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Original poster

How would you feel if your boyfriend said these things to you about his ex...?

55 replies

treeoutsidemyhouse · 05/10/2014 21:16

They went out for 8 months last year. He mentions her a lot. She just seems to pop up in conversations every now and then. He says he can't stand her, that she was crazy, had mental health problems, was stupid/thick (despite having a PhD and holding an academic position at a local university), that she was rude to his friends, that she was vain/shallow (only cared about designer goods). He said that she never meant anything to him (despite being his longest relationship in 15 years - he said that his previous relationships only last on average a couple of months). I know that he had introduced her to his elderly parents and had gone on several holidays with her including a holiday with a friend's family.

I asked him what it was that he saw in her then and he said that it was all about sex - that she was "very wild" and that he didn't want to go into details.

It makes me think that he still has feelings for her and also screams alarm bells in that he doesn't seem to have anything nice to say about her. I don't really like any thing that he is saying tbh.

What do others think?

OP posts:
CatKisser · 05/10/2014 21:18

No, you're right to worry, IMO. There's SO much in there I'd be unhappy about.

CatKisser · 05/10/2014 21:18

No, you're right to worry, IMO. There's SO much in there I'd be unhappy about.

Levismum · 05/10/2014 21:19

He sounds awful...Runnnnn!

SanityClause · 05/10/2014 21:20

Slagging off Exs is a big red flag.

Also, mentionitis does seem to imply he's not over her.

I'd be quite wary, actually. Sorry. Sad

LeftRightCentre · 05/10/2014 21:21

This person would no longer be my boyfriend.

Original poster
treeoutsidemyhouse · 05/10/2014 21:22

The mention about sex made me feel quite shit too. Why would someone mention that . I've never been out with anyone who felt it necessary to tell me about the wild sex they've had in previous relationships. I would be right to feel insecure about that?

OP posts:
CatKisser · 05/10/2014 21:22

Oh and the "wild" sex comment?
Nice - keeps you on your toes - aimed to keep you competing to be "hottest."

Bleurgh.

ChippingInLatteLover · 05/10/2014 21:23

The fact that 8 months is the longest relationship he's had in 15 years would concern me, then that he's so willing to tell you it was all about the wild sex and slate her in every other way. There's a reason the others have dumped him after a couple of months. Run now.

nc987654321 · 05/10/2014 21:23

I'd also be wondering about the shortness of his other previous relationships Hmm

FelicityGubbins · 05/10/2014 21:24

I think that he doesn't have "love" feelings for her, but as his longest term relationship she is the closest comparison "thing" for his relationship with you, he is probably telling the truth that she got on his tits but was a good shag, and that in a roundabout way is saying that he is happier with you than he ever was with her

(my DH was very much like this with me about his ex when I first met him, and we have been together 20 years, about 6-7 months in he shut up about her and concentrated on his relationship with me. I doubt he could remember her name now)

MummyBeerest · 05/10/2014 21:24

I'd feel insecure about it. How long have you been with him?

SweetErmengarde · 05/10/2014 21:25

The fact that he has so much to say about her is in itself a red flag.

When someone is out of my life and I am emotionally "done" with them, I don't feel the need to discuss them at all.

pippinleaf · 05/10/2014 21:33

My ex once told me he had dated a friend, someone he was still friends with, but that as it 'was based on insane lust and passion' it was never going to last. I thought this man was dreadful in bed, completely boring, and it always played on my mind. When we did split up I really enjoyed telling him how awful he was in bed. I could certainly not get past those comments so no blame if you can't either

SweetErmengarde · 05/10/2014 21:40

So he dated her for 8 months last year; how long have you been together?

If there wasn't much of a gap between breaking up with the ex and getting together with you, that's another red flag IMO.

In your place (and I've been there!), I'd be telling him he clearly isn't over the ex and my time is too precious to be someone's rebound.

But then I am a bitch and a cynic, so totally understand if milder counsels prevail....

AlleyCat11 · 05/10/2014 21:43

We talk about exes. The difference is that he will say something about his previous relationship, the reasons it failed. But not slag off his ex. I wouldn't listen to that. It could easily be your name in there next...

JohnFarleysRuskin · 05/10/2014 21:46

DH and I discuss a lot of things, but who was wild in bed - never.

That's a really stupid thing to say and I'm sorry he said that to you.

tribpot · 05/10/2014 21:47

Can you invent an ex with whom you also had wild sex? Then start sympathising "yes, I know what you mean. Somehow it's hard to see how you can match what you've had when it's been really wild .. " "Anyway ... "

Clearly he's nowhere near over this woman, clearly she dumped him because he's got an inferiority complex about successful women. I'd pay yourself the compliment of dumping him so he can start rhapsodising about how great you were to his next poor girlfriend.

Twinklestein · 05/10/2014 22:01

I'd know he had major problems with women and dump him.

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 05/10/2014 22:07

How would I feel? Gutted that my standards had plummeted so low.

FelicityGubbins · 05/10/2014 22:13

I missed the bit where she was his longest relationship in 15 years! I assumed you were both 20ish, he sounds incompetent tbh...

Solasum · 05/10/2014 22:49

Call me old fashioned, but in my opinion a Nice Man would not talk about any woman, particularly an ex, with so little respect. Does he respect you, OP?

Simplesusan · 05/10/2014 23:03

I'd be worried , he doesn't sound as though he likes women.

BerylStreep · 05/10/2014 23:15

I agree with everything that has already been said. I also don't like the references to her 'only being interested in designer stuff'.

Judgy, and also the potential to be financially controlling.

Russettbella1000 · 05/10/2014 23:19

Agree with above-he objectifies women...wants them for what he can get from them but doesn't care too much about them as a whole living, thinking, being human! Does he ask you many questions, does he want to know who you really are or is he content with you just because you fulfil the 'role' as his girlfriend?

RoundhouseKick · 05/10/2014 23:26

It would tell me that he will probably say similar stuff about you when it's over

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