Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

BF visiting sex workers for HE massage

75 replies

Finch82 · 07/10/2014 12:37

I've been with my BF for over 2 years. I'm 32, he is 34. We live together and we've been talking about starting a family. We've had a really brilliant relationship that I thought was very open and honest. Sex is great but over the course of this year, it's tailed of a little from his end and I've talked to him about it on a couple of occasions. I suppose it was this that led me to look on his phone on Sunday night. I've never ever snooped, ever. But he'd gone out and left his phone and I came in and saw it and felt compelled to look.

In his messages were numerous texts to different numbers, some in his contacts list, some not, organising liasons for a HE (Happy Ending) Massage. Essentially this is a hand job from a sex worker. He uses a false name. The texts are very perfunctory but always have a "x" at the end. It's been going on for at least 8 months.

I confronted him about it when he got home and he didn't deny it. He says it's an addiction. He had his first experience after he split up from his last GF but that it didn't start while we were going out until earlier this year. From the amount of messages on his phone, I'd say he's been visiting these women every week/fortnight. There doesn't seem to have been any gap where he's tried to give it up by himself or seek help.

I'm devastated and he is too. I think he's horrified by how upset I am. I feel so alone though. I don't feel I can talk to my family or friends as I feel so ashamed of him and what he has done, I don't want people to know.

Up until I found out, I felt he was the love of my life. I've had awful BFs in the past, it felt like he was finally someone I deserved to be with, but now I've been so betrayed by him. He wants to go to couples counselling, but I feel I might be better of cutting my losses and moving out. Any thoughts or advice would be really appreciated.

OP posts:
Noctambulist · 07/10/2014 12:39

He's a lying scumbag who uses sex workers. He's 'devastated' because he's been found out.

Kick him out, then go and get an STD check.

AnyFucker · 07/10/2014 12:39

Cut your losses

have no truck with men who use the services of sex workers

this is not a man to start a family with

Vivacia · 07/10/2014 12:40

I'm devastated and he is too. I think he's horrified by how upset I am.

Really? Or do you think that there's another reason he's devastated?

My personal view is that this would be the end of the relationship and it wouldn't be a case of "cutting my losses".

Annarose2014 · 07/10/2014 12:41

Cut your losses. He's never tried to stop. He's bleating "But its an addiction!" in the hopes you'll think he's a poor baby who should be cuddled and supported rather than slated.

An addiciton needs addiction counselling in order to cease. I higly doubt he'd agree to that, do you?

You've only been together 2 years and for probably half that time he's been visiting prostitutes. (Yes, they were prostitutes and a handjob qualifies as sex)

I'd be GONE.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/10/2014 12:42

Couples counselling won't address his behaviours though, will it? I think it's telling he's not saying to you: 'yes, I'm addicted to this and I'm straight off to the GP to talk to what's available to help me deal with my problem'.

Couples counselling (imo, admittedly) is saying: 'we both have issues in our relationship, let's work on them together.'

The issues currently in your relationship is your BF pays for sex and you don't like it. Couples counselling isn't going to resolve that - him changing his behaviour is what's needed.

Not that I believe you should put up with this for one moment, it's just that's what struck me about his response.

Dump his sorry ass and get an STI check. Sorry. What a horrible situation for you.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 07/10/2014 12:43

Cut your losses vote from me too. I love my DH dearly, but if I found out he had been doing that I wouldn't be able to look at him let alone live with him.

What does it tell you about how he views women?

yougotafriend · 07/10/2014 12:43

He's a cheat - wether with an OW or paying for it with sex workers. Get rid asap.

AnyFucker · 07/10/2014 12:44

"Couple counselling" is for two people who want to solve problems in their relationship together that they feel there has been an equal contribution to

this is not the case here...there is nothign wrong with you OP, but there is a fuckload wrong with your pathetic boyfriend

redautumnleaves · 07/10/2014 12:45

Agree with pp. And you must get an std check asap. Sorry that this has happened to you.

RubyGoat · 07/10/2014 12:45

He's cheating, it's no better than if it was another woman. Plus he's supporting the sex trade.

You need a general checkup inckuding for STIs - how can you be certain that he's only ever been to them for HE massage? He's been lying to up till now about this, I wouldn't take his word for it that this is as far as it's gone.

AMumInScotland · 07/10/2014 12:46

Honestly? I think you need to sut your losses and move out.

