What is considered a healthy level of self-interest in a fairly new relationship?

[1FluffyJumper]

Hi Guys
Just that question really.
Have been seeing someone for just less that a year. We don't live together but it's on the cards.
I came to the relationship with my quiet life (though a very time consuming and tiring job) and no kids, and he came with a little one who he sees regularly (I wouldn't be with him if he wasn't committed to that relationship), a busy job and a couple of time consuming hobbies.
I often feel I'm last on the list of his priorities and our contact is the first to suffer if he has something 'more important' to do or he is tired.
I often feel like I do more of the running around for the relationship (we live half an hours drive apart), which I didn't mind so much at the start, but now it's starting to irritate me as I feel taken for granted and I've told him i'm going to do less...which often ends up in us seeing each other once a week rather than twice a week (be it maybe for the whole weekend).
The response I seem to be getting from him is that he is just so busy / tired / etc and he cant help it and is unwilling to change (granted that he did try to do more of a fair share for a bit but it now seems to have fallen by the wayside).
I have pretty low self-esteem and I don't know if i'm just over-thinking things.

(Every Other Weekend... I'm guessing)

Thanks Cog, that makes sense

Hey... there's nothing wrong with lawn-mowing! Very meditational. But given the choice between that and a night of 'amore' and a few with my current squeeze I know which I'd choose. :)

I bet this guy doesn't even wrinkle the sheets....

EOW - every other weekend

I see him for longer periods on the weekend he doesn't have his wee one and occasionally we do stuff altogether.

This weekend was 'v important sporting event' (think men with small balls), so he was excited about that. I don't mind that kind of occasional thing, esp if i have work to do too, but when you try to have a conversation and he just doesn't process it (by occasional text / talking to him when TVs on), and you ferried him about from train station the night before, etc, ...well its disheartening.

Normal weekend patterns tho are - weekends with his daughter, I see him Sunday 4.30pm + after he's dropped her back till Monday morning. Weekends without daughter I see him maybe Sat 4pm till early Monday morning...as an average.

I see him some Wednesdays.

How long have you been together? Are you spending more or less time together now than at the start?

Are yo absolutely certain that he isn't keeping his options open in some way?

OP I think you are in the category of 'entertainment' rather than 'potential life partner'. You pleasantly fill the gaps between lawn-mowing, work, the Ryder Cup and his DD. A 'FWB' almost.

Together 10 months now.

Def seeing him more as we spend a lot longer together at weekends, when in the early days it was 2 dates a week.

Don't think he would have time for anyone else. I have met majority of his family and friends. Mentally and emotionally not getting in too deep may be his 'keeping options open' tho if you get my drift.

....and now i have removed the 'benefits' cognito

He's not that bothered. It doesn't make him a bad person - it actually makes him a happier and healthier one than someone who focuses exclusively on a couple-relationship.
I appreciate that you are at the stage where you want to find the father of your future children, and quickly. This man is not that person so you might be better served by moving on.

I would highly recommend you read the book 'He's just not that into you'.

It's an eye opener.

Go out and find someone who makes you his priority, and who would happily sack off the lawn mowing to spend a day with you.

I've been there, had a relationship with a selfish guy who only saw me when it suited him. I'm now with a wonderful man who never once made me doubt his feelings for me. Sure, he's busy, sure, there were times when we couldn't be together because of XYZ reason, but when those reasons are genuine, you never feel second best.

I hope you find someone who appreciates you for you OP

If you don't think he would have time for anyone else, why is this? It doesn't add up because you want to spend more time with him but he is too busy...but busy doing what? If what he is busy doing is his "thing" and his "thing" is quite rational and reasonable why would you want him to give that time up? Can you see that this is a contradiction. Instead, I think you actually would like him to give some of these thing up, you don't think these things can be too important to him, so why won't he give it up and spend more time with you? maybe he should but he isn't, and if he does give these other things up to spend time with you it won't necessarily be through free will.

He has free will now and he isn't budging, in fact it would seem that he is unable to compromise in any way.

In what way was he really hurt? and how old is he? does he want more children? Maybe he is holding back because he has been hurt or maybe he is holding back because he knows you are a certain age, doesn't want to build it up and hurt you knowing that you feel he is your "last chance" Although, you must know that isn't true, there are lots of men out there.

I don't want him to have to feel that he has to give up anything.

We see each other twice a week at most. Weekend and midweek. He has a free day on a Monday and he might do overtime then but normally chills. Tuesday is hobby, Wed is meant to be me, Thurs is his daughter, Fri I see my friend till later on (my only weekly set in stone arrangement), weekend I see him at some point.

Two times a week is fine. More would be nice but we live a half hour drive along a country route so I have no expectations of him doing any more.

Just upset that I have to fit in around everything else...inc exciting sporting events, or other occasional things that come up....but if he's tired / feeling a bit under the weather I'm the first to get dropped. Nothing else tends to get dropped....or if it is he finds a way to make up the time at a later date.

His wife left him.

