What is the best relationship advice you have ever been given?

[mameulah]

Am a bit struggling just now. Would appreciate some wisdom.

tia

My grandparents who have been married 50years+ told me that comprises is the key and working together. It takes 2 hands to clap, it takea 2 hands to make a marriage successful. They are a mixed race couple who got married back in the day and got a lot of shit about getting married from everyone. Grandad said if I put thr kettle on she put tea bags in the cup etc.

You can always leave. You don't need a reason.

Don't waste your love (or time) on somebody who doesn't love you.

And that advice was given to me before I got married 5years ago

Learn how to say five little words: "you are right about that". Accept when you are wrong, help your partner do the same, it saves lots of arguments. Spologise immediately if you balls up.

When I was agonising over my feelings for then-dp, the best advice I got was, "when you haven't seen him for a bit and you do, what is your response?"

Dp came to pick me up from the station that day. He was wearing the most ridiculous vest thing because he had been working out. And I realised my first reaction was to smile. I think that's when I decided to marry him.

When the pain of being with him is worse than the pain of being without him, its time to leave

Nothing is permanent.

It used to bring me the greatest comfort when things were going wrong. Now, it scares me fully to think I could ever lose my DH.

Always be financially independent and have the means to live on you own. I think women who rely on a mans income are at a distinct disadvantage from day one.

Look at the way they treat their dog before you agree to marry them (hindsight is a wonderful thing!)

On a more serious note - marriage is something you BOTH have to work at on a permanent basis. You have to continually put the effort in and not get complacent (shouldn't be an effort if it's working)

Oh and I agree with Sickoffrozen too

Is this the relationship that you'd like your children to have?

Alleycat, I love your mum's advice.

Mine is very trite, a quote from Samantha on SATC -

"Does your relationship make you look like this or like this ?"

The right one will bring out the best in you.

A priest of all people once said something that struck me: "Marriage is meant to be based on sexual love - you're not meant to be just friends"

Pay attention to actions, not intentions.

How often do you hear people excuse shitty partners with 'They didn't mean to do it' 'But they're really nice, really' and other lines? Always focusing on the image of the person they have in their head and not how they are actually being treated by them. I've done it myself- in one relationship I was absolutely bewildered how my lovely, kind boyfriend was viewed by everyone else as a bit of a dick. They only saw how he behaved, while I was caught up in how I thought he 'really' was. If I'd paid more attention to his actions I would have realised that he wasn't all that lovely and kind.

So yeah, if you're with someone who's a diamond but you keep getting hurt by them in various situations and excusing them in your mind, something doesn't measure up.

Always have your running away money!

My own theory:

There four elements to a successful relationship: Love, passion, friendship and respect.

All else can/should be worked on but these are either there or they're not and if they're not the relationship can't be successful long term

Actions speak louder than words.

You can be alone without being lonely, and lonely when you're not alone.

You can end a relationship for any reason, just because.

If someone treats you badly, it is rarely unknowingly and if it is, you don't need to be the one to educate them about it.

Don't stay with anyone more than a year who wouldn't marry you

Don't agree with this one sorry, plenty of relationships work fine without marriage!!

I was given plenty of advice but sadly I wasn't listening to any of it. So.... I would say, listen carefully to what he is saying about himself and listen to what other people say about him too.

You accept the love you think you deserve

I've written about this before .. but it was when an acquaintance .. I can't really call him a friend as such - he was a older chap who used to run a little printing business in an adjoining industrial unit to where my ex and I had our business. He'd seen and observed our relationship and how my ex treated me etc and he just came out with it one day...

'Fontella, why don't you just go and lie down over there by the door and let Mr Fontella wipe his feet on you on the way in?'

I was so shocked my jaw literally dropped open .. but then in that exact second I saw my relationship for what it was. It was true, I was nothing more than a fucking doormat and I was allowing my ex to walk all over me.

It took the words of this kindly man (who wasn't a gossip or anything like that, minded his own business and never made any kind of personal comment prior to that) to make me see the truth of my situation.

I never looked back after that, and I got shot of the fucker - my ex that is - within days.

People are unlikely to really, fundamentally, change.

Experience gave me that particular gem.

'Don't stay with anyone more than a year who wouldn't marry you'

'Don't agree with this one sorry, plenty of relationships work fine without marriage!'

Completely agree - marriage is an option these days. I have no intention of marrying my DP but am fully committed to him. Its a problem with marriage, not with him.

Good advice from a friend of mine when I was agonising over whether an ex was 'worth it' he definitely wasn't: 'it's not about what he's worth, its about what you're worth'.