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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't think DP likes me doing my own thing

51 replies

SofaSpud · 07/10/2014 14:46

Long story short, I find it difficult to tell my DP of 15 years when I have arranged to do something without him. I've told him I am doing a car boot sale on Sunday with my brother but now my mum and sis also want me to meet them on Friday for a drink.

I'm telling my DPtonightthat I'm also busy on Friday and will report his reaction so I can assess if he is BU or if this anxiety is all in my head.

That’s all.

OP posts:
EvaTheOptimist · 07/10/2014 14:51

Do you have kids - and therefore is the issue "I need you to look after the kids while I do XYZ?"

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 07/10/2014 14:53

How can we answer? You don't like telling him, that says absolutely nothing about who is wrong.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/10/2014 14:55

As a long term couple one or both of you might have drifted away from friends in 15 years, do you have your own interests and hobbies? I wouldn't have thought a few hours apart within 36 hours would be too much for him to bear.

Original poster
SofaSpud · 07/10/2014 14:56

No we both have kids from PR's but all young adult's now. I think the issue is that it takes away from our time together

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 07/10/2014 14:56

Sounds a bit odd to be honest.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/10/2014 14:57

Sounds a bit suffocating. Has he always been like this?

Original poster
SofaSpud · 07/10/2014 15:01

Thanks all.Smile mymum, I'm hoping to detail his reaction afterwards. This is like a little diary to see if it actually is 'all in my head' . He has never had any friends. I'm close with a few female family members. No hobbies.

OP posts:
Original poster
SofaSpud · 07/10/2014 15:03

Yes it used to be worse actually. After ultimatums there was to be no more issue about me doing things but I fear an atmosphere. He's v insecure.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/10/2014 15:06

His insecurity is his problem, not yours, and you shouldn't allow it to dictate how you spend your time.

If you were always out without him then that wouldn't be right, but spending a portion of your time doing separate things is part of a normal healthy relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2014 15:08

I doubt very much that its all in your head actually; he is the one projecting all his rubbish onto you in terms of his own insecurity. Does he think you're going to run off with someone else if you are out with your own family members?.

Controlling men with no friends and hobbies do this type of stuff to their chosen victim all too well.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/10/2014 15:11

Sulks or silent treatment about you socialising separately - not even 'socialising' as such if it's a car boot sale at some ungodly hour - isn't fair. Different if your diary is permanently full of activities away from him.

loloftherings · 07/10/2014 15:17

You will know if it's BU not us.
DP doesn't mind me going out doing my own thing.
I don't mind DP doing their own thing.
But if it's two nights in a row, or 3 nights out of 4, or at short notice one of us might grump a bit.
Or is it more than this?

JassyRadlett · 07/10/2014 15:22

Deal with it now or you may end up like my PILs. MIL can't even babysit for her own (local) grandchildren without PIL being there, or he gets upset/angry.

Which would be fine if he was willing to go along too without making a massive production out of it.

Joysmum · 07/10/2014 15:50

Do you know he doesn't like you doing things without him?

My DH thought I didn't want him doing things without him when actually that wasn't the case at all and it all came out when I had a pop at him for having no life and how unhealthy I thought it was and how guilty it made me feel because I wanted to do things without him and didn't feel able.

It was one big misunderstanding and having the talk was enough to settle it. Smile

Original poster
SofaSpud · 07/10/2014 16:35

Thanks for all opinions. He's lovely in most other ways. It's just me dreading telling him this small thing that I know is not normal and i want to get to the bottom of it. Particularly as kids are now leading own lives. We do loads together but yes he is terrified I will run off with someone else! I'm quite a bit younger than him too. ...

OP posts:
Original poster
SofaSpud · 07/10/2014 16:36

Also he wfh and sees our weekend's as precious

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 07/10/2014 16:38

No it is not normal. Precious weekends? What do you do together on a weekend that is so precious?

loloftherings · 07/10/2014 16:43

Maybe he just values the time you get to spend together.
Weekends with the family are kind of precious when everyone is working all week.

Original poster
SofaSpud · 07/10/2014 16:44

Nothing terribly exciting. Eat out, walk dogs, lie in, watch films, have a few drinks...

OP posts:
motherinferior · 07/10/2014 16:47

YANBU.

I would go stark screaming mad if I had to spend all the weekend with my partner. Who is a very nice bloke.

Original poster
SofaSpud · 07/10/2014 16:52

I like spending all weekend with him! Just need it to be ok when I choose not to. It could very well be me that has an irrational fear of upsetting him.

OP posts:
TeaForTara · 07/10/2014 17:07

Have you cheated on him or given him reason to doubt you in the past? In which case obviously he would have trust issues. But if not, then it sounds like he IBU.

Does he have the same reaction to week night outings as weekends? Do you work? If so, is he OK with that?

Like you say, post his reaction when you tell him tonight and then we can have a better idea.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/10/2014 17:10

Look, there are no DC to be babysat, your DP is an adult and does not need babysitting, and you do not need his permission to have a life.
I would have dumped a loser like him years ago: a partner who wants to sit on the sofa and stare at you all weekend a ghastly prospect. If he's got good points, just tell him with a bright smile that you're going out, and go. If he sulks and strops, look into dumping him.

OneSkinnyChip · 07/10/2014 17:13

If you even have to ask the question or evaluate his reaction then something is badly wrong here. If he creates an atmosphere because you want to do your own thing now and again that isn't on. I could understand him being pissed off if you were out all weekend and every weekend because it would imply that you don't like spending any time with him. Having a life of your own outside him is normal and healthy.

OPohdear · 07/10/2014 17:24

Is he welcome to come with you on Friday? If so, problem solved!

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