What is the best relationship advice you have ever been given?

[mameulah]

Am a bit struggling just now. Would appreciate some wisdom.

tia

It is absolutely crucial to have a shared moral agenda. This clicked for me a couple of years ago, it was something I'd never really thought about before but it totally makes sense. Your core beliefs fundamentally have to align - if they don't, then one of you will be unhappily compromising yourself, which never ends well, one or both of you will be sneaking around, lying about what you're doing, or you will keep returning back to the same arguments time and time again because you cannot change your core beliefs.

It doesn't matter even if one person's core beliefs on an issue is "more moral" than the other's, you can't ask somebody to compromise on that, you must be in agreement.

The "more than a year" thing is from "The Rules". It's a good rule of thumb just on numbers if you very strongly know you want marriage, although I think "The Rules" is a bunch of ridiculous game playing bullshit TBH.

Don't hide arguments or disagreements from your children. They will suspect something anyway and it's better to share so they don;t feel concerned where there is no need to.

You can't make someone treat you well. If they don't, leave and never look back.

Ah yes, 'The Rules'. Excuse me while I hurl. I bought a copy years ago and read it cover to cover. Loved it. Haven't laughed so much at a book ever!

'Don't hide arguments or disagreements from your children'
OH MY GOD YES to this. I'm almost 35 and have only very recently, and with the help of psychotherapy, learned how to argue calmly, reasonably and without being on the edge of a nervous breakdown over it, thinking that the sky is about to fall in. Disagreeing, negotiating, compromising and knowing when to stick to your guns are very subtle skills that have to be learned. Parents do their children no favours by pretending everything is rosy when its not. Of course, this is assuming that parents know how to argue in a healthy way - don't get me started.....

People can only treat you how you allow yourself to be treated.

This was probably the best, as you can apply it to non romantic relationship as well. Friends can only take advantage of you if you let them and put up with it. People can only belittle you if you don't stand up for yourself. A partner can only treat you like shit if you decide to stay with them.

Putting it into practise involves raising your children to have a strong sense of self respect and confidence though.

Both my parents also spent a life time of drilling it into us that if someone cheats on us, we tell them to go fuck themselves, and finish things. And if someone raises their hand against us...we tell them immediately.

I've been in the former situation a few times, and it would have been impossible to have stayed. It went against everything my parents taught me. It was never even an option. I have luckily never been in the second situation. I don't really want to think about what my parents would do if it happened - but I'm pretty sure I would never hear from the man in question ever again.

Growing up my nan lived with us and during my teenage years she was like a best friend and much older sister rolled into one. My mum always thought she was a lovely sweet old fashioned lady but I got to know her dark side and she taught me some of the rudest jokes I've ever heard and gave me lots of relationship advice. Here are some of the best pearls of wisdom, most of which I actually do believe in whole heartedly;

A man's shoes tell you everything you need to know about him.

Don't even speak to men with dirty finger nails.

Men with beards are always trying to hide something.

Your man should always love and need you a little bit more than you love and need him.

A man that tells you that you have beautiful eyes will definitely cheat on you.

Don't trust men who don't like dogs. This actually goes for all people.

Don't trust men who are vegetarians.

Don't trust men who weigh less than 13 stone.

Don't trust men with soft hands.

DH's nan told us that 'Love'll get you there' meaning, that as long as you love each other you can get through most things.
She also told us not to forget each other when children come along. You borrow your children, but your DH/DW is yours. Something like that.

Make time for each other and remember why you fell in love in the first place.

However, I do agree that if you are unhappy don't stick it out just for the sake of the kids or because its too much hassle to separate because what's the point of being unhappy all the time?

Trust your instincts. They will alert you to possible red flags before your heart will.

Annarose2014 Mon 06-Oct-14 10:33:02
A priest of all people once said something that struck me: "Marriage is meant to be based on sexual love - you're not meant to be just friends

Amen!

My favourite aunt (whom I wish had lived to meet my two DS), used to say "better an empty house than a bad tenant".

She's been proven right so many times.

I actually like the al anon advice in this context: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't change it. People are what they are, listen to them when they tell you who they are and you have absolutely no chance of fundamentally changing anyone.

That, and the talking has to start sometime. Lust is lovely, but it's not the be all and end all of a LTR.

If you feel like it might be over, note the dates, the misdemeanours, and set a future date when you promise yourself you will assess all you have recorded. If it hasn't gotten any better - leave. Worked for me. I left. Good luck OP

LTB.

Not that I took the advice until I was good and ready, of course.

Make sure you hide your spare cash in your stocking leg. Just in case you ever need it.

If you don't it's a bonus and if you do you've got it and can make a quick getaway.

My gran's advice. She was married to a gambler.

Slightly tongue in cheek but so true:

Relationships are like farts: if you have to force it, it's probably shit.

'the only reason you need to end a relationship is that it's not working for you'

Pay attention to what he does, not what he says (and don't spend ages agonising over what's going on in his head while he does it, just ask yourself "is the behaviour acceptable?")

If you're not sure, the answer's no.

You're a long time dead! Make decisions about the one life you've got accordingly.

The reason to be in a relationship is to make the other person happy, not to make yourself happy.

As long as you both feel that way you'll be ok.

My Mum keeps saying you have a choice: either put up and shut up, or leave.

I'm not sure I agree with that as sometimes it can be worked at instead! But I think she means if it's not major then have a certain blind eye to his faults, or go and find someone else to live with their faults instead.

Designer - what you said about "a man who tells you that your eyes are beautiful will always cheat on you" means I am doomed as my eyes are the most beautiful thing about me

In the early days ,, if someone tries to tell you what they are like - believe them !! Am 45 now and am just realising how true this is .. .. ..

My mum spent years telling me that if I kept picking the same sort of men, I'd keep having the same sort of problems. Actions speak louder than words, listen to people when they tell you who they are and kindness in a person is massively important. And my first truly happy relationship happened when I started listening to her.

Be kind to each other.

Laugh with, not at, each other.
Hire a cleaner!
Let the small stuff go if the big stuff is worth holding onto.

You can't change someone else's behaviour, you can only change your own reaction to it.

So many people women constantly think they can 'change' their partner's behaviour - no man is suddenly going to start washing up/looking after the baby/earning tons more money over night. Don't just sit back and wait for him to change .......... take action yourself - which probably means LTB .