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Original poster

So the date went tits up!

81 replies

wildwest · 04/10/2014 10:16

I posted about him not texting me much since asking me out last Sunday - dinner date arranged for last night. Got a text wed saying he didn't want to be too stalkerish but were we still on for Friday? Then last night he text at six saying 'not too late to back out!'. Then 6.40 he said he was stuck in Friday traffic in Stafford and could we poss meet later - around 10. He was really sorry - he had been helping a mate stupidly and he did want to see me. I said seeing as I was ready (I only saw it at 7.30) then yes. Just before nine my friends text to say they were in the bar/restaurant my date and I were supposed to be going to. I text to say I'm not even out yet only meeting date at ten and they said come for a quick one with us. So I did. No sooner was I there he text and said I can meet you at 9.30!? So I said come meet me at Botanist - I've come for a quick drink with friends who aren't out long and we can move on from there. He text back to say he couldn't do that - have a good night with my friends!?! We text for a bit to and fro with him saying he didn't want to spoil my night and me saying but I want to see you - I'm not planning an all nighter with them! He then said please could he have another chance to see me!??? Totally. Weird.

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 04/10/2014 11:59

Oh sorry I thought you meant you met up with friends not you met for the first time. Enjoy your cake.

WildBillfemale · 04/10/2014 12:00

41 and 39 and it's all being done by fucking text! pick up the ruddy phone and talk properly.

Next time he texts don't reply by text phone him to chat because that's what adults do.

Seriously if either of you want to meet someone you are going to have to show you are serious - he's flaky and you are hiding behind your group of friends.

MusicForTheMasses · 04/10/2014 12:20

To be fair to him, Stafford was hell yesterday for Traffic so that bit is true. I was there mid afternoon and it was horrible and a couple of friends got caught up in it too.

Cricrichan · 04/10/2014 12:45

I wouldn't bother op. He should have been glad that you went to meet friends instead if hanging around until 10 waiting for him. If I'm late I'd rather who I'm meeting is fine and enjoying themselves - makes me feel less guilty!

Seriously don't meet him. That lack of effort and respect of turning up late because he lost track of time and then when you went out because he was late he decided to not bother?? It's clear as water that he's both not bothered as well as doesn't have basic courtesy that you'd show anyone, let alone someone who you should be trying to impress.

Whatthefucknow · 04/10/2014 13:35

He's only asking u for coffee to see if you are so into him you will go after he has COMPLETELY messed you about.
This is called boundary testing.

  1. Leaves u hanging til wed worrying. It's a technique to get u keen.
  2. Says 'u can back out' so you have to respond with 'no I WANT to meet you' putting the keenness on you and giving him the upper hand
  3. Cancels your dinner date and offers you a 10pm slot. A massive down grade and let's you know it was avoidable ie helping out a mate (who will turn out to be a woman so now the triangulation has started)
  4. Doesn't stick to 10 o'clock but sees if he can move you again. You agree but now it's on your terms as you are out already. For this man that's a no go. He should have been mega conciliatory at this point and met u anywhere with anyone. But no. It's not what he wants so you are punished with no meeting at all as it's not completely on his terms.
  5. He says how much he likes you as that's all he has to do to get you to agree to another date but I'm guessing he hasn't given u a time and place so you have agreed to a non existent date giving him an ego boost and letting him know he can mess you about and you will still want him.
Have you a history of boundary pushing arseholes walking all over you. This has red flags flapping my dear. Don't let him away with it. Ignore.
PollyIndia · 04/10/2014 13:36

I would give him one chance. What do you have to lose? Only 1 hour. If there is no spark when you have coffee or he messes you about, ditch then.

PollyIndia · 04/10/2014 13:38

He didn't leave her hanging until Wednesday! They had agreed to go out on the Friday. Maybe he was playing games or seeing someone else before 10. But maybe not. None of us know. It is the first date. Give him one chance!

Whatthefucknow · 04/10/2014 13:44

Nope. No chances. If u get in a relationship with him now he'll treat u like crap. And if he's abusive he'll be keen to get with you cos you've shown you don't mind being messed about.
Mark my words!!
I would be fucking STEAMING at having my Friday eve messed up. He knows you will have been looking forward to it, got ready, maybe hair done etc, babysitter all that and then ditches you at half six fuck that.

Satinlaces · 04/10/2014 13:51

Men who are keen don't muck you around. TRUE FACT.

MerdeAlor · 04/10/2014 13:54

What Whatthefucknow said.

Seriously, he's seeing how badly he can treat you and what you'll put up with. It won't change.

