I don't know what to think

[CantFindAUserName]

Ok so I have had an uneasy feeling for a while, my OH will talk to people on Facebook a lot but a lot of the time I feel like he is ignoring me. He will often be grinning at the computer screen and If I ask what is so funny he always says nothing.

Today I had the opportunity to see what had him so occupied and I took it (I am not normally a snoop honest!) Most of his messages were just from people who I know guys he goes out with and work mates. There were messages to one girl which were just uncomfortable reading. He seemed to be flirting with her but it was odd as they talked about her sex life with others. I found out they snapchat each other and he told her a picture she had sent him was like something from Baywatch. There were inbox messages commenting on pictures on her profile but not actually comments on any of her pictures that I seen from him. He said things like 'twitwoo' Who the hell says that?

She talked about her lesbian friend coming onto her and there were comments such as 'you can't leave me with that image in my head at this time of night'. She mentioned that someone she was dating didn't like people looking at her when they were out. My OH said something along the lines of 'I'd like him to say that if I was out... But I'm sneaky when I look at fit girls'

Their conversations seemed to be ordinary before the last couple of months but I didn't look much more. I know I can't stop him looking at other women but it has been at times when he has been sitting across from me hardly talking he says things to her like how bored he is... Well bloody bother with me! you might find life more amusing.

Am I wrong to be so bloody pissed off with this? It is just the fact he is clearly sitting across from me saying this shit to her. If it were the other way around I know he would be raging at me.

I haven't mentioned anything to him as I want to know if I am over reacting first.

Except that if you stay, you KNOW you will be miserable. Forever. If you tell him to go fuck himself, then you are ASSUMING your children would be miserable, and it would only be until they got used to the new situation.

I can't see how your kids would be that much happier growing up in a household where the two adults clearly have no respect or love for each other, they can see their mother withering into a hollow shell, and their father acting like a complete cock. They probably don't pick up on it yet, but it won't be long until they do.

Kids learn by example. Do you have any daughters? If you stay, you will be teaching them that you have to sacrifice your life for the happiness of other people, no matter what the personal price it is for them. If you leave, you are teaching them that it's okay to stand up for yourself and say "no, I won't be treated like this".

It seems scary because it's the unknown. Start applying for better jobs, or looking for a promotion at work. If you aren't working, then start. Even if you have to start part time before you can work your way up. Look at the CAB website to see what you would be entitled to, to help you through the first few months of separation. Take another look at your cv and consider if you can improve it through re writing bits of it, or highlighting more of your skills.

You have your entire life in front of you. It will be hard going it alone, but ultimately it would be much more rewarding than sitting next to someone who won't even acknowledge that you spoke, whilst messaging little miss sexy online.

I know what you mean about not wanting to be without the children some of the time, I feel the same but (as I'm realising what I must do) that thought is becoming less alien to me and I can see that it would be preferable.

Do not feel like you're overreacting, you're not. Don't let him minimise or blame you for snooping. I let my H do those things and it made me feel partly responsible so I stayed and we tried. The problem was that I now saw him in a new light. His actions (even though not a physical affair) killed my love and respect and I massively underestimated that at the time.

I don't know what to do if he won't leave, I have no family or anyone nearby I could stay with

can't, about the children.

People don't say this in real life mostly but from reading these boards for a while now, there's threads pop up sometimes where people ask if others are happy that their parents stayed together for their sake.

The overwhelming answer is "no". Surprisingly.

I'm beginning to think that the pressure is to say that it's better for parents to be unhappily married for the kids. But I'm not so sure the reality isn't the opposite. It's everyone around - family and friends - who often can't cope with a breakup, not the kids in the long term assuming the separation can be handled reasonably well.

Regarding your husband: I used to play on line games a lot. You get to knock around with people, over time there's quite a few come onto you even when you don't do anything at all to flirt. (I don't flirt. I don't like it and as I gained more experience my heart sunk when people started to flirt. In the end I just stopped speaking to people who tried that on). I did however see women who did flirt and I saw marriages broken up and a helluva lot of irl cheating going on. God it was depressing.

If someone wrote to me what your husband wrote to this woman, I'm afraid that it'd be clear without a doubt that he wants an affair. He might kid himself that 'it's only on line and i'd never do anything' but give him the opportunity and I'm afraid he'd be grabbing it.

Meerka thank you I have found your post very helpful

I just never thought I would have to put my children in this situation. You are all right I can't stay miserable and they can learn to adapt to a new sort of life

In the event of a separation (although I don't want to assume that would be your choice) there's no rule that says one of you must leave. If (maybe when) H and I separate I know we would have to remain living together until the house is sold.
Are you going to speak to him about what you've found?

We have a council house so there are no worries of having to sell. I am going to have to talk to him at some point. I am really not good at this sort of thing and I don't know what to say

Just a suggestion about how you tackle him on this one. In my experience it's best not to wait until later in the evening when the kids are in bed, you're both tired, and there's the possibility of being interrupted. Better to try and do it when you're alone together during the day - easier said than done I know with dc.

