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Original poster

What is considered a healthy level of self-interest in a fairly new relationship?

55 replies

1FluffyJumper · 04/10/2014 13:14

Hi Guys
Just that question really.
Have been seeing someone for just less that a year. We don't live together but it's on the cards.
I came to the relationship with my quiet life (though a very time consuming and tiring job) and no kids, and he came with a little one who he sees regularly (I wouldn't be with him if he wasn't committed to that relationship), a busy job and a couple of time consuming hobbies.
I often feel I'm last on the list of his priorities and our contact is the first to suffer if he has something 'more important' to do or he is tired.
I often feel like I do more of the running around for the relationship (we live half an hours drive apart), which I didn't mind so much at the start, but now it's starting to irritate me as I feel taken for granted and I've told him i'm going to do less...which often ends up in us seeing each other once a week rather than twice a week (be it maybe for the whole weekend).
The response I seem to be getting from him is that he is just so busy / tired / etc and he cant help it and is unwilling to change (granted that he did try to do more of a fair share for a bit but it now seems to have fallen by the wayside).
I have pretty low self-esteem and I don't know if i'm just over-thinking things.

OP posts:
Nulliferous · 04/10/2014 13:16

Sounds like he's not that bothered about you, tbh.

Dump.

Bluestocking · 04/10/2014 13:29

Agree with nulliferous. He's probably hoping (even if only subconsciously) that the relationship will wither on the vine and he can be released without having to be the bad guy. A person who was really into you would be making time, not making excuses. I think your self-esteem will be better served by breaking up with him now in a dignified way, leaving you in control.

Twinklestein · 04/10/2014 13:37

It sounds like you're not his priority, and it's not really going anywhere.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/10/2014 13:39

I don't think you're over-thinking. If you're unhappy and you feel he's got his priorities wrong then that's your opinion, your feelings, your needs and all of them are totally valid. Doesn't matter really what other people do or don't do in their relationships. If you want to improve your self-respect and self-esteem, it's up to you to either insist on what you want or reject what's being offered.

Personally, while I think people in relationships should have plenty of freedom and independence to pursue their own interests, there is no excuse for ignoring someone and taking it for granted that they'll still be there gratefully waiting for some attention. I would be completely hacked off if someone consistently placed me bottom of their priorities.

Original poster
1FluffyJumper · 04/10/2014 14:14

Truth is I'm not sure if I trust my own judgement.

The last guy I dated, I think in retrospect, was a bit narcissistic (I know I'm not in the position to diagnose but it seems to make sense). He was so full on at start and it made me feel so safe and cared for. There was a couple of red flags towards the end....then he seemed to have some sort of meltdown just after selling his flat to move in with me, and then told me my sister's kids were feral. I of course had a go about it and he flew off the handle, posted my keys back though my door and refused to have any more to do with me.

This guy, in contrast, seems to want to take things incredibly steadily (not a bad thing, just different). It took 6 months to meet his child (entirely fine), longer than that to admit his feelings to me and recently when I started worrying out loud about how we didn't seem to be going anywhere (hadn't discussed moving in in future etc) he said he was considering talking about the moving in thing about the one year mark. This made me feel somewhat better.

He's been hurt very much in the past and I don't know whether he's keen to preserve his live outside a relationship as a bumper in case we go t*ts up, or if he just isn't into me / capable of giving any more to any relationship..ever.

Feel a bit sad as he is a very good guy. I just feel like I'm on the periphery of 'his world.'

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/10/2014 14:19

Someone doesn't have to be a bad person to be the wrong person. Your post has a lot of 'he wants'.... he wants to take things steadily, he's considering moving in together (but only when put on the spot), he's been hurt in the past, he's keen to preserve his life....

Forget him. What do you want? Shoot for that!

Original poster
1FluffyJumper · 04/10/2014 14:22

Thank you Cognito x

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 04/10/2014 14:25

Work and child are his true priorities but his hobbies are optional. If someone really likes you they want to spend a lot if time with you , especially at the beginning. It sounds like he likes you but isn't that bothered so imo it's time to part ways.

lotsofcheese · 04/10/2014 14:25

It sounds like he's happy with a dating-type relationship, where you are eachother a couple of times a week, but not moving forward to a live-in relationship.

If that's not what you want, have a conversation about expectations & timescales. Move on if he doesn't match your expectations for the future.

Twinklestein · 04/10/2014 14:35

I don't think this is a reflection on you OP, I think anyone he was seeing would get the same treatment. I think he has his life and routine set up and he fits you around it.

Original poster
1FluffyJumper · 04/10/2014 14:42

Thank you all guys.

Twinklestein with this as the best case scenario (compared to him just not being that into me)...how do I get him to see he needs to make some changes for us to have any future, ...without appearing like I'm being controlling or p*ssing on all his fun?

OP posts:
Nulliferous · 04/10/2014 14:43

Absolutely not a reflection on you.

No point flogging a dead horse though.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/10/2014 14:46

Controlling is not the same as 'assertive'. Be assertive and follow through. e.g. "If we can't spend more time together and I keep being pushed down your priorities I don't see much of a future in the relationship". He should want to spend more time with you, after all. If the same thing happens as last time and he makes a bit of an effort before lapsing into old habits then he's had fair warning....