During your relationship, he decided to start visiting sex workers. he showed no signs of thinking it was a problem until you found out about it.

You thought he was open and honest. He hasn't been. For me, that's the biggest dealbreaker. If he 'needed' something that the relationship wasn't providing, then the way to deal with that is to talk about it, and see if there were ways to liven up your sex life within the relationship, for the benefit of both of you.

Losing interest in you, and getting handjobs from prostitutes is not an acceptable way to deal with anything.

Get out, and be glad you hadn't already brought children into this mess.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2014 12:47

I am sorry he has put you through all this but its not your fault at all this has happened.

You don't want people to know but any embarrassment and shame you feel is totally misplaced. This is all his responsibility to bear, not yours to carry for him. You have done nothing wrong here. How did he think you were going to feel when you came across all this?. The only decent thing he did in that respect was to not deny any of his actions. I would argue that you did not necessarily snoop either because you had a feeling that something was amiss and had been for some time before this discovery.

I think he is horrified only because he has been caught out. He will continue doing this too.

There is really no future for you in this now and I would look into moving out asap. I would also now have a STI test done too.

If you have had some awful boyfriends in the past you may well want to now look at Womens Aid Freedom Programme; this is for women who have previously been in abusive relationships.

I would now spend some time on my own and rebuild your own self esteem and worth; men like this one can give self worth a real battering and such men too can take an awful long time to recover from.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2014 12:48

"He says it's an addiction"

Oh dear.... so diddums is in the grip of an addiction & not in control of his actions...? Hmm If he was up front and said he'd enjoyed it, it would still be horrific but at least you could say he was honest about it. As it is you're dealing with a sneaky little liar who thinks you're stupid.

Big LTB from me...

Littlebluebutterflies · 07/10/2014 12:49

I'm very sorry OP

I'd cut my losses. This is not someone to have a family with.

Btw - don't keep his secret - it's not your shame it's his.

Mammanat222 · 07/10/2014 12:52

Love the way this guy has suggested couples therapy!

Urm, until you picked up his phone (which in itself is never a good sign) you thought you were in a healthy and loving relationship so not sure why he suddenly jumps to couples therapy??

Tell him to get his sorry arse to lying, cheating, cheeky fucker therapy!

Stupidhead · 07/10/2014 12:54

LTB and tell your friends and family (and his) exactly why. Then you won't be tempted to forgive or go back.

He isn't going to suddenly stop is he?

ImperialBlether · 07/10/2014 12:56

What kind of addiction is it that hits you once a week or fortnight, for god's sake?

I wouldn't have children with a man like this, OP. If he's horrified at how upset you are, he has minimised what he's done to such an extent I would think he'd go back to it as soon as all the fuss had died down.

Twinklestein · 07/10/2014 13:08

Addiction my arse, it's an indulgence. Hand job indeed.

TarkaTheOtter · 07/10/2014 13:14

I wouldn't date a man who did this whilst single let alone one who cheated on me with prostitutes. It's grim.

scatteroflight · 07/10/2014 13:15

OP I think you need to ditch. If this was my DP I'd instantly lose any respect and desire for him making the relationship untenable anyway. But if you stay with him you'll always be wondering what he's up to.

It takes a certain kind of cold calculating mind to organise happy finish massages once a week for 8+ months. Even an affair with actual emotions might be more forgivable as at least it is explicable. What possible reasonable explanation is there for this? Addiction my arse. LTB.

Twinklestein · 07/10/2014 13:16

I agree you need to cut your losses, it turns out that he was as awful as past bfs.

Miggsie · 07/10/2014 13:21

Another vote for LTB here as well - can you imagine the possible conversation with your possible child? "sorry you can't have a birthday treat as daddy needed the money to pay a prostitute".

Not a man to love and nurture a woman or child.

gincamparidryvermouth · 07/10/2014 13:22

He's a scumbag. Jettison him.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 07/10/2014 13:25

OP, you deserve better than this. He is devastated because he's been found out. You do not need to stay with this man, nor do you need to keep his little secret. And, please, for the love of god, do not even consider couples counselling, and I say that as a counsellor. Thanks

YouAreMyRain · 07/10/2014 13:29

As soon as he chose to pay a sex worker to wank him off, he ended your relationship.

Swipe left for the next trending thread