Old rape

[Paradisetarmaced]

I don't need tons of handholding, just musing on what happened to me. I was raped 8 years ago. I mentioned this on mn recently though I have had my post deleted. I have not mentioned this to a single soul in rl. A poster who read it before it was deleted suggested I post here. I do wish that I had done something at the time but to protect others but I decided to pretend that it hadn't happened. Please don't flame me or criticise my spelling.
I admit that I feel guilty and embarrassed.
For ages I was terrified of going to the small town where it happened and still avoid it now. I wonder if I am the only one. I would never mention this to anyone in rl so don't suggest counselling. Should I keep it buried. I feel pretty stupid.

I'd never be believed. Yes, I feel terribly guilty about any other victims.
I used to believe strongly that this stuff should be reported for those reasons but when it happened I completely changed my views.

Going through the criminal justice system as a sex offence complainant is very tough, it's easy to encourage others to do it but much harder to do so yourself.

When you say you won't be believed - do you mean your friends, the police, or the wider community?

I was raped 26 years ago. For some reason it's only been in the past 6 months I've started to fall apart and only recently have I told anyone other than my husband. I told my husband about 4 years ago when I was going through a bad patch. I've had bad patches before but have coped. Without help, I wouldn't have coped this time as it's all become too much.

Time hasn't healed, it's made things worse. Apparently that's common and I wish if got help years ago

I think that people block things out when that's what's necessary in order to survive it. I think at other times of our life what we need (in order to be happy and healthy) is actually to talk about it. Just because one strategy worked before, doesn't mean you might not need a different strategy now.

Sounds to me as though this "bubbling up to the surface" means you're ready to talk about some of it.

We're listening and we believe you.

Joy, Empire and others.
I'm so sorry. It's a club that no one wants to be part of.
I'd love to see him in prison but I'd never be believed. Esp after so long. I should have gone straight to police. I know that.

I think police culture is changing after Saville, Stuart Hall, Max Clifford and Rolf Harris...

Length of time since event and status of individual is not now a good reason to disbelieve anyone.

I think the police believing you and your friends believing you are two separate issues, your friends and any counsellor you felt you could talk to would definitely believe you.

He'd just deny it. I'd have no backup because I have never mentioned it to anyone.

Of course he'd deny it, everyone accused of rape denies it, that's par for the course. The fact that you didn't mention it to anyone at the time is neither here nor there.

I think it's possible to report a crime to police and say you don't want pursue it, but you would like it to be on file in case someone else reports him.

I'm not sure if I'm correct about that, so you might check with a police officer.

Technically I think if they had enough evidence to proceed they could do so without your agreement, but in historic rape cases the only evidence is you, without your co-operation there's no case.

For me it was different, mine was rape by a previous partner and I minimised it because I didn't want to see myself as a victim.

I think the recent high profile cases are what's broke the camels back as I now know he treated others he was subsequently in relationships with badly too. At best, sexually selfish, at worst...?

With people saying the victims were lying as they'd have said something at the time, others blaming the victims for not speaking out as this would have protected others, that's what I struggle with because I blame myself too.

I'm just hoping to find a coping strategy to come to peace with my past and stop letting it rule my future. I self sabotage anything good in my life because I don't deserve it, I have an eating disorder to punish myself and keep a protective blanket of fat wrapped around me.

I wish I'd got help earlier rather than thinking that DH would be enough to help me through because it's been snowballing

If you can, please talk to somebody to help you deal with your own feelings just in case you go down the same path and things get worse for you too

I must agree that getting help is the key issue here. That's much more important than the whole question of going to police.

I also agree that if you don't treat things they rattle around in your unconscious causing all kinds of problems.

I am really sorry that this has happened to you. Would you consider talking to Rape Crisis?

www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

They have a freephone helpline too: 0808 802 9999

You could speak to someone completely confidentially, they may be able to help, advise or just listen. You don't have a duty to do anything you don't want to do. They will not force you to report it. They may be able to help you though as this is a very traumatic thing for you to deal with alone.

Good luck op

I couldn't possibly tell anyone in rl, couldn't tell dh who was dp at the time. No idea how he'd react. I could try ringing that number; thanks for that. It's not trauma because it was years ago now. I'm not sure what the normal reaction should be. I know what I should have done at the time but I didn't do it.
Thank you and thanks for pms. The fear of not being believed is overwhelming

I understand you feel you couldn't tell someone in real life. But that's just fear talking. You could, you would be believed, and you would be supported. Whether you told a counsellor at Rape Crisis or one of your close friends.

Telling a partner is more complicated because it affects him directly.

Just because it was some years ago now doesn't mean it wasn't traumatic. That you still avoid the town where it happened, shows you are still traumatised by it. Buried trauma can manifest in things like PTSD, anxiety disorders, depression...

It's not really fear. It's crashing embarrassment, guilt and shame. I wouldn't like to disturb anyone else's life. I think dh would go ballistic.
I'll ring that number tomorrow afternoon.
Part of me wants revenge. I'd like him to suffer.

That's an added complication. I feel as if I've been 'unfaithful' ie 'slept' with someone else although it was nothing like sex. It was assault. It just felt like a terrible assault.

Sounds like you're ready sweetheart.

Are you sure you don't have a trusted someone in RL?

Sometimes those people come from the most unexpected quarters.

Good luck.draw on your inner courage and strength that's got you to this point.

This only came up because someone started a lighthearted thread ( that I ruined) asking how life would have been if mn was around 20 years ago and I immediately posted that I would have reported the rape. Someone, possibly the op, can't remember, suggested that I post here.
It's very upsetting.

I understand that - but feelings guilt, shame or embarrassment are not a reason not to tell someone. The reason you don't want to tell anyone is because you're afraid of the strength of those feelings, you don't want to feel them because they're horrible, and you don't want to be overwhelmed by them.

There's something about keeping stuff in and telling no-one that keeps them bottled up under pressure, slightly numb, but nonetheless all as strong as when you first experienced them. When you allow yourself to express these feelings, you allow yourself to talk about them, they begin to dissipate and you begin come to terms with them.

That's the principle of 'catharsis' - the expression of emotion leading to the cleansing of emotion, resulting in renewal and restoration.

^That was a reply to your post at 20:25 OP.

It's possible that your husband will go some apeshit, some guys do - he may feel angry, powerless, like he failed to protect you, guilty that you couldn't tell him etc - that's why it's easier to talk to a counsellor and female friends first.

Empire. Well put. It's nothing like sex.
I can't believe how brave you are being.
Thank you all for believing me.
I plan to ring that number tomorrow afternoon.