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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Had suspicions for a while, is this Voyeurism?

115 replies

Herewegoagain2014 · 05/10/2014 13:50

Bit of background me and my hd have been together 11years married for 9. We have a DS together.
My DH has never been I to porn as such but sometimes looks at strange pics but not porn.
For years now I've occasionally come across very odd google searches but never really understood what it was about.

We have just come back from a 2week holiday and really reconnected after a few rocky years.

We recently bought a MacBook and my DS and DH share the Apple ID.
My DS called me in to change his screen saver and the PC just went into photosteam and I'm sickened.
I sent DS away so I could see what these pics were and on our holidays when we was so say reading on his ipad there are tonnes of pics of women bending over, them lying down on sun loungers with pics up there skirts. There is about 50odd pics of all diff women.

What the hell do I do? This is not a isolated incident as last year I found loads of downloaded pics and videos on our shared PC and after doing some digging he was getting round the Internet filter by using searches of "ups" clearly "up skirt" pics. After confronting last year I made it clear if this ever happened again he was out!

What the hell do I do? Is it me am I a prude or is this behavior or him not at all on?

I could do with advise if I should confront him or not?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
FelicityGubbins · 05/10/2014 15:41

According to a quick google search "upskirting" can be prosecuted under the sexual offences act...

AnyFucker · 05/10/2014 15:56

He is going to bring you all down. All of you, including his children

Please don't stick around until his compulsion wrecks his kid's lives

Viviennemary · 05/10/2014 16:00

That is horrific. If the police knew about this he would be facing criminal charges. Very very serious indeed. IMHO.

TooMuchCantBreath · 05/10/2014 16:15

Fgs, it's pretty obvious that I was saying that part of it could possibly be debated between partners but that the bit about dc seeing couldn't.

You think it's sick, someone else thinks it's a turn on, another thinks it is a nothing event. ... none of that matters because a child was exposed to it and that constitutes abuse which is a far bigger issue than anything else here.

cafesociety · 05/10/2014 16:17

You are not a prude, it is weird and sick behaviour, he's had a warning...he's not bothered, it sounds like a long standing addiction.

What to do? Get rid. Personally being in a relationship with someone like that would make my skin crawl. Be glad you have a DS not a DD.

HumblePieMonster · 05/10/2014 16:17

If its clear he's actually making images of women, covertly, I think you need to go to the police. You might want to ensure your safety before you do that - get him out of the house and an order to keep him away, or you and your children go to relatives. Or contact Women's Aid.
I'm so sorry. What a shock for you.

Original poster
Herewegoagain2014 · 05/10/2014 16:26

I will be leaving him! Although I need to make a exit plan!
Also I need to make an appointment with a solisitor ASAP.

I'm going to dig a little more tomorrow, and will be confronting him I will need a bit of time as its DS birthday in the week so will do it after then.

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 05/10/2014 16:32

Did your DS see the images?

BitOutOfPractice · 05/10/2014 16:33

"The rights and wrongs of taking pics of people in public is debatable" Erm no it's not!

OP I'm sorry you've made this discovery. What a shock to find that he is disprecting the agreed boundrie you have set. And you and your DC as well.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/10/2014 16:35

There is never a good time to leave. Not confronting your DH until after your son's birthday whilst understandable is actually not that great an idea. Its putting off the inevitable and this needs to be done now. Also he would likely deny everything if confronted. He needs to be away from both you and your son today. How can you bear to even look at him anymore?.

Are you going to talk to the Police also about your discovery of this material?. His shame is not yours to bear after all but you know what he has been doing. Your embarrassment at this discovery does not trump the violation of those women he has taken photos of.

Joysmum · 05/10/2014 16:42

Report the fucker.

I didn't report 26 years ago and I am now getting help for the burden of guilt I carry as these men don't change and others will be affected. That's really hard to bare. Sad

AnyFucker · 05/10/2014 16:42

....and after your son's birthday Xmas is just around the corner...

the longer you delay, the more chance your own mind will sabotage you and you will end up brushing this under the carpet

again

aturtlenamedmack · 05/10/2014 16:51

I think the thing is, you said you would leave if he did it again - he has, so you've got to go.
He won't stop, if you don't go you're just going to confirm to he can continue with this behaviour and get away with it.
He is violating other women, think about how you would feel if you found out that some perv was getting off on photos that he'd secretly taken of you on the beach.

Jux · 05/10/2014 17:40

If you don't kick him out over this second (that you know of) transgression, then you're just giving him permission to carry on, aren't you?