I'm 37 and he's a couple of years younger.

He wants more kids if it works well with us living together.

Hmph - I just posted a couple weeks back on someone else's post about how 'she shouldn't worry, I had been through similar and now i was in a great relationship.'

I feel very up and down about it all and don't know if i'm just upset because he has let me down a couple of time recently. I'm not great at relationships, not great with people in general. But I don't know if i'm just huffing cos I'm not getting exactly what I want out of a relationship...or that I find it hard to compromise.

I think you're upset because you are relying on hope rather than articulating what it is you actually want. You've mentioned it in the past but you fear appearing to be controlling .... possibly you fear being dumped?.... so you're in limbo land of waiting for someone to change approach unilaterally.

'Faint heart never won fair lady' .. or man... and sometime you have to stick your neck out, put your demands on the table and risk being knocked back. Timetable for moving in together... a few house-rules up front... be assertive.

If he perceives seeing you as giving up something rather than gaining something then this relationship is a non-starter.

I'm not surprised you're upset to be fitted in round watching sport and lawn-mowing, anyone would be.

Given your age, and your desire to have a child, I would move on asap. Find someone who actually wants to spend time with you.

The thing is, is he right for you? He isn't putting you first (after his child) - surely anyone would want that, so on that count he's not right.

You don't say much about whether you two get on really well or whether you have a great laugh together. You seem to be saying you're no longer sleeping with him. You do seem quite angry with him (as angry as I'd be with him.)

Why not stop seeing him? His heart clearly isn't in it, but also neither does yours. He's suitable, maybe, on paper, but he doesn't seem to make your heart skip a beat.

What do you enjoy doing? Maybe we could come up with some ideas to improve your social life.

Yes, of course you are "huffing" because you are not getting what you want. Why wouldn't you be, that's natural and normal

In this case, you need him to make you a priority, can you really make someone make you a priority? If you were a priority you wouldn't be asking. If you are not a priority to him, short of changing yourself into the one person he would prioritise there is nothing you can do.

At a time when most people want to spend a lot of time getting to know each other you two are doing something very different. You want to commit to someone you spend a few short hours a week with for less than a year, and he wants to spend his week avoiding getting to know you. These "things" are mostly excuses you know. So, you barely know him and he likes it this way. Don't, please don't commit to having children with someone you barely know. It's not possible to go from two dates (even if one is over night) a week to living together and expect that it would work.

He's not your last chance OP, it's not him or nothing. To be honest what he's offering is bordering on nothing anyway. I can't see him fitting a baby in around his hectic lawn-mowing schedule.

You're at different phases, he's already got a kid, so he's in no hurry to get on and create a family.

He is NOT your last chance, please don't think that. My friend met her partner at 39, and now has two kids (after being with him 2 years)
I am the age you are, and single, but even I think I could still meet someone and have another child

Anyway, I was in a "relationship" with a man who liked his own space, and sort of fit me round everything else in his life. It really ground me down and left my self esteem in tatters for a while.
Don't underestimate how these unavailable guys can hurt you, even while being "the Good Guy".
Now I would only settle for a man who would crawl over broken glass just to wank in my shadow (sorry-crude!).

The relationship's not working for you.

Time to move on, I would think.

Bloody hell op. How long does it take to mow a lawn? Could he not have mown it and then seen you? I've got a normal sized garden and it doesn't take me more than 30 mins.

No way does this man have any intention of moving in with you or having children with you. I commit more time and energy to friends than he does to you.

To be fair he has a huge lawn.

Thank you peeps for all the posts. I'm weighing everything up between doing jobs around the house.

What is it people say? 'Never make someone a priority, when for them you are just an option', or words v similar.

I would either say what a pp said and be assertive - this isn't working out for me, I don't feel like we are going anywhere'.

Or, I would treat him the same as he treats me, as an option and not a priority. Busy myself and keep my options open.

He will either miss you and ask what the hell is happening...or he won't, and you'll have your answer.

And In the meantime you will have been making yourself busy and moving on anyway.

Personally, I would ditch and move on. He's not your last attempt at a family, and you don't want to waste time with him when someone lovely is somewhere out there, who would want to make the effort to see you.

I'm sorry but think it sounds like he's not bothered. Whenever I have felt like someone couldn't care less about seeing me, I've been right in the end but just clutching at straws!

I'd back off a little and see what happens, some call it mind games, maybe so, but it'll give you a good indication of how he feels maybe?

I did back off with communications at the start of the week after feeling ignored during the weekend of sport....I was starting to come around then he cancelled on me on Wednesday. I backed off a bit on communications again. He suggested me going over to his tonight, I said no. I was cool but polite on the texts yesterday (he was trying hard) and he's sensed i'm still miffed and hasn't contacted me at all today.
He would just say how could he have done it? He was exhausted!

I can't be bothered with it just now.

The driving between our houses can be pretty tiring tbh plus we both have pets to consider which complicates things as we cant go straight to work from the others house in the morning.