibilities at home.

I have always worked full time (no choice, but don't really mind), but can see the benefits of having a parent at home.

You are already contributing financially through your investment, combined with savings on childcare so it does seem crazy to go out to work.

Perhaps you could start looking at options for retraining, though, just to make sure you could get a job if circumstances changed.

You are both incredibly lucky to be in a position of choice.

However this type of thing is not your decision alone. Nor is it his. You have to talk about it. Maybe he is struggling with the burden of being the financial provider? Maybe he wants to reduce his hours so that you can share the childcare? It's not fair for his to force you to work but it's equally not fair for you to refuse without considering his view. You are a partnership.

If your DH went under a bus tomorrow / ran off with his fancy woman - could you feed, clothe and house yourself and your dc until they leave home? If the answer to that is 'no' then you are in a vulnerable position - no matter how comfortable it is right now.

Agree with flapjacksmad. Your children are still very young. You've got the rest of your life to work. Why not have a chat with your husband and figure out a compromise. If you can afford to be at home for the next five years, why not agree to review it then?
What's the point of your husband working away all the time if the family as a whole don't benefit from you being around either?!

What Jeneau said. If you've always been a SAHM mum then he has no idea how stressful two working parents is or how much it will effect him as he'll have to start doing 50%. If for some reason he doesn't think he will have to do 50% then you have a problem that needs to be resolved in his attitude towards you. So he sees you enjoying being a SAHM at last and then wants you back to work. Shouldn't he be happy that you are happy and agree that a bit of time to enjoy yourself might actually be a good thing before the kids start school when your childcare costs would be less if you went. Back to work then.

you are NOT lay, you are LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY!

so you make the same money from your investements as if you worked? and you enjoy being a SAHM? then stay- I think children massivly benefit from having a parent at home

exactly why does he want you towork???

but, alway sworth having a Plan B if you split up...

lazy, not lay!

But if OP worked and then saved or invested the income from the property, maybe DH could retire earlier and enjoy a happier life too.

This does need to be a joint discussion.

I don't understand - if DH wants you to get a low paid job, how on earth does he think you will get childcare covered?

In your shoes I would not be taking a low paid job. It isn't what you want and you have no financial worries so why would you do it?

I would be more inclined to think about re training but I would see this as a long term strategy to get me back into well paid part time work when the Dc were a lot older. Or for when I got tired of my controlling DH telling me what to do!

You have an income so you are able to contribute to family life and have independent finances.

It just sounds pretty odd to me that he is pressurising you like this.

Agree with Hamptoncourt, surely a low paid job won't cover childcare costs for the younger child? Does your DH have reasons other than financial for wanting you to go back to work?

The property thing makes this a bit complicated. Normally it would seem clear that it's only fair to be a SAHP if both partners agree. But as others have said, that's assuming he would step up to share chores, sickness cover etc.

I'm starting to have jitters about not having a career any more. I'm on a career break at the moment but I'm going to make it very clear to my husband what it will mean if I go back AND if I don't go back. I think maybe it's right that at some point, you may probably want to renter the scary world of work. It's probably only another three years or so away when they have both flown the next to school. And three years is the length of a new degree even if you did it full time. But a crappy job is the ultimatum and to me that is just a waste of your time and sounds like your oh is just jealous.

If I were you I'd get some kind of part-time job to ensure your CV stays fresh. You never know, you may be forced to work at some point and you don't want to just say that you haven't worked for x amount of years. Keep your hand in.

I was in a similar situation- I went back to work once my youngest was in full time school. Unfortunately by that point, dh was xh.

He had a high flying job working away a lot when we were together and we had no childcare support plus a child with additional needs and my family a long way away. I could never figure out why he nagged me relentlessly to get a job which would only have made my tough situation harder and would have generated no income after childcare costs.

The irony is he pays generous maintenance and has never deducted because of my own earnings. I still wonder what it was all about. His new wife is a sahm and I often wonder if he pressures her the same way he did me.