He can take ds out for a special birthday treat the day after; that way ds gets two days' worth of birthday celebrations!

He is potentially risking your son's innocence. He knows he shares the computer with him, so he knows that your son is very likely to see the pictures. And yet, the pictures are there. There's no excuse.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 05/10/2014 17:51

I think the looking at images on the net is one thing. Borderline illegal but possibly not a deal breaker BUT the photographing of unsuspecting women I am completely Shock Shock Shock at.

Have ALL your exit strategy completed before you tell him you know. I would be tempted to get the police involved but maybe keep that as a bargaining chip but I'm a mardy cow if pushed to the limit me! Good luck OP.

Original poster
Herewegoagain2014 · 05/10/2014 18:00

Dinnae - that's what I was thinking.
I AM going to kick him out no question of that. But I have to see a solisitor as this is my house its nothing to do with him, plus we have a nice sum in our joint account so need to find out about legalities of when I stand in clearing out that account.
He works nights this week so I will barley see him.
My plan is DS is out at a sleep over Sunday and pick him up from school as usual on Monday. Sunday is the only day I can have it out with him when he returns from work at mid day.
In terms or reporting him, yeah I would but he's a crafty bastard so I think I will use it as a bargaining tool.
I don't want him having half my house he has paid nothing towards!

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 05/10/2014 18:05

If it is your house, OP, he can move out straight away.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 05/10/2014 18:27

The solicitor will tell you whether early disclosure to the Police is likely to get you a more generous settlement or what the best way to handle it is. The two are not linked in reality without the blackmail word creeping in! You could always threaten to disclose unless he goes without claim to the house but swear afterwards you never said such a thing if you have to. He may prefer to stay out of the hands of the police and sign his entitlement over to you, just move on paying his maintenance as he goes but that is probably wishful thinking. these things have a habit of taking on a life of their own once it's all 'out there'.
Galling as it is, he would probably be entitled to half the value of the house even if he were arrested, charged and on the sex offenders register. It's a real bummer! I feel for you here

Darkesteyes · 05/10/2014 18:35

He was taking intrusive photos of women while on holiday with you. Christ is nowhere safe. Shock

He should be prosecuted and pap photographers who do upskirt shots should be too.

Its a violation in both cases. Sorry you are going through this OP Thanks

AnyFucker · 05/10/2014 18:43

OP, ask hi how he would feel if a daughter of his was upskirted by a sad middle aged man

I expect he would feel murderous about it

or would he ?

one has to wonder...

43percentburnt · 05/10/2014 18:59

Can he delete the pics? Think you may need them as evidence to help with divorce but no idea if getting copies for yourself is legal. My biggest worry is even f you leave him he will still take pics. Firstly it's really vile, secondly your children may have access to them on contact weekends - he hasn't protected the PC well if you and his work have found them. Will his photography extend to his sons teenage female friends?

I think you need to report to the police. Not doing so may leave you further problems as your son grows up.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 05/10/2014 19:10

Mmmm...having thought about it and discussed it with DH (ret. cop) I think ask solicitor first but then report to police. It's the immorality of it that would make me feel icky. Tempting to use it as a bargaining tool though! Agree with others about his inability to protect his own DS from his particular brand of home made porn. That would make me not want DS to go to his dads at all. If I had to report him to the cops to facilitate that so be it. It's hard, as by keeping schtum about what you have seen, it can reflect badly on you as a person too. What an awful position he has put you in - bastard!

Twinklestein · 05/10/2014 19:22

I dunno, I might give him one last chance & say the following:

You've destroyed your marriage over this, you may destroy your career, I won't go to the police on the proviso that you seek proper therapy to address this. If I don't believe you are fulfilling that I will be forced to report you.

AnyFucker · 05/10/2014 20:38

twinkle...you would really give him another chance ?

I wouldn't

his chances are spent, IMO

this is a compulsion, he will not stop until he has destroyed himself and those around him

Original poster
Herewegoagain2014 · 05/10/2014 20:53

No, no way is he having another chance after this! Last year was the last straw!
If I think back this has been going on for years. I found a DVD he had made and the date of it was pre wedding so yeah it's been going on for ages.
What with a EA with a colleague,
EA & One night stand with someone else.
Lying about this "habit" over a course of many years.
The stuff I found last year.
Now this, he's gone too far how many more warning does he need? And I would be a utter fool to go back on my word now.

No way he's out. I'm gonna see if I can get the history up from the last year and see how long he's been pulling the wool over my eyes.

OP posts: