Alcohol wins

[mummaduke]

I've posted here before about DH's alcoholic tendencies... I've been advised to seek al anon, I've been advised to LTB... But tonight, I genuinely need to know if I'm over reacting or if there's a real and serious problem here that I was right to start a huge fight about.

Basically, found out yesterday that we are expecting DC2 in early June. This is a huge shock. We literally had sex once in the last 3 months. While far far sooner than expected, we're both thrilled. However, it's still come as a huge shock, and it hasn't sank in at all. I'm still very much trying to get my head around it and I'm feeling extremely emotional.

So, DH went to work today, and called me from a client lunch around 4, saying he was out drinking wine, eating lobster etc. I asked him at that point to please curb the booze, I really needed him to be sober tonight. He also had a friends birthday drinks to stop at on the way home.

Low and behold, he rocks up at 9.30, pissed as a fart (but denying he's that bad).

I have hit the roof. I've literally gone ape shit. This is all in the bigger context of many many many previous drink related arguments... Many of which happened the last time I was pregnant. He is not a good, or happy drunk. He becomes verbally abusive. He knows this and has admitted to having a problem.

Am I in the wrong? Should I be more tolerant? He has tonight accused me of being controlling, and told me I perhaps need to find someone who doesn't want to have a social life. He's said he's clearly bit the right man for me. He's twisting this and making it my problem.

I am at a loss. I was so hurt that he couldn't stay sober for me, that I told him I'm questioning whether I even want this baby with him. He's hit the roof in response, and is refusing to talk to me.

It's a stand off. How can I possibly get this back on track?

Am i missing something here? It was friday night and the guy went for a few beers. He was in by 9 by the OP's own admission. Why did the OP "really need him to be sober tonight" ? To me this is controlling behaviour. This seems an incompatible relationship.

@simontowers2..... you're missing the point. The OP asked the DH to stay sober, he promised to do so, and he broke the promise almost straight away. There's a history in this relationship of broken promises, let-downs and wrong priorities all linked to drunken behaviour.

If you've never tried to maintain a long term relationship with someone who prioritises alcohol you probably won't appreciate how soul-destroying it becomes. What might be normal behaviour in isolation is anything but normal when it happens again, and again, and again, and again. It's crushing.

Simon you have only half read the Op's post. He is abusive when he's been drinking. That's why he needs to stay sober.

I'm sad that you are still with him and, sorry to say, but sad that you are having another child with him. I wish you had got out before now.

You know you are living with an alcoholic, his behaviour will get worse not better. You can't change him! He doesn't want to stop drinking.

Love isn't enough.

You have my sympathy op, I know full well where you are coming from.

Like other posters I agree that you cannot change him or make him do the sensible thong.

He is an alcoholic and will prioritise alcohol above everything else.

Think of yourself and children.

It will be hard but personally I would either leave him or ask him to leave.

He can still be involved in your dcs lives but you absolutely deserve better fan to be tied down by this nan child.

It will destroy you if you stay.

Take care and please speak to someone in to who can help you through this difficult to time. By that I mean for you and not your dh, he can sort himself out, if he ever wants to.

Speak to someone in real life.

Lost your drinking buddy Simontowers?

OP perhaps you were trying to control him. I suspect that's because HE can't control himself. Its fruitless to try though unless HE realises the damage he's doing to himself and his family you're stuffed.

Ok, some background might help.

We had a whirlwind romance, together 4 months before we got engaged. Married 6 months later. Everything was perfect. Because I was a social drinker too.

DH was desperate for kids, being much older than me. I wanted them too, but I guess I'd have been happier to wait a whole before we started trying for DS.

The difference between he and I, is that the day I came off my pill, I started to act like a responsible person would with their drink. In moderation. When we found out I was pregnant, of course it changed even more. And ever since, I've had a very different attitude to going out late and drinking.

His attitude never changed. My own fault. I thought if I could change so easily, so would he... He after all was the one so eager to marry and start a family.

This is why I feel so let down and so disappointed. Cogito sums it up perfectly, as usual. As an isolated incident it's bad enough, but combined, time and time again, it is utterly crushing. I just feel sad.

It is sad. It's heartbreaking. But that doesn't change the facts. He's an alcoholic and he will continue to drink like this until he realises it's a problem and seeks help, which could be never.

Yes Simontowers, I'm afraid you're missing the point entirely.

No real issue with him going out, seeing his mates. No issue with people who drink. I do!

My issue is that he has become a verbally abusive drunk, to me in particular. Since DS1 was born, I have had to explain to him why it's not appropriate for him to go out 3x a week and come in late/drunk anymore. When sober, he agrees that this is perfectly reasonable. When drunk, he accuses me of stifling, suffocating, and controlling him.

This is why I dread him getting drunk. I've no issue with people who get drunk (within reason), as long as they're not hurting anyone.

