I don't know what to think

[CantFindAUserName]

Ok so I have had an uneasy feeling for a while, my OH will talk to people on Facebook a lot but a lot of the time I feel like he is ignoring me. He will often be grinning at the computer screen and If I ask what is so funny he always says nothing.

Today I had the opportunity to see what had him so occupied and I took it (I am not normally a snoop honest!) Most of his messages were just from people who I know guys he goes out with and work mates. There were messages to one girl which were just uncomfortable reading. He seemed to be flirting with her but it was odd as they talked about her sex life with others. I found out they snapchat each other and he told her a picture she had sent him was like something from Baywatch. There were inbox messages commenting on pictures on her profile but not actually comments on any of her pictures that I seen from him. He said things like 'twitwoo' Who the hell says that?

She talked about her lesbian friend coming onto her and there were comments such as 'you can't leave me with that image in my head at this time of night'. She mentioned that someone she was dating didn't like people looking at her when they were out. My OH said something along the lines of 'I'd like him to say that if I was out... But I'm sneaky when I look at fit girls'

Their conversations seemed to be ordinary before the last couple of months but I didn't look much more. I know I can't stop him looking at other women but it has been at times when he has been sitting across from me hardly talking he says things to her like how bored he is... Well bloody bother with me! you might find life more amusing.

Am I wrong to be so bloody pissed off with this? It is just the fact he is clearly sitting across from me saying this shit to her. If it were the other way around I know he would be raging at me.

I haven't mentioned anything to him as I want to know if I am over reacting first.

You are not over reacting. The fact that if you did what he is doing would make him hit the roof proves that.

He is not having a bona fide affair but he is putting his sexual energy into someone else, its like "living porn", he is getting off on what she says. Chances are though, if she tipped him the wink then he would go running to her. You are "boring" because he knows you and is used to you, she is exciting because she is new and fun. She will become boring too and then he will find someone else "fun".

Your only issue is what you do with this information. A tip - if you say you want a divorce he will be all over you like a rash, but as soon as you say "OK, lets try again" he will be "bored" again......

What bogeyface said. You deserve better and he sounds a dick.
Twitwoo? Indeed.

You're not overreacting. It's the equivalent of sitting in the pub with a man who spends all night whispering in the someone else's ear..... if nothing else, it's sheer bad manners. That's what you tell him

Thank you for the replies, I think I know from the tone of the conversations that he probably would go to her. My body is not what it was after having two children so image wise she wins hands down.

I feel slightly relieved that I am not over reacting.

Don't do yourself down. This isn't a beauty contest. If two kids, a wedding ring and a shedload of shared history and love isn't enough to keep him engaged in the relationship rather than chatting to other women, then that's entirely his problem, not yours. If you call him out and he goes to her... what have you lost?

Overreacting?

Of course you're not overreacting. It's bang out of order and if I were in your shoes I would be fucking furious.

A married man sat there writing crap like this to some female he's met online - and yes, getting his rocks off on her pictures and her descriptions of her sex life. And he's doing it whilst sat in the same room as his wife and mother of his children? Where's the respect? There isn't any is the simple answer. What an arsehole. So he's bored? I bet you're bored too with your husband ignoring you and sat on a computer writing simpering bollocks to another woman.

It's bad enough as it it .. but online infidelity easily becomes real life infidelity as has been proved countless times, not least by threads on here. It all starts somewhere and you have seen yourself in the history of this conversation - how the tone has already changed from 'normal' to 'sexual'.

That's gross. He sounds like a dick

Christ, what a tool

I wouldn't stand by while these two idiots took the Piss out of me

We aren't married thank god, just engaged. Today we have been together for 7 years and he hasn't even acknowledged it to me just a cocky status on facebook. I don't really know what to do, he knows I know his facebook password, he says it is because he has nothing to hide, obviously he thinks I just won't look if that is the case. He will probably hit the roof of he knew I had been looking.

I would not stand for this. He is undermining your relationship with this woman and IMO he has gone too far.

Although he hadn't done anything physical I'm just wondering where you can go from here? It looks like he has zero respect for you and his family.

No doubt he will talk his way out of it. Good luck

So what if he hits the roof? I tend to think that, once you're at the stage where you feel it's necessary to snoop, then the relationship is already in serious trouble. The correct answer to 'how dare you snoop' therefore is 'this isn't about me, it's about you acting like a creep'

Let him hit the roof.

He knows you know his password and you've had a look due to feeling 'uneasy' and the amount of time he spends on the computer.

You've found him talking suggestive bollocks to a female. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and some bloke was admiring your pictures and discussing your sex life?