Assertive!!!!

lotsofcheese · 04/10/2014 14:47

I would suspect he's happy with the way things are & might not want to change. Call me a cynic though.....

Original poster
1FluffyJumper · 04/10/2014 14:57

Cheers Cognito.

I guess I just feel that by the fact that I have to tell him that I want more, I'm forcing him into something he doesn't want....and then what's the point. I shouldn't have to feel like I'm forcing him to see me when he doesn't seem to want to.

His lapse in effort seems to have coincided with another event thinking about it. We always use condoms and I have no reason to worry but I got myself checked out for STDs a couple of months into the relationship. All was fine. I told him he really needed to do the same just in case. A while ago he got checked out at the docs for some STDs but not all. I said he needed to get everything done cos every time we have sex, condom or not, it puts me at risk. He said he would get round it it. I kept asking and asking, and then after a while said there would be a sex embargo if he didn't pull his finger out. He keeps citing he's too busy at work and cant lose money at the moment. Too busy for this but not to take time off for other things. So about a month later I said I wasn't having sex again until it was sorted....he's still not going to get there for another couple of weeks it seems.

It's useful to write all this down. Things you don't feel you can share with people in real life.

OP posts:
Original poster
1FluffyJumper · 04/10/2014 14:58

BTW - he said from the start he likes his own space - as do I

OP posts:
xNix1 · 04/10/2014 15:03

How often to do met up? In your first post, it sounded like you often spend the whole weekend together?

MiniTheMinx · 04/10/2014 15:07

Wanting to talk about moving in before a year is too soon I would say. I would also suggest that there is a real problem with women in general being expected to stage manage relationships. If we don't men think we are odd, if we do we are being clingy and pushy. So don't do it.

Wait and and see. You can only be sure if someone's intentions are honest, and their actions have integrity if they act of their own free will. If he willingly wishes to spend more time with you he will, he might have already but hasn't, or may never choose to.

If you want more than he offers, consider if in years from now this same dynamic continues, how will you feel? He may move in but not pull his weight, not be prepared to get married, or share finances, or write you into his will....and all the time you will be pushing for more. If you create a dynamic where you are the sole person pushing things along, you will be doing this throughout. It causes resentment on both sides.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/10/2014 15:07

In this instance I think 'I like my own space' is code for 'back off...no woman is going to take up too much of my time....' Hmm The STD test thing is a little alien to me but that's probably a generational thing. What it seems to be, however, is another example of something that is important to you but which he dismisses as trivial.

You don't appear to be on the same page at all.

MiniTheMinx · 04/10/2014 15:10

I wasn't clear either when do you see him?

Plus, if you are both young what is the hurry?

Original poster
1FluffyJumper · 04/10/2014 15:15

Depends what weekend it is and what's on.

He has his little one EOW from Fri & Sat night till 4pm Sunday.

We sometimes do things together but for example last weekend he had a very important sporting event to attend on the Saturday...and then to watch all Sunday. I had lots of work to do so picked him up off train late Saturday night, stayed at his till very early Monday. He watched very important sporting event most of Sunday and I worked at the same time. I felt a bit ignored that Sunday and said as much. He felt I wasn't being ignored. Then was meant to be coming on the Wed evening to mine....well he cancelled a couple of hours before he is normally due as he was too tired, was going to get a very early night, and had a long drive in the opposite direction very early in the morning for work. I wasn't impressed.

He suggested coming over to his on Saturday (today) for tea with him and the wee one, but i turned him down on the basis that it's me doing all the running around again.

I'm trying to make sure I do one / he does one at the mo. It makes me feel better.

The weekend before that the 3 of us went to a member of his family's house for tea on the Saturday but he dropped me back at mine after at my request as I could be doing stuff while he did Dad / daughter things for the rest of that weekend. He was meant to come to mine after he'd dropped her off on the Sunday but he felt ill...as did I to be honest which was fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
1FluffyJumper · 04/10/2014 15:24

Mini...I'm 37 so he's probably my last chance for a family.

I'm not particularly fussed about marriage but felt the need to ask about the moving in thing...because if it wasn't even on his radar I would start to have got very worried. Starting to think about it after a year, as he said, seems reasonable to me.

I don't have any worries about him pulling his weight around the house kind of thing. He's more organised than I am in that respect. I'm more worried about scenarios like being told he cant see me through the week as he's only free on Wednesday...and he's got to mow the lawn as it's the only dry day he's got left to do it in.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/10/2014 15:25

You get stood up for lawn-mowing...? Hmm Last of the red-hot lovers he ain't...

MiniTheMinx · 04/10/2014 15:26

What is EOW?

So, he had daughter weekends but expects you to tag along when it suits?
He then watches sport in the only time you have together?
He is too tired or feeling ill quite a lot?
Wednesdays really are the only time he makes available just for you? Is that right?

He is doing quite a lot of avoidance and not much seeking you out. I wouldn't consider having "the what's the future" conversation with this one, for sure, you will be making yourself look a bit silly at this stage in view of his lack of enthusiasm.

MiniTheMinx · 04/10/2014 15:27

How old is he? Lawn mowing!!