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Original poster

I don't think DP likes me doing my own thing

51 replies

SofaSpud · 07/10/2014 14:46

Long story short, I find it difficult to tell my DP of 15 years when I have arranged to do something without him. I've told him I am doing a car boot sale on Sunday with my brother but now my mum and sis also want me to meet them on Friday for a drink.

I'm telling my DPtonightthat I'm also busy on Friday and will report his reaction so I can assess if he is BU or if this anxiety is all in my head.

That’s all.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2014 17:58

"We do loads together but yes he is terrified I will run off with someone else!"

But after 15 years you have not and he still thinks you're going to leave for someone else. That's his issue, not yours. In his mind it is NOT ok that you are going out and without him. He thinks you're going to run off with another man.

And if you were to properly think about it he's really not all that lovely in many other ways either. SGB is right; this man should have been gone years ago. You deserve a better man than this one you've ended up with.

That unwarranted fear of his is driving the underlying paranoia he has. He would honestly only be "happy" (and I use that term advisedly because such controlling men are hard work and never happy with their partner or his own self) if he kept you at home and within sight all the time. He basically wants you to stay at home and have no life at all outside.

I would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

whatisforteamum · 07/10/2014 19:07

Interesting thread my DD 17 and had this conversation this w end.I am not a party girl and prefer to do occasional things with DH although not all the time.This yr he decided to go out so much although the new golf was once a month this snowballed to more and on key dates that hols were out of the question.I have to say OP that someone who tells you their plans mins before they go out ie dashing off to footy twice when DD had cooked a meal is infuriating.
DH does it to save an argument but guess what it just shows a lack of consideration to others in the family that could make their own plans or settle down for a film and a drink if they were kept in the loop.DH has messed up the whole summer by omitting the truth.

OPohdear · 08/10/2014 10:59

So what happened OP?

Hatespiders · 08/10/2014 11:15

Whatever we think, you're obviously troubled by his attitude.

It's odd he has no friends or hobbies, and just wants to hang around you all weekend.

As long as one gives adequate notice of an activity (not sprung on him at he last moment) it's not only ok, it's essential to have interests outside the partnership.

I would feel trapped and very irritated tbh.
My dh and I have lots of separate interests and outlets. We love being together but NOT 24/7! I could never hack feeling as if I were restricted or chained to his side. (Neither would he!)

I think you need a long discussion with him and get this sorted out once and for all. Tell him you have no intention of checking with him for permission to go out, and will not accept strops and sulks if you do. If he kicks off or continues to try and put you on a leash, I'd consider seriously whether you want to live like this for the rest of your days.

OPohdear · 08/10/2014 14:23

Fair enough Hatespiders, but you can see why a guy might feel a bit hurt if he's been working all week and his wife tells him she's going out drinking on Friday and doesn't want him with her...

motherinferior · 08/10/2014 14:26

I frequently go out on a Friday with my friends. This weekend I am going out on Saturday too. Mr Inferior is bearing up bravely, and not even weeping on the inside, I suspect.

TeaForTara · 08/10/2014 14:41

So what happened when you told him, OP?

OPohdear · 08/10/2014 15:00

Yes motherinferior, but you don't think affairs are wrong, so you and your DH might not be very representative here...

motherinferior · 08/10/2014 15:10

I think you'll find that what I said was I don't think all affairs are wrong under all circumstances, and that I have a couple of friends whom, yes, I wish would find someone nicer than their current soul-crushing partners. I fail to see what this has to do with the fact that my partner is quite happy for me to go out with friends on my own.

motherinferior · 08/10/2014 15:12

However, if you wish to interpret a decorous evening out down the pub with PTA stalwarts as an occasion of barely suppressed group sexual tension, do go ahead. It makes me sound a lot more interesting than I am, frankly.

JassyRadlett · 08/10/2014 15:37

I go out with my friends a reasonable amount too. So does DH. We both somehow manage to deal with the heartbreak of having been 'working all week' and telling each other that we want to spend time with other people for a few hours.

OPohdear · 08/10/2014 15:58

I think you'll find that what I said was I don't think all affairs are wrong under all circumstances, and that I have a couple of friends whom, yes, I wish would find someone nicer than their current soul-crushing partners. I fail to see what this has to do with the fact that my partner is quite happy for me to go out with friends on my own.

No, you wrote, "I don't think affairs per se are wrong, anyway," and "I can think of at least two friends for whom I would leap to babysit if it meant they could go out and embark on a relationship with someone other than their appalling husbands" (your emphasis). And this is in defence of a woman deliberately hiding her complicity in her friend’s affair from her DH, much to his distress.

The relevance is obvious - you don't seem to value loyalty very highly or think that people should care that much about their DP’s feelings. Fair enough, whatever works for you, but we should all take what you say with a pinch of salt.

To anyone else who regularly goes out at the weekend without their DP, there's nothing wrong with that. But understand that many couples see weekends as "family time", and they prioritise spending time with their families then. There's nothing wrong with that either.

chrome100 · 08/10/2014 16:01

I was with someone like this once. It was awful. I used to end up not going out or cutting my social engagements short to please him.

The difference is we were 19. I think your OH should be old enough to know better.

Original poster
SofaSpud · 08/10/2014 16:31

I couldn't bring myself to tell him last night which I realise is ridiculous.

Anyway, DP called me earlier to arrange going out tonight and I took the opportunity to say that was good idea because I'd be out Friday as well as Sunday. He joked about it being indicative of the seperate lives we'll lead as we get older then went on to discuss something else, ending the call with 'love you'

I gave it some thought. He doesn't like me going out. We both know this and we both know that it is wrong. He tries to act not bothered but we both know that he is. Does that make him abusive? I'm not so sure.He is possesive of me, which is wrong and he fights it.

I read all of the types in Lundys book and I didn't recognise him.

In the past I have gone along with things when I haven't wanted to, with people in general, family friends etc. I really hate displeasing people.

We do have a difficult history (sorry to drip feed). he's had depression and drink problems (his exW cheated) We seperated for a while in the early years. I went to Al-anon, he changed. The last ten years have been pretty happy.

I read about co-dependency years ago and recognised myself.

To answer some questions asked.
I work for the same co as DP, he wfh now but he 'knows' my office so has no worries...thats my theory.

Is he ok about me going out midweek?
Same thing.He's 'ok' with it but I get anxious telling him.

Is he welcome to come? No!

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 08/10/2014 16:57

But understand that many couples see weekends as "family time", and they prioritise spending time with their families then.

Can't we do both? It's not all or nothing.

And if only one member of a couple sees from Friday afternoon as sacrosanct family time, then it's not the couple seeing it that way.

OPohdear · 08/10/2014 17:17

Can't we do both? It's not all or nothing.

Both of what? Either you prioritise spending time with your family, or you don't.

And if only one member of a couple sees from Friday afternoon as sacrosanct family time, then it's not the couple seeing it that way.

So it's a question of compatibility - some people see weekends as family time, others don't. Hopefully they'll partner up with similar people!

OP, why is he not welcome to come drinking with you? It's Friday night and you've both been working all week - it's a bit mean to tell him he's not invited.

JassyRadlett · 08/10/2014 17:22

I'm perfectly capable of prioritising time with my family while still maintaining a social life outside my home and work.

Prioritisation does not equal exclusion of the alternative. What an odd comment and viewpoint - as is the suggestion that it's 'mean' for couples to socialise without each other.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 08/10/2014 17:26

Op probably wants girl time seen as she only has family and no friends.

Stick to your guns and go out and have fun.

I can never understand this attitude. One day we'll all be alone unless both of us die in a crash or similar. Bit of dark humour there sorry Wink But you get my meaning, we need to be happy in our own skin. Or if not then make friends.

If he doesn't want to make friends then that's up to him. But if you like to socialise then do it.

Hatespiders · 08/10/2014 17:26

OPohdear, my husband does indeed work all week, yet he doesn't automatically expect me to accompany him (or he me) to leisure activities over the weekend. I go to Church events, he plays footie for his team and goes to mosque, I go shopping with a friend etc. But we've been happily married for years, and I suppose we're very comfortable with our ways.

However the OP seems to be feeling ill at ease with her dh's attitude. To me, it does seem rather controlling and needy, to the extent that she's feeling anxious about telling him her plans.

The only way forward is a civilised discussion where each explains their problem, and some sort of compromise might be reached.

OPohdear · 08/10/2014 17:30

I'm perfectly capable of prioritising time with my family while still maintaining a social life outside my home and work.

Good for you!

Prioritisation does not equal exclusion of the alternative. What an odd comment and viewpoint - as is the suggestion that it's 'mean' for couples to socialise without each other.

I said I thought it was mean to tell your DP he wasn't welcome to come out drinking with you on Friday night when he's been working all week and wants to hang out with you. Just my opinion, though...

OPohdear · 08/10/2014 17:33

my husband does indeed work all week, yet he doesn't automatically expect me to accompany him (or he me) to leisure activities over the weekend. I go to Church events, he plays footie for his team and goes to mosque, I go shopping with a friend etc. But we've been happily married for years, and I suppose we're very comfortable with our ways.

Indeed, but what I actually said to you was, "a guy might feel a bit hurt if he's been working all week and his wife tells him she's going out drinking on Friday and doesn't want him with her" - so not the same thing at all.

OPohdear · 08/10/2014 18:04

So you tell him you're going out on Friday, OP, he says no problem, I love you, and you're wondering if he's abusive? You think he may be a bit uncomfortable with it (perhaps because he was cheated on in the past) but he doesn't say anything, doesn't sulk, and tries his best to deal with it in his own way without bothering you. Nice one! I guess it is "all in your head", to answer your original question.

JassyRadlett · 08/10/2014 23:06

I think we'll have to differ. I think it's a bit odd to take your husband with you every time you're going out with your friends, and to be considered 'mean' for wanting to spend time with your friends and enjoy the dynamic that exists without partners present.

OPohdear · 09/10/2014 08:24

Again, that's not what I said, but please yourself...

OPohdear · 09/10/2014 10:10

Obviously there's nothing wrong with "wanting to spend time with your friends and enjoy the dynamic that exists without partners present", but it is mean (and selfish) to insist on doing that on a Friday night when your DP has been working all week and really wants to unwind with a few drinks with you.

Context, it's all about the context.