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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't know what to think

66 replies

CantFindAUserName · 07/10/2014 01:26

Ok so I have had an uneasy feeling for a while, my OH will talk to people on Facebook a lot but a lot of the time I feel like he is ignoring me. He will often be grinning at the computer screen and If I ask what is so funny he always says nothing.

Today I had the opportunity to see what had him so occupied and I took it (I am not normally a snoop honest!) Most of his messages were just from people who I know guys he goes out with and work mates. There were messages to one girl which were just uncomfortable reading. He seemed to be flirting with her but it was odd as they talked about her sex life with others. I found out they snapchat each other and he told her a picture she had sent him was like something from Baywatch. There were inbox messages commenting on pictures on her profile but not actually comments on any of her pictures that I seen from him. He said things like 'twitwoo' Who the hell says that?

She talked about her lesbian friend coming onto her and there were comments such as 'you can't leave me with that image in my head at this time of night'. She mentioned that someone she was dating didn't like people looking at her when they were out. My OH said something along the lines of 'I'd like him to say that if I was out... But I'm sneaky when I look at fit girls'

Their conversations seemed to be ordinary before the last couple of months but I didn't look much more. I know I can't stop him looking at other women but it has been at times when he has been sitting across from me hardly talking he says things to her like how bored he is... Well bloody bother with me! you might find life more amusing.

Am I wrong to be so bloody pissed off with this? It is just the fact he is clearly sitting across from me saying this shit to her. If it were the other way around I know he would be raging at me.

I haven't mentioned anything to him as I want to know if I am over reacting first.

OP posts:

Original poster

CantFindAUserName · 14/10/2014 12:14

Thank you Freakin I'm sure I will manage it is just getting to that point

AnyFucker I can pay a bill and do a weekly shop please don't patronize me. I will get by on my own two feet but he has dealt with the money side of things for all these years and yes I do find the thought slightly scary

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/10/2014 12:23

I have every sympathy with your upset at the end of your relationship.

But you are patronising yourself to say you cannot cope with the money side of things. You can, and you will.

Lucymill · 14/10/2014 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnyFucker · 14/10/2014 12:29

Oh God ! the hotpot effect has started already

Original poster

CantFindAUserName · 14/10/2014 12:31

I did not say I couldn't cope, I have been through much worse than this in my life and have managed to get through the other side. I will get through this also.

OP posts:

Lucymill · 14/10/2014 12:31

Just saying ;-)

Original poster

CantFindAUserName · 14/10/2014 12:33

Now I am lost

OP posts:

roland83 · 14/10/2014 12:35

I think he's "Treating you mean, to keep you keen"... call his bluff!

Don't chase him, don't contact him, let him stew on this.. he's trying to make you back down and beg him to come home.

If he doesn't come begging then he's not worth it, no matter how much you want it to work out.

If he does come begging then you have the upper hand and can decide what you wish to do for your and your children's future.

P.s the "Hotpot" comment was about a troll that posted a fake message, people are saying it might be you, but I think it's just in jest! :)

Original poster

CantFindAUserName · 14/10/2014 12:41

Right now he is trying to get me to out with him at the weekend to talk things through. I don't even want to look at him right now but I know we will have to talk especially for our children. I am definitely not going to beg him to come back it has gone too far for anything like that.

I am not a troll unfortunately this is all very real for me.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/10/2014 12:43

It is too soon to "talk things through".

Before you "talk" I suggest you contact a family law solicitor and find out where you stand financially before he tries to soft soap you into agreeing all kinds of shit that lets him off the hook.

roland83 · 14/10/2014 12:53

Why didn't he talk to you instead of leaving? Or did you have a row and he walked out?

inlectorecumbit · 14/10/2014 13:02

he wouldn't go out with you when you were together but now wants to go out when you are apart???

Too soon to do the talking--get yourself some legal advice and phone to find out what benefits you can receive.
Don't think for a minute he really wants you back--it is probably damage limitation on his behalf trying to get you to agree on finances which will NOT benefit you or your DC's
Give it a few weeks before you talk but do not deny him access to the Dc's- he can pick them up from the doorstep.

dreamingbohemian · 14/10/2014 13:06

Oh you poor thing. Okay first off, I know it must be really scary now but in the long run you will see that this is really for the best. You are so young, you have so much time to start a new life -- to train for a job you like, to meet someone else who really loves you.

Now is the time to talk to people and find out what support is out there. There are people who will help you figure things out, make sure you are getting all the benefits and things you need.

If you don't know how to do anything ask it on here, it doesn't matter how silly or stupid the question is -- some people are lucky to have families who teach them how to live on their own but a lot of us had to figure it out the hard way.

Just remember that you haven't done anything wrong, he is the one who ran off from the family. You can get through this, just take it day by day, and don't be afraid to ask for help.

springydaffs · 14/10/2014 13:21

How sad that the only time he's asked you out in 6 years is to talk about your split

I agree to get some advice first before you have that talk with him. He doesn't sound like a nice man tbh.

Running a house/finances is very straightforward, you'll take to it like a duck to water - especially as you won't be paying for gym trips and nights out with his mates ( )

I'm sorry you're facing this, op. You really will be much better off (in all ways) xx

Original poster

CantFindAUserName · 14/10/2014 13:37

He didn't talk before leaving because he was annoyed with me for looking through his messages. He went out to the gym and text me to pack some clothes for him then he came for them and left his keys here.

I have managed to stay calm through all of this which really isn't like me. He has been texting none stop since he left and I have ignored most of it. At one point he tried to turn all of this round onto me but I will not accept any of the blame.

I know I will get through this but right now I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

OP posts:

Panad · 14/10/2014 13:49

Cant its understandable that you feel scared. It really is but in a month you will look back and see that you did cope and you will cope. Take it all one step at a time and try and do at least something each day that you will look forward to. Change the furniture around if you haven't done so already. Make the house your own. It will all work out.

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