Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

BF visiting sex workers for HE massage

75 replies

Finch82 · 07/10/2014 12:37

I've been with my BF for over 2 years. I'm 32, he is 34. We live together and we've been talking about starting a family. We've had a really brilliant relationship that I thought was very open and honest. Sex is great but over the course of this year, it's tailed of a little from his end and I've talked to him about it on a couple of occasions. I suppose it was this that led me to look on his phone on Sunday night. I've never ever snooped, ever. But he'd gone out and left his phone and I came in and saw it and felt compelled to look.

In his messages were numerous texts to different numbers, some in his contacts list, some not, organising liasons for a HE (Happy Ending) Massage. Essentially this is a hand job from a sex worker. He uses a false name. The texts are very perfunctory but always have a "x" at the end. It's been going on for at least 8 months.

I confronted him about it when he got home and he didn't deny it. He says it's an addiction. He had his first experience after he split up from his last GF but that it didn't start while we were going out until earlier this year. From the amount of messages on his phone, I'd say he's been visiting these women every week/fortnight. There doesn't seem to have been any gap where he's tried to give it up by himself or seek help.

I'm devastated and he is too. I think he's horrified by how upset I am. I feel so alone though. I don't feel I can talk to my family or friends as I feel so ashamed of him and what he has done, I don't want people to know.

Up until I found out, I felt he was the love of my life. I've had awful BFs in the past, it felt like he was finally someone I deserved to be with, but now I've been so betrayed by him. He wants to go to couples counselling, but I feel I might be better of cutting my losses and moving out. Any thoughts or advice would be really appreciated.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 07/10/2014 13:30

Your b/f of two years has basically been cheating on you for nearly half of that, probably from the start.

Sorry but I don't for a second believe he has an addiction, it's pure self indulgent sexual satisfaction, nothing else.

Do you really want to be with a man that has done this, he would make my skin crawl, it would have to be the end, 2 years isn't a lifetime, get out and meet a man who will treat you with respect.

Original poster

Finch82 · 07/10/2014 13:31

Overwhelmed a bit by the responses. Thank you, everybody for posting. I've just booked myself into a counselling session for just me. I'm not ready to talk to friends and family just yet. Still in shock. Feel less on my own having posted on here. I'll let you know what happens. x

OP posts:

FreeSpirit89 · 07/10/2014 13:31

It's a LTB from me too.

Smoking is an addiction my DP can't go a day without a fag. Paying sec workers for hand job once a weekis a treat, like a pint in the pub on a Friday night, or a takeaway.

Sorry op :(

Dirtybadger · 07/10/2014 13:44

An addiction? Addicted to hand jobs or addicted to paying women for hand jobs? I'm not sure on what basis he says it's an addiction except that it's a convenient label for him.

Addictions are horrible things, tend to get in the way of day to day life (or at least impact it somewhat) and often cause a lot of mental distress on the behalf of the addicted. You can't be diagnosed as "addicted" to something because you do it once a week and enjoy it, but you really shouldn't.

Having a takeaway every Saturday when you're on a diet and know you shouldn't really (but all the same you enjoy it and think oh well I'll try harder next week) is not indicative of food addiction; stuffing your face for no apparent reason, feeling consumed with regret and shame and actually getting very little pleasure from the eating does indicate addiction.

Your dp has just been having a takeaway. I'm sure he "wished he hadn't" but he's not so motivated to stop that he actually...doesn't. Perhaps he "can't help himself" but that's because he's weak, lacks incentive and feels morally fine about it. I imagine any distress he has is about being found out not about what he's actually doing. Cheating on you. And lying. At some point he's lied about where he has been or is going.

Bin him.

Oh and he's probably still lying. Not sure shout what or why but people rarely just decide to tell all straight away.

Branleuse · 07/10/2014 13:51

i think therapy by yourself, not with him is going to be much more suitable.

What hes been doing is creepy and sleazy. Supporting a shitty trade, exploiting people, plus lying to you and cheating on you for the best part of a year.
Hes obviously a very good liar too because you only found out by accident, which means that you cant trust anything he says or does, even if it seems like hes telling the truth. Youll never know again.

Hes really fucked you over and im sorry x

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/10/2014 13:56

Setting aside the paying-for-it for a moment, what he's really all about is getting sexual satisfaction from a situation where there is absolutely no emotional input from either of them. This is his ideal sexual relationship. There is no place for you in it at all. Who would want to be entangled with such a man?

Fontella · 07/10/2014 14:45

If this was my boyfriend, the only Happy Ending he'd be getting off me would be the end of my boot up his arse as I drop kicked him out of the door.

What a complete and utter sleaze bag - paying other women to wank him off while he has a loving and trusting partner at home? Imagine OP if you hadn't found out now and had gone on to have children with him?

The only thing he's devastated about is that you've caught him out and the illusion of the loyal partner in the 'open and honest' relationship has been well and truly shattered.

PeppermintPasty · 07/10/2014 14:55

Yuck yuck yuck, get rid. Imagine if you don't kick him into touch-no matter how loud your protestations you would be sending him a big fat message that this is ok. And it's not ok, for all the reasons everyone has already said.

You would be setting yourself up (and any future children) for a lifetime of misery at this man's hands.

BaffledSomeMore · 07/10/2014 15:04

What a horrible shock for you.

