Alcohol wins

[mummaduke]

I've posted here before about DH's alcoholic tendencies... I've been advised to seek al anon, I've been advised to LTB... But tonight, I genuinely need to know if I'm over reacting or if there's a real and serious problem here that I was right to start a huge fight about.

Basically, found out yesterday that we are expecting DC2 in early June. This is a huge shock. We literally had sex once in the last 3 months. While far far sooner than expected, we're both thrilled. However, it's still come as a huge shock, and it hasn't sank in at all. I'm still very much trying to get my head around it and I'm feeling extremely emotional.

So, DH went to work today, and called me from a client lunch around 4, saying he was out drinking wine, eating lobster etc. I asked him at that point to please curb the booze, I really needed him to be sober tonight. He also had a friends birthday drinks to stop at on the way home.

Low and behold, he rocks up at 9.30, pissed as a fart (but denying he's that bad).

I have hit the roof. I've literally gone ape shit. This is all in the bigger context of many many many previous drink related arguments... Many of which happened the last time I was pregnant. He is not a good, or happy drunk. He becomes verbally abusive. He knows this and has admitted to having a problem.

Am I in the wrong? Should I be more tolerant? He has tonight accused me of being controlling, and told me I perhaps need to find someone who doesn't want to have a social life. He's said he's clearly bit the right man for me. He's twisting this and making it my problem.

I am at a loss. I was so hurt that he couldn't stay sober for me, that I told him I'm questioning whether I even want this baby with him. He's hit the roof in response, and is refusing to talk to me.

It's a stand off. How can I possibly get this back on track?

op, I know how you feel. My DH was very similar and because he didn't need a drink to get up in the morning, he wasn't an alcoholic! In his words. He went to AA once but the people there were so chronically addicted to alcohol it actually had the effect of minimising his own problem - just because you are not drinking meths does not mean you don't have a problem. However he then decided to have some drinks before going to work (late shift) arrived steaming drunk as he also has poor threshold, and was sacked. This was when he stopped drinking completely but it is still not an easy process.

Hi everyone,

Checking in and wanted to say thanks for all of the supportive and helpful comments here. A lot of what you all said formed the backbone on what I said to him on Sunday morning.

In addition to telling him this was a last chance, I also looked up al anon and am going to get in touch this week.

I got the usual apologies, the usual sulky regret at his own behaviour, but no promises of change. So watch this space, but I'm not hopeful, unfortunately.

I think perhaps he does need a real shock (at present, there's no real reason to stop), and I'm not scared to move out myself for a few weeks to make him see what he'd be missing, and to decide if booze is better than his family. I don't think he should move out, it would give him too much freedom and might backfire!

I'll update in due course, but thanks to all. Thanks for the PM's, and if anyone wants to share al anon journey please PM me about that too.

X

I hope that you do finally contact Al-anon this week.

I would also suggest you read up on co-dependency as this often features where there are alcohol problems.

He has again taken no real responsibility for his actions here so I doubt very much he will change. You can help yourself though and change totally how you react to him. You're still in the enabler and provoker modes when it comes to him and that needs to change. His primary relationship is with drink still. He could also go onto lose everything and still choose to drink afterwards.

If anyone should move out it is him, not you.

Definitely it's him that should move out. You're pregnant and you don't need the disruption. If he treats separation as freedom to stay out all night on a bender then his promises and apologies were pretty shallow....

I'm sorry, but I'm just wondering how many 'last chances' there are further down the line before you finally give in and cut your losses. I hope it will be fewer rather than lots, because doubtless in the end you will be forced to admit to yourself he's ruining your life. By then you will be very depleted and have much more recovery to work on.

No way should you move out. You're only trying to make him change, but he won't. These games only prolong the agony. It sounds as though he's addicted to alcohol, and you're addicted to him.

Please look after yourself and realise you're worth far far more than this.

Big hug and lots of good wishes OP.

I think that if you move out, (or better, he moves out) you have to face that you might not get back together again. You still seem to be thinking that you can get him to sober up. I'm not sure you can, because I'm not sure you can get him to put you and the babies first over the alcohol. It's that stark.

So it might work but prepare yourself mentally for the end.

If nothing else, start planning on paper (well hidden paper) how you would survive financially alone. Whether you stay together or not, it's a useful exercise and might give you confidence with either decision.

I agree - he won't change at this point so are you 100% resolved that this is the last chance you have given him? Be prepared to carry that threat through.

It is really, really hard. Don't underestimate how conditioned you have become. I only found the strength to do so after (a) help from Al-Anon and (b) "my" alcoholic did something so awful it was impossible to ignore.

Hate to say it but nothing will change in the long run because he does not feel the same way about his drinking as you do, he's probably just in denial like most heavy drinkers, there's no sure way to put you off someone than them coming home slurring words and stinking of booze, what a turn off.

Sorry but without consequences there's no reason for him to stop, he is not willing to consider your feelings here, not good, at all.

FWIW. The couple i know, live close by, he massive weekend drinker, she hates his drinking and thought it would change when they married - obviously it hasnt. Over 15 years she has issued various ultimatums and moved out back into her mum and dad's house on several occasions. Each time she goes back to the family home, his drinking steadily escalates to crazy levels and the whole cycle starts again. The tragic thing is she spends her whole life running around mr alcoholic like a blue arsed fly trying to change him and micro manage his weekend so that he doesnt spend it all on the lash. I feel sorry For her but also cant help but think how pathetic she is expending so much energy on trying to change and control somebody who everybody else can see clearly doesnt give a fuck. That would be my worry in your shoes OP; that you end up like her.

But most men and a lot of women the UK drink heavily from an early age. Most have partners and families. How do they cope and combine family life with drinking heavily?
An awful lot of men who work in the City and hold respectable jobs do this. Should all their wives leave them to live on benefits to be able to raise the kids?
Some of the advice here in given in good faith but where does the money come from to leave the alcoholic?
Personally, living on benefits is not an option for me. I can't do it.

Erm tia do you have any actual evidence to back that up?

Yes, I see it - and smell it- all the time. If I count the alcoholic breaths I smell on the tube every time I cone from work, that kind be part of the evidence of the evidence.
My partners family, friends and colleagues all drink heavily. I don't know, maybe I was unlucky enough to end up surrounded by people who drink a lot, but I do see a lot of drinking around, and not just for Christmas.

So anecdotal rather than scientific? How compelling. And the OP should put up with abuse and intimidation because, erm, you know, lots of other people that you know drink quite a bit ??

tia makes a very valid point. I sometimes think MN is a parallel universe where drinking is concerned.

I left a relationship wich was a crabon copy of this last year! Whirlwind romance, married within a year, baby the following year. I got the responsibility he didn't.
He was also an a verbally abusive drunk. I had to leave as the abuse continued even in front of my Ds12. I lost 14 years that I will never get back.
I have heard all the excuses , inlcuding the gem that I kept him on a tight leash and he had to break free, also I made him do it! Never seemed to be able to make him clean the house.
I hope Al anon works but if it doesn't have an escape plan.
Good luck xx

There is no one "Mumsnet" universe - just lots of different opinions, which is the good thing about it.

My opinion is that our society is so saturated in alcohol that we have become immune to its effects. Vomiting, passing out, having memory blanks, getting into fights are all part of a good night out

If you ever live in different countries you will see differing prevalent attitudes towards alcohol - some where it is central, some where it hardly figures. There is no overarching human need for it.

Individual stories throw light on the destructive nature of some people's problem drinking. I haven't seen many calls for the return of the temperance movement on here.