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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The polite response to news that my 41yo STBXH has moved in a 19yo?

82 replies

eliminator · 07/10/2014 11:23

I smiled politely and only made 200 sarcastic comments.

But he's introduced her to the DC and I expect I'm going to have to meet her properly and make this situation normal for them.

Its not the age gap that's worrying me too much, but the fact that she is the same age as his first born and our 8 year old has commented on it.

Do I need to say anything or shall I just leave it to them to explain?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 07/10/2014 12:18

I'd pull a face and say 'no comment'.

Lucylambkin · 07/10/2014 12:19

Wonder how her mother feels about it.

Original poster
eliminator · 07/10/2014 12:19

If I chose to date a man the same age as my eldest child and then proceeded to hide him in a cupboard at any time someone might risk meeting him, I would expect some sarcastic comments actually!

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByABear · 07/10/2014 12:19

That man has style.................

Original poster
eliminator · 07/10/2014 12:20

She doesn't get on with her family Lucy. She was living in a council B&B before moving in with H.

OP posts:
nicename · 07/10/2014 12:24

Maybe she is mature for her age and he is immature (or rich, or very well endowed)?

I am not much older than your ex but would go mad if I had a 19 year old partner - nothing in common with a teen I'm afraid.

MaryWestmacott · 07/10/2014 12:32

oh I see, she needs somewhere to live that's not with her parents, and she now gets to live in his flat for free, a flat that is far better than the alternative of a council B&B.

Most blokes her own age wouldn't be in a position to offer her anywhere near as nice a home, and would need her to contribute much more (or be still living with their parents who might say no to her moving in), and a 19 year old man is not feel 'lucky' to have a 19 year old woman in their bed, to the extend they don't question her 'just moving in'.

I expect this relationship will last as long as she needs him...

Optimist1 · 07/10/2014 12:58

Most blokes her own age wouldn't be in a position to offer her anywhere near as nice a home - with its walk-in boiler cupboard, and all! Wink

MaryWestmacott · 07/10/2014 13:02

I'm rather jealous, you couldn't get a 19 year old hidden in my boiler cupboard. Not even a really skinny one.

Twinklestein · 07/10/2014 13:07

She sounds vulnerable given her family situation and he's using her for sex. Nice guy.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 07/10/2014 13:17

After biting lips together and aerobic eyebrow exercises, I'd politely ask if he was paying her university fees (or some other age appropriate activity).

I do feel for the girl though. A little bit embarrassed for her that she let him put her in a closet, but mostly sad that she is /feels she has to/ using sex to elevate her living condition. Perhaps print out the list from the thread "Right, Listen Up Everybody" (or something close to that) and mail it to her?

Beastofburden · 07/10/2014 13:19

Poor girl. Actually.

Twinklestein · 07/10/2014 13:31

Exactly, she's a MN thread in waiting.

"I moved in with a 41 year old when I was 19 because my family turfed me out and I was living in a B&B. I craved love and security, turned out he was just using me for sex. He did anything he liked sexually and I was too young and naïve to object because he was putting a roof over my head."

bleedingheart · 07/10/2014 13:38

What kind of morally bankrupt 41 year old thinks he'll look better in front of his parents if he says he is 'just' using a vulnerable teenager for sex?

We don't know his and her take on their relationship, I know, but I really feel sorry for all of the children and teenagers involved in this. And OP, I'm so glad he is your STBXH!

How did their paths cross in the first place?!

anothercrackatit · 07/10/2014 13:39

He is making a fool of himself and the fact that he has a daughter the same age as his new bed buddy is just revolting. He clearly knows this himself but is in it for the sex. Let him be, your children will see through him soon enough. This is your chance to be the good cop!

MrsSquirrel · 07/10/2014 13:50

He is using a vulnerable teenager for sex. She is giving him sex (and hiding in the cupboard Hmm) to keep a roof over her head. Sounds like a match made in heaven!

ChangelingToday · 07/10/2014 14:06

I feel kind of sorry for her, she sounds quite desperate to let someone treat her so bad! Lucky you out of that marriage!

nicenewdusters · 07/10/2014 14:09

So tempted to make the "she sounds like an old boiler" gag, but will resist ! Actually, she sounds, as others have said, like a very vulnerable teenager at risk of coming out of this quite badly. I agree with all the other posters that have said it is up to him to offer any explanations required.

If things get too bad for her I have quite a large cupboard under my stairs she is welcome to stay in till she gets back on her feet !! I can't get the image of that poor girl out of my head now, she must either be tiny or a contortionist.

Leaving now before I derail the thread with my boiler cupboard obsession. Sorry op that you've been put in this situation by your stbxh, soon he will be your xh and can continue to enjoy his mid-life crisis relationship. Do you think it's that old chestnut, "cupboard love" ?!!

I'm going.........................

Twinklestein · 07/10/2014 14:13

What kind of morally bankrupt 41 year old thinks he'll look better in front of his parents if he says he is 'just' using a vulnerable teenager for sex

My thoughts exactly.

Momagain1 · 07/10/2014 14:15

Dear lord. I expect his DDs wont speak to him, or will give him an earful. And if he tries to tell them to but out because they are being childish...Confused

feelingmellow · 07/10/2014 14:23

Why would a 19year old be housed in a B&B by the local authority? Has she got a child?

Dirtybadger · 07/10/2014 14:28

Because otherwise she'd be homeless and they didn't have a hostel space? I had some friends during my teens who had to be housed temporarily in B&Bs because they had nowhere else for them (over 18 at the time).

I agree she sounds vulnerable and he sounds like an absolute test. I hope she sees sense and karma comes for the gent...

AdoraBell · 07/10/2014 14:28

Agree with pp's, she sounds vulnerable and in need of a home and quite possibly a father figure.

Other than quietly sniggering if this were my ex I think the grown up in me would want to help her extricate herself out if this PQD. Like help preparing for job interviews etc so she can get a sense of her own worth and power, and mix with a cross section of people including some her own age. Who could help her see that being hidden in a boiler cupboard isn't normal in a relationshipHmm

Do you know if she has any friends OP

Isetan · 07/10/2014 14:31

What kind of morally bankrupt 41 year old thinks he'll look better in front of his parents if he says he is 'just' using a vulnerable teenager for sex

This

AdoraBell · 07/10/2014 14:35

Sorry, that sounds like I assume she doesn't have a job. I don't, it was just as an example.