Even if you wanted to get over this and stay together, you would be a saint not be consumed by suspicion and reduced to trying to monitor his movements. Every time 30 minutes delay in him coming home would have you wondering. It's no way to live.

kaykayblue · 07/10/2014 15:52

What a disgusting man.

I couldn't continue a relationship with a man who had EVER used women as sexual services. Let alone if we were in a relationship at the time.

He is "devastated" because all of a sudden you know what a disgusting, vile man he really is. He was pretty happy beforehand by the sounds of things.

Vile. Just vile.

shaska · 07/10/2014 15:58

Sorry this would be the end for me. If, genuinely, this was something he felt was out of his control but he hated doing it and wanted to stop, he could've come clean to you and booked himself into serious therapy.

Instead, he hid it from you, and now he's trying to make it seem like it's not 'really' his fault because he's got an addiction. Ugh. No.

LadyLuck10 · 07/10/2014 16:35

Please listen to the side of you that says cut your losses. Don't you find it odd that whenever someone is caught in these situations their reason is always that it's 'an addiction'.

No man that uses a woman in thAt way is worth spending your life with. This wasn't some one time offense, it happened for 8 months. That's 8 months of deceit, lying to you, sleeping with you and then betraying you. Do you honestly think someone who loves you would do this to you?

He is 'devastated' only now, did he not think of you once before? Walk away for your own self respect, else you will find this always popping up down the line.

juneau · 07/10/2014 16:40

He's devastated because he's been caught! If you hadn't looked in his phone and found him out, do you think he'd have fessed up? I'm guessing the answer to that is a big, fat no, since he didn't feel 'devastated' enough to come clean during the past eight months. This man is not worthy of you affections or your long-term plans.

Joysmum · 07/10/2014 17:03

I think he's horrified by how upset I am

Bullshit!

He knew how horrified you'd be which is why he kept it secret!

He knew it'd break you yet on a weekly basis he put his wants above your needs because he's a selfish bastard.

LTB

AnyFucker · 07/10/2014 17:46

8 months

What's the going rate for a prostitute giving a handjob indoors ? I'll hazard a guess at £50

8X4X50 =

You do the math

Not a family man

Drumdrum60 · 07/10/2014 19:17

He will have had full sex with sex workers . He is minimising of course . Do not stay with him. Tell him to sort his own problem out . It is nothing absolutely nothing to do with you . You did not cause it and you won't be able to control it .

Drumdrum60 · 07/10/2014 19:19

Also he will have been doing it for years and that's why his relationships keep breaking up . Love the way he blames his ex. Bollocks.

Dowser · 07/10/2014 19:43

Two years. That's still the honeymoon period.
Pack his bags , the mans a wanker!

At least you know know. I only found about about me ER ex husbands black prostitute predilection after he'd left me for another woman who knew he was married.

I don't know which of them was worst...but I do know who came out of it better and it wasn't either of them.

Thank god you had no kids.

Some men just have no shame.

RaisingMen · 07/10/2014 19:44

You have a choice. You can spend your life trying to fix this "relationship", always wondering what he's up to, checking his phone, being paranoid, convinced he's cheating again, or you can walk away and find someone who loves you and values you too much to ever do anything to hurt you. I know which I'd choose.

RaisingMen · 07/10/2014 19:44

WitchWay · 07/10/2014 19:46

This is not an addiction. He likes being tossed off by prostitutes. What else does he like I wonder?

RedRoom · 07/10/2014 21:36

God. He lies, he cheats, he pays for sex- if those aren't cast iron reasons to ditch a guy then I don't know what are.

Whatever you thought you had with him, it wasn't really him that you had it with because he has presented a false self. There is a side to him that you Have known nothing about, and he's done a great job of hiding it for two years. I'd run a mile from a man so desperate for a wank that he pays a strange woman to give him one weekly. WEEKLY! I have a takeaway less often than that, FFS.

Of course he's devastated- his lovely life of having a committed girlfriend and also having thrilling wanks with prostitutes has been uncovered and he is shitting himself that he will lose you and be shamed publicly. Did he worry at all about hurting you? No, of course not. The evidence is in his repeated visits.

And after two years? If he can't behave this early on, what will he be like when the mundanity sets in?

He's a selfish bastard, no question. I've ditched men for less, I really have.

AnyFucker · 07/10/2014 23:57

any more thoughts, OP ?

Newdawnforever · 08/10/2014 01:55

This is who he really is, it's a lucky escape for you that this has happened now rather than five years and two kids down the line. Nothing ties you to this man, you can choose to leave and never look back. Then you have the opportunity to meet someone worth settling down with.

There's no point in staying in the relationship unless you're happy to accept him continuing this behaviour because he will do it again when he thinks you're not watching. He'll be more careful not to get caught but he'll do it again.

PurpleSwift · 08/10/2014 08:20

Personally, to save your feelings in the future I'd leave now.

And I can see people are easily dismissing the fact it could be an addiction but in reality sex addiction if FAR more common than people realise. Weather that be involving porn, your bf's issues, or full blown affairs and anything in between. Talk to your boyfriend about it. Google sex addiction. Talk to him about counseling. Expect it to happen again.

Of course he could be bullshitting. But for a man I consider the love of my life I'd probably want to explore the situation further.

Flip

1 2 3