He's a time waster and all women are worth more than this.

AdoraBell · 04/10/2014 13:55

Call me cynical if you will but I agree with Whatthefucknow

Also you mentioned he seemed a bit off about you remaining with your friends last week, when it wasn't a date and you'd just bumped into each other. If he is abusive that could be the first step in isolating a person. If he's not abusive it's still a bit whiney and a PITA.

I'd tell him you've decided against flogging this particular dead horse coffee and cake.

Original poster
wildwest · 04/10/2014 14:32

He wasn't against me being with my friends when we first met. He was concerned we were spending too much time together when I had arranged to be out with them.

I'm not making any excuses for him - I certainly don't want to be messed about. I said coffee this afternoon and he said could we possibly do it tomorrow as he was taking his daughter to Manchester this afternoon but that he didn't want to risk blowing it again and if I wanted to meet today , it would be tricky but he'd cancel it. I said no - go to Manchester and we've arranged to meet tomorrow at 1.30.

OP posts:
Original poster
wildwest · 04/10/2014 14:34

Satinlaces - I think this also. But it's just coffee, no harm.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 04/10/2014 14:36

Op it just gets worse! If he was apologetic and really wanted to make it up to you he'd meet you today at your suggestion. Please don't meet him tomorrow!!

IndiaKnightGarden · 04/10/2014 14:38

Why even bother?

That's twice he's blown you out now. Why did he suggest meeting for coffee today if he was taking his DD out?

You're starting to come across as a bit desperate OP. Tell him to fuck off.

AdoraBell · 04/10/2014 14:39

What, he'd cancel taking his daughter out?

I can't decide if he's just too much hard work, or trying too hard.

Have you actually spent any time with him, just the two of you? If so, what was he like, still juggling half a dozen things and saying he'll change X if you want him to? Sounds like he can't stick to what he agrees/arranges, or agrees to too much, and that would be a PITA.

IndiaKnightGarden · 04/10/2014 14:39

Oh I've just re-read and seen that he didn't actually suggest a time for coffee, he left that up to you.

So you suggest a time and he says no.

He's pissing you around. I couldn't be arsed with it.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 04/10/2014 14:42

You know that this is not how relationships that actually work out well actually start? You both really want to see each other. None of this to-in and fro-ing that you have described. Sound tedious and hard work.

AdoraBell · 04/10/2014 14:48

Also, posted too soon, sorry, if he cancels his daughter because you want to see him today then at some point it will become your fault he doesn't spend time with his DCs/friends/get X done, because you wanted him to change his plans. Another example of how a relationship shouldn't be.

ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 14:52

He's putting his existing commitment to his daughter first - what a bastard.

Hmm

Jesus wept.

I hope you have a nice Brew and Cake tomorrow.

Rollercola · 04/10/2014 15:05

Blimey everyone's very quick to dismiss this guy. I think he was nervous, had a nightmare getting home in traffic & tried his best to still see you just later than planned.

When he heard you were out with friends he felt guilty at having already messed up your night so rather than trying to salvage something out of the evening told you to stay with your friends & rearrange the date for another time.

He has commitments to his daughter today but would love to meet you for coffee & cake tomorrow instead. Sorted. I don't see why everyone's being so intolerant of him, things happen that get in the way of plans. It does sound like he really likes you op, I'd give him another chance.

Guin1 · 04/10/2014 15:10

I'm surprised at how harsh most of the pps are on this! I know I make mistakes sometimes, and hope that people are good enough to give me a second chance, and I try to do the same for others, unless it's a really big, nasty cock-up. No relationship can survive long without some level of forgiveness and second chances.

By all means be cautious about being mucked about, but go for coffee and cake tomorrow with an open mind and an expectation that you will both enjoy the date. And I say this as someone who had quite a few first dates in her mid-30s, some of whom turned out to be a waste of time, but one who ended up as DH. Good luck!

IndiaKnightGarden · 04/10/2014 15:21

But basically, since the first time they met on their respective nights out, all that's happened since is some text messages and disappointment.

That certainly wouldn't be revving my motor.

He would've lost me at cancelling the date to 'help out a mate'.

IndiaKnightGarden · 04/10/2014 15:23

Look at it this way: if you really liked a guy and were keen to have a date, would you cancel on him at the 11th hour to 'help out a mate'?

Or would you do everything in your power to keep the date?

Granville72 · 04/10/2014 16:05

he's just messing you about.
He's asked you for coffee
you say yes, how about today
he says possibly Sunday

That's POSSIBLY Sunday

If he was that serious about coffee and in to you he wouldn't say 'possibly'

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