Agree with the way you put it mumma, the cumulative effect is what is crushing.

And the fact that you begin to think its normal to dread social events with them, to dread the key in the door, to dread the sound of another can being opened. You begin to think it's normal to have someone shout at you when they've had too much.

It really isn't, and it just creeps up on you; so beware...

I don't feel sorry for him stickem. I just don't really get this relationship. OP clearly doesn't like this guy as he is and wants to change him. He has no intention of changing - and why should he when he has things just fine as they are (in his eyes). Actions do speak louder than words, however, and by getting pregnant to him again surely the OP is essentially saying that things are fine. I mean, if things weren't fine then the couple wouldn't have been attempting to conceive again would they? As i keep saying, it isn't up to him to change. It is up to the OP to put up or shut up.

Simon, I wonder if you have ever known anyone with alcohol problems? You might not be so glib if you had. Things aren't always so cut and dried are they?

It is about whether it is feasible to have a partnership with a person for whom the alcohol always comes first, to the detriment of other things. In my view these relationships are unsustainable as one party is not actually caring what the other party thinks. Therefore it's not about changing someone, it's about recognition that a relationship with this level of alcohol is dysfunctional, and asking the question, does HE want it to become functional or not?

I know plenty squeegle. I know they don't change; or, rarely change. They are generally inherently selfish people IME. If i were the OP, i wouldn't for the life of me have been looking at having further kids with this guy; it seems chronically short sighted.

Re his "mates" in the pub mummaduke, these are likely to now be just the same as him i.e. alcohol dependent. I daresay his drinking was becoming worse during the time you've been together as well and I would think he has always had alcohol problems. What do you know about his own background by the way, you do realise as well that alcoholism can be learnt behaviour too? (from parents).

You can drink but he is alcoholic and thus should not be drinking at all. You must not ever now drink alcohol with him.

People are not projects or puzzles to be figured out and you cannot yourself fundamentally change any aspect of his behaviour. There is no such thing as functional drinking where alcoholism is concerned.

You love him but love is not enough in such circumstances and he loves alcohol more. It is truly a cruel mistress.

Ok Simon, I get what you're saying; but I think maybe you would be more constructive if you were gentler in your delivery! for most of us, like Atila says, getting involved with someone with alcohol problems is not a conscious decision. It's more a continued pattern of behaviour, and we have to recognise that pattern in ourselves before we can change it. We need help - not censure!

Fair nuff squeegle, point taken

simon they weren't trying to conceive. they had sex ONCE in three months.

And she asked him to stay sober, to be there for her because they discovered she was preg the day before. It's not surprising she wanted him there to talk to, not out getting drunk especailly when he's verbally abusive.

That's on top of the cumulative effect.

I think most women would want their partner to be someone they could talk to, not abusive and drunk, the day after a shock discovery like that. A heck of a lot to plan together at this point. As it is, he's driven a deeper wedge in between them than was already there.

I'm in a very similar situation to yours, OP. My husband is a very responsible, loving father. He has a good job, earns a very good salary by any standards, is very good at his job. Thanks to him being responsible and very good at his job , we have a lovely house, pay the bills, pay repairs to the house etc etc.

However, he is alcohol dependent. He drinks nearly every day. At least once a week, he will come home drunk. He's not particularly abusive when drunk, just plain obnoxious. He usually falls asleep and snores like a pig. I utterly hate the person he is when drunk. I have cried my eyes out asking him not to come home drunk, not to drink so much, but nothing changes.

When he wakes up the following day, he's back to the person I always loved and respected.

I realise over the years that this will not change. I know that the honest thing to do would be for me to leave this relationship. I have said this to him a few times, that I would like us to separate as the effect of his drinking on me is unbearable. I get very frustrated and angry when he comes back home drunk.

However, we have two small children, and I work part time, so I cannot afford to rent my own place and pay the bills, and house repairs all by myself. I'm from another country too, so I don't have any direct family in this country I can turn for support. I would have to become dependent on benefits, and I don't think it's fair on the tax payer to be supporting someone from another country, who made the stupid decision to have children with someone who has an alcohol problem.

I, like you, didn't think his alcohol consumption would be a problem, as it did seemed a lot like social drinking, what most people do in this country in large quantities anyway. Little I knew what it would be like for me many years down the line. If I had known then what I know now, I would have returned to my home country straight away, and never consider the possibility of going out with someone who drinks on a regular basis.

I often wonder how so many families, and couples deal with alcohol dependency in the country and make relationships work anyway. I see the way most of his colleagues drink too, and I just don't know how their partners put up with it.

I've decided to go to Al Anon too, so feel free to private message me if you'd like to share the journey with me.

All the best, OP. I honestly feel for you're going through, as I'm experiencing it myself every week and have for the last ten years of my life.

Just checking in and hoping you are ok OP