I wouldn't start to try and explain how you know, you know, that's enough, if he hadn't been doing it there would be nothing for you to discover. I think the important thing is to tell him how it makes you feel, about him, and ultimately about your relationship. You don't have to have a discussion about the right and wrongs of it, he did it, and it's made you feel this way. Even if he says it's just a bit of fun, all his mates do it, you're such a bore, blah, blah, blah - that in itself is his answer. Tell him what you told us, he wouldn't stand for you doing it. Also, you wouldn't do it because you have more respect for him (or did have?) and for yourself.

If you feel yourself getting flustered just keep reminding yourself you are right, your feelings are justified. He entered willingly into a relationship with you, this has happened and you are entitled to raise it with him. I have recently been through a horrible few months with a situation affecting almost every aspect of my life. I have however stuck to my guns, told the truth and played it straight down the line. It's been awful but I've gained an inner strength and feeling of independence that I never knew was there. Believe me, if I can do it, so can you !

Hope it goes well if you have the talk.

So in a nutshell you spend every minute caring for him and your DCs, and listening to him moan about work and washing his sweaty gym kit, and when he is home he's on the laptop being all Mr Chatty Fascinating with some other female. Or am I wrong, is he great with the DCs, always surprising you with little thoughtful acts, always a rock in a crisis?

When he's being all approachable and winsome online, he probably doesn't think in terms of a bachelor lifestyle being takeaways and doing his own laundry.

Does he ever stop in with the kids while you go out? Are you getting any free time? While he is under the same roof look into working or investigate courses, see about how you can expand your horizons before you wave goodbye.

This has been on my mind none stop for the last week. I really don't know what to do. I have been distant with him since I seen the messages but I don't think he has noticed to be honest.

Donkeys no I don't have any time to myself I stay at home all day with my younger daughter while my older daughter is at school. He goes to work and to be fair rarely goes on nights out although he is at the gym with friends most days. I have had 2 nights out since my older daughter came along, she will be 6 in March. We don't have a lot of money but I have lost count of the times I have asked if we can go out. The rare time he does go out it is never with me.

I think I really have had enough of him, I just don't know how to go about ending things, I just feel so lost right now and I have no family or friends to talk to

I just feel so bad as to the outside world everything looks great the kids are happy, he seems happy but I'm not.

'Being distant' is not going to impact on someone who is already ignoring you. You need to have some idea about what you want to happen after it's over and then tell him in as plain terms as you can manage. Write it down if it helps. Maybe use your thread here as a cue

Have you had any legal advice? If not go and see a solicitor and also find out if you will be entitled to any benefits. It is much easier to make a decision when you have some information as to how things will be in the future.

Oh god I have done it, I have asked about her, apparently because he didn't ask to meet her he doesn't think it is so bad and he doesn't know why he did it. He apologised but in my opinion didn't seem bothered enough about it that we may have just lost everything between us after 7 years. He seemed more bothered at the fact that I had been on his Facebook. I managed to stay calm which I am proud of myself for.

He is out at the gym right now but is going to pick some stuff up and go to him mothers for now.

I really don't even know how I feel about any of this I don't know what I want. I don't know even know what to tell my children. I really don't feel strong enough for all of this right now.

Sorry but he is leaving you no other choice, he is crossing a line and playing with your feelings, hardly the actions of a man that loves you, give it time, you will soon see through him.

Doesn't sound like he's putting up much of a fight?

You'll get through this. It won't be easy at first.

Do get legal advice. Have you seen a lone parent advisor?

He isn't putting up any fight at all within half an hour he was telling me to ring the council and job centre and tell them he has moved out I feel so alone

No I haven't seen a lone parent advisor, I have never heard of one I will look into it thanks

Ah, he was too chicken shit to end it himself so he has manoevred you into doing it

Clever man...now he thinks he won't look like the Bad Guy

But you both know better than that

Give him what he wants. He wants to be free to send puerile sexy messages to Ow

Don't tolerate it on your time

He is no loss:

• ignores you
• doesn't acknowledge your anniversary
• titillates himself chatting to other women
• doesn't give a toss that you have had enough

It's really to your advantage that he's not putting up a fight. (I do hope that he means it when he says he is moving out and that this is not a ploy to get you to back down.)

You will be much happier without the misery of trying to hold up a relationship with someone who does not care for you or respect you. Because that is no way to live a happy or fulfilling life.

Here's to a life where you can be free to be yourself again - rather than unloved and downtrodden.

He has just been to pick up some of his stuff and has now left and has left his keys. I just can't believe after 7 years this is it. He really doesn't even seem to care although he says he does

I am actually scared at the thought of being in charge of money, bills, shopping etc. How pathetic is that.

Yes, it does sound rather silly that a grown woman is scared at the thought of being an independent being

Come on, you are better than that

This bloke has taken the easy way out. What a snivelling coward. But you are neither of those things so pull your Big Girl Pants up and get on with it.

Don't be scared Cant, you'll get loads of support on here. I left exdh and managed and I was as worried as you.

Yes it may sound silly but this has been my life since we moved in together when I was 16 I haven't ever been alone and the thought is rather daunting to say the least

In fact I was better off financially, he was hopeless with money.

Wouldn't you rather stand on your own two feet than be hanging on to the ankles of a selfish twat like him ?

My 16yo could figure out how to pay a bill and buy a weekly shop so you can too.