Old rape

[Paradisetarmaced]

I don't need tons of handholding, just musing on what happened to me. I was raped 8 years ago. I mentioned this on mn recently though I have had my post deleted. I have not mentioned this to a single soul in rl. A poster who read it before it was deleted suggested I post here. I do wish that I had done something at the time but to protect others but I decided to pretend that it hadn't happened. Please don't flame me or criticise my spelling.
I admit that I feel guilty and embarrassed.
For ages I was terrified of going to the small town where it happened and still avoid it now. I wonder if I am the only one. I would never mention this to anyone in rl so don't suggest counselling. Should I keep it buried. I feel pretty stupid.

No flamings will happen here at all OP - well done for being so brave to talk about it now.

Please don't feel guilty for not telling anyone about it when it happened - you haven't caused other women to be raped. If anyone else was a victim too, that is because of the rapist and the onus is absolutely not on you.

I think the fact that you've posted this here shows that you're starting to feel ready to talk about things, and it might help to open up about it.

Just to reiterate - you are a victim. You have done nothing wrong, and you have nothing to be ashamed about. You haven't let anyone down and I'm so sorry that you have been through this.

My feelings are embarrassment, shame and guilt.

Firstly may I start with saying. I am so sorry for what happened to you, and I can assure you no-one will flame you on here without being flamed themselves. You have my word on that and I have got to 38 without ever going back on my word. I'm not going to start now.
You need support Paradise, you're not going to get through it alone even if you decide not to press charges you can still get counselling, but I hope you do as this thing needs to be punished. Keeping your head buried is not an option. You have nothing to feel stupid about.

I'm sorry you had such a traumatic experience. It doesn't really matter that you didn't report it at the time. Many victims of assault, especially in the past, didn't feel able to do so for various reasons. Things are different now and, even if reporting it doesn't necessarily result in a prosecution or conviction, you deserve to tell your story and be taken seriously.

Here on MN, we believe you. IRL there are agencies like Rape Crisis who can offer more practical support.

Good luck whatever you decide

Op you are doing a brave thing. Is the memory of this (or the effort of suppressing it) holding you back in parts of your life now?

I was pinned down with his hand clamped over my mouth for over an hour. I was staying in his spare bedroom for the night. I know how long it was because I was focussing on the Church bells to tell me the time. It was also pancake day and I had to go straight from there to school to see dd's in the pancake race.

I wonder how common it is to just block it out.
I didn't stand a chance. I'm 8 st and he was/ is 6 ft and very fit. There was no point even wriggling.

No one would ever believe it. He is a respected employer in the area.

OP, I'm very sorry that happened to you. FWIW, I believe you.

Please don't feel embarrassed shameful or guilty. You didn't ask for this to happen to you.

It's very common for rape victims to stay quiet to protect people. That's what one of my best friend's did. I think it's very common to block it out.
The problem is that blocked traumatic experience doesn't stay blocked and it keeps impinging on one's consciousness until one is willing to acknowledge it.

I don't think you should keep it buried, I agree you might get in touch with Rape Crisis. You can just chat on the phone to them, but they also have counsellors to help women exactly like you. It's a lot easier talking to a stranger than telling friends and family. I do think you need to share it with someone.

I'm not convinced people would never believe it, at the very least, the last two years of celebrity exposures have shown that people in respected positions can be pervs.

Too embarrassed to mention it to single soul.
I realised that I had to endure it. I had over an hour at the time to think. The actual act wasn't over an hour but he kept me pinned down with hand over mouth for that time.

When you say you are embarrassed, why is that? Do you feel you were foolish? Or that you were responsible in some way?

Others have pointed out that times have very much changed, women are being taken more seriously and treated with far more understanding and sensitivity. You would be believed

Embarrassment isn't a reason not to tell someone, it's a hurdle en route to the goal of coming to terms with what happened, and feeling more ok in yourself. It might be worth enduring the embarrassment of telling the first person to achieve that outcome.

I promise that the first time you mention is the worst, the second is easier etc. It's not as if lots of people need to know. But I think you need to share this for your own wellbeing.

All the people I know who've experienced sexual trauma felt so much better for having talked about it.

Paradise, I am so sorry to hear what happened to you, it must have been awful. Actually, awful doesn't really cut it. If you are feeling the need to unravel your feelings and straighten your head out a bit, it might help to talk to Samaritans. They are completely confidential, non-judgemental people who are anonymously at the end of the phone so you can get things off your chest. Hearing a real voice discussing all this with you might really help. It would also show you that people will believe you, and people do care.

I've never met a sex attack victim (I should use the term 'survivor') who didn't feel guilty, or blame themselves in some way.

The guilt feeling is not because you did anything wrong, that's how sex attacks make people feel, all people, not just you.

People tend to internalise the horrible feelings and think 'because I feel this I must have done something wrong, or I must be a bad person'. But you feel like this only because someone did something horrific to you.

Thank you for your responses. I'm going to sleep on it.

How are you feeling today OP?

What an awful experience.

Only you can judge whether reporting this will help you or not.

But I would say this. Men who do this, do this. He appears a respected local employer. Other women may suffer as a result. going through this may help and protect others.