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Original poster

Losing a friend because of headlice

87 replies

plama · 28/09/2006 09:04

I think I've lost a friend because of headlice. We have been friends for over 4 years and my DD1 was born just around the same time as her DS. They grew up together and we were the best of friends. We would see each other 2 or 3 times a week and went on holiday together. We socialised as couples too, and had girlie days at spas etc. All in all I thought a rock solid friendship. Last year we both moved away from our base city, me 250 miles away, her 50 miles, but we had long chats on the phone and had each visited the other. About a month ago I visited her again with my husband, DD1 and new DD2. On the second day I discovered DD1 had headlice. I was upset, but knew that it was common in nursery aged kids. I told my friend and she flipped, asking me when I'd washed DD's hair etc, then rushing out to buy shampoo, electronic nit comb etc. She also started washing all the bedlinen and towels ( including the ones that were still folded that we hadn't used and making me feel like a leper). She had a nit comb and insectiside lotion in her house "just in case" but I didn't want to use the lotion as I am breastfeeding my DD2. She told me her son's nursery had a parents meeting to discuss headlice ( so it was obviously a problem there too). She said she felt particularly phobic about headlice. I understand that she was upset, but I would never have gone had I known about it. I could tell she was upset, so sent her a bouquet of flowers to apologise for the "uninvited guests".. Two days later I had to drive back to collect shoes that I'd forgotten, and was treated very coolly. She went on holiday for two weeks a short time later. Last night I phoned her for a chat and the reception was still very frosty.. I Just feel sad and angry that I seem to have lost a friend because of nits,and that her upset at the time hasn't calmed down now 5 weeks later. Should I persevere or give up? I do feel I've tried to make it right.

OP posts:

Molesworth · 28/09/2006 09:06

You have tried to make it right. She is completely overreacting. With friends like that who needs enemies?

SSSandy · 28/09/2006 09:06

How long did you stay in her home after discovering the lice?

wartywarthog · 28/09/2006 09:10

how odd. i would give her some space. she's over-reacting and with any luck she'll come to her senses soon. it's a ridiculous thing to fall out over, and i think if it hadn't been that, it would have been something else. i'd cut your losses if she doesn't let it go.

LoveMyGirls · 28/09/2006 09:12

i think you've done all you can - i would leave the ball in her court now, perhaps text her and say you feel things have changed between you and that you rae upset about they way she is treating you and then let her decide what to do next, if you lose her over this then that is a real shame i have lost a friend for no reason too and i know it does hurt. i kept txting her and asking to meet up and she ignored me (she'd found a new bloke and id had dd2 so we were both busy) i think it was because i went away when it was her birthday and forget to get her anything (*which was bad but not worth losing a friendship over imo)

i visited her out the blue about 8 mths after her bday and she invited me in made me tea had a chat i was there for about an hour but then she txt me and said she couldnt spend every minute with me as she has her own life and she hasnt contacted me since. i have my own life too, i have 2 kids, my own business etc she doesnt have kids or a business but is too busy to see me wtf? but theres nothing i can do.

lucy5 · 28/09/2006 09:13

People are funny about nits. I remember when I came back from working in an orphanage in Romania, I had a falling out with a flat mate over them. At the time i had bum length hair, which all the shaven head kids at the orphanage thought was amazing.

So I basically let them swing off it. Anyway when I returned home, I was pretty manky to be honest as i didn't have access to hot water, my friend basically fumigated the house. She made such a big deal over it and to be honest I wasn't very tolerant of her.

I had been playing with kids who had aids and all sorts of terrible problems and couldn't see the big thing about bloody nits, which I might add that I didn't have anyway.

Sorry to waffle but some people are so bloody anal!

SSSandy · 28/09/2006 09:22

Well if someone discovered nits whilst staying with me, I'd expect them to use lotions/shampoos/nit combs and everything to get rid of them and stop them spreading. Otherwise I'd be very annoyed too. So if you'd been staying with me and refused to use the lotions I'd bought, I'd be p*d off too.

Actually TBH I would expect visitors to leave and deal with the nits in their own home unless they were visiting from overseas. I wouldn't appreciate it if visitors stayed on in my home after discovering their dc had nits. They're awful and a pain to get rid of.

wanderingstar · 28/09/2006 09:26

So when her ds comes home from school/nursery over the next x years, with nits sometimes, is she going to fall out with all the other parents there too ?! Ridiculous !
She'll either soon come to her senses with you, or she won't (if the latter you can bet the falling out would have been over something else anyway imo).

fairyjay · 28/09/2006 09:41

She's totally over-reacted. Leave her to come to her senses.

wartywarthog · 28/09/2006 09:44

plama - did you try to get rid of the nits? was it just the lotion you wouldn't use? can understand that, but did you use the comb?

and how long after the discovery did you stay on for?

tbh, regardless of the above you did apologise and send flowers. i think it's a bit churlish to not accept the apology.

stleger · 28/09/2006 09:46

As a veteran onn many infestations, I accept them as the pain they are and wonder why they were invented! Would she have reacted in this way if a visitor came down with a cold and started to sneeze?

CountessDracula · 28/09/2006 09:48

oh fgs

she sounds like a nutter, ignore her

Naughtynoonoo · 28/09/2006 09:50

Are you sure it's about the nits and not something else? Maybe you should speak to her outright about the way that you're feeling - you never know it may well be something else

Avalon · 28/09/2006 09:55

Maybe it's the other way around.
Her son had nits and passed them to your dd1 and she felt guilty etc etc.

I never had a nitcomb until my kids actually got nits.

FrannyandZooey · 28/09/2006 10:00

Agree if you were staying in my house and would not treat yourself or your children to make sure we would not get them, I would be very upset. Nits are a complete PITA and not that hard to avoid passing them on (or at least trying to, I do understand it does happen by accident). I would not expect you to use lotion, especially as you are breastfeeding, but I would expect you all to condition and nit comb thoroughly, as soon as you discovered it. Your post doesn't make it clear whether you did this or not.

Hope you can make it up with her if you still want to - it doesn't sound worth falling out over permanently.

debgronow · 28/09/2006 10:05

Why is she upset, is it because your child had lice in the first place, or is it because you did not treat yourself.?
Before my children had them I must admit I was squeamish about them but I am now laid back about them as its a fact of life with school age children these days.
Did you or the baby have them? The professionals do not advocate treatment unless you have an active infestation. If you checked and did not have them them then there was no need to treat "in case".
If she is a real friend then she will get over it.

lazycow · 28/09/2006 10:07

ffs that is truly ridiculous. Her ds is bound to get them sometime if not at nursery then at school.

I don't have any advice as I'm gobsmacked that someone could be so anal and ridiculous.

FWIW - I know they are a pain. I spent all 10 days of my holiday once and all of the christmas break dealing with my niece and nephews recurring nits (not to mention the ones they gave me). I dealt with them because their mother had died a couple of years before and their dad had no idea what to do other then to shave dns head .

This mean me moving in with my parents for a week at christmas and combing their hair twice a day as well as using the lotions. In the summer holiday when they came back I gave up 10 days of my holiday to again stay with parents to deal with this. I didn't have kids then and my mother has bad arthritis and couldn't use the comb. So I do know what a pain they can be - but ffs to blame you is ridiculous.

peegeeweegeewoo · 28/09/2006 11:14

gosh, she really overreacted didn't she??

i thought nits can't survive when not on a head, so what is the point washing bedlinned that you have not even used??? complete madness!!!

if you had been staying at my house we would have de-loused the kids together (I won't use lotions, only conditioner/comb method), had a glass of wine and laughed it off...

you don't need a friend who makes you feel bad about something that is so common with small children...

aDAdOnMumsnet · 28/09/2006 11:18

what a lousy friend!

Molesworth · 28/09/2006 11:21

Blu · 28/09/2006 11:22

tbh, there is a time when I would have been horrified had I been the host - but I certainly would not have been so hosyile, rude and cold to you! She is over-reacting and being a bit self-centred, rude and neurotic, imo!

I would wait until her kids get lice, she calms down, and re-establishes contact with you. She sounds 'high maintenance'.

Why did you have to drive all that way to collect shoes - could she not post them??

BudaBabe · 28/09/2006 11:22

LOL aDAdOnMumsnet!

Why am I scratching????

FluffyOHaraOfSnugglesville · 28/09/2006 11:28

Only read the OP but the woman sounds mad - she's prepared to lose a friendship over NITS FFS!!!!!! she is deranged.

She gonna be very lonely by the time her molly-coddled brat finishes priomary school.

bizarre!

does she have a mental illness?

Pages · 28/09/2006 11:33

I'm sorry but I think your friend is being ridiculous. Nits are a fact of life if you have children - I comb DS1's hair with a nit comb every week whether I think he has them or not - sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. But he is at nursery and if your friend's dc's aren't they will then just get them when they go to school. To hold it against you like this is bizarre behaviour. I don't personally believe the lotions work, the lice just become immune. I was told not to use them. Even though DS1 has had nits several times we just comb them out and no-one else in he family has ever caught them off him, despite a lot of rough and tumble and close contact.

I would let it go and wait until she realises that her dc's will get everything going at some point whether you are around or not - and then hopefully she will come running back to you to apologise.

Marina · 28/09/2006 11:40

Am wondering really if her phobia is just that - a response of horror to something that is not within her control? And that this might explain why such a good friend of such long standing has behaved like this?
I agree that for many of us nits are now an every day nuisance and we just break out the combs and the tea-tree conditioner and crack on with it. But I can remember vividly being really upset the first time we all got them.
I agree with warty really - maybe you could have been seen to make a gesture to deal with the infestation as soon as you discovered it, but you've more than done your bit to apologise since and I'm sorry she still can't forgive you

dinosaur · 28/09/2006 11:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

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