Married, engaged .. whatever .. he's in a committed relationship of seven years standing and he's treating you, his partner with zero respect.

Hi Can'tfind, I have been in a similar (ish) situation in the past so am interested to see how you move forward on this. I confronted my H "resolved" it and tried to make our marriage work but a year down the line and I have no respect left for him and don't think I love him. We are now going to counselling but I've no idea what the future holds.

Do you have other issues in your relationship? Are you planning on asking him about all of this?

Hi theoriginalposter yes there are a few things I have issues with in our relationship. I just don't feel close to him, I feel like the only conversation we have is about him going to the gym (which I have zero interest in) and about how pissed off he has been at work each day. We never just sit an cuddle up anymore. In bed it is either lies with his back to me or we have sex then he turns away. I don't think he feels the same as he used to about me although he wouldn't admit that.

I am happy to find someone who has been in a similar situation, not happy for your situation of course. I don't even know if I love him anymore when I look at him I don't feel any rush of love like I used to. I feel a lot of annoyance towards him.

We have a lot planned with the kids in the next few months and I don't feel like I can break their little hearts over this right now.

Seven years? If I had to have seven more years in that kind of relationship I'd be fit to be tied.

You deserve so much more than this, OP. I know what I'd do and it wouldn't involve walking down the aisle.

I can't think of any way you could stay together without dancing the "pick me" dance. Please don't do that to yourself.

The thing is I don't know of I have the strength in me to leave. I don't know how I will afford to do it alone

If stupid auto correct

It is better to be apart and happier than to be as badly accompanied as you are now. Another seven years of this is frankly beyond comprehension.

As for breaking your childrens hearts; what about yours?. Do not fall into the "sunken costs" trap here; the damage has already been done.

Your emotional self is being smashed in by this man who acts so appallingly in front of you. What do you want to teach them about relationships, surely not this role model of one?.

You still have strength but the longer you stay within this and let him grind you down, the harder it could be for you to actually make those steps to get out. In the meantime your children are absorbing all this from you two about relationships, is this really what you want to teach them?.

There's definitely some comfort in finding someone in a similar situation, as sad as it is. I have finally realised that I don't want to continue in this marriage but I'm finding it incredibly difficult to be the one who inflicts that decision on everyone and cause so much hurt. I feel like I have to choose between my happiness and that of others.
I wish I'd left when I found out as then I perhaps wouldn't feel so responsible for that decision. H now blames me for having "strung him along" for the last year.
I guess what I'm saying is that what your H has done is totally unacceptable. It might be time to have a look at the whole relationship and its dynamics to see what you want to do.

And if things are bad already then they are likely to get worse in my experience...

That is how I feel, like I am choosing between mine and my childrens happiness. If I leave and they have to stay with him away from me for a few nights a week they will be heartbroken and I don't know how i am going to get used to not seeing them as much

Oh my god, you are so not over reacting, what a complete disrespectful twat! MN is the only social media platform I use, have never facebooked, tweeted etc. It's incredible that people doubt their reactions to partners texting/facebooking other people in the way your partner has. As another poster said earlier, if he was sitting whispering similar rubbish into somebody's ear in the pub, or you heard him on the phone, you would know exactly what he was playing at. Just because he's hiding behind his pc it doesn't change what he's doing at all.

I would definitely call him on it - what's the alternative ? The other woman is irrelevant, her partner is quite possibly sitting with her wondering what she's grinning at on the computer while she treats him like rubbish! As earlier posters said, so what if he hits the roof, you're more than entitled to be going right through the bloody thing!

I wouldn't worry about the snooping element. You obviously have lots of concerns about your relationship, and his behaviour as described later in your thread has driven you to try and find some answers. What's he trying to do to mend things ? Talk to you, make an effort, make some changes ? No, he's behaving like a naughty adolescent sitting upstairs in his mum and dad's house on his pc "chatting up" girls - except he's sitting in the house he shares with his fiance, his children and making you feel bad.

I feel so annoyed on your behalf, it's just so disrespectful !!

It's totally selfish and denies the pair of you time to connect. I'd find it really disrespectful. Not that you have any idea how often he communicates over 24 hours when he's out of plain sight.

The obvious difficulty is that it's so easy to step out of the real world and assume a different fun identity with randoms who know nothing about us. I don't like the direction he's taking.

In your shoes I'd alert him to things at home being less fun and on the verge of disappearing altogether if he doesn't buck his ideas up. And I'm not forgetting the DCs who are part of this. Break their little hearts if plans get changed? A timetable planned with the DCs isn't worth much if the love of your life is already detaching physically and taking pleasure in all but flirting with who knows who on a screen.